I think people ignore red flags because they are hoping it will work out. You probably saw how he parented before you got married, and figured it would change after you all lived together and set some routines.  Or you saw the good stuff about DH and thought you could live with the bad stuff.  You just didn't realize how bad the bad stuff would get when skids are involved.

There are lots of resources out there that tall about these problems. But before marriage we think we won’t have these issues, or that things will get better, or DH’s/SKIDS are on better behaviour.

I felt pretty blind sided as well, I know I felt some of the hesitations earlier as well but I just thought it would be ok.... but then it intensified. Now you have to decide whether you want to stick it out and see if it gets better or worse. They say that there is greater chances of divorce in a second marriage... that is a widely known stat. I think the reason is 2 golf.... 1) there are more issues, and negative emotions at play 2) second marriages don’t seem to be as “valued” by society as a whole.... so it always just seems like divorce isn’t as “devastating”. People are much more inclined to tell you to leave when it is a second!!! When it’s a first it is “stick it out until the bitter end (unless it is a very serious reason.... abuse, cheating, etc),

Yes, as you said - optimistic about being "the Brady bunch" and then reality hits later, when you realise your DH is encouraging ( or at least not discouraging)  the SKIDs to behave like the spawn of Satan.  

Why didn't anyone warn you? oh hahahaha let me catch my breath.  

BTW - regarding holidays - I never went on a holiday with the SDs in their entire growing up, the most I did was one weekend at MIL's house.  Never again.  

No one says anything because no one wants to be called out as a "Wicked Stepmother", instead we quietly suffer wondering what we got ourselves into and what WE are doing wrong. We're clueless that we've inserted ourselves into someone else's imploded system of dysfunction and there is no hope of fixing it no matter how nice we are, how much we give, or how much we love our husbands. 

This is funny because I just told my husband this last night!!! He said his boss is getting married (the boss has 3 children and just got divorced maybe 1.5 years ago. I told him she should give me her number so I can warn  her!!!!!!! He looked at me like I’m crazy but I just said until you’re the step parent you won’t understand 

Before I married, when I expressed doubt about how things would go with SD, everyone said, "But she's in college. She's an adult. She has her own life. She won't be a problem."

I was right. That's what I get for asking all my gay, child-free friends if I should worry!

We were in therapy within two years of getting married!

Ironically, one of those friends later admitted he was terrible to his SM early on. They have a great relationship now, but at the time, he was awful to her -- SM had been the other women, though, so the situation was different. And I think a male stepchild is easier than girls. And I admit, his SM is much easier going than I.

When I actually looked, there was lots of resources out there about how hard step-life is, and how difficult the dynamic is.
I was going against the odds in trying "blend" a family and have a successful marriage. So the lack of research was all down to me. We think we know what we are getting into ... and we dont.

The biggest problem does not involve listening to the advice of others. It is ignoring yourself, dismissing the red flags that you see, and thinking things will get better. It doesn't.

No one can give you advice or could have given you advice in the past when you were prepared to ignore the warning signs that you yourself could see. That was my biggest realisation: looking back on the all the warning signs of the impending cliff... I just adjusted my rose tinted sun glasses,  put my foot down and drove straight over.

Dont blame yourself - as long as you can learn the lesson and make a better future for yourself you will come out stronger and wiser. And more honest and intune with your own intuition.

The tingly feelings of new love tend to disconnect the brain.  If we made decisions regarding equity life partnership with intellect rather than with endorphin driven emotion the outcome would be far different.

Disconnect the emotion, make decisions with intellect, then reconnect the emotion as events warrant. Emotion and endorphins are the spice of life but they don't work worth a shit when making decisions.

It has worked well for my bride and I.

That is how I found this board almost 2 years ago. I googled stepparenting & Stepparenting difficulties. 

The answers are there, you just have to ask the right questions. Keep reading on here, go back through the forums. Your SS is full throttle into teenagerdome, which is right when I came into my DH's world as his partner. His teen was a biotch to me from the start, TroxicTroll hated me. The little one was sweet. All that kept me there was my DH, who is an incredible man and an awesome father. He insisted that I go with him everywhere, even to Feral Eldest's high school graduation (more for him than for her).

Why no warnings? Well, guess what they are all HERE! Just kidding. Sorry you are battling all this. Keep posting and reading. You will find some comfort and lots of information and advise. To sum it all up, your SO MUST back you up. You cannot do this alone.

US stepparents have it much harder than the "outside world" understands. We are asked to care about these children, yet when we do, we get told to step aside for the REAL parents. We are asked to be responsible for them, but have no real authority. For example, I can be asked to take Munchkin back to school shopping and then the mother, ToxicTroll gets mad because she wants money and how dare I take HER child, the precious snowflake that dropped from HER womb, shopping! How dare I!

Or yet another example (there are plenty by now!) I can be asked to take care of child during summers, providing breakfasts and lunches, and when ToxicTroll gets mad she can call me a "non-working c@nt!" because I was laid off. With no repercussions. 

I can ask for things to be done, and they are never done at that moment. Can I enforce the "I need this done, and now" thing? Not really. I can pay for her cell phone bill, but can I take it away as a punishment for something? Probably not, I havent tested this one.

The other day I was supposed to pick up Munchkin SD12 from school. She wasnt picking up her phone and wasnt responding to texts. This happened a few times. So, putting my thinking cap on, focusing really hard, I said as sweetly as I could:

ME: "Sweety, you know how I am always available when you call or text me? I alway pick up when I see its you?"

HER: "yeeeeeaaaaaaaah?"

ME: "Well I treat you the way I am hoping you will treat me. I show you respect, the way I want you to show me respect."

Her:"Im sorry. Ill try to be better with that".

What I learned from my experiences thus far, is that before disengaging, I keep it between me and whomever I am having the issue with. When you are forced for your own sanity to disengage, then your SO must be the ONLY one dealing with his spawn.

Good luck!

I feel the same way. I really wish someone would’ve warned me how awful it is having step kids. It truly  is a terrible thing. God didn’t intend for people to have kids from different marriages. It sucks. I wish I could have a redo lol.