Please don't laugh
My issue; SS comes to church with us. He's 22yrs old. He doesn't like to bathe / shower is one issue I have. So, the body odor is there. He lives at a rental house with running water. I deliberately use much more perfume and never sit next to him.
I do not know where or who got the idea of going to church together. I didn't mind it because I thought it'd be ok. And I didn't know he had a hygiene issue.
So, here's my question, he doesn't really talk to me and we take him to eat afterwards. So, still not the problem. The problem is he only talks to his dad and totally ignores me. He's been more frequent to also blow me off if I try to get involved in a conversation. He won't even really have eye contact with me. It's been 4 yrs now. So, I pretty much don't want to go to church with him. I need help on this. I don't want flames from his dad bc church is extremely important to him. But, I deserve more respect . I've been made out as the ghost every flipping week. I'm loosing it.
'I did try once talking with his dad, dh. But, it didn't really accomplish anything. Not really good with words so I just want to say I can't go anymore and this is why... but I don't think it'd do any good.
i also suggested he tell SS that he can attend or perhaps hook up with some other college students or something . But, I am just so uncomfortable. I've tried to chin up and just go thinking it'll get better, go and ignore, yeah not working here!
any ideas?
Oops his hygiene is not the
Oops his hygiene is not the main problem, typo up there
God doesn't care what people
God doesn't care what people smell like...
No he doesn't . But I'm sure
No he doesn't . But I'm sure other people don't deserve it. That's not a problem .
Ask his Dad
Honey, I wonder if you have noticed Jim-Bob never talks to me. Even after church he only talks to you and ignores me. Have I done something wrong? I don't want to be his mother or his best friend. But sitting down for a meal we are paying for and he ignores me makes me feel left out. Is there something wrong with him I should know about? If he is mildly autistic I can deal with it. All it looks like now is him being rude which is not why we go to church unless he is sitting it out for a free meal.
He's not autisic . He goes to
He's not autisic . He goes to a state college and is rude.
Say No one wants to be in a
Say No one wants to be in a situation where they are treated like dirt. Your son treats me like dirt and you’re not intervening. If you don’t intervene I will talk to him myself. How would you like it if my family blantantly ignored you like your son does to me? If he is not able to treat me with respect then I will address it with him. If DH does nothing then proceed to make things very uncomfortable for SS. If DH starts to abuse you, leave.
He saw it up close today. I'm
He saw it up close today. I'm sure he saw me also wiggling in my chair. Today, I've had enough. I really don't like eating with someone who clearly intentionally is ignoring me. I'm done . I had a great talk with DH. He said he saw it and he's really upset. For once I clearly felt he's on my side with skid
I'm glad your DH is going to
I'm glad your DH is going to speak to his son. Unless something changes, I would refuse to have SS go to church or to eat with you afterwards. I used to put up with this sort of behaviour from my SDs, and I wish now that I hadn't, that I had stood up for myself. It really is unacceptable for your SS to treat you in this grossly rude manner, and for your DH to ignore it.
I let dh know that he needs
I let dh know that he needs to see the big picture. It went like this. ; you picked him up, he smelled all the way through in disrespect, we took him to church to learn and grow, he got a free meal, he refused to speak to me once again, ignored me, ate, never offered to pay his way, I said good bye 3x and never spoke, left knowing he totally won, disrespected us, and will do it again. I'll leave dh to think on it. He was sick about 10 yrs ago and he actually can not think things through fast. And I'm sorry I keep forgetting this. But I know we have both really matured in this situation . And I've spent time away. So, he's really trying harder . I have faith that somehow we will find a way. I disengaged from SD. I don't have nothing to do with her and that did make him upset. But , it's been my peace. Now, she's been sucking him into the wedding. I'm kind of looking in the distance and I like it that way . They came over to talk and I stayed inside. I've never met her fiancé and I'm happy with that. Real happy. I hear though he's nice.
Can you go in separate cars?
I'd tell hubby that after church you are going straight home due to his son's disrespect. Your husband wouldn't want to sit week after week and suffer through the same ordeal if someone you loved was mistreating him. If you go straight home after church and miss the meal, he should feel bad and want to change something. If he dosen't feel bad about this then you have a bigger problem with hubby.
Yep. I sat him down and said
Yep. I sat him down and said I'm sorry but I need to talk to you and before it happens don't hate me. Right away he said , I'd never hate you. There was some tears here and there. But, he listened .
one thing is kind of tearing at me. He brought up his son said to him. He said , dad I'm disconnected from ppl. But, I'll ask him when he gets home if that's what SS said. I guess it's in reference to me. Not sure .
I viewed it as a load of crap excuse of some kind . Dh was even asking me what he meant. I almost said well, then he must be disconnected from a bar of soap too.
'It's hard to imagine that's his son. Dh tucks in his shirt, wears a belt, never plays pocket pool, shakes hands, looks ppl right in the eye. His dad will take a bath and even match , lol
But, he doesn't see his kids
But, he doesn't see his kids are pulling the wool over his eyes. Sd is total narcissistic, it's never, ever her fault. From the things I've read on BM blogs she's one herself. I'm either going to strut into sd wedding like I own the air around me or go ghost. But they treat me like a ghost that seems too easy for them. So , it's a toss.
but definitely...... I am not going to church with him ever again. I am so done.
This eating situation
This eating situation happened with sd over and over. It's just a game I see bc it's his game card now. Brother sister act
Um. Red flag.
Um. Red flag.
so, I brought up SS. He said I'm going to approach him this week. Said he's going to speak to him. But, I'm not happy he said well if he says he's sorry then I'm going to be ok.
Hello ?
im like no, I'm not though. I said regardless if he's sorry or not I am in no way going to church with him bc he's been shading me for months. I'm not crazy :////////
Actions speak louder than words
"Sorry" means nothing if SS keeps treating so disrespectfully. Your DH will need to know that you are NOT going to be OK with SS until you see a change in SS that lasts for a very long time. THEN you will reevaluate the situation.
Your DH does not have the right to determine what you are going to be "OK" with. That sounds as if you are being forced to think like DH wants you to think. This can be considered abusive.
Exactly my thinking . I don't
Exactly my thinking . I don't see how his children keep shunning me and that's suppose to be ok
Seems talking to the husbands
Seems talking to the husbands never actually solves anything
Girl, you put in four years
Girl, you put in four years with this BS. If your husband is going to fix it, SS had better apologize directly to you and open his mouth to greet you from now on. Otherwise, let him find his own way to church and food.
I will say this: SS's unkempt and says he's disconnected from people. Maybe he does have some mental issues at work there. But regardless, he must be polite to you. PERIOD!
Yes, I agree my brother does.
Yes, I agree my brother does.. have mental issues and he's way worse. So, like I said I try my hardest to lay on more perfume. But, he asked his dad since deer season that you think the deer can smell me. I told dh yes he stinks !!
Hygeine issues, disconnect
Hygeine issues, disconnect from people, lack of eye contact...yes I'd say this kid has some sort of disorder. Maybe he's not full blown Autistic but could be somewhere on the spectrum or just depressed. He sounds like my psychitzophrenic SIL who won't bathe for a week at a time and has completely let herself go, including not brushing her teeth and she's lost several teeth and is only 40. DH refuses to take her shopping or be near her when she's overwhelmingly smelly. He'll tell her to call him back after she's showered.
Obviously there's something wrong with ss yet it doesn't make his behavior right. As pointed out, talking to your husband doesn't help and he'll never see his childs flaws like you do. The only way to change this dynamic is to change your role in it. Maybe DH can take ss out for lunch after church then you and DH can go to dinner alone. You could take your own car and let dh ride with stinky ss. DH might get the hint and be embarrassed when people ask him why he and his wife take separate cars to church. My ss33 is a real pill to deal with and has not changed at all during our 6 years of marriage. I'm the one who's changed and completely removed myself from DH and ss's sick codependant dynamic.
Is there anyone in the church that could make ss their pet project and help him out? Could someone teach him that cleanliness is next to godliness? LOL
I believe the mother coddles
I believe the mother coddles him. I actually kind of seen her at a game and it does look strange the way she talked to him. I kind of think they've allowed this. I think it's simple respect issues. And I do know only one time dh spoke to him about birds and bees . SS went into a full blow up. I was like omg. I said to dh later oh boy you've got some children who are now adults with issues .
i think he does appear depressed at times. But , I am not a licensed therapist
Smelly and avoidant
Perhaps this is a trend. I have one of these, too--a 35 year old SD. RArely bathes, slovenly, and never makes eye contact or speaks to me. Impressively, she's kept this up for three years. I want to be such a cool person that this doesn't bother me, but you know what? Social shunning is a powerful tool for disciplining outliers, and it works because it hurts and shames you. After three years, I decided that was good evidence things weren't going to change, and why should i keep presenting myself to be bullied? (And why do Step Children think they can treat the stepmother worse than they would treat any other human, ever?). My peace comes now from having nothing to do with either of my SDs and I doubt they have noticed. DH has his own relationship with them; without me there, they have no one to blame but themselves for whatever annoyance or anger they are feeling about their family (I have nothing to do with that). You have him with you more often, though, so your situation is different. It is FINE to say: I'm not going to church with someone who smells and I'm not eating with someone who ignores me. No judgment, just your own truth: I will not do these things. Don't ask if you can not do them--just make yourself absent and treat yourself with respect. Good luck!
I've even asked dh to speak
I've even asked dh to speak with him and we will get soap or whatever's he needs are. But he said it's ongoing before me. So... idk what to say. But, I'm sick of this going the extra mile to be kicked . So, I stand firm and I am done. It's like a game. I'm not some two dollar hooker. Ugh. My niece said it's mommy issues
Good hygiene is a life skill
Good hygiene is a life skill that SS should have been taught and reminded about if he has mental issues or not.
My adult SS used to use the bathroom and come out so quick I knew he wasn’t washing his hands. I told DH he needs to tell him and every time he went to make a sandwich I would yell wash your hands please.
Why not ask DH to please remind SS to take a shower before getting ready for church. He obviously has to be told.
Not sure you can get out of eating together after if it’s established as routine unless you take your own car. You could tell your DH if you are to continue, you need to be included in the conversations.
That's how I view it. I
That's how I view it. I always was in charge of getting my girls in the routine of bathing. When they were little. In fact, my oldest fought me on it but she fought her entire life. Later on diagnosised with A.D.D. but I still had a routine bath , hygiene etc...
i think here it's the entire snubbing me ol crap I'm done with. I mean he's disrespectful , eats worse then an animal, he literally licks his fingers loud, sucks in his food, he might as well belch too. I have to turn my head when we eat so I don't vomit .
conclusion : this crap has to be intentional !
so, I'm fed up with ignoring me. I mean he's been attending church with me for a few months now and there was only a couple of times he actually said, how are you ?
but, once again dh said oh that's good for him. Well, how is that good when SS is talking his head off to dh?
Dh said well you're probably mad he whipped out his phone and started talking to me exclusively? I said no I'm pretty sure that I was upset he smelled, didn't comb his hair, shoved his food down , never looked at me, never spoke to me, played pocket pool and wouldn't say goodbye after 3x me saying good bye. We hadn't seen him in 3 weeks so I guess he didn't miss me one bit.
I was truly disgusted and even more dh thought it was ok. Then, dh just told me well I remembered when I was married and we excluded his bm many times. She'd just sit as we talked . I said well I don't know if that's just at home or all -each time. Like I started getting the picture of me being demanding to dh in some way and I was about to loose it. . I said well sometimes you aren't going to get to be in every single thing being said, ( I am fairly quiet) but it isn't that at all!!! Say , dh gets up to wash hands then SS sits there looking the opposite direction and you can see he is intentionally hoping I don't talk.
'If there is ever another time I'm going to ask him what his problem is trust me. !!!!!!
If I drop out of my couple time going to church, drop out of my time which is very special after lunch after the church service I am bowing out of my relationship. This is exactly what SS and SD want.
Only every other year I'm attending xmas at his dads house. And last year I didn't want to be home bc dh invited his kids over to do presents at our house. So, I drove around in the cold for 2 hrs. I was not ok with this and it was a fight. I ripped the tree down. Even though dh apologized I'm really thinking I'm already being treated as the BM was. It's never happening again. And I made it clear his son and daughter can do the entire xmas at his dads house. Done.
I know what's up. And I see everyone but dh is on BM Facebook page, sister n laws and all. The only person talking to me is 3 b.i.l , one s.i.l , his dad, and myself cough. Every one else looks at me like an alien. Annoying I say .
Only to a certain extent I feel sorry for dh. He has to keep talking to 2 ungrateful , disrespectful adult children. I mean why wasn't respect taught early on? You can't teach it now :/ my daughter drove all the way from the west coast and gave dh a hug. She had direct eye contact, and talked to dh. If my daughter treated him the way his SS treats me I'd really be doing something about it. There's no excuse , period. Sorry I'm ranting.
i told dh , take your time speaking with SS bc come Sunday he's going to wondering why we didn't pick him up. SS has car and lives closer to church then we do. 10 minutes vs 25 minutes for us.
Couple Time
"If I drop out of my couple time going to church, drop out of my time which is very special after lunch after the church service I am bowing out of my relationship." And THAT is a biggie!
You mentioned that you thought SS's intrusion was intentional. It is hard to believe he did not know this is a special time for you and DH. In my opinion you are going to have to set boundaries with DH - and tell him just because his first wife put up with it, you are not obligated to. If your DH wants to make his marriage his first priority, his time with you will be his first priority.
I suggest you sit down with DH and negotiate 'couple time' and skid time. If going to church and having a meal afterward was your couple time before, then it should be again - no SS. If this, and making the day of a holiday the only couple time you ask for, DH is getting off easy. DH can find some other way and some other day to connect with the skids. Driving around in a car for 2 hours so they can exchange presents is outrageous.
Would your DH continue to be around people who will not acknowledge his existence? You don't owe it to him to be around people who are disrespectful of you either. Stand your ground.
Well dh learned this last
Well dh learned this last year. That he can go spend individual time with both of his spawn. And has done so. But, it took a few times for him to realize they never brought me up ( yay) but he didn't like it when they didn't say , how's sm? Big difference when he " saw " it for themselves . When you observe them around dh or listen as other people talk to them , how they really light up when the spot light is upon them. But, when other people speak to me or there's is conversations they try to force attention back on themselves . By saying stuff like, hey guess what , oh I , I , I did this and I , I , I . If I sit long enough and listen the conversation is that of a 2nd grader or and over. There's some very strong grandiose attitudes coming from the SS and SD
Well, I've been researching
Well, I've been researching SS odd behavior just based on his sign. Yes don't laugh. My dad was an outstanding Air Force man, retired after 40 yrs . And SS is almost narcissistic dark . So, turn out there's two types of Scorpio people in the world. And now his behavior and grandiose attitudes make perfect sense. He has made comments several times about people being pathetic or pathetically stupid . And some other higher then anyone else attitudes . So, it kind of makes sense this chip I see . And I think I need to stay far away. I am obviously his target and if he views himself as that superior then it's on him