Selective Disengagement?
I am finding myself more and more irritated at the toxicity that BM creates. SS has gone back to believing that he has Elhors-Danlos. BM and her GED self with her CNA credientials obviously knows more than the geneticist at the children's hosipital's EDS clinic. We were so silly to question her (eyeroll). But what are we going to do? Sure, we can go back to court. Sure, we will probably win something over it. SS will probably also hate us for it. BM has turned him.
On another note, we are planning a trip with DH's family to the beach for Christmas. A big beach house and a palm tree Christmas tree is just what the doctor ordered! I love DH's family and can't wait!! Here is the kicker though... as some of you remember, during the last custody hearing, the judge wouldn't even let our lawyer talk. We get 28 days with SS in the summer and 6 days for spring break. That is it. The entire year... We don't get Christmas break at all.
We told SS13 about the trip we are planning. We told him that if he wants to go, he is going to have to tell BM. He just shrugs. He hasn't spent a Christmas with his dad in 5 years since BM packed him up and moved him 1300 miles away. Even when DH traveled to him for Christmas he was never allowed to spend Christmas Eve or Christmas Day with SS.
I guess at this point I just want give up. We are going back to court one last time... if our lawyer will ever call us back. We might get lucky and actually get awarded more time since we have the medical info (Munchausen Syndrom by Proxy potentially) for a change in circumstance, but who knows... If SS doesn't give a crap about his dad and having a relationship with him, why should I care? Maybe selective disengagement is what I need to do. Support DH is whatever he wants to do. Be his cheerleader and friend. But when it comes to SS, let it go. Don't get attached to any ideas that we can have a real family relationship with him. BM made sure of it. She has pulled him so far away we just can't reach him really.
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I think you have the right
I think you have the right idea. Just make sure you balance your DH's expectations with reality. Don't cheer him into sending you all into the poor house.
Your SS has been effectively brainwashed, which is just sad. He doesn't want to believe his mother is a liar or would intentionally hurt him. The level of defenses he has put up will take actual therapy to tear down. He hasn't just been lied to; his existence as it has been explained to him has all been a lie. He has been made to believe he is sick by someone who swears to care for him; that's something that will take more than a doctor's diagnosis to correct.
Your DH has to make a choice, and he needs counseling as well to work through his own emotions.
I wouldn't have told him about the trip
Because you all are creating a situation in which BM has all the power--and you run the risk of being accused of alienation, which I know is furthest from the truth.
I agree that you need to step back from this kiddo. He has been brainwashed and he's unlikely to see the harm that his mother is causing. The situation is painfully unfair, but there's nothing that you are going to be able to do about it, and your DH might be able to accomplish something, maybe, but the level of expense and commitment it would take would be completely unreasonable.
Lieutenant_dad's suggestion of therapy for your DH is a wise one. He needs to process through his feelings about all of this and manage his expectations moving forward.
I don't see this as potential
I don't see this as potential alienation. I would think saying things like - Rec baseball is more important than your dad. -- Your dad doesn't even know how sick you are or he wouldn't try and convince you that you are fine -- If your dad cared he would come to KS to see you, not make you go to him"
That is a small example of things BM says. I am not sure how we are creating a situation where BM has all the power, the courts did when they only gave DH 34 days a year with his kid and makes him go 7 months in between visits. How can a dad possibly compete with the onslaught of BS from BM?
SS does have the power to say something. He can be present in court and state that he wants to see his dad for part of winter break. He can tell his mom that he wants to see his dad more often. Otherwise, he is going to miss out. I am done planning my life around the 34 days a year that SS can be a part of it. If SS wants more and to do the things we do, he is going to have to speak up. He will be 14 in 2 more months. He has a voice. He needs to find it. Honestly, one way or another. He needs to tell his dad he doesn't want to see him or tell his mom that DH is important to him.
SS17 SWORE to us that he
SS17 SWORE to us that he would say he wants to live with his dad in court. He showed up to court with BM. He never got on the stand but he wouldn't even talk to us before court and pretended like we weren't there. Brainwashed kids flip on a dime, especially for the ever precious abusive mother. Thankfully, he didn't live with either one of us and the Judge emancipated him. NO MORE CHILD SUPPORT!
At least then it would be
At least then it would be over. If he flips and says he doesn't want to see DH, we can move on. 4.5 more years of CS and done. No more hanging on hope.
Yep. The funny thing is, SS
Yep. The funny thing is, SS avoided us for a couple of months but has been coming around the last week. It's like he has to get over being ashamed after he pulls stunts like that. Of course, he can drive and BM doesn't know where he is half the time although I am sure she has a tracker on his phone. She never cared about SS too much. It's OSD and MSD that she insist worship her.
They also need
"aloof time" to act like they don't care about dad in front of the almighty GUBM to please her. I remember a good 30 minutes of strutting around in front of us looking aloof and staring away knowing full well where we were sitting during the skids' extra curricular activities (in which they were signed up for by the Gir for everything under the sun).
Then by some MIRACLE they would "spot" us after a sufficient time had gone by to convince the Gir that the skids couldn't care less that we were there.
I just wish there was a way
I just wish there was a way to smack him upside the head and say can't you see what is happening???? I guess that will be therapy session later in life after his own failed marriage and loss of his child after marrying a woman just like BM...
Because BM is alienating, you have to be even more careful!
As I said in my first post, I wouldn't have told skiddo about the trip at all. There's NO chance that he will be able to go. To tell him about it simply rubs in his face and reinforces the idea that BM is the only one who matters in this dynamic. She decides if SS does here, there, or anywhere. Dad doesn't make those decisions. Dad's not a good parent. The judge said he's not allowed to, etc. It will spiral out of control.
Anytime you put SS in the situation where he has to go to BM to request to do something with Dad, she's going to claim that DH is engaging in alienating behaviors. Because that's how she keeps her narrative going. How dare he make her look like the bad guy? (Yes, I realize I'm arguing both sides here. That's what these people think!)
And if the kiddo says that he wants to see Dad more, do you really think that she would allow it? She's made it 100% clear what she thinks of Dad. Dad can't compete. His best path with a child this far gone is to back off. Remind kiddo that he's always there for him, but there shouldn't be any more fighting or planning around his schedule.
Also, if you really want SS
Also, if you really want SS to attend the Xmas trip, DAD needs to ask BM or motion for a modification in court.
We have tried. She says she
We have tried. She says she will think about it and then will not respond after that. SS is going to have to take the stand in court and say "I want to spend part of my winter break with my dad". It is the only way. He is almost 14 years old.