What should I do?
hello
step mom of two boys 12 and 14. I have one son of my own who is 5. I am new to this blog so bear with me. Over the past year the 14 year old has been lying and doing basically whatever he wants my husband (his dad) yells at him but never punished him. He has done some illegal things that I have caught because kids these days post everything on social media. I have been at witts end with my husband, talked about seperation because of the lack of discipline. I have been in ther lives for 10 years and have done a lot. We have them 50/50. Tuesday night he asked his dad if he can have a fire and some friends over, my husband asked what I thought and I said : I don’t think it’s a good idea it’s a work night etc. so he had his guy friends over just two we went to bed. I told my husband he should really stay up and watch them. Didn’t happen. 150am rolls around and there are kids walking all over our house. We are downstairs kids are upstairs. My husband calls them (doesn’t go upstairs) to tell them to go to bed.. they don’t listen (the 12 year old is hanging out with them also). Come to find out two girls were there who weren’t there at 930 pm. My husband makes them go home.
Tonight my husbaf and I had plans to go out to dinner with our youngest. He texted me and asked if I wanted to go fishing with him and the 15 yo who just was having girls over. What would you all do? Considering I have been down the road of talking to my husband about punishing his kid. I am thinking he won’t do a damn thing? What should I do??
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I realized I didn’t tell you
I realized I didn’t tell you after I told my husband not to let him have friends over he let him anyways
So you talked to your husband
So you talked to your husband before and he ignored your requests? This time text him that if he wants you to go fishing with his kid he has to dole out a consequence such as taking his phone away for a week. If he refuses then you don’t go with them. Don’t reward your husband for rewarding his kid.
I don't think I could deal
I don't think I could deal with it. I would draw a line in the sand about kids coming over. It isn't happening anymore. If kids show up- show them the door again. They are not welcome.
I don't think you can demand
I don't think you can demand that your husband parent his kid in a particular way. You can hope, suggest, encourage, advise. But in the end he is the parent and you can't force him to do anything.
But what you CAN do is be clear about the effects on YOU. "DH, I was awake because of the noise the kids were making -- I'm just too tired to go fishing with you." "DH, the lack of respect your son shows you is just too much for me right now. I'm going to pass on the activity."
Make it about YOU. Because, well, it is. It would be nice if DH cared enough to parent his kids, but he's taking the lazy way out. And that affects you all sorts of ways. Be honest about that with him.
Sticky Situation
This is a sticky situation, but I believe you should never let your differences interfere with your marriage.
Find a reasonable compromise. If there's no compromise, sooner or later your husband will find out the hard way about not punishing or discipling him. I understand you have differences in raising your children, but sometimes you'll disagree. However, it's maybe a discussion you need to have and maybe even do counseling to resolve the issue.
My SKs are 3 and 5 and I get bothered when discipline isn't to my satisfaction. But also maybe you can implement some house rules. Or maybe see how his mother can be cooperative in the process between homes.
So you had plans with your
So you had plans with your husband and he is now changing them to reward a child that acted so poorly?
I would respond with, "What happened to going to dinner tonight with our son? Are you texting me to invite me fishing to let me know you are canceling our plans? I am very hurt right now that you would cancel on me to hang out with ss15."
What you should do? I would
What you should do? I would go with Evil3 suggestions and if that doesn't improve I'd try and get some therapy with H and if that doesn't work I'd leave. You may think "its so easy to say leave" but guess what I refuse to live my life being at the mercy of unruly children. Your H lacks b@lls to handle the situation and if you are not able to set limits, where does that leave you and your child? Just know that your child is seeing this behavior and you wouldn't want him to think this is acceptable.