Wife went out of town, left me with skid when I asked her not to
My wife is out of town for the week to attend training for a new job. We discussed her making plans for SD15 to stay at a relatives for the week since my relationship with sd has been more and more rocky lately as her attitude gets worse and worse. I am mostly hands off but sometimes I will ask her to do simple things like change the bedding for her small animal or do the dishes. She has to be told multiple times to do things and gets a major attitude when I force it. I was looking forward to the peace and quiet while my wife was gone but she never made any arrangements so now I’m stuck .We just argued about it and she doesn’t understand why I don’t want sd here when she’s out of town. She says it’s sd house too and she doesn’t want to have to explain to relatives that that she needs to leave the house because I don’t want her around. Am I being unreasonable?
The father is a deadbeat. We
The father is a deadbeat. We have the skid full time. I didn’t ask, I told her that I would rather not be around sd since I don’t like her very much at the moment. I thought I made myself clear. It’s my house, I bought it before we were married but we moved in together. I threw a big fuss about her still being here when I got home from work. She said she tried but couldn’t make any arrangement for her. She could have gone to her grandmothers house but sd doesn’t like it there so wife didn’t even call. I forgot to mention she has a friend staying over and they kept me up last night with the noise. Wife is putting a guilt trip on me like I’m the bad guy for not wanting this.
I think we posted at the same
I think we posted at the same time.
Skid goes to grandma, skid's friend goes home. You are not the fecking nanny, or a doormat. Take a stand now buddy, or things will get worse.
Idle curiosity
This is just idle curiosity, but did the other girl's parents know that your wife would not be there for the sleepover?
Have SD pack up some
Have SD pack up some belongings and drive her to Grandmas house. Once you arrive just tell her that your wife asked if she can stay until she gets back from training and that its a great idea so they can spend quality bonding time together and its a wrap.
You have a wife problem, sir.
You have a wife problem, sir.
Take the kid to her dad's, or a relative, or whomever. Then text your wife that you have followed through on what she was supposed to do, and go radio silent for the rest of the week. Do not respond to her.
When she gets home, tell her she'd better NEVER put you in that position again; that you are not a built in babysitter but her husband, and deserve respect; and that both of you deserve a break from her bratty teen.
I’ve been in sd’s life since
I’ve been in sd’s life since she was 8 years old. I think my wife is comfortable enough with me at this point to know I’m not a creeper.
Don't ever fully trust this
Don't ever fully trust this sick step situation you are in. YOU will get burned; think you are already feeling the heat. You will learn after a few of these imposed experiences to protect yourself, as nobody else will do that for you.
Invite her friends over
and party
And while they do, get out of there and don't tell your wife.
You can’t do anything about
You can’t do anything about it this time but next time put SD in a camp or something. And when DW returns have a serious talk with her.
The thing is, I don’t love
The thing is, I don’t love this child, not even in the least bit. I care about her well being but I don’t love her. I feel like a terrible person because of it. I can’t stand to be around her for any extended period of time. I’m not mean or cruel to her, I’m just indifferent. It gives me anxiety to be around her too long because I don’t love her and it makes me feel guilty. Can anyone relate? I’ve talked to my mom about this, she says ‘well you know what you were getting into when you married her’
This is normal I think. I
This is normal I think. I have read that it is common that stepparents do not love stepkids. The expectation that we will love them in unfair if you think about it. They are not ours. They do not look like us. We did not raise them in most cases. They know they are not ours. They act weird. They smell weird. (I always say this and I know some people will think it odd, but that is one thing I can never get past about my stepson. It isn't that he stinks in a way that would cause the school to question his hygiene, but he just has this overwhelming "this kid is not yours and should go" smell. Maybe I am just an animal, I don't know.) How can we possibly be expected off hand to love these kids who are not ours but are sent into our homes to use up our resources, which for some of us, we are biologically programmed to safeguard for our own kids? Stepkids are a biological disaster. I wish I reasearched this more before I dated someone with a kid. The odds of coming to love the kid are about the same as coming to love your kids' friends, the neighbor kids, or any other kid you might spend time with. If the personality meshes with yours, then ok, maybe it can happen. If not, then the odds are not good. This does not mean we are mean people or something is wrong. This is normal if you think about it.
Another thing is, your mom's reaction does not surprise me. I find that many people who do not have stepkids can never understand what we are going through. They think we knew going in what we were getting into, but there is no possible way we could have. All of our stepkids are older now than they were when we met our partners. They have grown and changed, some not for the better. We may come in with optimism and enthusiasm and then lose that completely over the years when we realize that nothing we planned is going to work because the reality of the situation is much different than we had pictured. We are nearly always sold an idealized image of the kid. No parent will ever say, "Yes, my child is a horrifying brat who will make your life terrible from start to finish. Will you marry me?" even if that is the truth. How can we possibly know what we were getting into? No one can know this fully with anything, but this is more so even than most things since there are people we have relatively little influence over involved quite elaborately.
Thank you, this made me feel
Thank you, this made me feel so much better. Your first paragraph summed up my feelings in words better than I could have, made me laugh too.
This is normal I think. I
^^THIS^^
As a recovered SKid since 1980, BELIEVE me, to a SKid, SParents are also a bit "off" for what the family knows. They come in like The New Sheriff In Town... They are nice when they want to get on your good side... They are sometimes aloof and judgmental, can be hurtful with their frankness. Ohh, I did NOT like my SMom at first - my brother despises her to this day (actually, despises is a weak word for how he feels). Alas, I can't change his view...
FF to today, I STILL remember how my SMom treated me - the seeming dual personalities when dad was in the room - and when he wasn't. I remember how my dad jumped right on her side every time there was a discrepancy between her and me and how that hurt his and my relationship - and how much I wanted to move out as soon as I could. She was pretty awful sometimes, though in retrospect, I'm pretty sure I was pretty awful as well. But it was MY home, and SHE came over... and SHE needed to fit. Or so I thought... dad showed me that I was mistaken on that, so I joined the Marine Corps so they could have their little wholesome family, THEIR way.
Years later, I got a taste of SParenting on some occasions, dating divorced moms and such. It's tough on both sides of the fence.
As a SDad now, a contentedly disengaged one, I agree, it's taking different puzzle pieces and putting them together. Not that the pieces won't fit, but THE PIECES DON'T WANT TO FIT. I didn't want my SMom to fit to me, nor did I want to fit to her. Her cooking wasn't very good, her way of running things felt almost like everything for me was matter-of-fact while her kids got free pass after free pass... Clearly, she loved her kids and didn't love me. And clearly, she had pulled dad to her side of the pool. I was pushed further away, and I could either give up, or I could be my own guy. Here I am.
Thing is, NOW, as the SDad, it's not working for me to engage because DW won't support me as SDad, so I had to stop trying. "Rock on, girl... Your kids are rejecting me, you're allowing it, and the seeds of bitter resentment have been sown. Come harvest, let's see how your plan works out because you're teaching your kids it's OK to be disrespectful turds. I predict a very bitter harvest." Their taste in foods obviously revolve around *who offered it* - where if I offered one thing, maybe they'll try it... half the time it's "NO THANK YOU. I'M NOT HUNGRY." Closed eyes, all the body language, they don't want to give me a chance. Cool, so I'm becoming the lone wolf at the house.
These kids don't like me, don't want anything to do with me, and have ostracized me in most ways. They'll lose out, and I'll enjoy watching that. Looking forward to the day they need me for something and I'll say, "Remember ALLLLL those times you shunned me and slapped me down, dissed me when I wasn't around, and talked trash about me to your dad? Can you give me one good reason you deserve ANYTHING from me, you ungrateful little heathens?"
But with a little luck, they'll go off to college or something, and when they come back after having to actually do something on their own, they'll see all the stuff I have done. Maybe they'll open up and actually care. And maybe I'll re-engage. But at this point, they can both go fly a kite in a thunderstorm...
It’s normal. I was open to
It’s normal. I was open to loving skids but they were so unkind to me and DD that I can honestly say I hate my skids too.
What is a deadbeat in your
What is a deadbeat in your wifes opinion?
Does dad pay child support of any amount per the court order?
He’s in arrears, pays just
He’s in arrears, pays just enough every month to stop the state from garnishing his wages.
Forget about the "you knew
Forget about the "you knew what you were getting into" bit. It's just noise!
I don't agree that one person owns the house after marriage. Marriage kind of makes your problems hers and her problems yours, as is the case right now, and if you let them live there, so yes, it's SD's house.
That doesn't mean your wife shouldn't have tried to mitigate this week's frustration for you. Try not to feel guilty for not loving SD -- you can't help how you feel, period. Your responsibility is what you're doing: caring about SD's well being, safety, etc., but you can't force a connection that isn't there. The guilt about not loving is also just noise! Resist it!
But knowing the problems between you, it would have been practical for your wife to find another situation for SD this week, rather than making SD your problem, plus one. You're already stuck this week, so take the girls to the movies to get some peace, tell them lights out at whatever time you need them to be "off." Tell them they don't have to sleep, but they need to be quiet. If they keep up, threaten to send the other kid home. If they keep up, do it. Take them to the grandparents' house for a day. Farm them out wherever you can that is safe for them.
Your wife left you in charge, so do what you need to do to keep your sanity and order. Parent the way you think SD needs to be parented. You can sort it out when your wife gets back. If it's goes really well, you'll end up babysitting all the time, so don't be too casual.
When your wife returns, that's the time to negotiate how similar situations will be handled in the future. There is nothing wrong with SD going to the grandparents' house, even if it's not fun for her. They are her family and they will look after her. And it would be more fair to you. If not there, maybe camp or a school program. If your wife bulks, you might have to be clear that you find SD unmanageable, so if she's not going to parent, certainly you shouldn't have to parent, especially with the diminished authority and respect a stepparent has.
Excellent advice, thank you.
Excellent advice, thank you. You guys are great. This is like a free therapy session.
You are now the de facto
You are now the de facto parent. Make the SD clean up her room, do the dishes, do her laundry, pull weeds, whatever other chores are part of running a normal household in a week. Make sure she is safe, fed, etc., of course, but enough work and hassle that she won't want to ever stay with just you.
Something to think about in addition BUT tied to your situation:
1. Wife should go back to court for garnishment. Why hasn't she held bio dad accountable especially when he is in arrears. Hey I get it, if bio dad lost a job, THEN found a new job OR bio dad was ill or injured and couldn't work your wife should be compassionate within reason.
2. Since your wife refuses to hold bio dad accountable she is using YOU to pick up the slack. She proved that with going out of town without proper plans for "her' and ex's child. It was assumed and executed that you would do it.
Now--as she was walking out the door with her luggage--YOU should have scooted past her with your bag. "Darling Wife--have a good trip, I WILL TOO...maybe we can chat tonight. Buhhh byeeeee.
By the way who is taking care of your son...is bio dad.? LOVE YOU BABE
----------------------------
There are step parents who agree to supervise their spouses child in their absence. Some do not. There is not right or wrong here. BUT what does matter is it must be agreed upon.
***What was not ok also is this..
Bio dad should have been telephoned first by your wife to see if his child could spend this extra time at bio dads place. He is not a deadbeat. A CRACKHEAD/METH Head or habitual drunk are dead beats. Or a guy who took off and never paid 1cent to support his child IF he knew the baby was around. But a dad in arrears pffttt......There is always more to that story especially when no reports of drug use, or alcohol use (you would have said something).
Coming back full circle--remember your wife CAN ask the court or child support agency to garnish her ex's wages IF she really wanted or needed the money. Chances are high they will grant it. Hell garnishments are handed out like candy to never missed a payment ncp's.
But then again she has you to shell out money AND watch their child.
Please do not be a doormat AND do not allow anyone to make you feel bad about standing up for yourself.
GOODLUCK
I totally relate. My SD is
I totally relate. My SD is also 15 and we have had a rocky few years with her attitude and my DH's inability to say no or enforce anything. It came to a head over a situation last year where it was her weekend at her mom's, our boys were on a school trip, and DH was working all day on Saturday. My skids were leaving on a trip with their mom the following Monday, so Bm offered to let SD spend the night st our house that Friday night so DH could *spend time* with her before the trip. He mentioned it to me a few days beforehand, and I said I had no problem with her coming Friday evening to hang out, but I had been looking forward to a Saturday home alone literally for months, so I didn't want her to spend the night. He said he hadn't committed to anything. That Friday at 5 pm he called on his way home from work to tell me he was picking up SD to spend the night and her mom would pick her up on sometime on Saturday. I almost lost it, but I bottle things up when i am upset so I did my own thing and kept my distance. DH confronted me later that evening, I tried to explain why I was upset, he got defensive, and we fought. All I really remember is him calling me selfish, at which point I packed up some things and my dog and went to stay at my old house we were fixing up to sell. Unfortunately SD heard us fighting, not sure how much but enough to lead her to believe I don't want her here. That is not exactly the case, it is true I wanted the next day to myself as expected, but the thing that really had me upset was that DH totally disregarded me. That night made our situation even more rocky, she pulled back because of it which made DH want to cater to her even more. We finally started seeing a marriage counselor a couple months ago. She has not solved our problems, but it has allowed DH and I to hear each other and to think about things a little differently. We are trying. I can say I love SD and I want the best for her but i don't enjoy spending time with her. I feel guilty about that, and having her here makes me uncomfortable because we don't have much of a relationship. I do have empathy for her feelings, but her attitude and the way she acts a lot of the time make a it hard to want to put in the effort to reach out. I am really not sure she would want me to. Being a stepparent is way harder than I expected I had 2 stepmoms and 2 stepdads growing up, so I thought I had it figured out. It is a different view from this side of the table, I really had no idea. I just wanted to let you know you aren't the only one who has felt this way I hope it gets better!