I really don't know where else to get some of this out but I need to write it all down becasue it is crazy and I am so emotional about it all. This will be long! Grab some popcorn if you stay to read! 

My mom was adopted- like out of an orphanage when she was a baby. (this is important later)

My mom's first marriage was becasue she fell in love with my older sister. My sister was 2 and out bio dad had full custody. Her mom is a full blow schizophrenic who has been in and out of jail, group homes, and psych wards my sister's whole life. She needed a mommy. My mom is one of those mom's who is amazing at "momming". She is so wonderful, I just can't even tell you. After they got married bio dad started (or stopped hiding) that he was into some pretty heavy drugs, started dealing and started abusing. My mom was only allowed to have 2 pairs of pants and 2 shirts. Only rubber flip flops for shoes. She wasn't allowed to work and they didn't have food to put on the table. One night when I was 9 months old she walked into my room to check on me. He was in there smoking crack next to my crib. My mom lost it. Grabbed me and said she was done. She tried to take my sister too. He beat her to a bloody pulp while her body covered mine to protect me. Then he took my formula and left with the only car and her flip flops so she would be punished. 

My mom somehow made it to a neighbor, called my uncle and he saved us. My grandparents were well off and had enough connections that bio dad was served divorce papers the next day (on a sunday). He traded full custody of me to my mom to keep her from pressing charges. My mom tried to get my sister too but couldn't. I only saw him one time after that. I was 3 and he kidnapped me. It took the police 2 days to find me. I don't remember anything but the police car ride to my mom... I threw up. He went to prision for 15 years after that for drug charges. I don't know if the cops found them on him when they found me or what... He just went away. 

My mom remarried when I was 5 and my step dad adopted me at 7. I grew up in a safe, loving, wonderful home. I never knew what it was like to be hungry, or abused or anything like that. My "stepdad" is my dad. He is my kids grandfather, he is my hero. My mom and dad never told me much about my bio. They told me he loved me. They told me he was sick and drugs were bad so he had to go away. That was about it. 

I got married really young. Barely 19. Military guy swept me off of my feet and he had orders to go. So, we got married and went. I never wanted to hurt my mom or dad's feelings so I never searched my bio dad out while I was at home. When I was about 22 I decided I could do this. The internet had all kinds of search engines, surely you can find people! Well... I found 4 with the same name in the last state that I knew he lived in. So I called , left messages on answering machines and a couple of days later I got a call back. I was so happy... I didn't know what kind of evil was on the other end of that line. Bio had gone on to have 2 other kids (so up to 4 that I know of). My little brothers were so sweet. I was able to talk to them on the phone and I sent them presents and cards and pictures. I was so excited but then things started to turn. It took only a month for me to see what kind of evil he was. I found out I was pregnant and knew that I couldn't let him near my child or even let him know that they exist. I had to cut all ties. The last email my bio sent me was that he was telling my brothers that I died because I was just a dumb c*nt that they didn't need in their lives (Nice dad, huh?)

Fast forward to yesterday...My mom found her bio dad finally after 60 years. She decided to reach out to her 1/2 sister with a letter. This inspired me to try and find my brothers since I knew that they were both over 18 now. I felt it was safe to try. I found the older one. He is 22 now. He called me and we both cried. He has had such a hard and horrible life. He just kept telling me he missed me so much. He never knew why I disappeared. He kept talking about a monkey I sent him and he still has it. 

He wants to come see me and my family. He has had such a hard life and I was so sheltered from it all. My kids don't have a clue what it would have been like for him. He is very poor. He was homeless for a while. He is living with friends now. He hasn't had any communication with our bio in 2 years. His mother is an addict and he stays away from her too. I asked him about his childhood and he said let's just say it was very bloody. We were always being beaten. 

I feel so guilty. I knew those boys were going to have a horrible life. I chose to walk away from them. I don't know if I could have gotten custody. I don't know if I could have made anything easier for them. I don't know. I was just a 1/2 sister and in my early 20's. I never even saw them face to face. Now I am afraid that even though this brother of mine has escaped our bio and is trying his best... he was raised by evil. Would he try and steal from me? Would he ever hurt me or my kids? I don't know. I don't want to think about it. He wants to come here and see me. He wants to see our sister too (she and I are still close, since bio went to prision and she was raised by her grandparents). I am jus a wreck over it. DH just keeps telling me to lock my heart up and be cautious. I have a really hard time doing that.