Help! Needing family advice
I have been with my spouse for 13 years. We have 2 children together and I have 1 from a prevoius relationship. He has an emtional attachment to a now 17 year old girl, who he has known since she was little. She calls him daddy and he calls her his daughter even thought they are not related. The relationship has never sat well with me and I dont have a relationship with this girl. He calls himself a father to her and he claims to have raised her but I dont see it. She has spent a few nights at our house during some school holidays within the last five years. Each time she doesnt even speak to me, just stays in my son's room laying in the bed on her phone all day. My spouse has never supported her finacially, maybe a few things here and there but nothing major at all. Nothing about this relationship is partenal, more like charity. More like an uncle/godfather relationship. This young lady has had a baby and her mother is not sable at all. My husband took on the stress of finding somewhere for her to stay. Living with us was out of the question. Our place is to small, I have 3 kids and we all live on my one income. Well she goes to stay with his mother (whom she hasnt really spent any time with) until she had her baby. Since she's had her baby, she's living with her best friend and her mother. She also has a case pending against her and her mom (they went to jail) for beating up her maternal grandmother. Making it my spouses responsiblity to take her to court, ect. I have sacrifaced many things for myself so that my family can have. I refuse to sacriface more for someone that is not my child and dont have a relationship with. I dont want to sound hateful but sometimes thats how I feel im being. I dont want to hurt my spouse with my thoughts becasue he truly feels an attachment to her. But this young lady doesnt even know my husbands name. First or last. I know this because she asked me what her "daddys" name was about 2 years ago. Problalby didnt even care enough to remember it. Our daughter could tell you his first, last and would even spell it for you at 3 years old. The gut puncher for me was when he told me that if he had to, that he would get an apartment so that she can have a place to live. So he would find work just to support this young lady and her baby and leave his family to do so. That broke my heart. I have held our family down for 13 years, mostly by myself financly but he would leave us to support someone else just like that. We are young (32, 34) and in the process of rasing our own kids, that young lady has already been raised and he wasn't the one rasing her. Am I unreasonable in my thoughts? I dont want to lose my husband and I know he will not abandon this young lady but I'm struggling to find some kind of conclusion. I need advise badly. Sorry for the bad spelling as I'm typing this in a hurry.
I am horribly confused by the
I am horribly confused by the relationship from the get go, is she his daughter or not? If not then wth????? And if it is his daughter then again wth????
You are not unreasonable no matter if she is his kid or not, dumping his family for her is totally not right, you need to either set him straight or send him packing, his choice.
Thanks for your input! I'm
Thanks for your input! I'm just glad someone responed.
She is not his daughter. He
She is not his daughter. He was friends with her mom.
I'm sorry but...
I can't see any other reason for him to spend so much of his time and affection on her. I know you siad she was the product of rape but ... I'd find it hard to believe that he wasn't her father.
The fact that her mother was raped does not eliminate the possibility that she was sleeping with your husband when she got pregnant.
I'd want a DNA test to be sure. If he isn't her father he shouldn't mind setting your mind at rest. Also, asking for a DNA test might make him realize just how inappropriate his investment in her life really is.
She doesn't know his name??
She doesn't know his name?? Why is your husband willing to do so much for this girl?
I have to admit that my first thought is... the baby is his child.
Something is very wrong with this situation.
Has to be
Something going on with this kids mother. You should DNA test this kid and your SO
I have read and re-read this
I have read and re-read this several times and I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. How did your DH meet this girl in the first place? She was four years old when you met him and so she has been on the periphery of your lives all that time? Who is she?
Someone your DH took under his wing as a child? That's a bit creepy. He was friends with her mum? What happened to her dad?
Now she is 17 and has child of her own? Who is the father of her child?
Why does your DH want to support her financially?
I think at the very least your DH owes you some clarity here. Maybe a paternity test would help, but what if he isn't her father? Where does that leave you? What is more, where does that leave her?
I think I would seek some help on this one because something isn't right.
He was friends with her mom
He was friends with her mom when she was a baby and she grew attached to him and him to her. Her bio dad from what I understand raped her mom so of course he is not apart of her life. She just had her baby and the dad is suppose to be some young man she was fooling around with. She supposedly asked him if he wanted a DNA test but im not sure what happened with that. My spouse feels that's what you do for you children support them when support is needed. I cant argue with that because I would and will support my children if they need me. But that is the job of her mother not my husband but of course he doesn't see that.
This would make sense IF your
This would make sense IF your husband consistently acted like a father to this girl. But he does NOT. So... is he a lousy father? Is he flattered by the attention of this young woman? Or is there something else going on??
I'm sorry, OP, but I still feel that something is off here.
His kindness is misplaced- he
His kindness is misplaced- he would have been better talking to this girl about how to prevent babies... the dad is supposedto be some man she was fooling around with??? He doesn't seem to be doing much of a job of looking after her, does he? I hope you have some hold on the family finances and make sure your son gets his share...
Tell your DH there are other people out there who can help this girl- my feeling is he gets a massive ego trip from it.
I'm with the consensus on
I'm with the consensus on this one, something stinks in Denmark. Either he spawned her or he is doing something with her, he might not have done alot in the past for her but it sounds like he has some sort of guilt (responsibility sounds wrong here) about her, I would do as the ladies say and protect yourself, something else is comming down the pipe and it isn't sunshine.
As I said in your other blog,
As I said in your other blog, you need to talk to a lawyer. Get your finances squared away so that he doesn't have access and tell him to go. I question whether or not he is the father of this girls baby. He doesn't support your family financially other than recent disability but is willing to work to support a 17 year old who he has no ties to other than what appears to be a sick infatuation.
I doubt he would get more than supervised visitation with your joint child -- from my perspective he seems like he is preying on this girl.
Can you have an open
Can you have an open conversation with your spouse about this girl? Would it be ok with you if she were a family friend? If your husband fathered her he would have been 16 or 17 when they had her. Is this something he might be ashamed of?