Major Blow(s) Up !
I get home from work last evening and who is in my house ? None other than SD26 !!!!! I ask DW how this came to be, she said “ She called this morning and asked” oh and “ I’m sorry I was very busy today, I should have told you.”
I go to the bedroom and just seeth, WTF !!!!!????? What the hell happened to meeting at a neutral location?, we just talked about it the other night !
The methwhore finally leaves but I stay in the bedroom attempting to compose myself to confront the problem level headed, apparently I didn’t take enough time. I head back out to the living room and ask what is going on? Why wasn’t I asked about it? What happened to the neutral location meetings?
She didn’t know she needed my permission and didn’t think the neutral location thing was set in stone.
I fracking lose it!!! I blasted her with both barrels, ”You blindsided me” “You stabbed me in the back” “I’m being manipulated” “You know I can’t stand her and there she is again, in MY home!” “I’m so tired of this shit!” “If you don’t like it there’s the door, take YOUR kids and go!” “How’s that feel for a change!”
None of it was stated logically, well thought out or with patience, it was all blind rage, seeing red and blistering hate.
She then states that she feels blindsided, she never meant to intentionally hurt me, that she has never told me “there’s the door……” and askes for the exact instances when she has said it, oh here wait a minute late me review the audio tapes from all our past fights over your kids. She agrees she said it once years ago, but refuses to acknowledge the other times that I know she has said it to me.
She keeps going on about how fine she will from now on go to a neutral location, that she will take the heat over it and she will have one more thing on her plate to deal with. She keeps laying guilt on top of guilt on me until I feel like the bad guy AGAIN.
We are quiet for the rest of the evening, I apologize for blowing my top and for the things I said, she keeps saying she never meant to hurt me and she thought we were doing good talking things out recently, apparently not, huh? She cries and keeps apologizing but I’m numb all I can think is, “It’s never going to change, she’s never going to change, I’ll will be emotionally manipulated by her for the rest of my life and have to deal with her two worthless kids and the Gskids who will probably end up pretty much the same as the skids.”
I apologize again for the things I said, kiss her good night, roll over and flip her from underneath the covers. When the baby starts crying at 12:30 I just roll over and think, “ Have fun with that, he only does this now when you let the methwhore come over.”
Today I’m at work, looking at rental places online, working on an exit strategy and wondering if my Father could loan me the money to move out. Not that I’ll do any of it, I figure I must be paying a penance for a sin I have forgotten about.
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Comments
I think you need to lay it
I think you need to lay it out blunt for DW. She's risking her custody of the kids and both YOU and the KID'S safe home environment by having the methwh0re over. She's not even being logical, she's being a pushover and risking the Gskids likely ending up in the foster care system (becuase that's where they're go, they aren't going back to mommy)
I'm mad for you! That's not right at all! She shouldn't be inviting someone you don't want in your home in! Ex, methwh0re, I mean s*** if one of the adults in the home didn't want freaking Ghandi in the home, he shouldn't be there either! It's disrespectful! It's YOUR HOME. SD26 shouldn't be able to decide she can enter somewherre she's been told she can't. Your DW shouldn't be allowing it.
I understand your blow-up, I had a similar one the last time Psycho got to set foot in my home... It happens.
She needs to actually listen to what you're saying. Don't buy her crying (people do that when they've been caught too). Either she actually listens and your conversations stick, or they don't. That's a black and white line.
I'm sorry Major, you're doing awesome things for your Gskids. I'm pissed for you.
I'm so sorry she hurt you
I'm so sorry she hurt you like this. Nothing fuels the righteous rage like the playing dumb act. Didn't know the neutral location was set in stone my ass. You are spot on that she's manipulating you. Even the repeated apologies are a manipulation tactic. It only needs to be said once if it's sincere. Laying it on thick like that is intended to make you feel wrong for telling her the truth. Make no mistake, you haven't done anything wrong.
Major stop apologizing for
Major stop apologizing for something that was long over due. You've been bottling up these feelings for so long that it was bound to come out. Like the other posters stated, you can only change yourself and looking for a rental is a good step in order for you to detach from the situation and think things through. I believe if she sees you making this move it will make her understand that you are serious about changes being made and you no longer are tolerating the manipulation.
You both discussed the situation at great length regarding SD and she knew she shouldn't be allowed back home but she did it anyway. Stop buying into the crying nonsense "oh woes me" bullsh!t. Its time to take care of you!
This was a long time coming.
This was a long time coming. Those things needed to be said. Now if she takes what you said to heart and actually keeps SD26 away from the kids and your home, you might have a shot at some peace in your lives. If not... you said it... there is the door.
I don't blame you!
She completely ignored a plan you both had in place and went her own route. She is a complete enabler(my parents are like this) and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it until she gets her head out of her butt. Hopefully she realizes this before the total destruction of her entire family. You deserve peace and you deserve happiness. I asked one of my parents recently if they could visualize or remember a day without the drama they have gone through for years. Sadly she said no. Don't keep yourself in a position to not be able to see or experience happiness.
You should flat out ask her
You should flat out ask her if she is willing to, and ok with, sacrificing her grandchildren for the stupid sake of not saying no to her failing at life children.
Is she ok losing you, while ruining the grandchildren...just so she doesn't have to say no to her horrible children?
Is she ok with her grandchildren growing up to be like her children? If she is, no amount of "love for your wife" should keep you there to be a part of that. The grandchildren WOULD be better of in foster care and given the opportunity to have a real life.
Thanks everyone, I really had
Thanks everyone, I really had to vent that. I don't think I can respond to everyone individually, my head is in a bad place, too many thoughts and feelings running through it. I am sure what she did was purposeful, she has done things like this in the past because she knew I would either say "no" to something or just would be against it. When I first started talking to her I said I was comming out to suggest we go see a counselor because we are not on the same page and then it spiraled out of control. She takes everything I say and turns it around on me, making me even madder. These things never go well and so they happen not very often, probably not the best thing. She doesn't know I am looking at rental properties, she would probably not fight very hard if I said I was leaving, she would just try and lay more guilt on me, but I doubt she would do anything to get me to stay, yes she would cry but making real changes wouldn't happen.
I've had a lot of dark thoughts in the past 16 hours and no where to go with them, part of me wants to go home and pack, part wants to cry, part wants to just lay down and sleep for days on end but mostly I want time travel to go back and never meet her in the first place.
Thanks for reading and responding.
MajorBlunder~ take some deep
MajorBlunder~ take some deep breaths and consider taking some alone time to get your barings together. You're upset and rightfully so. You're not in a good place to make any decisions on your future right now, so go to a quiet and peaceful place where you can reflect. Your mental health is important so I'd place that as priority right now.
Take care of you!
mental health break
If nothing else, you need a mental health break even if it's just for a night. Can you hit a hotel or go to a friends or relatives house just to take a break? It will give you some time away from the situation to step back from it.
Staying away a night would be
Staying away a night would be great but I'm afraid that it would also worsen some things. The fight upset the 8y/o since all she ever saw with her mother was fighting and abuse, not comming home for a night would probably upset her as well.
You have a right to live your
You have a right to live your life in a manner that makes you happy, being an enabler does not make you happy. I would still invest in a rental place and let DW know that you can no longer help her enable her children. This is her path she has chosen and you can no longer continue down it. You have a right to happiness in your life, just as much as she does. It's not your fault her children are worthless and you should not feel like you have to fix it for her. DW needs her own therapy to help her with her enabling, or she needs to learn to live without because she chooses enabling over you.
I would suggest the next time you talk just simple put on repeat "I can no longer help you enable these adults, I am allowed to live my life to make me happy. I love you but I also have the right to my happiness and you enabling your children to the detriment of my happiness can no longer continue."
I really like the last line,
I really like the last line, if I can remember it verbatim and have the balls to say it I will use it.
Write it down and give it to
Write it down and give it to her
AMEN!!!
AMEN!!!
"I can no longer help you enable these adults, I am allowed to live my life to make me happy. I love you but I also have the right to my happiness and you enabling your children to the detriment of my happiness can no longer continue."
I'm not sure what I'm going
I'm not sure what I'm going to do at all, I feel very angry still and lost right now. I'm not even sure what to write here. I hope last night was a wake up for DW, I can't be sure it was. I really thought she was doing better at not enabling SD26, she claims she allowed her to come to our house for the children's sake, I blew that one out of the water immediately. As for the rest of it, I don't know. She called me at lunch today to see if there were any days comming up that were not good for meeting with DSS, apparently we have a meeting comming up, she could have texted, I think she called to see if I would answer in the first place and also hear my voice to see if I was still angry, I basically went Grey Rock.
I have to admit it's hard to hear others say things about DW, my first reaction is to defend her but I know everyone here is well intentioned and on "my side". I know I can't change her but I pray that she will change none the less.
As for my mental health, anyone who knows me here well enough knows that has always been in question anyways so......
Seriously I can't just put the children on the back burner, I believe they are my responsibility right now, even if I didn't ask for it, I'm fairly resilient but little ones don't need more problems than they already have, if I find that no matter what I have to stay just to protect them, then so be it.
I am going to look into counseling, don't believe it will happen overnight but I think that at this point it's more than necessary.
Last night assuredly was NOT
Last night assuredly was NOT a wake up call for your wife. She's used to drama and strife. She's also used to manipulation and knows every one of your weaknesses, so if you do as you always do, this fight will be nothing more than a blip on her radar.
Please do something different this time, Major. I know you love those children, but your one shot at effecting change in your home (if you choose to stay) is to get very selfish and go harda$$. Stop enabling the enabler.
I don't advocate leaving unless you stay gone as I feel your position weakens when you come back. Instead, tell her she's pushed you too far and you're wondering if she's fit to care for the gskids since she's making so many bad decisions. Ask how she'd feel if the kids went into the system, and tell her that you WILL report any further shenanigans because she evidently lacks good judgement where they're concerned. Let her know you have one foot out the door, and if she persists in destroying your marriage, you will make it your mission to see those children placed with loving NORMAL people so they'll have a shot at a good life. THAT is your leverage - make her afraid of what you will do. Keep a daily calendar of these incidents at work to document the dysfunction and infractions. Separate your finances completely (no joint accounts or c.c.s and she gets no access to your money) and insist she seek counselling.
Meanwhile, keep working on your exit strategy. Nice guys tend to finish last, especially where multigenerational dysfunction exists, and you have every right to a peaceful existence.
Major,
Major,
I think anyone of us.. any one of us, would blow our top if we came home from work and found our step daughter fresh out of prison in our living room. Fresh out of prison and we are supporting some of her children
Fresh out of prison,
Fresh out of prison, supporting some of her children and at this time in her life will do nothing but damage the children
Major, reading about your
Major, reading about your fight with your DW brought me right back to dealing with my XH.
It's not the enabling that is concerning. That, with time and bad experience, can be rectified. Whether You can stand to be around for that wake up is the question.
But the real concern is her LACK of concern for you. We all knw you're drowning, so there is no way your DW doesn't know. Not only did she disregard her own word to you, but she did something that she DID NOT NEED TO DO KNOWING IT WOULD HURT YOU. Her behavior PURPOSEFULLY hurt you. She wanted to make herself feel better TO YOUR DETRIMENT because it makes life "fine" for her.
Major, my XH very much was the same way. He did things for himself because he truly thought his happiness was most important. Didn't matter that it hurt me, whether it be financially, emotionally, or psychologically. So long as he got his, then everything was okay. When I finally, FINALLY , told him I couldn't do it anymore and wanted to see a counselor, he told me it was too expensive, he was happy, and didn't see the problem.
It took over a year for me to have any semblance of self-esteem. That relationship CRUSHED me, and I can see it doing the same to you.
Please, PLEASE, consider leaving. You are of no use to your grandkids if you are sick, and your DW has to keep you beaten down to get you to stay. This relationship could kill you, and it isn't worth it.
Why is it......
That sometimes we have to totally and completely lose our sh!t in order for our spouses to finally wake up and listen?????
In this case, Major, I think you need to take the momentum of your argument and CONTINUE. Speak UP for yourself, your grandbabies, and your family. I believe that partners should be equal and have equal say and input in the household and relationship, but I also believe that the MAN of the house is the MAN of the house. I think you are internalizing this stuff way too much, and your sanity and health are suffering. Why should you suffer in silence? I read all of your posts and it seems that the long-suffering martyr/partner is DEFINITELY not your M.O.
I'm GLAD you finally let your wife have it and told her what is REALLY up and going on. PLEASE don't let her twang those guilt strings and back down. She knows EXACTLY what she is doing. She's trying this desperate, but useless, dance and balance between her loser kids and her family with you and Gskids. By blowing up on her, you have thrown her off balance. CONTINUE to do so. Of course, I'm not recommending that you blow up on her everyday, but continue to speak your mind, be firm, be honest, but if you keep a hard-lined stance.........maybe, just maybe, your DW will pull her head out of her butt.
I broke up with my FDH a couple of years back, gave him specifics about what I/we need in our relationship to work and continue, and then left with a broken heart, thinking it was truly over cuz people never change, right? Well, he stepped UP and did what he needed to do, not just for US but for him and skids, too. People can change, if they really want to.
Stay the course, my friend, and we STalkers are here to support you. I don't think your wife is a bad person, she just can't see the forest for the trees that are her loser daughters.
Thanks Dark, looks like for
Thanks Dark, looks like for now I have things back under control, now I know this works maybe next time I can more strategic with my strike !
Just wow
I had to take some Tylenol, I wanted to blow my cool too. Yes she did all of this behind your back. Knowing that y'all discussed meeting at a neutral place. Then plays the doe caught in the headlights game. Please take some time to get your head right. Only you can decide what more you can tolerate. Plays Grateful Dead, Touch of Grey.
Hey TX, I am fairly resiliant
Hey TX, I am fairly resiliant, I have very strong shoulders and with friends like all of you I know I have plenty of back up !
So glad to hear
DW has opened her eyes. And the move will do y'all good. Puff out that strong chest and strong shoulders, you will survive!