SD HUSBAND PROBABLY EVEN WORSE
SD32 I have written about the situation but I'd like to talk about their husbands.
she met him ten years ago we didn't know he existed before he TEXTED my husband to ask to marry her. Well that's so rude I know asking is old fashioned but texting. He was very evasive from the get go I'd see him tapping her asking to leave - not that they came here often. He definitely never tried to engage out son then ten. We don't drink he dies quite a bit he would turn up here with a bottle of beer in hand at ten am.
Anyway we paid more towards their wedding than anyone else of course I was never thanked. There have been handouts since he never once said thank you. Both of us didn't like him and SD changed too. Of course my husband had to make more effort than me. We would go to his children's birthdays and never rate a hello. His family was just as bad. Of course it mad me angry.
we used to have Christmas breakfast he stopped that after one but he does come here to get gifts none of which are ever reciprocated.
ive been left standing in his garage after dropping his children off after I cared to them as he just walked off. No birthday wishes so we don't do it for him. I'm soooo uncomfortable around him. And then the last thing we had come back from holidays for child's football game. No hig guys did you have a good trip. He and his mother and two sisters looked up whispered hi and turned their backs on us. My husband can talk to anyone and this jerks antics don't affect him but he has no relationship with him.
but I'm sure to them it's our fault and that's proven to me by their actions. Im so fed up.
Wow, sounds like a gem. Why
Wow, sounds like a gem. Why do you do so much for them? I don't think I could do it. History tells me anything I do for SD will always be thankless. I'm just a chump for her.
My SD's husband hardly utters a word to anyone -- doesn't have much of a chance with SD thinking all the world's her stage and all of us in it are her audience.
I don't know how he stands her, but I'll say this for him. Their wedding "event" was so awkward and tense for me -- BM is unpredictable, sometimes violent and frightening, and SD hates me. While everyone else was having fun in the days leading up to that wedding (BM, bride and bridesmaids partying and getting their nails and makeup done; everyone going out for drinks and expensive dinners; posing for first family photos) I was arranging all the flowers for bridesmaids and the tables, picking up the balloons, making signs for restrooms, and tending to the bride's grandmother, who took a nasty fall the day before the wedding.
Of all the people there, including my husband, SD's husband was the only one who thanked me and gently said, "I'm sure this has to be really hard for you. I really appreciate it." He hasn't uttered a word to me since, but at least someone said that because I was doing the work of a wedding planner but without the pay or recognition.
If you're doing all that stuff for your SD thinking she will come around, she probably won't. SDs' anger has nothing to do with SMs, so you can't ever win them over or get genuine thanks. It's not about you. You're just the scapegoat for that anger.
So, stop being a scapegoat
So, stop being a scapegoat and do what works for you! I know a kick in the butt is still a kick in the butt and can hurt regardless of whether it has anything to do with you personally or not. A more common name for it is bullying. That is what bullies do, they seek to harm, intimidate, or coerce someone perceived as vulnerable. The easiest way to deal with bullies is to remove your vulnerability.
It is very easy for SMs to be put in the vulnerable position because it is not uncommon for BM, adult SKs, other relatives, and even DH sometimes to all join in and literally mob SM. This is why a SM usually needs at least a strong, supporting husband in order to have any success. If your DH won't support you or continues to put his head in the sand, this pretty much leaves a SM as vulnerable as an 8-point buck on an open field during hunting season.
So, remove your vulnerability by doing what works for you and what makes you feel at ease. Go with DH to these events, don't go, go and kick butt yourself, or ___? You need to do what works for you, because in Step-World, no matter what a SM does, there is pretty much someone there every time telling you it is wrong. It is not wrong if it works for you and especially if it works to equalize your marriage.
Great points
I appreciate your viewpoint and good suggestions.
The advice to disengage still applies.
Just like you ignored your SD birthday, you should ignore her husband and try to forget what happened in the past.
Forget it, but don't forgive it. Remember, if you are to have any peace at all you must disengage from SD and anything to do with her, including her worthless mates and kids.
Go back and read posts on the "Disengagement" section. You will learn coping strategies there.