Feeling underappreciated
I'll admit I've been hovering the site for quite a while, and only today I finally created an account because I really don't know where to vent now. (Regular mommy's sites will crtitize stepmoms and Autism forums only ask you to "accept the kid as who he/she is--easier said than done.)
Some background about me. I have been with my partner for about 2 years now. I have a daughter of my own. Before I met my partner I was a single parent. My daughter's dad is not in the picture (which is actually a blessing). My SD is dx as high functioning Autistic combining with ADHD. Boy is 11 in special day class. BM is not that much involved since the dad has full physical and legal custody of the child. (yes, all the good father traits which I appreciated)
Although being a mother, I'm not one with much passion about kids in general. That doesn't mean I hate them or anything, it's really just that kids are not my thing. (Sounds horrible and super selfish to say, I know) Because of this fact, I'm a career woman since being a stay at home mom to deal with kids (even my own) all day will kill me. That's not to say I don't know how to parent though, my daughter has grown to be a very likeable person and very sweet. She's customed to structure and rarely argues. (of course all kids whines at times so she's no exception)
When I first met my partner I thought of him the kindest person in the whole planet (still think so) and such a devoting father he is. When our relationship got more serious, at one point I even offered that perhaps one day I should adopt my SS so that we can provide more stablilty (This doesn't mean I was to stop him from seeing his mom. I truly believe that growing up with both parents is the most ideal for the kids). Anyway, I was all very ready to be there for my man.
Two years after, now that I'm dealing with the child 24/7 and more than 300 days a year, I am only feeling very underappreciated. I guess this week is especially bad because I was left to deal with my SS while my partner is away for his bachelor party :/ As much as I want to be happy for him, I CAN'T.
My SS likes to argue to a trivial degree. I know this is part of the ASD trait, and have been putting in tons of mental effort to remind myself "he doesn't mean it. he doesn't mean it. he doesnt mean it." Over the year I've developed depression and Anxiety because of my unpredictable SS. No he is not a bad kid, and I do know he's trying to behave well. But it's really hard for me to bond because over this whole year our conversation could pretty much be summed up as "Catmiao, Can I have [insert item/food/entertainment]," "Catmiao, Do you know..[insert details of books or movies without context]". Also on top of these, some trantrums, countless lies, wailing crying fits (mostly at the begining of our relatiionship though, has gotten better now), plus yelling and screaming every other day. There has also been occasions where he blocked my way (not to intimidate me but just that he felt I was obligated to listen to his argument), and that he threated me with action to make my life miserable (not to a physically violent level, since he's not violent and still only a boy. the threat itself was silly enough but the intent made my heart cold). Most of these issues are taken care of by my partner afterwards (these all happened when he was not around) but I'd say the damage has been done.
Again I get it, that's all classic ASD behaviors. Since he has no or much less than enough social understanding, he doesn't understand how his actions impact others. I kept telling myself these too, but considering that I was the one to challenage him for the better. The one that voiced for him, the one that pushed his dad to make sure the kid to see the doc when the dad forgets, and the one to take care of the household, also one of the contributor of the household, I can't feel more underappreciated. I mean, THIS IS NOT MY CHILD. His own mother does nothing for him, seeing him less than 2 months for the whole year. On the other hand I'm supposed to pay for him, take him places, throw party for his birthday, and get no thanks.
I guess I'm particularly upset right now because my SS was throwing tears again because the summer camp is not going to take them to places he wanted to (dad forgot to tell him before he left for fun and of course this made me the "bad guy" since I have to annouce this to my ss). What bothers me is my SS' reason to justify the tear is that "he worked hard, but we disappointed him." This totally threw me off. My SS is going to be 6th grade. He doesn't help out much and we didn't require him to do much except to clean his room and take trash out once a week. My 7yo girl does more than the boy and seldom complains. Oh, and she doesn't say "I work hard" either. If we ever ask the boy to help it's often met with arguments. (he will do it after the dad eventually had enough and yell).
My dauther sees me cleaning she would join without being asked. My SS sees me cleaning he would interrupt and asks for my attention to attend his needs.
I'm sorry my vent has run so long. I feel I'm at a point that I really wish I could have nothing to do with this boy anymore. I don't need to share his glory, but I also don't want to appologize for his mistakes (which I contantly have to since he throws tantrums at school too). I can't enjoy any time when the boy is around. There was one point I would hear voices and jump out of bed in the middle of my sleep because I was reallyl stressed out. I'm doing better now but I'm still not enjoying my life as I was when I was single.
I don't know if it's even possible to repair this relationship at all (is it even worth it seriously). I'm just feeling really tired and not looking forward to my weekend alone with the kids. (Feel bad for my daughter because now her mommy is just constantly tired and has very little energy for her 
)
Does your SO know the level
Does your SO know the level of stress & anxiety that you are feeling? Your step sons behavior is affecting you mentally and physically and this is a big problem. Your health and well being come first and if that means you not engaging him than that's what you're going to have to do. Keep in mind that this also affects your daughter. This is your SO child and you seem to be taking the brunt of the responsibility. You need to have a serious talk with him and tell him that he needs to parent his child and be with him at all times because this is literally making you sick.
SS is his responsibility so I would step back and let him know that you will no longer cater to his every whim. Also he should have found someone else to stay with him this weekend. Your health is priority and you shouldn't risk it for anyone, not even your SO.
Wishing you love and light and please place yourself 1st.
He's aware of it
Although I do hope that he doesn't find my post here, most of the stuff I mentioned in my post has been voiced to my partner (so basically, nothing new to the dad). I didn't mention hearing voices though, and since that sympton didn't last long I just wouldn't mention to him at all now. Although my lack of quality sleep definitly affects my life quality
My partner is pretty involving but I am not sure he can fully understand how I truly feel. I get that since I'm a lot more tolerant around my own daughter (even when she's whining hard which my partner probably can't stand lol). And the problem is that he and I probably have different standard about "good days" and "bad days". To me a day full of a 11yo boy's whining is considering bad, to him it might not be "as bad." I don't know, sometimes dads just "can't hear"? XD
To be fair my SS has gotten a lot better now than a year ago, since we've (finally) set structures around him . However it's nowhere near "normal" (possibily never will be).
How did your SO care for his
How did your SO care for his son before you were in the picture? I think you need to majorly dial back the "help" you are providing (including cleaning of the home).
I'm going to be honest, and I'm sorry if I offend anyone, but I don't think I could handle that. Just previous life experiences have left me to a point I can't deal with constant, or even semi-constant stress in my home. I would be a basket case.
You (and your daughter!) should not have to be stressed, exhausted and have to put him #1 all the time. Your lives can't revolve around his special needs.
Sounds like it is time to
Sounds like it is time to allow dad to get reaquainted with his son. Dad is fine with the status quo because.. well who wouldn't be? You need to step back. I would sit down with DH and tell him you are exhausted and need a break. You can pretend its temporary, tell him that you need a month off or you'll have a breakdown. He will be more likely to agree if he thinks he's giving you a month off, what husband wouldn't do that? Take your peaceful month off without responsibility for your SS, enjoy your daughter and then when your husband tries to give it all back in a month, create new rules, don't take it all back, tell him your month off made you realize you need a new plan, that month made you realize how inequitable it has all been. Re-write the rules a month from now. Sneaky.... maybe, but disengaging cold-turkey won't go over well. IMHO
What happens when he throws
What happens when he throws these tantrums? They are unacceptable regardless of disability. He should have to remove himself to his room or other private area. If he refuses to comply - Dad needs to be the heavy. He would not expect any other authority or babysitter to deal with these problems. Dad should be planning parties, telling kid no go on summer camp. You need to place parenting - back on Dad.
To NachoQueen & simifan
@NachoQueen
I actually thought about staying somewhere for a month like you mentioned. when I told my partner about this idea, it made him really sad (he took it as I was to leave him). Plus my daughter is pretty happy to have a father figure at home so I wasn't sure if that (take her away with me for a month) will be good to her either. After all, we all need stability and predictability to feel secured, kids especially. So at the end I didn't do it. (TBH I was also afraid of the idea of "what if I end up liking not living here anymore", do I just ...drop them?)My partner is in full support of me taking short break though...which is what I will do next week after having my SS for the whole weekend this week.......
Another fear I have is that once I am gone most of the rules would be throw out of the window since the dad can't always remember to enforce them. That means more work for me at the end.
I almost sound like I want to let go, but at the same time I don't because I can't/don't want to deal with the consequence of letting go..I'm at a point hoping the kid can just stay with his mom full time (although she's not a fan about education and a bi-polar so it will not be good for my SS), I don't even care about child support now considering the stress I'm having.
@simifan
I think I did a good job with his tamtrum so I usually can end that quickly. i usually will give him a consequence that will be put in effect right away along with another option which encourage better behavior with a good consequence. (e.g. if you choose to keep crying like that you choose to look at this wall for 20 minutes. Or if you choose to calm down you choose to be able to have some music in 20 minutes.) The tantrums are not so hard to control at home but when I'm not around it could get crazy.
I am fully aware of the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown. SS knows he doesn't get away with throwing tantrums so this has decreased a lot over the past year.
You mentioned bachelor party.
You mentioned bachelor party. His??? Does that mean you are getting married soon?? If this is so, then I would seriously consider putting it on hold until you get this straighten out.
You have taken on WAY TOO MUCH for this man and taught him how to be utter helpless with you around. Before you marry him , you need to KNOW and SEE him mangage his son's issues to a satisfactory result. This expectation he has foistered upon you and your daughter is unreasonable and will damage you in the long run; you health, physical and mental, your relationship with your daughter, family and friends, etc.... You will change into a person you won't recognize.
Its all nice and dandy that you want to adopt this kid but I think when you said that, some switch flipped in Dad's head that you were now the mother. Back that train back up and take it off the table.
Slow down and think this through some more. There's a lot of things that are not working right and they need to be fixed before the wedding , not solved with a divorce.
If this were your own kid,
If this were your own kid, you'd still be having these problems. He's not a normal kid, so give yourself a break for feeling overwhelmed.
If you can't trust your husband to enforce the rules you set that are improving SS's behavior, he needs to hear it from someone else so he understands why it's important. Maybe a therapist or support group could help. And you have every right to demand your husband/BF go because you're doing all the heavy lifting now. You can't even get away without worrying SS will revert when there are no rules!
Your husband/BF is worried about you leaving? Good. Use this to your advantage. Let him know you're overwhelmed and you need him to step up and parent and get some help learning how to do it with a therapist. A lot of parents of kids with these problems seek professional help to keep their sanity and help the kid be their best. Your husband/BF should too.
The principal tells you all the details about SS's troubled behavior because you're the parent doing something about it. She just wants the problem fixed. You should both meet with the principal, let your husband respond first, and if he doesn't, step in and let the principal know you're trying to show your husband how to parent a kid like this. Put the burden back on the parent.
You sound like you're really a good parent. It's a much harder job when you do it right, as you can see from your husband's performance (and BM's). You will burn out way too soon if you don't get some help. Let a professional help your husband and let your husband help his son -- he needs to take more responsibility with his son.
If your husband/BF can't or won't learn how to parent a kid with autism by getting professional help, or if he gets it and still slacks where his son is concerned, then you need to think about leaving and not look back.
Oh, and forget about BM. She can take him so you get a breather, but she has her own problems preventing long-term care of him, so SS is likely to end up back in your lap anyway. Work with what you have going for you -- his dad. If that fails, you can walk with a good conscience and figure out how to help your daughter get along with only one parent. You're a great mom, so I think she'll flourish in spite of not having a dad there daily.
You have
To understand that these kids may be with you for the rest of your life. They may never be able to live on there own. This definitely can happen. How are you going to deal with a 30 yo doing this .?
Thank you all
First of all I survived this weekend with the kids. I really appreciate that there is Steptalk for me to vent and the feeling of having people on my side. You guys are so helpful and supportive.
I want to clarify a few things. My partner is NOT the kind of father that doesn't get involved or would tolerate disrespectful behaviors (towards anyone). It's just that a lot of time these happen when my partner is not around and I end up dealing with the morning schedules and all (he has to leave early for work, but he comes home early and pick up the kids and prepare meals --since I don't like to cook and his son is super picky.). I'm all for no double punishment for the same offense so that means I will have to deal with those offenses right on the spot -_- (sort of like training animals) The dad and I are mostly on the same page so I consider myself one of the lucky ones. To be honest the dad doesn't stay late intentionally just to avoid dealing his son. On the contrary, he has sacrifice many opportunities of hanging out with friends and colleagues. And that's why although I was dreading dealing with his son alone for his bachelor party, I did still want him to enjoy the rare occasion that he was able to be "free." ( I was able to handle all on my own without calling him to get his son straighten up this time. Not that I enjoy spending time with my SS but I'm proud of myself XD)
But again, no offense to any men on the site. It's just my opinion that men are not the best to "remember" what they said/promised and therefore cannot always enforce the rules they laid out. (At least my partner has this problem, and he is fully aware of it.) For example my ss could be grounded from video games for one Saturday, but after being nice and respectful for the Saturday morning he would try to ask his dad whether he can play video games after his chores. And you guessed it, sometimes Dad forgets and my ss got away with it from time to time. Although I understand all kids play this trick on adults (my daughter included), the frequency my ss is doing this crap is amazingly high. I could probably explain/blame it away on his ADHD but I'm sure not entertained by this behavior, at all.
Another problem is sometimes the father son pair just aren't the best at communicating at each other. I fully understand it's not my job to interpret for them, but I hate to see a dedicated father being misunderstood by his son. TBH i feel their communication has gotten worse and worse and I truly hope that we will be able to get professional help this year. (We almost got it last year but the provider couldn't figure the schedule out :/ I really wanted to strangle them when I learned that) Basically now their communication pattern has been like this: if dad doesn't raise his voice, son won't listen. If dad raises his voice, son will accuse dad of "yelling at him." This can continue for a good 20-30 minutes without any meaningful thought passed in between. I don't always get involved but it's just not a comfortable situation for anyone in the house to be around.
And the last bit of the sad truth. Perhaps my SS will never be able to support himself. Matter of fact if he doesn't start changing and continue to do what he does now (arguing, lying, and manipulations) he will never be able to achieve anything or even have a friend. My partner and I are on the same team of NOT supporting unmotivated adult children. I don't know what options we have if this eventually happens, but I tend not to think about it now. I truly hope the kid will start seeing how much damage he is doing to himself.
And BM is of course no help. I have no expectation of her. She was only trying to get full custody so she can get child support. (she doesn't have CS now because SS is with us all the time) BM is the one that also manipulate and lies. She's already remarried (got knocked up by another man before they even divorced) and has another child. I don't think the woman ever really knows how to "take care" of anyone because she's also the self-centered type of person. On our end we don't say more than we need to with her. There's no need for unnecessary drama.