The ‘crazy’ ex wife dilemma.
Hi all.
i have joined as I am struggling to deal with a few things and would love advice/stories on your own situations etc.
basically, my new partner and I both come from ex marriages with 2 children each. I have been single longer and am very amicable with my ex. He has been separated sonce February, and she left, and got a new boyfriend immediately. That was fine, he was glad to be free of her and although she kept being a little painful, it certainly escalated once I came along. She did the typical withholding the children, constant messages saying that he should give her more child support instead of spending all his money wining and dining me (which he doesn’t). She also has accused us and our kids ( ages 3-10) that we sat in a circle around a photo of her and all pointed and laughed. She rules the roost when it comes to the days etc that she has the kids. He has them during the week and most of the whole weekend, every weekend. She flat out refuses to let him have one Friday night free a month. And then accuses him of putting me first for trying to get that one Friday month etc. the list goes on, she just doesn’t stop Day in, day out. All nasty, toxic stuff.
He has started to ignore her since I have come along. But I want him to tell her that enough is enough. He will not respond to her calls or messages and that she is to leave him alone unless a child emergency. He just thinks to ignore her and it will stop eventually. He is scared to say anything as she is unpredictable.
To me, it makes me wonder if he is addicted to the drama she brings to not at least say, I won’t be responding to any calls, texts unless child emergency and to please leave me alone. It concerns me.
It is causing so many issues, and fights. I admit, I am obsessed with it, because I know if I behaved this way my ex would have shut that crazy stuff down immediately. If my ex behaved that way I would tell him to no longer contact me and only email me or use a communication book as contact for kid related concerns.
Am am I being unreasonable??
Get out now, I am not kidding
Get out now, I am not kidding!!!!! Get out’!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have been with my husband for 4 years, his ex is the same toxic mess.... when you get married it will go from bad to unbearable. Right now I’m lookikg into divorcing. Do NOT do this to yourself.
I also have a kid and a reasonable ex and we get along (and I get along with his wife, my daughters stepmom). The injustices you will feel will destroy your soul. Find someone who either has no kids, or someone who has a normal ex.
Is it her or is it him not
Is it her or is it him not setting boundaries?
Both, he isn't setting
Both, he isn't setting boundaries, but even if he did she's still going to be crazy. You can try and influence him to make boundaries but there's nothing you can do to stop her from being crazy. And if he hasn't set boundaries at your urging yet what makes you think he will? And if he does will they last? I guess it amounts to how much of your life are you willing to give to nonsense.
Living my nightmare
I hate to say get out but I have to agree that this is a toxic situation that in most cases does not get better.
I have been living this situation for 12 years. We have been married 5 and the kids are now grown adults 25 and 28 and the crazy ex is still causing issues. I too have a child an ex-husband and he is married also and we get along great, I get along with his wife and my husband gets along wonderfully with my ex.
I would have gotten along with my husbands ex too, crazy or not but she was never going to let that happen. She cheated on my husband and left him however she was never going to let him move on. She turned the kids against me and it is just a mess!!
No one as ever put it better than you have notup4it
"the injustices you feel do truly desroy you" that is so true and I can tell you 12 years in, it doesn't get better.and most important, it is never going away!!!! My husband will always be connected to that crazy mess!!!
I had to leave my situation
I had to leave my situation because of the crazy ex. After several years it just kept getting worse, and my now ex girlfriend would do nothing about it. I watched their toxic relationship as a bystander and it was horrible, and then it got worse. I recieved threats about false abuse chargers, was challenged to fistfight, and the list goes on. When I called her out about this toxic relationship, she showed me the door and I walked right throught it. Probably the smartest thing I've ever done was leave that situation.
Thanks for your reply’s. Is
Thanks for your reply’s. Is it sometimes safe to assume a crazy ex is out of your control? Or is it the way that your spouse dealt with the crazy ex that was the problem. What is reasonable? I’m confused if I am over reacting...
No you are NOT overreacting..
No you are NOT overreacting.... it is your GUT telling you things are not right. We have our “gut” feelings for a reason, our subconscious picks up on things we try to ignore and warns us. Listen to it... trust me!!
At first it was how she was acting, and a bit of him not putting his foot down hard enough. Then he put his foot down but it escalated and has gotten worse and worse over time.
DH is now alienated from his kids, has to fight it through court which costs a fortune (not a nice thing to deal with when you are trying to build a ‘life’ together!!). We even have restraining orders against her and she STILL manages to insert herself into our lives in crazy ways- through court and the kids.
We started off actually not even as bad as you are describing..... the minute we got married (literally the day before) the gloves came off and it has been a full blown war ever since.
I will tell you some of the ways if has impacted my life that I didn’t have the foresight to see....
1) venomous letter to me about my husbamd the day before our wedding
2) court battles that will take money away from your home- away from your family and your kids.
3) resentment and anger that some cow STILL won’t leave YOUR husband the frick alone
4) using their kids as little soldiers to guilt and destroy your husband
5) Always being on edge about what shit they will pull next
6) then your husband Starr’s in at YOU because of your inability to tolerate the hell that you are being put through by him and someone else.
7) you will start being the target for blame why the relationship is messed- whether it is in subtle or direct ways
I couldn't have said this
I couldn't have said this better myself. All of this happened to me as well except BM didn't send a nasty letter she filed for CS on the day of our wedding
Oh my God I could cry
Oh my God I could cry for finding this site and this particular feed. I have been suffering for 12 years with my husbands crazy ex-wife. I thought it was just me and didn't realize others had similar experiences.!
My husband put up with it for years. when the kids were old enough to speak for themselves he decided or I decided it was enough!! Then it got crazier. She faked an illness, had the kids tell him she was getting married. hoping he would come running back to her. She petitoned him to court to appear on the day we were getting married.
I would like to say it gets better but it usually doesn't. I am supposed to ignore it and I am told it will stop. 12 years later it is at its worst.
Child Support filed
1 week after our elopement. One of the big reasons why we chose to elope - the possibiility of resentment and some kind of retaliation.
Our Ex, the BM, I call ToxicTroll. She is violent and abusive and we had a big thing a few months ago. She called me abusive and she called me a c2nt and b!tch. Etcetera. Well, guess what? Shes done about all she can do now. The child support and alimony wont break us. She had been holding the threat over DH's head for YEARS. Threat is gone. Her lies and bad karma are coming back though, because she keeps getting tickets, while driving!
When I first started dating
When I first started dating DH, BM was like that too. They’d had poor boundaries for so long that DH didn’t know the difference. After two months of watching their drama I asked DH to put BM on email only, asked him to never mention her name to me again, he asked the kids not to bring her up in our house, and he got a phone for the older child so that BM didn’t have to go through DH to communicate with skids. The transition was tough and it took a few months but it worked. DH thanked me and said it brought him peace to finally not have to communicate with her as much. It was a breath of fresh air for him. I’m lucky though because BM is not toxic. She’s just needy and was leaning on DH for parenting stuff. She couldn’t parent on her own and wanted DH to do everything for her. She’s better now. I just saw her at a kids sporting event tonight and she is so mousy. I can see how she’s needy and insecure. It’s been over two years so we’ve transitioned and now it’s just a norm for us to not talk to her at all, even at kids events. The in laws were there too and they didn’t even look at her.
I too have said go through a
I too have said go through a communication book or email only. They don’t even have a set care plan in place yet. Mediation is still yet to happen, and that’s if he follows through with what he wants which is week on/week off. She messages him like 10 times before a handover saying I can’t meet here because I have no petrol. Then 15 minutes later changes the destination again. How would he go about doing even one handover without having to check his text messages to know where to meet her?
I just can’t fathom why this woman would act this way. I have 2 children, to 2 exes, and I have a peaceful, amicable set care plan in place that is flexible when needed to help eachother out. But the less contact I have with them, the more peaceful my life is and definitely the way I prefer! It’s called moving on...
That is the difference. You
That is the difference. You are normal and can move on.... these women are personality disordered and will refuse to FOREVER. It is a warped game to them, they can’t even help it.
My DH’s ex was toxic from the start, BUT none of it was directed at me... she actually said to him when she found out about me “Well I’m happy you have a girlfriend now and hopefully she can talk some sense into you”..... and she never called or bothered DH. She was just bitchy to him about other things and verbally abusive.
None of the real crazy came out until the day before our wedding. Tne one uoj are dealing with actually sounds even worse than mine.... and it is not going to get better.
i was in the exact same spot as you, heck me and my ex are friends and I’m friends with my daughters stepmom- zero fighting, ever. So I was so perplexed as to how someone could act the way she does.... but I have gave up trying to figure that out LONG ago. They have disorders, they don’t operate like most people- you cannot understand them anymore than you can understand someone who can kill puppies. The more you travel down the road the more it will blow your mind!!!!
The problem is is these men have something most likely a bit off with them that made them get in the situation and pick this type of partner in the first place.... so naturally they are not going to be good af handling any of this- and then it will all fall on YOU. There is a huge giant difference between someone who hasn’t set boundaries with someone who is just calling often for emotional support, or who is asking for too many favours and someone who ever will tolerate someone belittling them and then once you are in the picture also belittling the one they “love”. A healthy man will NOT let this happen EVER. And it isn’t to say he isn’t a great guy (my DH is a pretty amazing person), but he has something wrong with him where he allowed this to become his life. My ex ALSO would have shut crazy down IMMEDIATELY if I ever pulled ANY of these stunts- and he is also the type of man who would never ever allow anyone to treat him poorly.... ever. Men like that won’t procreate with crazy, end of story.
i too have spent sooooo much time trying to figure out just how DH got himself in this mess, or why this hasn’t resolved and essentially it is because he has no balls (when it comes to manipulative crazy women), he has no problem stirring crap up with me though. Just like you guys fhis has caused many fights for us, which have escalated. Now I’m pretty much blamed and he is just the victim of everything and everyone.
Do yourself and your kids a GIANT favour and set a time frame that by which you need to see that crazy stopped. Like 2 months or 6 months or what you feel comfortable with... and stick to it, no matter what if it is not Bette by that time you are out.
Right now I’m habinf a panic attack and can’t sleep cuz DH just dropped another 10k in court the other day For kids who don’t want a thing to do with him...and let her back up into our lives after a few months of what was seeming like relative peace. I feel like I am married to his past.... I don’t feel like I’m married to him- how sad is that?
So far she doesn’t know who I
So far she doesn’t know who I am. I haven’t seen her. I’m not on Facebook so she can’t find me. She hasn’t said anything about me besides the constant Stop putting your new gf first - when he has not even done that at all anyways.
I am actually studying my bachelor degree in psychology and absolutely get that she is a narcissist. She doesn’t want him. She didn’t for a long time. She just mentally abuses him and uses his daughters as the pawn. But then she can’t handle them for more than a couple of days so even when she has withheld them or threatened to she then calls and says come and get them now!
At the moment, we had a big drunken blow up on Monday night and haven’t seen eachother since. Have messaged a bit but he does not get that I know through myself and my training as a psych that he needs to say no more. No more messages, no more attacks. I don’t think email would even work as she would bombard him through there. He says it doesn’t affect him as any abuse she says he doesn’t listen too or take on board. He understands that an ex constantly contacting him and bringing toxicity into our lives affects me. But he is sick of it being all we talk about - and the only thing we argue about. If he stood up and said no more contact, communication book only etc, then I would feel much more confident. But he won’t. I don’t get it!!!!
Can you guys get a set
Can you guys get a set visitation and child support order that establishes in exact detail dates, times, locations and amount of child support so that there is no back and forth constantly? If this is established it would remove a lot of frustration for all involved. They would both have no choice but to follow it and maintain some consistency.
Wait
They have been separated for.. 6 months? Are they divorced yet?
No not divorced. They lived
No not divorced. They lived under the same roof but in seperate rooms for a year. She moved out in February. No formal processes have really begun as it all takes so much time to get appointments etc for mediation. They can’t divorce until 12 months of living apart. Having said that, the divorce isn’t really an issue. I am still legally married to my ex husband, whom I separated nearly 5 years ago. I know, I know. We will eventually, none of us want to pay for it and go through the hassle. Too much other crap always going on !!!
Yes
Yes you are being unreasonable. Get your own business sorted out before you move along to something else.
I don't care who is sleeping where or with whom, that man has a wife. You are actually angry because his wife wants to "rule the roost" in her own husband's house?
I believe you have read my
I believe you have read my post incorrectly.
They were (previously) living under the same house, in seperate rooms for a year before SHE LEFT the house in February and started her new relationship with her boyfriend. I came along after this, and live in my own house, by myself, with my 2 children. He lives by himself, with his 2 daughters (shared care)
They are not 'legally' divorced, but he is not her husband in the traditional sense of marriage meaning when you love one another, not just a piece of paper.
And they do not own the
And they do not own the property, it is a rental which he has taken over by himself.
I also have a piece of paper. But that is all that remains of my ex-marriage. The simple formality.
I think you may be getting a little caught up in the paper work side of things of marriage - which is exactly that. A piece of paper. However, that is not my concern or my question - to make it simpler, perhaps use the terms his ex girlfriend, so we don't get too stuck on the paper and miss the point...
That "paper"
Holds a lot of power. That simple piece of paper can allow her to ban you from his hospital room, get you locked out of his house if you are not on the lease with him. She can cause you a lot of grief with that paper.
I can’t see her easily
I can’t see her easily signing that piece of paper either.... it keeps another tie. Great.
Can you both file for divorce
Can you both file for divorce and work through the process in parallel? I get the 12mo thing. However a formal initiation of the process both gets it started and starts to box in the toxic XW/BM in order to continuously draw the noose of behavioral control and compliance to a CO around her neck.
it doesn’t get better.
it doesn’t get better. Sometimes it will, and you will have the peace that you want, but then it will come right back the minute you get comfortable. My husband also has no balls. We’ve been together four years and have maybe went two weeks as the longest without contact with her. Their relationship is very cyclical and the roller coaster of that is exhausting. I love that man more than I ever thought I could love someone. That said, every day I have the ‘what if love isn’t enough’ talk with myself.
Get the book "Say Goodbye To
Get the book "Say Goodbye To Crazy", read it, have your SO read it. It saved me, and my sanity, and helped my DH see HCBM for what she really is, and what she was doing.
Thank You for the great tip!
Thank you for the great tip!!! I read your post the other night about the book ... " Say Goodbye to Crazy"
I went right to Amazon.com read a little about it and ordered it.
It arrived today and I haven't been able to put it down!! It is like they know me and my situation.
Great tip and highly recommended!!!
Anyone with this issue should try this book!! So far it is great, and at the very least it gives you validation that the problem is not you and all of your understanding and negotiating will never fix crazy!
You guys have been so
You guys have been so supportive and given me such great advice. I will be forever thankful x
Yes I am starting to see that
Yes I am starting to see that. There are alot of crazy ex wives, and alot of compliant men. As i said, I would never behave like that, an ex is an ex for a reason, and you need to put the children first always. But seriously, my exes would tell me to go and get ****** and they would withold my children from me if i behaved like these ex wives do. And I wouldnt blame them for doing so....
Whoa. Wait a minute.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
”you need to put the children first always”.
Absolutely not!
That is the death knell for any blended family relationship. Or any adult partnership for that matter.
The adult relationship and the partners are the ONLY thing that comes first for both partners. EVER.
The marriage/partners are the only unequivocal top relationship/marital priority. Period.
Children,regardless of their biology, are the top relationship responsibility but never take priority over the relationship at the heart of the family whether it is a blended family if an intact initial family.
Get that straight in your head now before you launch further into this blended family adventure.
IMHO of course.
Timing is everything, and you
Timing is everything, and you've chosen a man who isn't really available. He's freshly separated, and hasn't done the legal part of uncoupling yet so he's deep in the drama trenches right now. This man needs to handle his divorce business, live alone and parent alone for a while before he'll be able to give 100 percent to a new relationship.
While it's true that many men never show much spine concerning their exes, I think it's important to acknowledge that divorcing is a stressful, painful process that affects men as well as women.
Date him casually if you must, but step back, take care of you, and don't expect more than this man has to offer just now.
That was similar to what was
That was similar to what was happening with my ex fiance- I think he was addicted to the drama and he was obsessed with one upping her her- and she was the same--- honestly it was pathetic
Boundaries are key
When I met my DH he was in a similar pattern to your SO. BM was calling him daily to talk for hours (usually to complain or tell him he was a terrible person). She also loved to contact him to demand more money (and threaten she'd report him to child support enforcement if he didn't give her more) and demand he change his visitation time because she had plans. He didn't even realize this was an issue and had no idea what boundaries were. My MIL has no boundaries, so he grew up without knowing what healthy boundaries were.
I told him early on that I was not interested in being in a relationship with someone who was still in a psychological relationship with another woman. DH cut BM off pretty fast. She sort of went crazy when DH and I got engaged, leading to a mediation where DH got it put in writing that BM was prohibited from speaking to him in person or on the phone.
I honestly think my DH didn't know any better. He was unaware of how terrible and over the line BM's behavior was and as I mentioned above, grew up with a mother without boundaries, so he didn't even know what boundaries were.
We're still working on boundaries, but DH has made amazing progress. Now our challenge is his knowing when to stand up to BM and when to just ignore her. Fighting is a form of intimacy and some exes use fighting as a way to hang on to the relationship.
I remember telling DH early on that psychologists would say that if a divorced couple needed to talk every day, one or both of them was still holding on to the relationship. I asked him point blank if his ex wife was the one holding on to the relationship or if he was. That also made him re-evaluate taking all of her calls.