Soon to be Stepmom?
ok, I need help.
I’m a 30 year old mother of 2 boys. I have been single for many years and have become quite accustomed to being on my own. So I understand that I may need to learn to bend a little on my ways and can be stubborn about that.
Late last year, a man came waltzing in my life and has been an absolute dream. He is smart, funny, romantic, helpful around the house and with my two boys, the list goes on.
He has 2 kids of his own that are both the same ages as mine. An older boy and a younger girl. They hit it off with my kids from day one.
So...perfect, right?
eek. I’m not so sure.
I need to start by saying, I don’t mind his kids. They are good kids. They’re just very different from kids I’m used to. My kids are very laid back, easy going, and have very good manners. His are hyper, always on the move (including inside, up and down stairs, jumping on couches, etc). He seems to join in when they are riled up, or just doesn’t seem to notice. I’ve learned to speak up and tell them, there’s no jumping on the couch at my house, please stop running up and down the stairs, etc. Which hasn’t done much because they don’t listen to me. Or they hear me and instead turn to ask him if they can keep doing x,y,z. And he is very hesistant to back me up.
This is my house. He does not live here. I do not allow my children to behave like that. Nor do I allow any other kids (nieces and nephews mostly) to do so.
We have been talking about him moving in and marriage. And this has me really stopping to think.
He told me recently that he gets the feeling I don’t like his kids. And I honestly don’t know how to answer. Because I do like them. But not the way they can behave.
And I am very hesistant to bring that behavior into my home on a frequent basis.
Am I wrong for feeling that way? Is this a dealbreaker for me? I don’t even know where to begin processing it.
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Maybe you need to talk with
Maybe you need to talk with him about what’s expected of all of the children when you guys move in or get married. For example, have a problem with children jumping off the walls and hanging from the chandelier? Tell him. Believe that children should (or should not) say ma’am/sir? Tell him! Believe I’m no electronics during the week and only 1.5 hours per day on the weekend? Tell him! Leave no room for there to be confusion of mistreating his children.
You definitely are are not
You definitely are are not wrong for feeling that way. And I definitely would not move forward with them moving in/marriage until you have discussed all this and get on the same page. This is probably the number one issue on this site people have with DH’s and skids. Dad lets them do whatever, SM hates it, it never changes, and then you are stuck or headed for divorce.
Just make it very clear that you do like his kids, but some of their actions need to stop- it isn’t their fault necessarily, they have just been allowed to act like heathens. You can even tell him it’s the things HE allows that you are struggling with- not the kids themselves. They always think we “hate the kids” if we object to their behavior...when really we just hate the things DH’s let them get away with.
I’ve actually said that to him
ive actually said that to him, that his daughter is 5 and doesn’t know any better, and it’s up to him to teach her. This is after the probably 5th time she left my front door open allowing my indoor cat to get out. He asked if we can please keep the cat out of the front hall as a remedy. I very firmly said the cat has hung out in the front hall (his favorite sun spot) for 8 years. His kids needed to learn to shut the door. That’s the only remedy I would accept.
Why the rush to move this man
Why the rush to move this man and his wild things in?
I agree
I agree. I’ve told him I need more time to think about that. I was ready for it until he made the comment that I don’t like his kids. And now I think we have a ways to go before we are ready for that.
Household rules are key. And
Household rules are key. And household rules need to fall on all equally. Kids resent if they feel all rules just fall on them on not stepsiblings (even if that's not exactly the case). That means being honest about the things your kids do that is also annoying to the other half of your new family. You also have to realise that some things aren't necessarily bad, just not what you're used to. Then agree new house rules.
Parents have to be a team. You have to have discussions about rules out of the earshot of kids. And you have to back up the rules even when the other parent isn't there. If you can't do that then you shouldn't move in together.
Good for you for listening to
Good for you for listening to your gut feeling. So many people on here did not do that, thinking "love" would make it all OK, and are now miserable.
Now, listen to him. He's letting you know what kind of parent and partner he will be. He's telling his kids that it's OK to destroy other people's houses. Even after you ask him to rein them in, he dismisses you. Not only that - he joins in!
Before he moves in, have a frank discussion about how all kids in the home will be expected to behave and what the rules will be, but be prepared to pull the plug if he doesn't demonstrate that before he moves in.
He’s been backing me up more
hes been backing me up more after I talked to him, but he has a visible struggle to do so. Which is what is making me think twice before thinking he’s changed.
That's another red flag. Why
That's another red flag. Why doesn't he want to parent his children? Why does he think it's OK for them to behave this way? If he's backing you up just to stay in your good graces, eventually he will get resentful and passive-aggressive. He needs to parent them because he values well-behaved children, not because he thinks he will lose you if he doesn't.
That's where the discussion has to go - what you two both value for your children and whether he can see that upsetting his princess in the short-term brings long-term rewards (ie, kids with good behavior and life skills).
I think if you want to move
I think if you want to move forward with him you need to be very honest about stuff...like kid behaviors etc
Now, while you don't want to come off like you are just bashing his kids.. you should be able to get across that there are some things his kids do that you don't agree with behavior wise. Additionally, you need to figure out how you can both be on the same page with kids and back each other up (yes... if he directs one of yours.. you back that up too).
You can make the conversation a little more pleasant if you stress the good as well as the bad. A Poo sandwich so to speak.
Honey, I love your kids, they get along so well with mine. I'm just not used to kids who have so much energy and I never allow my kids to roughhouse inside because I'm worried they will get hurt or break things. I think it will be great if we can encourage the kids to all play outside a bit more... my kids could probably benefit from some more activity like your kids enjoy. Maybe we should get a nice fort/jungle gym for them to play on outside?
And... I love how we seem to be so compatible. I do worry though that sometimes you are reluctant to back me up with your kids. Can we make a deal? If any of the kids are breaking a house rule like jumping on the couch or eating in the living room (whatever your rules are)..if both of us are there.. then the bio parent will be the one who steps in.. but if one of us doesn't..or doesn't realize what's happening... the other can as the children to stop. And in those cases, the other parent needs to quickly agree and say.. yes.. please stop jumping. Now, if one of us disagrees with the other parent.. I think we need to support each other in the moment for a united front. We can talk later if one of us thinks the other is being to rigid or stern ok? I want my kids to respect you.. and vice versa.
I'm just so happy we met.. and your kids are great... I'm sure it's the same for you.. you probably have to get used to how my kids are as well as my getting used to your kid's personality. I think if we all try to come from a positive place we can make things work.
Like others said, you need to
Like others said, you need to discuss AND enforce house rules. Especially HIM. If you do all of the enforcing, you will soon be The Bad Guy.
Oh, and "you don't like my kids"? That's a standard go-to from Disney Dads who do not want to take responsibility for the fact that their kids have poor behavior and Daddy doesn't have the heart to be The Bad Guy because he doesn't want to hurt their feelings. After all, they are Children Of Divorce and need coddling....
"That's a standard go-to from
"That's a standard go-to from Disney Dads who do not want to take responsibility for the fact that their kids have poor behavior and Daddy doesn't have the heart to be The Bad Guy because he doesn't want to hurt their feelings"
...Proven by the fact that this man is still around. After all, if it were true, why would he subject his children to mistreatment?
Your spidey senses are tingling because you recognize that this man doesn't parent well and has a tendency to spoil his daughter. Either of these issues could cause a relationship to fail. If the kids were older teens with only a few years left before launching, you might be able to tolerate the difference in parenting styles, but this man has many years of child rearing ahead of him.
You are very smart to slow things down. Observe his parenting critically, meet and spend time with his family, and basically vet the dynamic as a whole. Why does he parent this way? Is he the type who is used to women doing all the child care? Does he come from a healthy, fully functional family? How is his relationship with his mother? I'm not even joking. If dysfunction is present in his family of origin, it's been bred into this man and he'll perpetuate it. Not something you want to expose your kids to.
Had the same issue with DH
Had the same issue with DH and the SDs when I moved in with him. Luckily it was a rental. We had many discussions about behaviour and limits. I held firm .... Told him what I expected and how I would handle it and that I would not be on the hook for any damage fees or damage deposit. They damaged furniture, ripped down curtains, blinds, ripped towel bars off the wall, etc. It was horrible. And DH didn't see it! Didn't think there was a problem.
Before we bought a place of our own, I reiterated rules since it was my stuff or jointly purchased. It was my financing that allowed the home purchase. Things worked with hitches here and there....they still do...but you need to learn what you can and can't live with and iterate that to your SO without argument. If he refuses to hear you at all, that would tell me that he is not ready. DH had no idea what he was doing but he heard me, and that has always been a plus.