Help with adult Skid, next steps?
Background story (simplified, but still kinda long) - My BF and I lived together briefly with his two children (girls and at the time 19 and 17ish and he had full custody). During this time, the oldest was taking and using my things w/o permission and lying about it. The youngest one (and she was/is under a lot of therapy and medications) kicked me in my face after being told I don't want her mother up in my room. I did call the police on her. There were other things, but the end of that period of living there happened when I had an argument with my BF and went to my office and vented by writing things down in a notebook. The youngest went into my office and read those things and wrote her opinions on them. When I found this I told my BF and he confronted her and she lied. He claimed he didn't know what to believe and I moved out. We stayed together, but in separate housing.
Fast forward 2 years later, BF and I decided to try again now that kids are adults. I said I will not live with youngest. She has not done anything since graduating HS, and therapist stopped seeing her because she refused to do anything for herself (among other issues). BF told youngest that she has to move out (with mom or grandparents - she will not be homeless, but living with her enablers). She immediately threatened suicide (a typical response for her) which BF states I will call police if you feel that way. Then writes letter and inadvertently confessed to her lies by insisting I own an apology and how terrible I am for saying the things I did (in my private venting). Then reverted back to saying she didn't do it when confronted by BF. She also brings up all the time how I called the police on her.
My BF and I are working things out OK for our relationship and what this did. We will be getting married in a year or so.
In the end, I think it may have really opened his eyes about his daughters behavior towards me (and in general towards the world) and my intolerance of it.
My question is - what do I do about the youngest? Write her (I'm afraid of an in person thing at this time due to physical violence on me and herself), let it go, what? I have a few months until I move there, so time is on my side, but I'm so worried about this situation that my stomach is upset everyday. The oldest I feel I can have a face to face conversation with her about previous behaviors and her (hopefully) new maturity levels.
Personally wouldn't set foot
Personally wouldn't set foot in there unless I had iron clad proof that neither Skid would be around, a legal document not just empty promises.
Why would you need to write
Why would you need to write her or have a face to face with her?
Personally, I wouldn't want anything to do with either one of them.
You aren't going to make any
You aren't going to make any progress with the youngest, so write her off.
Do not contact her, do not explain yourself to her.
I had a similar situation with my SD where she first slapped me and then at a later time physically attacked me.
In both instances the police were involved.
She is currently at a secure centre (juvenile prison) after two incidents at school where she first got into a fight with another student and then slapped a teacher who called her to order, breaking her glasses and cutting her face.
She has also threatened suicide when charges were pressed.
I would be hesitant to marry someone with a problematic adult child like this if your BF does not have a firm stand on your SD's behaviour.
Do not bother to make any approaches to that disturbed adult SD.
If your BF does not respect your decision in this and if he doesn't support you, respect yourself enough to cut ties with him.
BE CAREFUL
please document everything. Leave notes and journals with an intrusted friend. I tell you this because I had a very long goodfriend friend from school that never thought anything would happen to her and she had all under control. Well she ended up "dead" due to "suicide" There is NO WAY!!!!! i am telling you no way and her family friends said no way but there is not enough proof. just he said and words. please be careful
Are you sure you want to
Are you sure you want to marry this man and get involved with this mess that clearly has not been remedied? I would not contact the daughter and completely disengage. Please reconsider living with this man and continuing in this relationship with his toxic daughters.
Yep- run for the hills! Do
Yep- run for the hills! Do not marry this man until he has sorted out his daughter issue...but you may be waiting some time.
If you are set on attaching
If you are set on attaching yourself to a lifetime of dysfunction and strife, then at least forego moving in with your bf until his daughter has been out of his home and firmly established elsewhere for a good period of time. You need to be sure that the move is permanent, that your bf has adjusted fully to not having his kids living with him, and that all the drama dust has settled.
This change should not be about you moving in together, as that positions you as the villain who forced poor SD out. It should be kept between parent and adult child.
I would need a lot of assurances before dipping a toe back in that murky, shark-filled water. Such as, what happens if his daughter(s) run out of people to mooch off of? Will they be allowed to move back in when they have the inevitable emergency? Will dad be enabling them with $$$? Will they be allowed to visit? How will he handle it when they/she gets knocked up? Does he plan to seek custody of the grandkids that SD will pop out and try to dump on you?
The period between ages 18 - 22 can be challenging for parents with normal kids, and these skids are anything but. I think you are being hasty in moving back in with your bf at this time, and your stomach is trying to warn you. Things are in a state of flux for your bf, and will be for a while. So much about this is beyond your control, yet could potentially make you miserable. I wouldn't be moving in or planning a wedding for some time.
Oh my gosh. WHY are you
Oh my gosh. WHY are you considering moving back in? You know what frequently happens when young adults move out? They can't make it (money, housing costs, abusive relationship, addiction, job loss, etc.) and move back in. It's a tough, tough age even in the best of circumstances. My OWN moved back in with me, and so did DH's youngest. That was after we delayed our wedding and moving in together until they were "safely" off at college for a year. Haha. We had two 20-somethings under foot, each one bringing their own drama.
If you do this, and I really hope you don't under these circumstances, have an escape plan for when she comes crying back to daddy that everybody is mean and the only place she is safe is at home with him.
.
My DH's son is as pathetic a
My DH's son is as pathetic a worthless violent ahole as your skid to be.
But your relationship can only work IF AND ONLY IF your BF will agree to keep her 100% away from you. IF AND ONLY IF (I was a math major so that is an important phrase) you can move in with your BF and NEVER see her again then you have a chance.
That does not mean that he never sees her again. It means that he does not inflict this POS on you in any way. Nor does he squander his resources on taking care of her. He can see her - but not in your home. He does not give her gobs of money because she is worthless.
As I mentioned above my husband's son is just a worthless POS. He's been homeless, jobless and even in jail. His GFs have been skank hos. But my DH has never tried to move SS in. TBH I control our finances (I have lots more money) so DH has never had money to go bail out SS. But SS's mother is very financially stable. She's a very financially conservative person who has worked at the same place for over 30 years in a well paid professional job. She has lots of savings and discretionary income - but I will give her credit - she doesn't "help" SS either. He's left to clean up his own mess.
"IF AND ONLY IF (I was a math
"IF AND ONLY IF (I was a math major so that is an important phrase) " Ha - me too! That's what I got my degree in. Certain statements are to be taken very seriously and that is one of them.
Oh, you've all flashed me
Oh, you've all flashed me back to college statistics! But it's a good application here!
Glad you got it!
Glad you got it! I loved being a math major. Most tests were open book, and I never had to write a paper in a math class.
I would just disengage from
I would just disengage from both of the adult soon to be step-nightmares. I would not waste my time in trying to place nice with these mean girls, especially the physically violent one. I would never want to be in the same building or town as her. She sounds like a lunatic.
Moving into a place that you and BF can call your and his place that is neutral and not the place the mean girls grew up in will most likely keep them away from going through your things. They should not have keys or alarm codes to where you live after moving in with your BF. The best thing DH and I did was that he sold the home the adult skids barged into, took things from and made our lives hell at. DH and I have a place further away that was my place from the beginning. Skids will never, ever be allowed to make our live hell there. You need to feel safe in your home, period.
I use to think the adult skids would be less nasty and more accepting of our marriage as they got older. Well, guess what? Nope, they are worse, and the hate, dagger eye stares, rude comments and like continue.
Good luck
Follow Up
First - thank you for your thoughts, Some of these were quiet helpful and insightful. I feel that my BF (in the entire time I've known him) has never said anything he didn't mean and follow up with, basically he is a man of his word. So, I feel confident with his support at this time and his understanding of his daughter's behavior. Especially recently, he comes to my defence when talking with youngest and her complaining about the police and whatevers - telling her that she did what she did and not giving her an out.
The youngest is particularly unique in that she doesn't have any friends, doesn't go out anywhere, never had a BF, doesn't drive - so when I say she doesn't do anything - I mean nothing except video games and read I think. Her entire social circle is mom, an aunt, dad, sister and grandparents. Aunt, Mom and sometimes GPs are enablers, drive her around, pay for extra things, allow her to do nothing etc. BF is not so great at this as well, but has tried repeatedly to get her into programs and etc to motivate her and get her some life skills. As I side note here, I told BF that he has to talk to enablers and let them know that he confirmed that youngest did what she did.
BF's family is actually pretty decent, kind and haven't treated me poorly even under all these circumstances. I did ask BF to talk with them and confirm that she did what she did and she's been lying for the past few years. They can come to their own impressions, but I'm not going to be the one that lied about the youngests behavior when I didn't.
The oldest has some skills and is graduating college and etc. We've interacted since then and it has gone fine. Not great, not bad. Just regular. I can live with that. She also got busted a while back shoplifting and it seems like that was a HUGE motivator in her waking up to her BS.
Absolutely wait until she out
Absolutely wait until she out for six months or so before moving back in. Even then, it's a risk. But remember how hard it was to move out the first time.