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OT - Physical Compatibility

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Inspired by Lt Dad's awesome comment on another blog...

Let's talke about sex, baby
Let's talk about you and me
Let's talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be
Let's talk about sex

IMO, couples need to be physically (sexually) compatible. If you pair the energizer bunny married with sex-is-only-for-conception, it won't end well.

Couple 1:
When I was married to the psycho ex, he was only interested 1-2 times a year. Yes, YEAR. In between times, he couldn't even be bothered to hug me - unless it was for show in front of people. When he WAS 'amorous', I was reluctant. Okay, fine. I admit it. I was peeved that I was just supposed to "turn on" for his needs when he was insensitive of mine.

Couple 2:
A friend of mine hooked up with his wife in college. She was a wild one! They were gettin' busy like rabbits on on crack. Bang, bang, bang!!! That is, until she had the required 2.0 kids. Once her babymaking was complete, she was DONE. That's right. Closed for Business. And he was supposed to turn IT off. Not only did she refuse to cuddle with him, she got mad at him if he... took matters into his own hands. WTH. That's a YUGE foul in the lovemaking game.

The point I'm making is that neither situation has works and someone is frustrated. If both of you are okay with none/a few times a year/every day: Great! Granted, couples go through highs and lows of activity. Including the times when one of them is out of the game with injuries or stress/depression. And as we age, we may not be as "compatible" as we were in the beginning.

So. I'm NOT saying that temporary sexual incapatibility is a reason to end a relationship. IMHO, it makes it better when like partners with like.

Thoughts?

 

Yes - I edited to correct that to last bit to say "I'm NOT saying that temporary...". Got ahead of myself if my furious typing...

Comments

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

I agree! On all accounts. I think it's important to be sensitive to your partner's feelings and needs, BUT that there needs to be an agreeance on how often. Compatibility is important. I do think a marriage can survive without it and if my partner needed that our marriage is based on so much more than just sex. But I mean hey, it's a pretty great thing, and we both like it.

DH offered a sexless marriage for my feelings, he took that into account. Definitley didn't work out that way on account of him being perfect as f***. *dirol*

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Aw, that's sweet!! A friend of mine's brother and his virgin bride didn't consummate their marriage for several months. That was 20+ years ago!

I know that opposites attract, but common physicality is key. IMO.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

We made it to the wedding night. LMAO

But it was the sentiment that meant something to me. Becuase to me it made me feel like I meant more than just sex to him. It showed me worth in his eyes. But knowing that it was at my pace and we could wait if I wanted really meant TONS to me. 

I agree. Looking back on it now. idk if we would have made it with ZERO sex... It's something that connects a couple in a positive way.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I'm truly glad that you took his waiting as an empowering moment!

A good(ish - it's waning) friend of ours has had a pretty miserable sex life with his (fairly newly married - 2ish years) wife due to feeling like it's "all about sex".

They got together very shortly after he broke up with his XGF (they were still living in the same house, actually). And by "together", I mean pieces fit in parts together. It was purely physical at the start, and she seemed fine with that. Apparently she was fine with their whole sex life up until they got married.

Now? Procreation. She feels like now that they are married, she and Friend don't need to have sex because he "truly loves her for who she is" versus as a sex object. I scratch my head at that one because she used sex to get with him, continued to have sex until he put a ring on it, and now...nope. Only for them babies.

Part of me feels bad for him, but he has the power to stay or end it. Really, this is part of a larger problem where she has decided to "rule the roost" since they got married. She makes less than $30,000/year with little ambition to make more. She adopts random animals without discussing it with him (in fact, there is speculation that the last dog she brought home killed Friend's cat). She doesn't clean around the house at all (she actually got mad at Friend once because they split a chore, he got done before her, and she went on a tirade about how she does EVERYTHING; this was after Friend had gotten up an hour before her that morning to do dishes, laundry, take out the dogs, and make breakfast and lunch for both of them). She rarely cooks, and when she does, it's a production all over Facebook. She has mental health issues and uses them as an excuse (i.e. she can't walk the dogs in the morning because she takes a sleeping pill to combat the other meds she is on, so she doesn't hear the dog, but keeps getting more dogs). Basically, she used sex to bag herself a man, refuses to have it now, but threatens to "cut a b!tch" if they so much as look at Friend. As you can probably imagine, she and I aren't good friends.

elkclan's picture

OMG - other than the animals - she sounds like the perfect match for my ex. Of course, I wouldn't want that crazy bitch step-parenting my son. 

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Well it was empowering. If someone wanted just sex they could get it from anyone. Go find the nearest wh0re type of deal. Whereas him saying he would wait until I was ready, meant that it was more than that and that our relationship wasn't based solely on physical affection (not syaing we arent'! We're super affectionate and I LOVE that).

I feel awful for your friend... I know he has all the power, but I know it's hard to do as well... I hope he wakes up and gets away from that situation... It sounds abusive Sad

Major Blunder's picture

Ours has definately tapered off due to age and now raising younglings AGAIN!!!!  Most of the time we are to tired or to busy or whatever , maybe one of these days we can get back in the swing( I know it's in the closet somewhere lol)

lieutenant_dad's picture

I will say that I think sexual incompatibility IS a reason to end a relationship. However, I don't think it is an immediate dealbreaker.

Just like with any other issue in a marriage, if sex is no longer where one partner needs it to be, then there has to be discussion and compromise to suit both parties. If both parties have exhausted their resources (or one party refuses to see an issue and won't offer solutions, or the other party refuses to accept any compromise outside the established norm), I think it is perfectly acceptable to end a relationship. Otherwise, you're just offering up the opportunity for someone to cheat.

It isn't fair to tell someone that you're disappointed/appalled that they ended their relationship due to sex. Sex and intimacy is what makes a "coupling" different from a friendship. It's certainly not the only thing, but it's a pretty big component - and one component that we are willing to throw entire relationships away on if we find that someone isn't faithful in that arena. The three big things that almost everyone universally agrees on being "dealbreakers" are abuse, drugs, and cheating. Sex is a major component in a relationship - even if you aren't having it - and we condemn people when they end relationships because it isn't "good enough" for them but also when they cheat when it isn't "good enough".

Sexual compatibility is so very important. I'd argue that it is just as important as financial, geographical, career drive, and family expectation (e.g. kids) compatabilities. I don't understand why we downplay the importance so much in American culture, other than we can be prudes about the subject. You don't have to get it on every minute of every day, but you do have to be on the same page.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I got ahead of myself with typing... I meant to say TEMPORARY incompatibility. I definitely agree that if the partners are no longer compatible and reach an impasse, it's time to say goodbye. As for why people end their relationships... I don't consider it to be any of my business and don't understand why others push for a reason or get upset by that reason. NUNYA, you know?

There are couples who are perfectly content to NOT have sex. If it works, more power to them. A friend of mine was involved with a guy she said was "great" but that she would never marry. Why? She said, "He's lousy in bed, doesnt' care, and isn't going to do anything about it. As long as I'm enjoying his company, I'm good, But I will eventually move on because sex is important to me and I'll be damned if I'm going to be a cheater." Kudos to her.

Pssssst.... founded by Puritans. Prudes. Bummer!!

lieutenant_dad's picture

Please don't think my comments were directed specifically at you. It was more of a statement about how we view sex on a societal level. 

simifan's picture

On the flip side, I have several friends who put up with far too much from their partners because they have serious skills in the bedroom.  

 

 

thinkthrice's picture

was tit-matized by being eye level with the Gir's udders.

elkclan's picture

I have told my SO that I am so, so, so, so grateful that he is such a nice guy and that we are so compatible on the domestic front, because frankly the sex is so good I'd probably still be seeing him even if he wasn't. I really, really hope that I would have been kinder to myself (and my son) by not putting up with crap behavour just because we have an amazing sex life, but I'm not sure I would have. 

After a sexless marriage to a not nice guy, I feel like I've died and gone to heaven. Obviously things aren't perfect, we still have crazy exes and life throws us trauma, but we are still calm in the house and wild in the bed. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Elkclan, I hear you!

My DH and I are VEEEEEEERY compatible. In fact, sex with him has been the only time I feel confident! We had more sex in 1 year than all the other years combined.

thinkthrice's picture

only spread her legs to have a crotch dropping (3 of them)

Before that she was sorority sister town whore.

Now she is the "church lady, MOTY and pillar of Podunk NY"  StepDaddyBigBucks BETTER be content rubbing her enormous, boatlike feet with an occasional peck on the cheek of her highness.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

BioHo, ho of multiple counties AND states, now bathers on about God. *shok*

GoingWicked's picture

I can say I fell into category 2.  After I had kids, I didn't want sex at.all.   I did about 5 years of straight breastfeeding, I pretty much cuddled all day, and when the kids were finally asleep I wanted me to myself.  I also had 3rd degree vaginal tears with both babies, the first one in the rear the second one in the front. They say it's ok after 6 weeks, but it took years for sex not to hurt.  Though I would suck it up and put out, it was not fun and I hoped that it wouldn't last long.  DH would play mind games with me and put naked women on the computer where I could obviously see, and my feelings would get hurt, however I could have cared less what he did with himself in the shower.  Once I healed, I did a total 180, DH to this day blames it on me turning 30. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Gads, woman. Was your DH doing that to make you want sex?? Ish. And blames it on you turning 30. Crikey. It sounds like some PTSD going on there. 

Kmommyof388's picture

However, kids do change things...but to me it almost makes it more fun (i will explain) when all the kids are alseep and everything is done it does sometimes feel like a competition as in who can finish who first...kind of like a duel or something (showdown at the ok corral) after all the things we have fone through and continue to go through i thank my lucky stars we are that compatible 

Cooooookies's picture

My exH bragged about all the women he had.  Yet, with me, once or twice a year.  If I was naked or scantily dressed around him he would literally look right through me as if I was his sister or a buddy in the locker room.  He's admitted as much after we were divorced.  I have no idea why but it was frustrating as h311.  Mainly his drinking drove us apart but even without that I would not have stayed in a basically sexless marriage.  It is sooooooooo lonely.

When DH was married to BM1, she was a sex is for making children only sort of gal.  Still is.  Well they had a son and a daughter and she literally told him that's it, they don't need sex anymore!  DH loves sex so it really was the marriage breaker for them.  Plus they got together young so I think they grew apart as well.

One of the many things I love about DH is that he wants me every. day.  He looks at me with love and lust in his eyes all the time.  He'd have it 24/7 if our busy lives allowed it.  After being with a man for 16 years who could've cared less, it is a very welcomed change.  DH and I have very fun, exciting and wonderful nooky time.  We both say we're the best each other has ever had.  I consider that a great compliment considering DH was in his mid 50's and more than experienced when we met!

Dirol

Cooooookies's picture

No he had too many stories and they were consistent.  Plus his mom and sister confirmed.  I still say we should have just remained friends.  He really liked me a lot but I don't think it was ever in a sexual way.  Obviously.

Snowflake's picture

Sex is important in a marriage, but isn’t everything. 

In my first marriage, the only thing we had in common was sexual compatibility.  I really didn’t like the guy as a person, and I don’t think he really liked me, but we were both a bit freaky.   But it wasn’t enough to keep us together 

My dh’s Ex used sex as a weapon. They were fairly sexless, which was a huge contributor to the demise of their marriage. My husband is a really good looking guy, and when he got tired of it, he stopped paying attention to her. 

Now DH and I are together, it is great!  We are both freaks who are also partners in crime and best friends. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

People who use sex as a weapon need to be zapped in their badoobies.