Girl pants
When the sk's moved in with us my ss(11) had a pair of pants that I always thought looked more like girl pants. They are black with flowers on them and have elastic on the bottom (they look faded like if they were bought in a second-hand store). Since the first time DH and I saw these pants we let him know we thought they looked like girl pants". He has worn them multiple times and we have never told him not to wear them.
Well on Friday he was able to wear any clothing he wanted to school and had been picking out his outfit the night before because for him this was a big deal. The next morning, I was leaving to go to work when he asked me what I thought of the pants he was wearing. Again, we have discussed these pants before and I knew he knew how I felt about them. I told him I don't like them. He said the tag says their boy pants, and I just shrugged. Left and went to work.
Recently it was brought to our attention that BM likes to post things on her twitter account about my DH. YesI have started stalking her, I don't know why but I have. That day this is what I saw on her twitter feed:
So my 11yo son was told by a grown adult that these are girl pants, bc flowers. They are boys pants he picked from the boys section. He's sad.
I'm so angry/upset by this - he has always walked to his own beat, especially when it comes to clothing and he's at that fragile age where he is vulnerable to ppl trying to shame him for it and for being himself......
Of course, my first reaction was for me to put a comment on her twitter feed and say.... He asked for my opinion and I gave it. I didn't tell him he couldn't wear them. In no way did I shame him for wanting to wear them. Don't worry I didn't. I know better.
The thing is that this child barely went to school for the first-time last January when he first moved in with us. She had been "homeschooling" them for the last 5 years. I put it in quotations because from what the kids have told us BM would print out worksheets and have them work on that. She never really sat down and taught them. I had to sit with him for months trying to just teach him his times tables.
This poor boy is constantly being bullied. He has come home saying that he cried in school because someone was bullying him. In my head all I could think of was if you were those pants to school you are going to be teased and I really don't think it would be a good idead. I love these kids. Everytime I hear him say someone teased him at school I want to go and give that child a piece of my mind. I think if he would have worn the pants to school he would have been teased and ridiculed. I think he made a good choice in not wearing them. I just feel I'm constatly having to defend my actions or opinions or anything I do when it comes to them. Ah, I'm counting down the days (years) when I can have my home and DH all to myself.
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Sometimes I don’t know how my
Sometimes I don’t know how my nephew survivedHis mother (who I really like) dressed him in unisex clothes. He was kind of delicate and people often thought he was a girl even when he was 6 or 7. He is absolutely proof that you cannot “make someone be gay”.
He’s 100% straight now at 35. It would be just fine if he were gay - but this just proves that being gay is just what someone is - it’s not because of parental actions.
If the child felt half of
If the child felt half of what I'm feeling reading this then I can picture him crying to BM about it.
We let the kids pick whatever they want to a degree (must fit, can't be uber revealing). They can clearly see what side of the store they are picking from so there is no need from us to tell them what is girls vs boys. We don't care and when they do pick something that's marketed for the opposite gender we empower them rather than support outdated gender ideals.
No that pink shirt isn't a GIRL shirt, it's HIS shirt. Those shorts that the oldest loves to wear aren't BOYS they are HERS.
Because of this the youngest is proud as hell to admit his favorite color is pink. Instead of him feeling like he has to hide it he'll flat out tell any kid trying to bully him that they are wrong. Bullies will find something no matter what you do. Don't make excuses that it wouldn't happen if the kid didn't wear this or that. I'm sure the kid feels wonderful about that.
Agree
I was a bullied kid at school and honestly the more I tried to fit in the more bullying occurred. I started being myself and it got better. I stopped trying to wear what everyone else was wearing. I stopped trying to be a cheerleader when really I wanted to be in MUN.
If kids really care what another child is wearing then they have not been taught at home and are destined to be losers as adults. Every bully I had? They have failed at life.
If he does march to his own
If he does march to his own beat, that's great, but there will be more things he wears that you don't like. Next time he asks what you think, maybe you could be more neutral: "It doesn't matter what anyone thinks about them. You like them and that's all that matters."
That way you're not saying you like them or don't like them yet encouraging him to be himself. He might get bullied at school but that can be dealt with separately. It's not fair but children can be very mean at that age. Is DH and BM dealing with the school regarding the bullying?
As for BM, ignore ignore ignore. She's trying to get a rise out of you and it's not worth it.
If you had let him go to
If you had let him go to school wearing the pants, she would have tweeted about how some adults just don't care if a boy gets bullied because of flowery pants.
Ignore the whore.
But save the tweet for court. DH might need it someday to show how BM undermines him.
I think part of the issue is
I think part of the issue is that when these kids came to us they all claimed to be bysexual or gay or lesbian. Something that I don't have a problem with. What I do have a problem is someone trying to convert them into something they are not. Since being here SD likes a boy in school. And all 3 of the boys have or have had a girlfriend. I just feel she is trying to convert them into something they are not and this whole pant issue stems from something deeper into that.
When asked for my opion I will give my opion. I don't sugar coat anything I don't tell you what you want to hear. I will be that person that will tell you you have something on your teeth. If you ask me if a dress makes you look fat I will tell you yes if it does... so forth.
We have never stopped him from wearing what he wants. I did explain to him that if in the future he wants my opion he is more than welcome to ask it.... but to be prepared for the honest truth.
Yeah, he asked for your
Yeah, he asked for your opinion, you gave it, without bad intentions. As long as you are not trying to force something on him (you can't wear those pants because they're girl pants!), I don't see the problem really. It's impossible to know what the exact right thing to do/say in any given situation is- not everyone is going to agree with it and everyone has a different way of handling things. Oh well. You just be you, be open to skids eccentricities, and have his best interests at heart.
Not even the same situation, but one time my SO bought a new jacket. It was HUGE on him. He looked like a little kid wearing dad's coat. He had bought an XXL, when he is a Large. He asked what I thought about it....I said, well, it looks really big on you. He said the sleeves were too short on the smaller size, so he had to get this size just so the sleeves were long enough. But he was all hurt/annoyed and took my comment as "criticism". FFS, you asked my opinion and you looked like you were drowning! I guess I was supposed to just say it looked good? Oh well, you can't win em all, all you can do is try.
I don't believe in calling
I don't believe in calling things "Girl" clothes or "boy" clothes. If the child is happy wearing it and is not complaining about teasing then it's not really your place to tell him how masculinity should be defined.
I was just reading an article where a mother wouldnt let her child get a butterfly painted on his face at a party. Because butterflies are for girls?
Boys need to be allowed to be more sensitive and be open to their emotions. Don't force them into a mold.
edit: sorry I just saw he was being bullied. This kind of changes things. Were they bullying him because of the pants? Have you guys talked to the school about it?
Eleven might be a little
Eleven might be a little young to hear a frank opinion, especially when he looks up to you and seems to value your opinion. Kids take things a lot harder than weathered adults.
You can be brutally honest with SS, but the fallout might be that he cries to his mom. And her reaction might be to defend her kid on social media. It's a poor choice of platform, but a natural defense.
You were brutally honest with SS. BM was brutally honest on social media about your exchange with SS. And you didn't like that. Hmmm. Think about that.
Surely you can find a better way to discourage something you think contributes to him being bullied. Suggest other pants that "would look better with that shirt." Ask him why he likes those pants -- it might be the fit, or the feel of the fabric or something unrelated to how they look. If that doesn't work, tell him if he likes them, that's all that matters, and hope for the best.
Who knows what is budding in your SS? Maybe it's only lousy taste in clothes that he'll grow out of. Maybe it's something at his core that he will battle all his life. I say don't make it worse with unnecessary hurt. Defending honesty is fine, but not regulating it for the situation doesn't come off as much noble as it does shameful or mean spirited.
But you didn't say they were
But you didn't say they were girl pants... So she must be talking about another adult.
"Aww, thats so sad. That must be why he asked me what I thought about them."
Play the game.
Since the first time DH and I
Since the first time DH and I saw these pants we let him know we thought they looked like girl pants".
And
The next morning, I was leaving to go to work when he asked me what I thought of the pants he was wearing. Again, we have discussed these pants before and I knew he knew how I felt about them. I told him I don't like them. He said the tag says their boy pants, and I just shrugged.
Maybe OP didn't falt out say that they are girl's pants to the boy but she made it well know that's what she thought they were. If not then why would the child say "the tag says their boy' pants." OP then "just shrugged" making it well known to the child that OP considers them to be girl pants.
You're arugeing semantics. OP disapproved of the pants and made her opinion known. BM has every right to voice her feelings. The child was looking to OP for support and didn’t get it because OP considers the pants to be “girl pants”.
Worse though is OP clearly thinks it's ok that the child get's bullied if they wear those pants. Rather than supporting the kids indviduality she supported the bullying.
My oldest is 22. He has a
My oldest is 22. He has a pair of freaking RED pants that I think look like santa claus pants. I have told him that. And I would if he was 11 too.
This is what stinks in step life. You have to be so so so so careful about what you say because someone else can pick it apart and make you evil because of it. And like an above poster said, in an alternate reality, if she said they were fine and kid got picked on it would have been her fault too.
If my 11 year old wanted to wear pants I didn't agree with (for whatever reason) they wouldn't wear them to school/shopping/whatever. Hell, I don't let my 22 year old wear the santa pants if he wants to go with me out to eat/shopping/whatever.
If it was me and he asked, I would tell him too. At age 11 he should be able to handle the opinion of a "parental figure" that he asks, imho. Babying a child will do them no good.