Soon to be stepmom?
ok, I need help.
I’m a 30 year old mother of 2 boys. I have been single for many years and have become quite accustomed to being on my own. So I understand that I may need to learn to bend a little on my ways and can be stubborn about that.
Late last year, a man came waltzing in my life and has been an absolute dream. He is smart, funny, romantic, helpful around the house and with my two boys, the list goes on.
He has 2 kids of his own that are both the same ages as mine. An older boy and a younger girl. They hit it off with my kids from day one.
So...perfect, right?
eek. I’m not so sure.
I need to start by saying, I don’t mind his kids. They are good kids. They’re just very different from kids I’m used to. My kids are very laid back, easy going, and have very good manners. His are hyper, always on the move (including inside, up and down stairs, jumping on couches, etc). He seems to join in when they are riled up, or just doesn’t seem to notice. I’ve learned to speak up and tell them, there’s no jumping on the couch at my house, please stop running up and down the stairs, etc. Which hasn’t done much because they don’t listen to me. Or they hear me and instead turn to ask him if they can keep doing x,y,z. And he is very hesistant to back me up.
This is my house. He does not live here. I do not allow my children to behave like that. Nor do I allow any other kids (nieces and nephews mostly) to do so.
We have been talking about him moving in and marriage. And this has me really stopping to think.
He told me recently that he gets the feeling I don’t like his kids. And I honestly don’t know how to answer. Because I do like them. But not the way they can behave. And now I feel like I have to Bite my tongue when they’re doing something I don’t like. I don’t find it’s fair to my kids and I don’t want my kids thinking I will be tolerant of this.
Am I wrong for thinking this way? Do I break it off with the man of my dreams because of this? I’m not sure what to do.
If you are having these
If you are having these thoughts, he isn't the man of your dreams.
Don' settle. If he can't parent decently and his kids behavior make you and your kids uncomfortable. Make a different choice,
Good luck.
Why not tell him what you
Why not tell him what you told us?
...that you like his kids, but your kids have been raised differently (this is a diplomatic way to say you don't like kids jumping on your furniture, but without actually insulting his kids' behavior). Tell him you're hesitant to move forward because your different parenting styles could cause a lot of conflict. Tell him his kids would have to listen to you without checking in with him first and how does he think you could both make that happen?
You're looking at a lot of potential upheaval for two households even in the best circumstances. You already see problems, so don't assume you can just throw them altogether and it will all work out. There will be conflict, but you can try to mitigate it by negotiating ground rules before you blend. See how SO and his kids do with the ground rules before moving in together. If he says you can never discipline his kids, RED FLAG!!! But if he's willing to work on it, give it a chance.
All marriages are contracts. Best to iron out some potential problems before you sign. And definitely wait to see proof the contract will be followed before you sign.