Need advice
I've been with my fiance for over a year. He is a wonderful man, he's wonderful to his 3 Bio Kids. He's been good to my 2 kids as well. My BD has mental health issues and has caused a lot of problems in our house. She has lied about me, him and our home for several months and has recently told him to his face that she hates him. My fiance hates her with a passion and no longer wants her coming over. I am also struggling with dealing with her because she has lied to me and about me and has caused so much drama. I'm in a tough place because I do love my kids and I love my fiance. But how can I make it work if neither one is going to budge on their view of one another. I don't want to ruin the flow of the whole house and I do understand that her mental illness, plus being a teenager makes things incredibly difficult. I have told her that I expect her to be respectful and honest with everyone in the house. I have tried talking to my fiance about it, but he's so fed up with her I can't seem to make any headway. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
The flow of the house is already ruined
And it sounds like your fiance's hands are tied- realistically, what can he do? You mentioned you've tried talking to him about it, but it sounds like HE is the one being wronged, he has every right to be upset, and there's nothing he can do about it. You are the only one with any power to change the situation. The only way his view of her will change is if you lay down the law with her and make sure she knows her behavior will not be tolerated...and I don't mean just telling her, "oh hey, you have to tell the truth and not say mean things...I mean, actual consequences for her behavior, letting her know that under no circumstances will her behavior be tolerated. You have to be a united front with your Fiance. He needs your support. If you are being totally honest, are you really doing everything you can to curb her behavior? Are you laying down the law and having consequences? I understand she has mental issues, but that doesn't mean she gets away with it all.
And make sure you get her mental help (if you haven't already).
I agree that she is in the
I agree that she is in the wrong. There have been consequences for her actions. She has lost her privileges, we've taken her internet connection, etc... She is currently in therapy and on medication. But she is only at our house for a short time- every 1st. 3rd weekends. She chose to live with her Bio Dad because she doesn't like being parented. She has had the law laid down for her. She has zero privacy in regards to social media, email, etc...
So Biodad has her for the
So Biodad has her for the most part and isn't on board with parenting or ensuring his kid respects you? That is a nearly impossible hurdle to overcome.
How did she get the option to choose?
Is she 13/14? If you truly are coming down on her hard enough, she will probably soon choose to stop coming to your house. What are you prepared to do then?
BioDad isn't willing to co
BioDad isn't willing to co-parent and criticizes me for doing so to her and to me. She is 15. I am expecting her to decide not to come after all of this. I've talked to my attorney about this and we'll have to cross that bridge when we come to it.
Well your fiance has reasons
Well your fiance has reasons to be done with her and until your daughter has her mental health issues addressed and under control, stop expecting him to like her.
Health issues aren't an excuse to be a disrespectful liar.
I agree they're not an
I agree they're not an acceptable reason and she is under care for the mental issues.
I completely agree that my
I completely agree that my fiance has been wronged and I have defended him to her and to other people. She, in fact, tells everyone that I take his side on everything. I have stated that we make the decisions and rules of the house. I have removed privileges, I have yelled at her. I have forced her to come to join family events in the house when she has chosen to isolate herself. Nothing seems to work. She has also stated that her behavior is my fault for divorcing her dad. I have communicated all of this to her therapists, without anything changing. I have told her multiple times that she can stay at her Dad's house if she doesn't want to follow the rules. Yet, she still chooses to come.
She is punishing you for the
She is punishing you for the divorce. How long has she been in therapy? It may be time to find new professionals to work with her if there has been no improvements for so long. Has she been diagnosed?
She has been in therapy since
She has been in therapy since she was 12- I was still married at the time. She saw the therapist through the divorce. She started seeing a new therapist in March, then was sent to a psychiatrist given medication. She then spent her summer in intensive outpatient therapy after spending a week inpatient for cutting herself. She was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety. She has since been released from that program and does not currently have a therapist, but is still on medication.
Unfortunately.. at this point
Unfortunately.. at this point, I don't think you can blame him. He is at risk because of her behavior... lies and accusations can end up with real world consequences. He is right to expect you to see her outside of your home.. you could alternately move and get your own place...but with as little visitation as you have.. finding a place to go elsewhere is probably your best option.
I don't see things improving until she is able to improve mentally and make amends and not be in a position to continue to hurt others.
I should also say there is a
I should also say there is a layer of complexity as we have just finished a custody modification, which allowed her to live with BD. I had fought against it because she has no rules over there and is allowed to do whatever she wants. He treats her like she is an adult in his house.
Your responsiblity is to your
Your responsiblity is to your daughter. You have not gotten married yet. Your finacee's responsibility is to his children and protecting himself.
You and your exH need to come up with a plan that includes you in your daughters life in a way that will not effect your fiancee or his children. That may mean moving out until she can take care of herself, that may mean that your visitation is taking place away from your home.
Mental illness is very complex and while you say you laid down the law, have told her what is acceptable, etc- people with these diseases don't understand what they are doing. Talk to her therapist. You have to find a balance that will let you be happy but also that your daughter isn't abandoned.
I have actively tried to
I have actively tried to communicate with my ExH. Unfortunately, he refuses to co-parent or even communicate for that matter. I have voluntarily implemented using the family wizard. It makes it difficult in those instances.i have talked with her therapist about the behavior. A lot of times they just say well she's a teenager, they do that. When I ask about the depression they say sometimes that manifests as anger and you just have to ride it out. Some days are easier than others. My daughter says she doesn't want to be at my place because she doesn't have the freedom. At the beginning of all of this, my fiance was extremely supportive of me going to the school, therapists- doing what I needed to do to get her help. He was understanding of her and her condition. Over time she got more and more disrespectful toward me and toward my fiance.
I may have an unpopular
I may have an unpopular opinion on this...
Sometimes I think kids today become over analyzed by "professionals" with their own childhood issues who excuse their atrocious behavior, which then encourages it to continue. Now she has these justifications (diagnoses) to be an asshole and her therapist says it's OK.
Finding a therapist willing to hold a teen responsible for their behavior and work with them to change it is an extremely difficult task these days. But it's your only hope. It's time to interview a bunch of psychologists and seek one out that doesn't believe in ththis bullshit that lying about abuse is "kids being kids."
I agree with you about
I agree with you about therapists holding her accountable for her behavior. When she was in a facility, the therapist there seemed to do just that. The therapist was young, but she definitely held my daughter accountable and even called her out when she saying hateful things to me that clearly came from her BioDad (i.e. You only want me for a child support check). I know that her BioDad has emotionally manipulated her by things that have come out and for whatever reason she is very protective over him.
I'm your fiance in my story.
I'm your fiance in my story. My fiance's daughter has anxiety, depression, and adhd, an eating disorder, and social anxiety. She started seeing a therapist recently. She also knows not what she does, is extremely impulsive, and is extremely irresponsible. She made my life hell for a while until I moved out. Now she is getting better because her parents have stepped up their parenting and she is seeing a therapist. She also has more structure now that they have put her in a lot of activities to keep her busy. I also hate her with a passion and can't wait until she is out of the house.
I'm so sorry for you and your
I'm so sorry for you and your fiance. I hope your situation gets better as well.