I am also pro-choice.

Do you have time? Try looking into counselling. I know money is important. But if you think getting the abortion will make you depressed, you should think about it more. You shouldn't resent your family because of being forced into it.

People can afford more kids if they really wanted to. Sacrifices will need to be made. But at the end of the day, this is your body and your life. Do what is best for YOU. Don't think about the stepkids or your in-laws.

I wish you the best and lots of love

(((Hugs))).  If possible, please see a counselor before you do this.  From your post I can see that you have enormous regret and resentment.  It could very well consume you and ruin your relationship and your family.  It sounds to me like you need to get yourself more comfortable with this decision or back away from it.

Nobody here will judge you for whatever you decide. But I do echo the comment above me that you should analyze a bit more, if possible. My mother was 19 when she got pregnant with me and almost chose abortion; my aunt spent hours on the phone with her until she eventually talked her out of it. You never know who your child will be or what his/her life will mean to the world. 

If you need to do this, indepedent of stepkids or in-laws, that's one thing. But there's absolutely no way in hell I would ever abort my biological child because of stepkid.

This is your choice and yours alone.  That is the basis for pro-choice and I know how hard it can be.  I would give serious consideration to the amount of resentment you are feeling and will potentially feel after the procedure.  Obviously children are expensive but people always find ways and the most common regret is not having the children that someone wanted to have.  If you choose to terminate the pregnancy, please make sure that you do it because you believe is the right thing to do.  You need to be able to walk away feeling that you made the best decision - not for your DH and his kids but for you and your child.  I wish you nothing but the best in the difficult days ahead.

Sending you positive prayers, love and light and that you receive the guidance needed to do what is best for you. I know this is hard and I can absolutely relate to your post 100%. Seek some couseling before making your decision and at the end of the day know that you are making the decision that you can live with, not H, not your parents, not inlaws, or stepkids but you.

Love & Hugs!

I agree with the others, I am pro-choice as well but this does't feel like this is totally you making the choice. To me, it seems like you just want everyone to back off and this is the only way you think you can get them to. I think that if you can get counseling now - if you have a little time- it might be the best option. If you wind up resenting your husband for this, it could be the beginning of the end for you two. Just know that you have support here, whatever you choose! 

I agree with the other posters- please seek counseling before you make an irreversible decision. Please do not make the decision based on your stepkids or your crappy in-laws. Think of yourself and of your current child. Daycare is expensive but only lasts a few years. You can make sacrifices if necessary. Hugs and prayers to you.

Awww so sorry you feel you are faced with an impossible decision.  I agree that you should probably talk this through with a counselor.

That being said, have you considered the fact that his kids will ultimately age out of that support obligation?  I mean, I saw in one post that one of his daughters was 16.  That seems to me that support should ramp back to an extent in the next several years.  It just seems that if you have this extreme regret and resentment already... that perhaps you might want to logically look at some of the issues like the fact that your DH won't forever be paying CS.. and you won't always be going to school etc.. In fact, maybe that is something you would put off a little to make room for a child.  I am not trying to push you into a decsion but it seems like you, yourself are wishing that there was another option.

This is a rough one.  First, if  you want this baby, have this baby.  Force DH's hand and MOVE!!!!!  Moving will not raise DH's CS but it in all likelihood would make a huge difference in your quality of life and finances to the point that affording the new baby would no longer be an issue.  It is a big time applicant's job market right now and companies are screaming for good experienced people in nearly all industries.  Now is the time to move from a job perspective.  There are some great places to live that are clamering to fill jobs.

If DH will not move with you...  you have your answer on his quality as an equity life partner.  Lots of blended families do the long distance visitation thing.  We did it for 16+ years.  SS had 3 visitations per year with the SpermClan totaling ~7wks (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring).  Not always easy but very doable. Your Skids and your DH should handle just as well as my Skid did.

Good luck whatever you choose.

On a related note, my only BK would be ~ 34yo if my college GF had not chosen to terminate the pregnancy.  I proposed, she accepted and still terminated as was her choice. I supported her choice, though with reservations.  It is not a regular thought but I do upon rare occassion have a thought about how different my life with be if my GF and I had had a child together when I was 20yo.  No regrets though. Just an occassional thought.

Please get counselling before you go through with this. The reasons you gave for not wanting this pregnancy was entirely based on others (DH inlaws STEPS). Pro choice means its your decision. The resentment will grow immensely towards all of them if you terminate with such uncertainty. Best of luck!

I echo the above posters. Think about yourself and your child you have. Don't think about your stepkids and your in-laws. You'll have lots of regrets if you base your decision on them rather than on yourself.

And although I think seeking counseling is a good idea, I had been told by a therapist that I should not have a child with DH because taking care of SS was a full-time job and I had to think about that. As much as I trusted my therapist, I'm so happy that I have my child now. I don't want to add another layer of complexity, but I just wanted to let you know.

This made me cry.... and I fully understand where you are coming from. I posted yesterday about expenses and me working so much and sacrificing so much and it is because of enormous obligations my DH has with his ex and their kids as well.  So although it is a bit different it is really the same- I feel all of my life choices are hung around stress from the obligations he has to them and I feel like I sacrifice so much and put so much of my life on hold because of his past and it seems they never sacrifice and are always ahead. 

I don’t think it sounds like having this abortion is something you will be able to cope with emotionally yourself down the road though.  You might have to put the pressure on DH to figure a way out. 

I know that my DH desperately wants another child and I have been absolutely torn.... I only have one, really want another but have been frozen in fear because of his obligations to his “other family”. I feel like I can’t step back from my career, my daughter already suffers and I can’t see how it could work. 

But when you really think about it, would the ex ever sacrifice or would she just do it and let him figure it out?! I think sometimes some stepmoms are all too accommodating and we are then the ones who end up with crushed dreams, difficult lives and regrets. We are always tip toeing around trying to make everyone happy and we are the ones who end up unhappy in the process.

I think you need more time to analyze. From your blog, you already are seeing your possible future child and mourning it's loss. Th eloss of a child can kill a relationship, not to mention cause you depression.

No one is going to judge you. But don't let all the outside influences decide for you. This is your choice and something you have to look at. The last thing any of us want is you becoming depressed or feeling resentment that will crush the life you have. You deserve better and to actually be able to make this choice without all the outside pressures.

Under terrible circumstances, and this is one of them.

I would recommend therapy after the abortion, if you decide to do it, or during the pregnancy if you decide not to.  You have a lot to process, and it won't be resolved before you no longer have a choice.

You know, I'm going to change my prior advice.   After thinking about you and this situation, my advice is to not have the abortion.  YOU don't want to.  YOU will regret it.  YOU will resent your husband, your in-laws, his children.  YOU will be depressed.  You're thinking of others.  You're "choosing" based upon what others think or want or expect - and I am using the word "choosing" very loosely, as it sounds like you don't think you have a choice.  Well, you do have a choice.  Make the choice that's right for YOU.  Sure, it will be hard, but from what you've written, the alternative will be much harder.

are working full time and also in school? Will school lead you to a better paying job in the future? Is there a possibility that while you may have financial strain right now, in the next couple of years they might ease up because of a completion of your school and a new job? I agree with the others about talking to a counselor and getting some outside perspective as this decision isn't one that can be undone once you have made it and things do change month to month throughout our lives. Could your dh get a second job to relieve some of the financial burden? I can't believe your inlaws questioned your birth control i think that would of made me flip out.  Regardless of the choice you decide, make sure you are being good to yourself and take some time to realize that you deserve to not be exhausted and stressed all the time. 

with above posters.  I take it the BM also lives in NY?  If so, BM-centric rules apply no matter what.  But if you move out of NY,  (anywhere but the coasts) cost of living generally comes down.   I'm was once thinking of putting my DD up for adoption when it was clear I would be a divorced mom but I'm glad I didn't.

I am staunchly pro-choice and all I can say is that youi should only ever have an abortion if you are 100% convinced that this is what YOU want. Consider this for as long as it takes to know what YOU want.

((((HUGS))))

and she wasn't planned.  to say her father was nasty to me was an understatement.  He left me when I told him I was pregnant with her.  And then would come over and get on his hands and knees and beg.  Literally beg and cry and plead for me to get an abortion.  More than once.  More than twice.  He would text.  He said horrible things.  That he didn't want it.  That he was too old.  That I was too old.  That we couldn't afford it.  That he was done being a father and raising babies.  I said I would raise my baby alone then.  I'd pay for everything alone then.  Then he showed up one day (because we work at the same company, 800 or more employees) because word had gotten out that I was pregnant and we'd been together, living together gosh six years or more at that point, and that he had left me when I told him I was pregnant (all true) and now he would never be promoted and I had ruined his career too.  I had ruined his life. 

Then he would come around and move back in.  And I would text him from a doctor appointment and he'd text back something nasty about not wanting the baby.  He was ugly when we found out it was a girl.  I don't think there was ever a man in the history of pregnanies who was uglier than him to me. 

I cried every night.  I sobbed and I sobbed and I would goggle on my cell phone how to raise a little girl all by myself.   I made weird sacrifies and plans on how I would accomplish paying for this child.  Cause your right.  It's expensive.  I've literally got one year left of daycare.  The count down is on.  She just turned 4.

But I tell you all this because.. and I'm not trying to change your mind.  I'm not.  But, today she is his entire world.  He loves her more than anything.  more than anyone.  More than the stepkids.  More than himself.  He apologizes almost weekly and says thank you for not doing what I begged you to do.  

She is also loved most fiercely by me and by three kids and by his whole family and my whole family and she just seems to fit so perfectly into our world.  really like she was meant to be here.  I think if you really, really want your child well then screw your husband and screw the steps.    

I'm pro-life, but I don't think that really matters here. Whether you're pro-choice or pro-life, I don't think you should abort personally and no, I'm not saying that because I'm pro-life.

This shouldn't be something that you have to "sacrifice". YOUR husband has two children, not you - you have one and you just said you always wanted two. Don't change what you want due to someone elses decisions, drama, or life.

I'm certain you'll regret this AND it would be so hard not to resent your husband/step kids after making a decision like this. I hope you reconsider <3 You're strong enough, many women do all this 100% on their own. You got this.

STOP bending over backwards. These are not your children, separate yourself and your family. Enough is enough.

Your marriage comes first, then your children, and then maybe his - but they are not your concern!

You don't really want to abort. Please don't. That regret will haunt you. You won't be able to forgive your self or the people that made you feel you had no choice. You DO have a choice. 

And all of the above. As a person who is childless and unable to concieve, I cannot imagine the agony you must be going through right now. We are here for you and you will do the right thing, when it comes time.

Much love.

Omg!! I am so sorry!!! 

I thought I was having a bad time!! Now I read this and my heart breaks for you xoxo

I don't have advice- but I do understand how these blended families can steal your dreams and just make a person feel so alone 

And you matter!

I’ve known many women who have had abortions. The ones who don’t regret it made the decision for themselves...no one was pressuring them. The two who regret it did it because someone else didn’t want the kid. They made the decision “unselfishly” and ended up regretting it to this day.

Even though you’re venting... In your case, please do what is right for YOU. No one else matters. And you’re strong enough to handle whatever life throws at you. 

dont give up a much wanted baby for them as well. Stepkids just aren’t worth that kind of sacrifice. 

I see in past posts that you've paid a lot of extras for HIS kids. Birthday venues, Christmas, etc. 

How much could you put toward your baby if you stopped all that? Like...really, immediately. Not one more cent to them? Separate finances if you have to / haven't already to ensure that none of your money goes to his kids anymore. 

Wouild you feel better about being able to afford the baby then? 

I'm with others. Don't do something that you're already feeling resentful about...something you know you're going to regret...for people (skids) who don't care about you at all. Skids will age out of CS fairly soon, daycare isn't forever. Have the baby if that's what you want to do...and maybe make your DH figure it out for once. 

I'm also totally pro-choice (terminated once myself at 21/22 years old for financial reasons) but want to also encourage you to think twice if you feel you may have regrets. I can say honestly that i had no regrets/guilt, whatsoever, and only wish that for everyone that makes that decision. My only concern here is you. Just make sure the choice is right for you. I thought i was with the love of my life and that I'd be forever heart broken, but i rwally wasn't and didn't regret it, so you'll most likely be ok with your decision, as ling as you're true to yourself. I did not end up with my then-fiance, tho. Good luck

Forget about those other people and their big mouths. This is about you.

I'm a practical person, so I'm wondering why...why would you have a child with someone who says he doesn't care if you have his child or not? Wow. He doesn't care about much, does he?

(Or maybe he does care, but he's using his nonchalance to push you to make the decision he wants you to make.)

That is what I focus on when I read your post -- not the other people, not the skids -- but this less-than-ideal relationship that now might have another human attached to it.

The relationship is the problem, not the pregnancy.

You say you want more kids, but you're not setting up your future for more kids because you're with a man who already has kids, doesn't want more kids and can't afford more kids.

The first thing you should do is tend to your relationship. If your dream is to have more kids, why are you with someone who doesn't share that dream? Don't have a kid with a guy who doesn't want the kid! Give your child the best chance at life by mating with someone who really wants the child, can afford a child and will be present for its life.

You're in school, you're working, you're financially strapped and you're thinking of having a kid alone because the father doesn't want the child -- not because he's unable to parent. Think about that. That's pretty impractical.

Why not do things in the opposite order? Get into a healthy relationship with someone who shares your goals, then get pregnant. That way you can both be happy about a baby and you can enjoy the experience. Imagine how compromised the exciting experience of having a baby will be with a guy who doesn't want the baby?

If you aren't committed to this guy, back it up and start over. Find a better father for your future child.

Ditch this guy, find a guy who dreams of being a parent, get pregnant and have a great life. Trying to fit a child into the life of a parent who doesn't want another child seems unnecessarily difficult, messy and sort of shitty for the kid.

Now, more than ever, we have power over procreation. We can give kids the advantage of good breeding with a solid father and mother who both reallly want the kid. There's no reason to have a child under difficult or less than ideal circumstances, so why not give a child the best footing possible from the start by waiting until you have an ideal father?

I guess what I'm saying is...you can have kids with any man, you can have kids without a man, hell, you can even marry another woman and STILL have kids in this incredible world, so with all these options, why not choose a better circumstance for your kid from the start?

Having a baby shouldn't be like finding a puppy and deciding to keep it on a whim. You want your kid to have all the advantages, but that means you have to do it right long before you're pregnant by finding a good man, developing a good relationship with him and then planning and procreating.

This is strictly my opinion, of course. You have a huge decision and I wouldn't blame you either way you handle it. But before you go too far in deciding, maybe look at the relationship and decide if that the framework into which you want your next child to be born. Good luck -- make your decision and commit to it and it will the right decision.

HUGS dear

Hugs <3 

Hi trymybest. We are all here for you no matter what decision you made. I'm so very sorry you are going through all of this. *sorry2*

Please don’t make any sacrifices for anyone! Think about yourself! Do what you want. Your hubby slept with you knowing that sex leads to pregnancy so he should not be relieved that your looking at an abortion. Yes he can afford another child. This child you may be having has every right to be financially and emotionally supported as his “other” children. 

I am pro choice. I am all for having a termination if you want however I also believe that you should not do this just to make everyone else happy. We sacrifice enough in our roles as step parents.