Go to therapy yourselves and see if you can get some skills to cope with this.  Don't think if won't help.  You two coming together and being on the same page for the tone of your home will help all of the kids cope with this.  

The other thing you need to remember is that your SS has a totally different experience in this country than we white people do and we can never truly and fully understand it.  He has worries, struggles and challenges we will never have to deal with.  Cops are his enemy.  Not ours so much.  Mind boggling for sure.  

Educate yourself on systemic racism.  I am.  

Ok. Try looking at it like this. Look at all the things that trump stands for (to any person of color)  and all of the things the confederate flag stands for to most blacks people. Your SS has been in your family a long time and has maybe never doubted your love for him, but Can you imagine finding out that the people who love you voted for someone who has said so much negative stuff about people of color? Or that they cherish a symbol of oppression for other people who look like you. I’m not saying he was right for stealing your stuff and destroying it, he should definitely be punished (regardless of what it is). But if you’re going to really love this biracial child the way he needs to be, you (and all of your family) are gonna have to look at it from as much of his point of view as you can. You’ll never be able to fully understand, but you should try really really hard!!

He he probably feels slighted and like an outside member of the family. Good luck! 

How old is this kid? Sorry, I don't remember.

Unfortunately, we live in a polarized society where few people can come to the middle and talk about the issues from both sides.   Yes, your police family may like him, but do they acknowledge any of the very real issues with how black men are treated by the police?  That seems unlikely, seems like most cops dismiss that.  Southern families cherish their Confederate history and dismiss the impact of these symbols of slavery on black people.

Stealing and burning your family heirlooms was absolutely unacceptable, and criminal.  But DH needs to be able to sit down with his son and listen to his experience as a young black man in America today; and also help him see the other side of all of these issues as well. He sounds like a very angry and confused boy.

memorabilia and in that collection are some nazi knives. It doesn't mean we love and respect the nazi's cause we don't . But our family member was a world war 2 vet and some of that stuff are things he brought back from the war. Sometimes I think we will take them to our local museum but we haven't yet. I would

be mad if my teen step kid called us nazis and destroyed those pieces or the entire collection because war is wrong 

"I actually hate the Confederate flag and what is stands for."

Tell SS how you feel about that flag.  Tell him you regret how you voted.  Let him know you're not a racist.  

And if my or DH's family revered the confederate flag, I'd disown them.  And my kids would never see those people, and I'd let the kids know why.  

If someone sent me a confederate flag, I'd burn it myself.

If the SS's actions were reprehensible, then so were the OP's for accepting that damn flag into her home.

Kudos to the kid for destroying it.  

The OP's husband should have shut his inlaws down at the BBQ.   Thank goodness his aunts and cousins were there and were not afraid to speak up.

I think you need to stop hiding stuff and have open conversation. If you're so against the flag and what it stands for I don't see how that could turn into a shouting match. I also don't think saying you can't talk politics sends the right message. In all of this I think open communication would have been the better route.

All of your family may like your stepson but if they saw one of his friends that are the same color walking down the street would they treat him the same way that they would your stepson. Lots of racist people have a token black friend that they feel makes their beliefs ok.

There's no way you can truly understand how he feels and what he goes through but talking about it is a large party of understanding. I've been in biracial relationships for the past 14 years have a black SD and a biracial daughter and talking openly helps me understand as best I can what they go through.

was refusing to discuss politics at all and banning the subject from the home. That makes it seem like you agree with the Cheeto and all he stands for (including the racism and misogyny). Part of raising a child is teaching them how to have debates and how to disagree. Also how to have empathy for others. 

And does your son truly care more about defending the police than he does fighting for justice? Would he defend the police woman who shot the man in his own home simply because she has a shield? Blindly going through life believing that a career or title automatically makes you a good person is not right either. 

It seems like there are a lot of heads in the sand as well as a lack of desire to discuss these hard issues. Discuss them. It's important. 

That's a tough one OP. I hope your family can get some outside help to work through this and do damage control. Be very careful because these kinds of things can blow up and go viral on social media.  

OK, I do have a similar situation in my family (although in other ways totally different). I own a nearly complete set of Nazi silver. My SO is Jewish (non-observant).

What makes it different is that my grandfather 'liberated' it during WWII.  However, we used to eat off this silver service when I was a kid and it was my mother's family's EVERY DAY tableware when she was growing up. My grandmother's philosophy was that we had it and 'they' didn't and that's what makes it alright. Every time we used it we showed we'd won over them. 

I inherited it. It's a burden now. As I can't really sell it because anyone who might want to buy it isn't someone I'd want to have a transaction with and I wouldn't want them to have it. I can't melt it down because that's destroying something of historical significance. I can't really use it either. I could find a museum maybe. 

I would not be ok with my SO's kids stealing my silver and melting it down though. 

But I can guarantee you that I will NOT be bringing that silver into our shared home without talking to the SS's about it first and its historical significance and while SSs will not be deciding what to do with it, they will understand my reasoning about how I dispose of it or not. That's where you messed up OP - that was a learning and sharing opportunity - and a chance to sell the memoribilia and donate the money to a better cause than the Confederacy. (I'm a white Southerner. So believe me, I understand all the nuances around this.) 

As for the voting thing - it's time to have a talk as a family about politics. He is old enough to sit down and listen carefully. How we vote and who we vote for matters. If you regret your vote now say so. Talk about alternative political choices. Learn about perspective. SS's is (I'd guess) uninformed and knee-jerk because he is a teenager, but how he FEELS about your political choices and about the disproportionate extra-judicial shootings of black people is valid. If I were a teenager, even as a white teenager, I'd feel exactly the same way. How he's expressing those feelings needs to change - especially within a family context. If you feel unable to have this conversation then the help of a family therapist may be needed. 

that's between you and your family.  You Ss is 15 years old and he's the only person of color in a causian household. Yes, your family treats and loves him like family, but I'm sure deep down he in someway , I'm sure he feels different from the rest of you. 

At 15, you start trying to find where you fit in the world and where you belong.

Everyone did play a part in this situation. Your Ss shouldn't have burned the heirlooms, made a video, and showed it to the rest of your family, he is at fault their. I can also understand why the men in your family, got involved in the "debate" between ss and your bs, if ss was saying nasty things about police officers, of course their going to take it personally, but they shouldn't have gotten involved-If it was bothering them, they should have left the situation (go inside for a bit to use the washroom or something). I'm sure he felt like he was being attacked on his opinion, that only further created a divide, so in his mind it's now "me vs them". Grown men SHOULD NEVER ALMOST get physical with a teenage boy during a debate, again that whole "me vs them" dichotomy in was reinforced in his mind and I'm sure he was hurt as well..If they were getting that emtionally charged, they should have walked away. They're older,  and  more mature than a 15 year old. He was probably hurt a bit from that, so then your dh's family got involved, again "us vs them". Then in the heat of the moment the video was showed. It honestly was just a heatic situation that got out of hand. Feelings are now hurt on both sides, and I'm sure ss feelings like he really doesn't belong in you family. 

Talk to him, in matter of fact get everyone who has involved to talk in a neutral environment. Things were said in the heat of the moment, EVERYONE should apologize. You're not apologizing for having differing opinions, but for how you acted. 

As for not allowing to talk about poltics in your home,  abadone that rule. While at home, one should be able to express themselves without the fear of judgement. This will also teach your ss, that cause because people have different views than him, he can still be kind, and civil with to them. I'm sure this friends have different views than him too. 

I would also recommend getting family therapy. As for loving him as your own son, please don't stop doing that. 

I hope this helps!

My blunt opinion. I think EVERYONE in this situation was being far too sensitive. You're being too sensitive to his accusations, which you obviously know aren't true. And he's being far too sensitive by calling you all racist. The flag was part of history, passed down, and many blacks and whites simply see it as a piece of history and heritage in the south (something I was shocked by when I moved here tbh, I was also shcoked how they teach the civil war... But that's besides the point). Your SS had no right to steal it and burn it, and you shouldn't have felt guilt to hide it away. Either keep it or get rid of it, I don't get the inbetween. If you really didn't want it you could have passed it on to a sibling or cousin that may have genuinely wanted it, it doens't mean they're racist.

You shouldn't have banned talks of politics and instead EVERYONE's opinion should have been discussed and seen as valid. Your SS shouldn't have been saying offensive crap near your family, and your family shouldn't have yelled.

Everyone needs to take a breather and figure out how to co-exist peacefully. Because seperate opinions are always going to exist. Your SS seems to have more issues than just the issue of accusing you of being racist, I think he's honestly using that so that he can act out and you'll all feel too guilty to hand out reprecussions.

I think you're focusing entirely on the wrong thing. The issue isn't you being accused of being racist, it's not who you voted for, it's not any of that. The issue is his behavior and how you both responded to it. You need to meet poor behavior with consequences, and banning tlaking about something doesn't make it any less real and probably just causes a LOT of conflicting emotions.

But that's just my blunt response.

My grandaughter is biracial.  She's gorgeous, a mini Halle Berry.  It saddens me that her dad is not in the picture to give her his side of her culture.  She doesn't feel like she completely belongs in our family.  Sometimes she tells us she wishes she could look like the rest of us.  It breaks my heart.  I tell her I wish I could look like her, with her rich cappucino skin, our ginger family needed some of that awesome skin.

She's only 7 and has been a victim of hate speech.  GD was devestated by it, she doesn't understand.  I'm not a crier, but when DD told me about it, I cried.  I cry every time I remember it.  It's like a knife to my heart.  

Empathy.  

If a confederate flag arrived at my house our whole family would burn it together.  Anyone who thinks it should be kept remind me of the people who didn't want the confederate statues taken down, arguing they are a piece of history.  They are pieces of shameful history, symbols of violent racism, and anyone with empathy would understand how it makes people feel.  People of color have a visceral reaction to it, for good reason.  There are no Nazi statues in Germany.  If people here have Nazi memorabilia, it should only be as liberators.

I don't care how old the grandparents are, they are wrong, and they should know it.  If they don't know it, they are causing pain to this boy, and they should be shunned.  WTF were they thinking sending that to OP's house??

And cops with family who revere the confederate flag?  Ugh.  I can't believe they argued with him.  They should be ashamed of themselves.

I'm a long time lurker but I made an account specifically to address this. I'm sorry that this is happening in your household. I'm black and my husband is white. We have two biracial children, and I have a 7 year old step son who is white. My children are both under two years old, so we haven't had to cross this bridge yet, but I think the most unfortunate part of all of this is that I think this could have been avoided. My youngest child is a 3 month old boy, and I specifically remember being pregnant and my husband and I having a discussion about how sometimes he'd have to try to see the world from our son's point of view, as the world is not always fair.

I won't call you or your family racist - I don't know you guys and I don't think you or your husband intended to do any harm. We don't know what role the BM plays in this either. I do think your husband missed out on more than one opportunity to try to see the world from his son's point of view before this escalated to the point that your family is so divided. I'm not saying to handle your stepson with kiddie gloves - what he did was dead wrong and he needs to learn that no matter how he feels, it doesn't excuse being a jerk and it doesn't give him the right to steal and destroy things that are not his own. By calling you a cracker, he himself is becoming what he hates in the world. I just think that it's probably extremely difficult for you and even your children to understand how he feels, and maybe some compassion from his father would have gone a long way.

We don't know if the BM is PASing him out, but imagine being the only child in a household that is completely different from you, and feeling that no one around you understands how you feel. Imagine seeing people that may look just like you being brutalized by the police and feeling like you could be next. Before anyone tells me that black people kill more black people than the cops, those statistics ring true for every race in the sense what more white people kill white people, more hispanics kill more hispanics, etc. Just imagine how he feels - being 15 is hard enough as it is, and it's even harder if he feels like his own home isn't a safe space. I think that a real discussion between your SS and your husband is the first step. Maybe your husband should acknowledge how he feels and try to learn more about his son and his experiences because it almost feels like you guys would rather rug sweep than deal with your family's problems head on (banning political talk instead of dealing with it head on seems like rug sweeping to me). There needed to be a lot more open and respectful dialogue in your household before this even escalated to this point (like you could have explained the confederate flag stuff to him - not sure if your family did this- and let him know that you don't agree with what it represents and would be giving it away). I clearly don't have the answers, so I hope your family can learn and grow from this. 

I don't blame ss for burning that flag.  It should never have been brought into your house out of respect to SS.   You would have shown him respect if you refused it and let someone else take it.

I also don't blame him for being uncomfortable around many policemen, not his family, given the deadly incidents that seem to occur daily.  I wouldn't make him attend these outings if he doesn't want to go.

These are divisive times. People unfriend friends with opposing views and family get togethers are strained. 

Counseling may be helpful but you also may want to consider disengaging. 

Good luck!