Finally met the kid and really tried but dont think I can do it

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Finally met the kid.. really tried.. pleasantly surprised how well we got along. I was able to speak with him for over 3 hours while sitting on the floor- we seemed to bond which was nice. However, the Dad then accused me of being "manipulative" for talking to his child for that long and said who speaks to a kid for that long and seemed concerned with all of the info the kid told me so quickly. Well.. I was concerned too. The kid seemed to say things that were really surprising to me.. like the fact the father never even told him we went away together.. and he found out from the babysitter. meanwhile the Dad wanted to cut the trip early because he said the kid was so upset he was traveling with me. he also told me the other night the dad saw me he never told him where he actually went.. when I told the dad this he said "dont believe everything kids tell you." Well this is sort of concerning. Not really sure who to believe in this situation but something is very fishy. The kid was extremely clingy with the dad the entire time and also slightly manipulative with 2 crying spells because he was left alone for all of 5 minutes when i tried to have 5 min alone with the dad... he then came running into my room and laid on my bed with the father crying despite me saying how nauseating it was to hear that the kid was allowed in bed with the dad and the ex gf. This was a hard boundary I had set prior to ever mtg him and the kid which apparently went straight out the window. ALSO- side note- the mother bought the kid a cell phone while we were away and out of the country. He started texting the dad while we were on the trip and so did the ex wife-- the ex girlfriend texted him last weekend also saying "hey whats going on?" which makes me really wonder what hes doing every other weekend im not seeing him...

I continued to try with the kid after mtg him.. I texted him and asked how his first day of school was. The kid has now decided to reply back a full WEEK later after the dad let it slide and i expressed numerous times that this was disrespectful and he should be setting boundaries and telling the kid to reply if he wanted this to actually work. He continues to say the kid is a kid.. and who even cares.. I also asked him to please let me know if he speaks with the kid or the ex wife about his first day of school so i can be kept in the loop and not look foolish asking about things they already know the answer to. He said ok. I then see on his phone later on he asked the ex wife for photos of the kids first day of school.. saved ten of them.. and didn't bother to tell me. I feel like this is still an active emotional bond between them that borders on inappropriate. It's not her... its him.. I also found a text he sent to the babysitter apologizing for how "chaotic" things were this summer because it was more challenging with a "new gf" for his child and his ex wife. WHAT? What about me?
Why is he still so concerned about how his ex wife feels? And why is he apologizng for something that is supposedly good in his life?

We are at a fork in the road. I don't believe any of this will change and I also don't believe that this is the picture perfect situation he claimed it was. The kid seems spoiled and to get whatever he wants. He also said to the kid.. how do you feel if i spend two hours with XX (me) tomorrow? Meaning the kid dictates how his time/my time is spent. This feels so outrageous to me. How is this normal behavior? Why is a child calling the shots? He also promised the child my dog so he can watch him when he feels like it even though its my dog.. and let the kid run in the streets with him even though i said the kid is NOT allowed to walk my dog alone unless he holds the leash. He didn't even apologize. I feel this situation is completely boundaryless and he has no respect for me. I also don't think the kid does either and he certainly didn't do much to encourage respect. I also asked him to be less overly affectionate than usual the first time we met.. that never happened and he was actually so affectionate that several people commented it was too much....

asked him to be less overly

asked him to be less overly affectionate with the child* not with me. He was not affectionate with me at all around the kid..

Time to move on.

Be wary, every step you take

Be wary, every step you take leads you deeper into the swamp. This swamp sounds kind of sketchy.

It does sound sketchy. Just

It does sound sketchy. Just like my marriage.

See, what I've noticed is that my husband is the most honest person in the world until it comes to his daughter. Then he's secretive, shifty, sneaky and lying. Everything in my life makes sense until it's something that has to do with his daughter -- then I'm guessing, assuming, never quite in the loop.

The piece you are no doubt missing about this guy and his kid is what your SO is trying to hide -- what he's hiding from you and what he's hiding from his kid and what he's hiding from his ex. Your SO is trying to keep a lid on certain information so none of you knows the real story. He doesn't want you to see anything that makes you run, he doesn't want the kid to see anything that makes him whine and he doesn't want his ex to see anything that will make her bitch and complain.

The dance these dads do is incredible.

You don't have to run now, but keep your running shoes on. It really sounds as if your guy is trying his best to manage everyone so no one gets out of check. It won't work, of course, and you'll be resentful and angry and the kid will be a mess.

If you're seeing these signs this early, don't get too attached!

late text replies are NORMAL

Do you even remember what was the most annoying question adults asked you when you were a kid? Ok after "Do you have a boyfriend yet?" or "Have you grown?" it was "How was school?" I know that you texted him out of genuine concern. From his perspective it's like "eye roll" how many times do I have to answer that question - including to some person he's only just met.

If you're gonna get worked up about every little thing - then this isn't for you.

But the biggest red flag is the way dad reacted to you getting on with his kid.

Run now before you get too

Run now before you get too deep. It’s not worth it. Coming from someone who has to deal with two step teenagers. I wish I was as smart as you and left two and a half years ago. Now I’m in too deep and extricating myself is turning out to be harder than I thought.

Yeah none of this sounds good

Yeah none of this sounds good. Can you honestly see working all of these concerns out? You have a lot of obstacles in your path. Clingy spoiled kid, Dad getting mad at you for talking to his kid (really??), Too much contact and emotional investment in BM, Ex gf texting, trying to get out of vacay early because he just can't be away from SS...the list goes on. You have an uphill battle on your hands. Is it worth it? Can you imagine dealing with a crying skid all the time? Do you think your SO is the one? I assure you there are plenty of other guys out there, and this one doesn't exactly sound like a catch. The next step is moving in at some point, and imagine having this kid there all the time when you are together.

One thing- If you are going to still try to make this work (I honestly would question why you would want to, but if you are), you need to let go of some control and expectations. This is for your own sanity. You only met the son once. Becoming a part of his son's life is a slow, gradual process. Texting right away and expecting an answer is probably a bit much. Asking your SO to tell you everything about the first day of school, being mad that he didnt' show you pics, etc, is probably a bit much so early on. Now, if things progressed and you spent more time and were more involved with SS, I would say you have a right to be in the loop, texting him may be appropriate...but right now, I don't think you're there yet. I've been with my SO for 2-1/2 yrs and I barely text SS!

It sounds like you are extremely frustrated with everything about this situation. You can find someone it won't be so complicated with....