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StepUltimate's picture

Submitted by StepUltimate on Wed, 07/11/2018 - 10:46pm

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Adult Stepchildren

Okay STalkers, requesting feedback in case my perspective is off on this situ:

SS18 finally showed up & availed himself for DH to take driving. Of course at 18+ with a car waiting he has refused so far to get licensed, or set aside enough $$ to cover gas & insurance... which he would need if he actually enrolls in CC for Fall 2018. But whatever.

So DH tells me they're going driving, and I go "Have fun! Drive safe." They leave, I do a few things, and on a sudden vibe, look out the window. Sure enough, SS18's car is still parked there & the vehicle DH drives is gone. Both vehicles "we" own are in my name due to my better credit score; SS's car is in me & DH's names because frankly, 2.5 years ago when we fixed it up for him, I assumed I'd be helping SS learn to drive. The way things have gone, I decided it's not something I want to do (don't trust SS) but did not give permission for SS to drive the other vehicles.

Is it over-the-top to cringe at the thought of SS practice-driving my vehicle with his dad? Because here's my next move: I was already planning to separate finances from DH this week; this just feels like confirmation that's the right thing to do. I also want DH to get a loan to buy that car out & handle the rest of the payments himself, but fear he'll trade it in for a sports car (much bigger payment, more expensive insursnce, and premium gas). Which would indirectly effect me financially in terms of what is DH contributing toward retirement. He'd also let SS drive it, so much better if not in my name right? Also, beyond me NOT being willing to pay SS's insurance & gas, I don't want to pay any for repairs or loan him my vehicles if/when his breaks down & he's broke.

Down the road, if things went better than I suspect, maybe I'd want to re-merge finances with DH, but for now, it seems that to avoid resentment & financially supporting SS beyond what I am willing to do, AND to avoid being the one to have to say "No, WE can't afford the sports car right now" or "No I don't want SS driving or borrowing my car." I would like DH to handle this without my financial contribution. 

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Thu, 07/12/2018 - 7:57am

I don't let anybody drive my car, certainly not my SD.

There is absolutely no reason that he should be driving your car instead of his own. Why would he not practice in the car he will be driving, anyway? Doesn't make any sense.

Suemm44's picture

Submitted by Suemm44 on Thu, 07/12/2018 - 8:08am

I second this. No. Get SS and dh some rules-boundaries. I would of jumped in a car and made them switch it out . SS has his car then use it not yours. 

StepUltimate's picture

Submitted by StepUltimate on Thu, 07/12/2018 - 9:40am

Thanks, everyone. I calmly mentioned when DH returned that I don't want SS driving our vehicles, just his own. In terms of staying cool & detached (instead of agitated & upset), it was great. DH said he agreed but A) wanted SS to drive a different vehicle for contrast to SS's car, which is what they've practiced with until yesterday, and Dirol DH's car needed gas anyway. He said he'd thought SS should take the drivers test in DH's car and I can see DH's point that it's easier to drive (SUVwith better visibility than SS's sporty little 2-door V6, also better power steering, plus a big SmartCar screen that shows the ReverseCam) and agree it's good to practice driving different vehicles. So for now, I'm over it. 

However, as others posted, I want my finances ALREADY separated if/when DH tries to go the route of claiming the only way SS will be able to get insurance is if we add him to our policy. That way, I won't have just spent the last five years telling SS (DH was on the same page until about two months ago, when it's become increasingly clear even to DH that SS is in no hurry to grow up & attend LIFE instead of just partying/playing xbox) that he'd be driving once he had a job to pay for gas & insurance... only to pay for him after all? Hell no.

Countdown ticking: Community college begins 8/25 and as of right now, SS18 has no drivers license, has no drivers TEST scheduled, has only made time for DH to tske him practice driving four times since HS graduation June 9th, has never studied for the written drivers test, has not saved up for insurance, has not completed the CC admissions, assessment & orientation procedures to even be able to sign up for classes, and.... has barely been home the last two weeks, couldn't actually sleep in his room unless he moves massive piles of dirty laundry (yes, I am done buying him any more clothes; the last thing I got him was a nice pair of REI swim trunks the week before graduation for a senior waterpark picnic day my stoner SS didn't bother to attend). But somehow he's stringing DH along ("We'll practice driving on all my days off. How long do you think until I can pass the test?" DH: "Depends; we've been driving 15 minutes now you're ready to be dropped off at a friends house?" SS: "Don't worry dad, it's no big deal, there's plenty of time...") and deluding himself that he's doing enough to actually become a Fall 2018 CC student who drives himself to/from CC 30 miles each way in a major metropolitan area. Hell, his part-time job does deliveries & his boss told SS that their insurance requires 6 months of driving experience to promote to the better-paying delivery driver position, so you'd think that would light a spark but no...

Based on my experience with SS and coming up on 2 years on this site (lurked & read for months before signing up & posting), I feel very relieved about separating finances & staying totally detached from any outrage about SS driving/ not driving, paying/ not paying insurance, paying/ not paying gas...

Thank you again all you wonderful StepTalkers, and happy Thursday-almost-FRIDAY to you all!

pinkb's picture

Submitted by pinkb on Fri, 07/13/2018 - 2:14am

I know you want your SS to pay for his own gas and insurance.  So did I.  Good luck with that... we carried him for two years into college when I found out he'd had an accident and 2 unpaid tickets.  That sh!t ended right then and there. Of course, his uncle picked up his insurance policy (fraudulently) but as long as I wasn't paying increased premiums (by something like an extra $1600 oer year.  NO THANK YOU.

One thing that I found out the hard way... if your son claims your residence as his "home address" and he's NOT called out on the insuance policy (... meaning you have to specifically add hin as "excluded" on the policy.  That being said (at least in most states) if he's driving one of your vehicles (insured or not, licensed or not) as the policy holder you and your hunband are responsible for any accidents and/or damage that is caused by him.

My DH (when we moved) insisted that if we didn't insure him and he drove one of our vehicles it wasn't "a big deal". Well, I called the insurance company and begged to differ.

Protect yourself, your husband, and your assets. If he has a bad accident and/or (Gob forbid) hurts someone the other party can take everything you own.

 

Goiod luck!