Engage or not to engage???
I have a SD that is 23 yrs old. She is entitled and spoiled. She has been welcomed into our home for every occasion and has lived with us 3X now due to her financial woes. She thinks that it's her daddy's responsibilty to take care of her and to make her life easier...and he has given into her wishes on many occasion and he has told me that he won't give into her on others. Most recently, we have decided to take a stand and not to enable her selfish attitude.....or at least I thought that was the agreement. This is just an example of one small item that is going on at the moment....this is most certainly not the first time and I'm sure not the last. The SD lived with us recently for four months over the summer so she could get caught up on her financial situation. She left without a word of goodbye or thank you as she walked out the door of our home. Recently, she has a stack of mail come to our home. Her dad told her that she had mail at the house and she told him to bring it to her. Now..she works PT and five minutes from our home. Daddy works 30 minutes from her home and lives on the other end of town...now....please tell me if I'm out of line in thinking that she should be the one to come to us and pick up HER mail. Dad works 60+ hours a week...she works 16.
Dad told me he was going to run it over to her...and I asked "Why isn't she picking it up herself?" At that point....he agreed that it would be good for her to come to us and she has far more time...and ultimately...her responsibility. All this time, my hubby has been telling me that he is on my team on this even tho the SD is pushing for him to bring the mail to her. I just found out today that the two of them have been talking back and forth about how he doesn't want to make me mad by bringin her the mail so she just needs to come over and deal with it.... SD came back with an argument that whe wanted her Shakeology drink because she was out and needed it and that daddy should "JUST BRING ME MY STUFF". Sooo..dada agrees to bring her some on the down low...and to "mums the word" to me.
OK..sorry..long story...hope I didn't lose you in the jumble...I'm furious that he's been telling me one thing and telling her something completely different and throwing me under the bus in the meantime. NO wonder we don't get along withthe SD...ugh...help!
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Honestly, there's not much
Honestly, there's not much you can do about it. If he won't make her act like a responsible adult, you can't MAKE him make her. Yes, it's irritating. Yes, she is selfish and entitled. And, yes, you are right about what he should/shouldn't do.
On top of that he threw you under the bus by telling her that YOU don't want him to take the mail to her. He made YOU the bad guy. That, to me, is a much more important issue.
I HATE it when my DH chases after his adult children. I am grateful that they don't live near us.
I agree with you what the
I agree with you what the real issue is! It's not really about her taking responsibility...(well it is and it isn't) but the fact that he threw me under the bus makes me angry...especially after all I've done for him and his dysfunctional kids. Well...I guess I need to figure out how to deal with this then... I wish my skids didn't live near us....
Thanks for your input! the struggle is real!
Two things are probably going
Two things are probably going on here.
1. She knows you don't like her.. so she doesn't want to come to the house.
2. Your DH is throwing you under the bus.. blaming you for making him be mean with his little girl.... which is again reinforcing number one.
First off let me start by
First off let me start by saying that it is SOOO nice to talk to others that actually "Get it"!. Sometimes when I try and talk this through wiht my spouse..he acts like i'm some sort of alien. ugh.
I agree with you...although...it's not that I don't "like" her it's that I would like to see her grow up & take responsiblity for her life. Maybe in her eyes..because she is all about her...it is the same thing. But...you are spot on. I hate that my efforts to help, engage etc are being undermined at every turn. Feels like at this rate, the relationship will never get better.
I'm sure she doesn't want to
I'm sure she doesn't want to be faced with the fact that she knows you don't approve of her slackitude....She is avoiding feeling uncomfortable and figures dad will save her.. and he does.
But... on the other side of the coin.. there are so many ways that our SO's can undermine us with the kids and actually make us the bad guy. Even my sainted husband who I will say is a nice guy... would sometimes throw me under the bus. Not really all that intentionally but it subtly would happen.
Scenario: SD: Daddy, Can I have a sleepover?
Daddy: Gosh... Maybe, let me talk to ESMOD
Daddy to Esmod: SD wants a sleepover Friday
Esmod: I don't think that's a great idea.. she has her practice the next day and we are supposed to go shopping that night.
Now.. daddy tells SD "no" to the sleepover but the undercurrent is that he would have been ok with it it is ESMOD who put the brakes on it.
Scenario... kid has water bottles all over her room like M Knight Shamilan (spelling??). ESMOD has already asked her to gather them for the trash but kid hasn't yet. So dad says.. "you need to get those bottles like ESMOD told you"... So... in other words "daddy" would have not made her do it.. but ESMOD will get mad.. let's not get her mad.
He really didn't mean to throw me under the bus but in his slightly avoiding way of dealing with things.. blame was deflected to me.. and when you are a step parent you don't need ANY help with the kids resenting you..lol.
Now... I have a great relationship with younger SD... older is ok.. but more distant.. but also more distant with her dad.. so it's her personality. But even in great relationships, those subtle undermining words can make it hard. I finally told him that while I appreciated that he was making a point of telling me that he needed my opinion.. he needed to figure out how to do it without making it seem like I was always the bad guy.. I mean.. .come on.. you KNOW I don't want the kids over Friday after I just worked a long week. He wanted to soft pedal the "no" but it made it seem like I was the real reason.. when in fact HE didn't want it either.
Indeed....my SD is 23 and my
Indeed....my SD is 23 and my SS is 28. For some reason...my DH...which is a great guy I will say and I do love him dearly, just CAN'T be the heavy. There is always some big long explanation as to why the SD should do something as simple as pick up her mail but the DH has to make a big deal...and that it is all because of me. Not really sure what to do as this senerio has happend on multiple occasions. Do I just let him deal with his kids even tho it affects or relationship or do I try and address this issue again with the DH? We've had this conversation multiple times about his kids and his enabling and he can agree and tell me that "yep...I'll do it better" and then falls right back into the same ole routine of the dishonesty. That's the part I can't handle.
The enabling is soooo the
The enabling is soooo the least of your concerns. He LIED to you, made deals behind your back that went directly against what you agreed upon, and then threw you under the bus. THOSE are the issues I would place as high priority. My conversation would go along the lines of, "If you respected me, you would never have treated me in such a horrible fashion. You say you love me, but you lie to me, go behind my back and throw me under the bus. If that's love, I am sure glad you don't hate me. I wouldn't survive."
The sad part is...I've had
The sad part is...I've had that exact conversation and said those exact words to him previously. I've even told him that even if he doesn't see it the same way I do and we disagree that he needs to to whatever he intends to do and at least...be HONEST with me on that decision. At that point, I can deal with whatever choice he makes but the lies are killing me. I'm at the point of asking myself...I've done this over and over and had these conversations with him over and over and NOW what?
"I'll do better" translates
"I'll do better" translates to "I'm done talking about it."
HOW will he do better? What does that look like? Ask him: What specifically, darling, will you do to "do better?"
Betcha he won't have a clue. Betcha he doesn't intend to "do better" and he just wants to stop talking about. Because if we don't talk about it, it doesn't exist.
LOL...do you live in my house
LOL...do you live in my house!? YOU nailed it. I've asked him to be specific about his so called efforts and what they might look like....annnddd...he typically puts it back on me that I'm being pushy etc. He doesn't have a clue what he intends to do...either that...or he just doesn't want to commit to something he really doesn't want to do with his kids.
I would say to my husband,
I would say to my husband, "Are you freaking kidding me? You work 60 hours a week, your daughter works 16, it is HER MAIL, and she wants you to bring it to her? And you are telling her you can't because I would get upset? And then you tell her you will, but mums the word? You are a real piece of sh*t."
I would not stay married to someone who LIED to me and used to me as an excuse with his kid. Steplife is hard enough without daddy making you out to be the wicked step mom!
Tell him to stop being the FREAKING Fairy Godfather and you'll stop being the wicked stepmother. Men can be so stupid.
LOL....so true. You made me
LOL....so true. You made me laugh...which is a good thing! Thanks! Yep...men can be a real struggle!
I have dealt with this for many years.
I sometimes use to think that our front door was a revolving door for SD38. If you read some of my blogs you will see that I finally grew a spine and I have no filter when it comes to my SD. I love my DH, but I am older and will not be disrespected by her in anyway, shape or form. If DH doesn't like it, the door is his option.
Here's the solution to the mail BS, tell you DH that SD has 1 week to put a change of address in with the postal service, after that all mail addressed to her will be sent back to the post office with "No such person at this address" written on the envelope. If God forbid, she ever has to move back in with you again, demand that she has a post office box and none of her mail can come to the house. Believe me, this will work, yes, you will piss SD off, so what, it's time for her to grow up. If your DH is not going to force the issue, someone should.
The second option is to tell your DH that SD needs to get a PO Box for her mail within the next two weeks. Don't tell him that you are going to send her mail back to the post office with "No such person at this address", just do it. I know this works, because I have been doing this for the last 2 months, her mail has slowly stopped coming to our house.
I have no problem doing any
I have no problem doing any of that...I think the bigger issue for me is that my DH told me one thing and turned around and told his daugher that he wasn't bringing her mail because I would be mad...and he promised me...then proceeded to cut a deal with his daugher so she wouldn't be pissed at him. The mail is no biggy for me frankly. I have no problem taking action to deal wtih any of that but I am struggling to figure how best to handle a dishonest hubby. Again, this is certainly not the first time this same type of situation has occured...which is why I'm struggling so bad. Does it end...do I disengage with my SD & SS and if I do that...how do I do it and how do I find respect for my DH?
I don't think it ever ends.
I love my DH, but I don't trust him, too many years of the same thing that you are going through with your DH. I lost so much respect for my DH over the years, watching him being sucked into SD38 lies and manipulating games. For the last 6 months, everything has been great, the man I married is back and SD38 has been put in her place, but I still can't bring myself to trust DH 100%. Every time SD38 calls DH, he will get up and leave the room, and the very first thing I think is what BS lie are you going to be told and what are you doing because of his self-entitled brat, and will he lie to me for her stupid games that she plays.
In the back of my mind, I always think, if you will lie to me about some stupid thing that SD38 wants, what else will you lie to be about. I will say that my DH is trying very hard, after the Big blowout with SD38 last year, I told DH if I ever catch him lying to me that would be the final straw. We would end this marriage and he could live the rest of his life with his leach of a daughter
To answer your question, does it end.. I don't know, I don't know if the trust will ever comeback 100%, I don't know if DH flip back to being a Disney Dad, that is going to lie to me, just to appease SD38. I do know that I know that I can survive and financially stand on my own 2 feet without him. After so many years of marriage it would be hard, but you can only take so much, before you decide enough is enough.
Sorry if this doesn't make any sense, I am fighting a migraine and can barely see right now.
Actually....you made perfect
Actually....you made perfect sense. Sounds like you live at my house. I'm so sorry you deal with the lies....I do as well and can COMPLETELY relate to everything you're saying. I don't know what to do right now...I'm not one to just throw in the towel and call it quits however, I keep asking myself...what kind of relationship is this really? A man (that I do love) that can't understand the importance of honesty and trust. The struggle is trying to give them the benenfit of the doubt as they work thru this and try...but never really knowing if the info you're receiving is even true. Without proof....who knows?
Thanks for sharing your story...helps to know I'm not the only one dealing with this kind of issue. Hang in there and I hope that your man continues to fight for your marriage. Feel better....I hate migraines!
Make labels
"Return to Sender-not at this address" Stick all over her mail and take it to the locla USPS mail box and dump them there.
Go home and tell DH you "have arranged for her mail to be delivered to her new address and by the way, I do not like being made out to be the bad guy because your adult daughter who is quite capable of remembering to take birth control cannot find her way over here to pick up her mail after he father has been working 60 hrs a week. I know you love your daughter. But she is an adult. She has sex, she drinks, she can drive. Awesome! Kids are supposed to take charge of their own lives and not have their father running around after them. You will always love her and worry about her. But remember who will be taking you to Drs appointments when we retire. Love you!"
Rinse and repeat.
Yep....but hopefully one of
Yep....but hopefully one of my four very responsible children will be taking me to Dr.s appts when I'm old ...LOL
My DH acted like this until
My DH acted like this until he became more afraid of losing me than his precious middle aged daughter. He walked the fence for years trying to make us both happy. His DD dangled carrots in front of him to get him to jump, and he did. I got thrown under the bus so he wouldn't be the bad guy.
He was afraid of his DD cutting him out of her life if he didn't do what she wanted. In the end, that's exactly what she did. These guys know what their daughters are made of and what will happen if they are not treated like the Special Snowflakes they think they are.
You have two choices: 1. tell him you are done with the situation or you are ending the marriage, 2. completely disengage and learn to ignore DH chasing his adult daughter, while trying to maintain a speck of respect for him allowing his daughter to carry his balls in her purse. If you can figure out how to do #2, let us know!
WOW...you read my mind!
WOW...you read my mind! Those are the choices I'm struggling with. Everyone talks about disengaging but I keep asking myself....how do people to that and have an ounce of respect for this man they are married to? I keep thinking there is something wrong with me in this picture but I'm pretty sure thats the manipulation tactic working.
Well...if I figure it out...I'll be sure and let you know
I hate that my efforts to
I hate that my efforts to help, engage etc are being undermined at every turn.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I see this a little differently than the rest. It does not really sound like you are trying to help. It sounds like you are trying to control your DH and the way he treatz his DD. And I say that with no malice. I am a giant control freak. And it took me a while to understand what I am about to tell you. And it made a giant difference in my relationship with DH. (back then BF)
Just stop. He does not want your “help” with HIS daughter. While he was a giant ass for lying to you …I can see why he did it. He does not agree with the way you want him to treat HIS kid so he is trying to balance it all between your opinion and his. I would assume he knows you would give him a terrible time if he just told you he was going to take her, her mail, no matter what you think.
IMHO…you should have never even involved yourself in this situation. When he said he was taking her the mail, you should have just said ok have fun. Don’t even talk to him about SD’s issues about her attitude. He does not agree with you, he is just trying to appease you. Disengage asap. The way she turns out is not your problem.
Thanks for sharing this. I
Thanks for sharing this. I actually understand exactly what you're saying. You're right...he doesn't want my input & your right...he knows I'd be upset if he did things his way...so he lies. He wants to just keep dealing with his kids just like he always has which has made them into complete entitled, drug addicted, ungrateful brats. As far as saying I don't really want to help but want to control....I'm not entirely sure I completly agree with you. Hear me out. My husband is an enabler and it has affected our family dynamics tremendously. Soooo....do I just step back and watch him continue to enable these kids and assume that everything is going to be just fine....when it is very dysfunctional?
My issue is....how do I truly disengage asap and still respect any of this? The comment about how "she turns out" is not my problem...well....yes and no. Do I really want this in my life for the next 40 years or is this just my lot in life by choosing to marry into this disaster?
I truly do appreciate your input...it will definately make me think about some things. I don't want to just be right or to control the situation...but I don't really want this garbage in my life for the next 40 years. If someone had told me that being a step parent was like this...I don't know if I ever would have married....yet here I am and I need to make this work. I'll take your thoughts to heart and see if I can find a way to navigate this life...thank you.