When you start to lose respect for H
I am really start to lose respect for my H as a man and a father. I swear I don't know how to stop it. SD17 has been coming home every night at 11. I have told this H every single time this last week and his reponse is "I'll get her." Last night she asked if she could stay out till 10:30 and he said yes. She came home at 11:30. I told H this morning and he said the same line. Today she was late for school.
SS18 was tardy again today too. This makes 7 tardies and 2 absences in less than 4 weeks of school. He does nothing. He has an F in Algebra and told H that its because he didn't finish a test. How do you not finish a test? He buys their BS on a daily basis.
I am starting to really wonder how the hell I am going to stay in this marriage when I cannot respect a man for not giving his children boundries, rules and discipline. But since SD17 and I have issues he turns it on me and says that I am just hating on her becasue of our situation.
I called for a counseling appointment next week. I am really struggling.
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"DH, I won't have adult skids
"DH, I won't have adult skids living with me after they graduate or fail out of high school. Whether that means they launch or I leave is entirely up to you."
Wash, rinse, repeat. If that doesn't get your DH to shape up, then you know where you stand.
I'd stop even caring about
I'd stop even caring about the daily issues and like Lt. Dad suggested worry instead about the end goal, constantly communicating to DH what they suggetsed: "DH, I won't have adult skids living with me after they graduate or fail out of high school. Whether that means they launch or I leave is entirely up to you."
In the mean time I would busy myself making my plans to move in case he chooses his kids over you.
You can't or shouldn't care
You can't or shouldn't care more than the parents about your skids. You can and should care about your marriage. Sounds like your man doesn't care about either.
I am soooo in the same position
*I keep asking myself why do I care? SD15 isn't my kid. I'm not responsible for how she grows up. Who cares if she stays up on her phone until the early hours of the morning? Who cares if she spends the night on a school night at a friends house? Who cares if she goes to a late movie on a school night? Who cares if she doesn't come home after school or volleyball practice but instead goes where ever she wants to go without at least checking in? Who cares if she rides in a car with a newly licensed driver on a very icy night?
Should any of this matter to me? Should what you see your skids doing matter to you?
I've started to get over caring about SD's safety and developing character. I cared about her and I look out for the safety of any child child in my supervision. She's beyond my control now and almost beyond the control of DH.
I know for me that when I see SD manipulating DH into things he wants to say no to that I lose respect for him. I'm dealing with this right now. It's hard for me to even see him in a husband role. He's always been the tough guy and strong father figure but he let's her make him look and act like a door mat. He has no assertiveness with her but instead gets all passive and wishy washy on any of his decisions. It's hard to respect a full grown man who gets pushed around by the whims of immature kids.
BTDT
Been there, done that. I just learned that acronym today! Just finished a six-year episode of the same brew. Thanks to ST, I didn't wind up in an I-Love-Me-Jacket in a padded cell! I definitely need to write an update blog covering the past two weeks, but the nutshell version is: my DH chose wisely and kicked SS18 out. So this weekend will be my 2nd skid-free weekend!
We'd said for years, and in December I posted a graphical timeline "Launch Plan" on SS's bedroom door, codifying the College or Military or Out! message in writing. I knew the manipulations, lazy procrastination, attitude, etc., would be endless if we let him stay (we got him a car 3 years ago but SS still doesn't have his drivers license!). So, DH chose our marriage over SS's b.s. excuses, and actually kicked him out. I cannot describe how relieved I am! Also, it was a wake-up call for SS cuz he's living with BM & StepVictim I mean StepDad, and they won't even give him a key! DH us doing a great job explaining this is the consequence of f*cking around instead of handling business. I am glad he's letting SS experience the uncomfortable consequences.
Read this site & take care of you. Lots of wisdom, compassion and support here at StepTalk!
A few things resonated with
A few things resonated with me here- the increasing lack of respect for a man who seems to lie down and let people walk on him (mostly his children, but sometimes his ex)- the fact that he turns this on you and then you begin to feel bad about yourself and wonder what a mean person you seem to have become-and finally the need for counselling.
I remember all these things happening to me- the realisation when we took his grandkids away for a weekend, of the kind of father he must have been and the way he must have behaved when on family holidays (I felt I had turned into BM doing everything for those kids!) and the eventual pointing the finger of blame at me to call me 'evil' for not seeming to enjoy being with his offspring's offspring.
-the gradual wearing away of my self-esteem until I finally found this site and realised it wasn't me after all
- the going to counselling to try to save a relationship that he didn't want to save unless I began to lick the bottoms of his children just like he did.
It is almost six months since I left that game behind. At first I felt sad and sorry, but now I am just so glad to be away from that craziness.
Once that respect has gone it is terribly hard to restore it. I do hope the counselling helps you see a way through this for yourself, but I'll offer you some comfort by saying there are many people on here who have been where you are and have found their way through it. I wish you well.
For Me
The counseling is really more for me and how to deal with animosity I have toward SD17. I literally cannot stand to be in the same room with her. I dread going home, and pray every day that she is gone before I get home (which she ususally is). I know it probably does seem like I hate on her more to H than SS18 because I just cannot stand the site of her. She is so disgusting with her room/bathroom and just overall every day stuff that I just lose it practically daily. She reminds me more and more of her Mom every day. They both have ugly hearts and souls! I need coping skills to deal with those issues.
It has become all I think about and the anticpation of the next argument is with me all the time. I need help dealing with that and thought counseling might be good.
For the last two years all of my family and friends continue to tell me to STOP looking at their grades, STOP looking at their attendance and STOP telling H. I know he isn't going to do anything but at the same time, I do not want him to be able to say I didn't know. That was his excuse in the last custody battle, "I had no idea until it was too late!" and for some stupid reason, I want to make him see THEIR failures are his failures and a direct result of lack of parenting!
I know that sounds stupid and dumb and maybe the counselor will help me with that. I don't want to give up on my marriage. When its just us, its the best! We are great together. I have been in a relationship with this man for 11 years and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I just want his kids gone (which I know they will never be) but you all know what I mean.
Whoa I constantly have
Whoa I constantly have started to be very vocal about my step daughter's behavior, which involves scheduling her social life above all things. Failing in her academics and becoming increasingly rude. When she comes over, she wants to sleep out at her friends house except she is 13 years old. Who allows their child to sleep out every weekend? Like this is crazy to me and you can see the child dropping into a dark place and his response was " I am glad she has a social life, an outlet to take her away from the stresses of home" to which I responded "CANT YOU SEE YOUR DAUGHTER IS UNHAPPY IN A PLACE, SHE IS SUPPOSED TO FEEL SAFE?" DO SOMETHING BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!" His response, I know but she has an outlet - translation he will do next to nothing. SAD!!!
The relationship among the siblings is so bad, that is caused the mother to be rushed to emergency as she has had a mental breakdown and instead of taking control of his children, he allowed the ex wife to make the decision for her best friend to care for them while she was out for 12 weeks. She probably did this because she thought she would lose custody. No best friend would be caring for my children PERIOD.
When she failed the first term, he bought her explanation and instead of putting boundaries on her, he allowed her to continue, the next term she failed some more and yet with a few tears, she gets her way and he thinks she will do the right thing. PARENT YOUR CHILD.
I am afraid that if he contiunes this lack of doing something substanial, I may lose respect for him.