BM keeps trying to set universal rules but that is not going to happen
I have lived with my fiance for 2 years. We are planning a spring wedding. I have a 16 ye old daughter from a previous relationship who lives with us full time. He has a 16 yr old daugher also as well as a 12 yr old son. His kids are with us every other week.
There really isn't much consistency between bm's home and ours. Which I realize isn't the greatest thing but we are very different people with a totally different lifestyle. BM is a very strict, very religious and very conservative woman. Her household is pretty rigid as far as structure. She has a lot of rules we completely disagree with but the reality is it is her and her husband's home. They can run it however they choose. But they don't get to tell us we have to adopt the same rules. In their home, SD is not allowed to wear makeup or any clothes that BM considers immodest. Now, SD is a good kid. Gets good grades. Great personality . None of the clothes she chooses are particularly revealing. Just normal teenage trendy clothes. So SD has a whole different wardrobe at our home vs. at her Mom's. During our time, we allow her to wear whatever makeup she wants to. It's her face. At our house, SD has a car and the freedom to use it to go out with her boyfriend and her friends until a reasonable hour once her homework is done. BM will not even allow her to have her car over there because she feels 16 is too young to drive and that it gives her too much freedom. She also is not allowed to see her friends outside of school at all during the week. There's a lit more but this basically explains it.
So, now BM is trying to "make" us set the same rules in our home that she has in hers. She claims my daughter is a bad influence on SD and doesn't want them spending time together beyond what is necessary. She wants my fiance to take SD's car and she wants final approval on any clothes we buy for SD. She also wants me to start sleeping in another room from my fiance when her kids are here because she feels seeing us sleeping in the same bed without being married sets a bad example and she doesn't want that normalized. She also wants my fiance to make her break up with her boyfriend.
I realize we can't control a thing in BMs home but she can't control a thing in our house either. She is making a big deal of this now because SD has been spending as much time over here as she possibly can and doesn't like going to her Mom's at all. Recently, SD has mentioned just wanting to live here full time and visit her Mom a few times a week. She wants to get involved in the dance team at school and as long as she lives half the time at BM's she can't because BM won't allow her to participate on her time because she doesn't like the costumes , the type of dance moves or the music they use and she feels SD's time is better spent at home. Therefore, she would miss half the practices and a good portion of the competitions and shows. Try outs for this years dance team are coming up, thankfully during our time. My fiance told her to go ahead and try out and he will deal with her mother and if her mother won't be reasonable, we can just move her over here full time. BM will be angry but at 16, the courts are not going to force 50-50 on her.
Sorry so long. I started ranting and got carried away lol.
Ha! Classic! What world is
Ha! Classic! What world is this BM living in?
I do think that skids shouldn't be allowed to just pick and choose whose house they want to go to, when. That just seems to cause issues and they just work the arrangement to get the best of both worlds. I think a schedule should be set and followed. Just my opinion, I've seen on here where the going back and forth so much causes more issues and drama.
Anyway, So when are you moving into the basement?
As long as she stays on her side of town I'm good. lol
I can see your point we just tend to have a more relaxed take on things. I can't stand things that are rigid and structured and set in stone. What works one week may not work at all the next
Gosh, would she let her ex
Gosh, would she let her ex set the rules in her house?? Thank God you have reasonable rules in your house and your SD has a reasonable chance at launching without going wild with forbidden fruits.
Of course not
In her home God and her husband are the supreme beings lol. And I'm like 90% sure her recent religiosity comes from him. She was a normal person before they got married. Well...ok. Not normal. But her brand of crazy was much easier to deal with before he came along.
EWWWWWW - our BM was upset
EWWWWWW - our BM was upset because the kids were having 'too much fun' with us, she tried to put a stop to that, too. Funny thing is, while we're fairly unstructured and live-and-let-live, we have meal times altogether, we have homework, we have some chores (ok, probably not enough) and we also have down time. I have changed some of my rules in blending this family. Some of them for the stricter. But that is between me and my SO only and BM can stuff it. I am not going to apologise for me or my son being alive.
I can definitely see that from her perspective (or perhaps her new husband's) you and your daughter ARE bad influences. I say rock on bad influence mama and bad influence DD. It would be one thing if your 'lifestyle' led to bad grades and general bad attitude, but in her newfound "Church Lady" lifestyle she's going to be worried about her daughter's immortal soul and that's not something you can find rational ground on. She is driving her daughter away, let her.
Oh she really is driving her away
Big time. At our house, it isn't a totall free for all or anything. We are just pretty relaxed and laid back. The kids have never given any sort of reason to institute a bunch of rules. In fact, they are pretty simple. Respect us and each other, pick up your own masses, tell us where you are going and who with and we will discuss when you need to come home. Pretty basic stuff and it is all the structure we need to keep our house running smoothly.
I am surprised BM didn't see SD pulling away from her coming. What 16 yr old girl wants to dress like a Duggar and never go out with friends or have boyfriends?
I agree. Ignore her. Don’t
I agree. Ignore her. Don’t answer her calls. Block her.
Your home your rules, bm's
Your home your rules, bm's home bm's rules. She cant tell you how to run your home anymore than I can tell you how. BUT---she does have input in some areas. BUT even then, it is not the end of siding factor.
Religion has nothing to do with a parents decision to not toss the keys to teens or restriction of boyfriend/girlfriends dynamics.
Not allowed at our house either. My kids and Our kids 'together" (NOT SKIDS) are great kids, smart, mostly responsible for what they need to do, decent, mannerly(mostly with a PARENT LOOK when needed) , respectful kids (mostly with that parent glare if needed) they are kids and they are going to mess up. But we will not waver on things that we can do to prevent a total disaster. We wouldn't care if they were A+ students and the sweetest kids on earth. Kids this ages brains are not ready for such critical thinking for 2 huge responsibilities.
Last thing I want/WE want is teen pregnancy and kids hopping in a car with other teens OR driving.
NO THANKS...everyone has boundaries inside their home those are ours. For us, those are two big ones. Oh and no cell phones until they have a part time job to pay for it ...and even then it really depends.
Keep your fingers cross your skids don't get in an accident...yikes.
best wishes.
I suppose I see things very
I suppose I see things very differently. I don't see 16 yr olds as children but rather young adults and I see driving, dating, having the freedom to have a social life (within certain limits) as a huge right of passage that should take place right around this age. I remember when I was in high school I would have been horrified and humiliated not to be allowed to date or drive a car. So, until they give us a good reason to take those freedoms away, they will have them. Of course both the girls work and pay their own insurance and car maintenance as we feel that is a very big responsibility they must learn to handle if they want those kinds of freedoms
PS welcome to step talk...I
PS welcome to step talk...I see you just signed up a few hours ago.
Hope you stick around for while.
Thank you
Thanks. I found it looking up stepparent sites
I'm sorry but this made me
I'm sorry but this made me chuckle at the part where she claims your daugther is a "bad" influence....does the child not have any other social interaction? Good grief. Tell BM two words: Parallel Parenting! And if you want to be petty your DH can tell her that if he wanted to live by her rules he would have stayed with her, but he is free and exercising his right to do whatever he wants with his own life and that includes but is not limited to how he raises their child at his home which as long as it doesn't fall under neglect or abuse IT IS A-OKAY and she will survive.
Honestly though if the girl is old enough to wear make up, she is old enough to understand the concept that she lives in two different households with two different sets of rules (Hell even my 7 year old skid bounces back and forth like a champ!) and BM needs to accept that their child is being a normal ass teenager and is choosing to be where she can get away with the most (not saying y'all are letting her misbehave, but express herself more freely) so she needs to stop being such a control freak. Her children are not extension of her but their own selves and they have the same right to practice-or not practice-what they choose.
Sticky situation! I have
Sticky situation! I have rules for my kids that are rules they follow no matter where they are or who they're with. Not all of my rules follow them around, but certain ones do. I adopted my SD15 a few years ago. DH had full custody prior to that from the time she was 6. Bm has been in and out and still has a relationship with her today. Sd struggles with acne, so she isn't allowed to wear makeup on her face like foundation, powder, blush, that sort of thing. That rule applies wherever she goes . She wasn't allowed to start wearing any makeup period until a certain age. That rule also applied everywhere .BM didn't like it, but tough luck.
My boys have to wear seatbelts even in the back seat no matter whose car they ride in our if the drivers requires it or not. They have to! Period.
Things like that, that are for their safety/health are the big ones that I expect to be followed no matter what. You can call them universal rules, but the other parent doesn't have to enforce them. My kids know what's expected of them and also know there are consequences for deviating from that.
My ss18's BM tried when he was younger to make him take out the trash and do dishes at our house regardless of if we wanted him to or not. That didn't fly. She didn't want him watching rated R movies. That we followed. That could've lead to nightmares or whatever that would have bore over into her household too.
See, it's tricky. You guys just need to decide what's important as far as rules go and put your expectations out there and make sure sd is clear on everything.