spending like 75% of your time with your Bio kid.  You wanted your Bio kid.  Part of like is to have fun with your Bio when they are young.  As a parent you have to mold your child, teach him good values, manors, the hold nine yards of life.  Once they reach the teens years, you hope you taught them enoughtyto become a good person.

your SS has him mother and BF to take care of him.  Your Bio only has you, since your DW seams like she doesn’t do much.  

Welcome to Stepworld- it is a hard place that turns reasonable, rational sane people into gibbering wrecks. I wish I could give you some advice, but it is clear you are having to disengage to save your sanity and in some ways, the values you would want your own child to live by.

I don't know what the culture is that you refer to that indulges their children (is it a boy thing?) to this extent but you certainly make it sound like a nightmare place to be.

However, he no longer lives there and when in Rome and all that... I think family counselling might be an option as there seems some disparity in the way your wife may be with her son, but what about the child you have together? Why do you only spend 5% of your time with him/her?

I think you really need to look clearly at the issues here and try to negotiaite some clear ways through- and lots of young boys spend hours on the game consoles, he certainly isn't unusual in that respect.

I think you're probably doing the right thing to step back. It won't make the kid any nicer, but it might help save your sanity. And it will give you time to focus on your own child.

These cultural divides are something. I remember seeing a mom repeatedly smacking a kid in the head in Morocco -- something I never seem to see enough of in the US! I noticed they don't hold their kids' hands in crowded souks with donkeys and giant camels rolling through. And you noticed the gender difference -- Arab culture especially has such different expectations from girls and boys, but I guess that's true everywhere to some degree.

My husband's first wife was not American and some issues really made him crazy -- like the kid refusing to eat dinner and then his wife cooking her and entirely different meal so she'd eat. And then when SD was a preteen, his wife started dressing her rather immodestly, which continues today. I've been so embarrassed to be out with SD, but I'm modest even by American standards.

Maybe it's impossible to take the culture out of the kid and his mom. And maybe it's not even right to try(?) But your kid was born here and it sounds as if that's where you can be the really good parent you want to be. And with luck, your SS might lauch an early sports career that takes him elsewhere sooner than later. I hear some boarding schools have really good sports programs

You're going to have to decide which battles are worth fighting.

IMHO: The kid should stay in sports and be encourged to do activities during his off season. This will keep him busy and worn down to an extent and hopefully get his college paid for. 

xbox, oh well, if he stays up all night and plays on it without disturbing the rest of the house go for it.

Food, make your plate let your wife do whatever for him.

Trips, if he doesn't want to go he's old enough to stay home alone.  If he does go and ruin a trip he stays home the next one.

Disrespect, once he starts disrespecting you he's immediately referred to his mother to deal with.

Realize that all this drama and dysfunction was in place long before you arrived on scene. It sounds like you wanted to come in, save the day and fix it all. Obviously that ain't gonna happen.  

I have been living away from my home culture most of my adult life. It's not a HUGE jump given that I'm American and now live in England, but it's definitely different and being in a relationship with someone from a different culture is also an extra layer of complication. One thing that happens is that we tend to blame the culture rather than the practice or the person. So, for example, I have my quirks like everyone, and many, many times this has been put down to me being American when it's actually just me being weird. Other times things have gone the other way - I've made a cultural faux pas and it's been put down to me being rude or insensitive rather than just a cultural difference. For example, in the US a lot of people talk about baby names well before a baby is born. In the UK, it's considered bad luck to do this and people will not talk about names until after the baby is born - although no one says it's 'bad luck' because they don't want to seem superstitious. I was asking a colleague once about what she planned to name her twins and another colleague really dressed me down for my insensitivity. I certainly didn't mean anything bad by it! I wished her the absolute best. Obviously, I haven't done such a thing again (even though I want to!!!).  These cultural differences also contributed me lettting my ex get away with some very bad behaviour that he said was the British way of doing things, but actually was just him being an asshole. 

We can both wrong people and let them get away with things by assuming or failing to recognise cultural issues. 

I'm all for your understanding of these issues - but at the same time when you make a new family you have to agree new standards - each home is its own country in a way.  This kid is just 11 - the same age as my bio son and similar to the ages of my stepsons. There's no way he should be playing on an Xbox all night - maybe you let this happen once or twice a year as a special treat - but on a regular basis - it's damaging. But this is something you have to agree with your wife. My partner and I had different standards on these things and he has made clear what his standards are (tougher than mine) and has asked me to back them up across all 3 boys. I'm happy to comply. If he'd demanded I make these changes or gotten angry with me without telling me what his expectations were, I would not have been so happy. While your SS is not your child, you have a right to express unhappiness with childrearing standards in your home - esp as you have a child in that home. 

You don't mention the gender of your bio child. I would be really, really concerned if this child is a girl and there's a cultural issue of girls being 'less than'. 

And finally, you seem aware of this - but it's hard making a new family and it's really hard making a new family in an alien culture - as your wife and SS are having to do. It's isolating and can be emotionally devastating. I am over 20 years in my new country, I have lived and worked here and had a kid here and two British partners (as well as dating others), I have played sport and been involved in the local life. I've gone native in many ways, so it's not as hard a thing for me anymore - but it is a sad thing - not being a part of my extended family's life or my home culture. 

Where is Rags when you need him? You should speak to a gentleman named Rags he has raised a good step son. Not without it's challenges. Never raised any boys myself. Good luck.

What  country do you live in now?  If it is the US... then do it the way you do it here.  Heck, regardless of where  you live do it the way you would do it here.  This kid is starting his path to viable adulthood at an extreme deficite.  When he reaches for food off of any plate but his own ... smack him on the back of the hand with the handle of a eating utensil.  No doubt you have already spoken to him about this. He is of the age where he gets told once... then age appropriate consequences are applied.

If you do not set and enforce reasonable standards of behavior then your marriage and family are likely doomed to be sacrificed on the alter of SParental martyrdom.  And that is not fair to your own young child.

So, set the rules, enforce the rules, apply escalating age appropriate consequences and if your DW doesn't like how you parent and discipline then she can step up and get it done before you have to.  If she refuses to step up then she can bite her tongue and have your back.   In this case... doing nothing should never be an option unless the Skid is well behaved.

As equity life partners you and your bride are also equity parents to any children in your home regardless of kid biology.  Being in the same book on parenting is key ...  however ... if you are not in the same book then the one with the most stringent parental standards trumps the other IMHO.

It is critical that you get this firmly established ASAP so that your own child will not be unduely adversly impacted by the ill behaved elder half sib and the less than effective parenting of  themother.

Just my opinion of course.

BTW... my brothers and I were raised in a country and culture about as completely different from our own as you can get.  Standards of parenting should apply regardless of where a kid is raised. Sure, different cultures parent differently but .... you are the dad... you parent as you choose.  Your bride can get on board... or she can abdicate the parenting to you.  At least that is how I would appoach it in your situation.

Good luck.