Then you have to break up with him.  Have to remember that BM can died and you can have them 24/7/365.  Or BM can take off with new BF.  Or BM can be arrested There are so many ways you can have kids 24/7  or BF goes for 59/50.   If you can’t do it, You can’t do it. Not many can That why there so many people on these boards. They all thought at one time that they could do it and wound up here. 

I am in a similar situation, I love my partner, we are perfect for each other, except the SS thing. It's a bloody hard decision to make and I wish you all the best, just remember you get one shot at life, make sure it's the one you want to live.

Love is not enough to sustain a marriage or long-term relationship. Being married requires a level of trust that each of you has the others best intentions at heart, and those best intentions cannot be met unless BOTH parties are compatible enough to be able to comprimise and meet in the middle.

There are a wide range of dealbreakers both big and small that are still dealbreakers. Most of us agree on or know the common big ones - abuse, astronomical amounts of debt, active drug use, cheating. The smaller ones are more in tune with our personalities, and they vary person to person.

Example: A person never wants to buy a house because they want to get a new job every 2-4 years and move around the country. Their partner wants to plant roots in one place and build a home their grandkids can inherit. Love won't save that relationship, because one person will feel caged in while the other would never feel grounded. There is little room to compromise on that big of a difference.

Whether or not someone wants kids is a BIG dealbreaker. However, there are a ton of tiny dealbreakers within that topic alone. Different discipline styles can ruin a marriage. Disagreement on number of kids. Disagreement on where those kids will come from (i.e. pregnancy or adoption). Disagreement on religious beliefs and how kids will be raised. ALL of those can, have been, and will continue to be deal breakers for many people.

You frame this as a you issue. If you had agreed to wanting kids and then decided right before marriage that you didn't, wouldn't you tell him that's why? Tell him you that you don't feel that you can give him what he wants and needs out of life despite loving him?

You'll do the same here. You thought you could be a SM and build a family together, but as you approach getting married, you can't find happiness in coming into a pre-built family. You love him, and you may even love his children. But for YOU, this feels deeply wrong, you would lead him to believe otherwise that your marriage would make you happy, and eventually you'd fear it would crumble due to that.

If You don't feel strong enough to say that, write it out. Pack a few bags while he is at work, get an apartment on your own or live with a roommate, and leave him the letter. Have it written in your handwriting stating you won't be talking to him for a few days so he doesn't totally freak out. Block him number for the time being. And treat yourself kindly.

There is no easy, painless way to end a relationship. You will both get hurt. However, ending it now will prevent YEARS of unhappiness and pain, all which makes it more difficult to leave and recover from. There is a lot of merit to ripping off a bandaid quickly versus slowly pealing it off, and that is what this breakup would be.

Love isn't enough. Love starts a relationship. Love can even sustain it while things are new and exciting and our endorphins reinforce the love feeling we have. However, once the shine of newness, and the excitement of marriage wears off, the work begins. The work isn't always pretty. The work can drain your soul. If your soul is already at half-empty because you have committed to something that drained you from the start, you'll never feel fulfilled.

Love isn't enough. You aren't wrong for your reasons for wanting to end this. You can find what you want with someone else.

  I did not want to be a SM either.  So I didn’t.  Not for a long time anyway.  I met DH when SS was 7-8ish.  Fell totally in love with DH.  BUUUUT…would not live with him or marry for years.  We lived separately for 8ish years before we married. 

 It worked for us and it can work for other people too.  But I am confused by your statement.  “Would you just marry the person that truly loves you“.  You did not say “the person that YOU truly love.” 

 I say if you REALLY love the man…live apart until the skids are much older.  If you don’t, then gently tell him it is not working and let him find someone else. 

Have you thought of going to a couples counselor to see if you can iron things out before marriage? Like household rules, how you will be expected to be treated within the house, expectations on discipline.  I hate to see you go if  you love him that much but this might give you both a better understanding of each other. It would also help you to voice the sources of your stress about it. Being a step parent is probably one of the hardest things i have ever done. I personally feel like my dh put me into a position of failure. I think his expectation was that I would take over the crazy bm's role and that was extremely unfair to me and of course failed. What stepkids want their step  mom telling them what to do every day? Plus I had one that hated me from the beginning so it was doomed either way. 

I can relate and appreciate amiburnt's wisdom in the previous comment. I just have SS18 and he's always loved me, but the deadly combo of NPD BM and Guilty Daddee got DH to Right Now, where he is supposed to kick SS18 out but feels too guilty. So its taken out on me. Regardless of SS, who is not a little 13 year old anymore but a legal adult MAN. I am not worried about SS at his BM's as he'll hardly ever be there (just like he's hardly ever at our house anymore), plus if she goes psycho SS18 can leave. This makes my respect levels for DH plummet, that he's crying Baby-Victim on behalf of SS. They cut me off from having parental authority in my own home, now I'm supposed to keep things the way they are... NOT WORKING SO THAT'S NOT HAPPENING! And now, DH has apparently chosen divorce. Who knows? 

I have recently been completely rejected by my SD after she lived full time with me and my husband for the better part of 11 years.. I love my husband soo much. I genuinely believe him to be my soul mate. We never argue expect on matters about my SD. She was 6yo when she came to live with us full time. At any rate, I often ask myself why o why did I move forward with a relationship with someone with a child. It has been the hardest thing I have had to deal with outside the loss of my parents and best friend. I often times think marrying him was the worst mistake of my life. But I love him dearly and I never could have imagined our life turning out the way it has. No one told me it would be so hard. No one said that no amount of love you give this child will ever change the fact that they resent your very existence. No one told me that rejection is inevitable. No one told me that she will never love you back. No one told me that one day she will simply stop speaking to you, no matter how many times you reach out. No one told me she will make you the enemy at every chance. No one told me that one day youll have to answer the question " where is [SD]?" at family functions. No one told me that she would make up lies to muck up my name. No one explained how painful the rejection of a child you raised and brought into your own family would be the worst feeling in the whole world. So? My mistake? Not sure. Just wish I would have known before giving every ounce of love and energy into a person only to have it ripped to pieces before me. Then I too may have reconsidered siging up for such an adventure. I too may have said, " This is very hard and I'm not cut out for it." and then moved along; heartbroken for the time. No one can answer your question with any amount of certainty. I have read a few of these blogs and it pains me to say my situation is not unique. So, yeah, ask yourself if it is really worth the trouble. You do just have this one life. But also ask yourself what you would do if your fiance was maimed/paralyzed/catatonic (heaven forbid not) but really ask yourself; would you move forward? Would you take on the vows and commit yourself to this person forever no matter what. If so, then what is a bit of heartbreak and rejection. Shite happens. My one piece of advice: Do not get too close, do not think for one moment that you will be loved in return regardless of how strong your love is to his children, be careful with your heart. It is a very very hard role, stepparent, very very hard. I wish you luck. 

I don't think you should do it. I've looked at your blog and you've written a number of similar ones in the past few days. I think you are looking to someone else to provide you the answer that you already know is the right one.

I love my husband. We have been through hell and I continue to live in my own personal hell. Being a stepmother means that you are never put first, ever. It means that even though your husband said that he and his ex are amicable and she's a decent mother, it may not even be remotely true and you won't find out or you will be blind about it until you are too emotionally invested. It means that yes, you can get full custody. It means that you can grow to be fearful of a stepchild. It means that you can have a husband that worries so much about his children's affection that he can't properly parent. It means that your husband will defend his children whatever the costs even when he knows he's wrong because he knows you are level headed and rational and fair. It means you may turn to alcohol, therapists, and medications to deal with the daily crap (though I know this is on me and not anyone else's problem).

It means that he may not do these things all the time, but more than you know you should accept in your life. My husband is loving and caring. Just this week he heard a song about love at first sight and told me I was the closest he's ever experienced to that. I don't doubt it. I know he loves me fiercely and has from nearly the start. But, I don't know if it's been worth all the pain and effort. We have young children together and I stopped working - I work hard to make this life work for me. But, if someone told me all that I would've dealt with before I got involved, I would've walked away then, even knowing that I may never find a partner that loved me more than him.