“She’s just a child...”
This is DH’s response so far this summer in regards to speaking to skid and her continually inserting BM into our lives - while in our home.
Not exaggerating. She is constantly “My Mom...”
Skid is going to be 12 in a few months, and while yes she IS a “child,” she’s also pretty much a pre-teen. I’m 99% sure she is aware of it, and that it will only get worse in the coming years. Also, BM is only a mom in the noun sense, not the verb sense, so it’s a little odd that skid would go on and on and on about BM.
I’m pretty perturbed that DH wants to play this card with me.
What are your thoughts?
** Keep in mind, DH is totally against me saying anything negative to skid about this. I cannot tell her to stop, refrain from talking about BM in our house because NO ONE CARES, etcetera.
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Walk away...
Every time she brings her up. Act like she disnt even say anything.
Start talking about YOUR mom.
Start talking about YOUR mom. Make up stories if you have to and can't remember stuff. Use plots from TV shows. LOL one up her mom with your mom. You can win this one if you really apply your creativity to the limits DH put on you. Jerkface.
Ahhhh, dying. Too funny.
Ahhhh, dying. Too funny.
This is what I do when SS is
This is what I do when SS is in the mood to talk about how great BM is. SS adores my mom so it almost always works.
Thanks - I totally need to
Thanks - I totally need to work on this being white noise.
Skid is the queen of “Remember when...” She pulled this on Father’s Day in our kitchen. As soon as I heard her doing this with DH, I spun around and walked back outside.
"Remember When. . ."
. . .(insert something mundane that happened when SD wasn't around."
Is SD out of school and doing
Is SD out of school and doing nothing much more than spending a boring day after day hanging at BM's with BM?
I don't know how often you have SD, if it's 50/50 her 'Mom this', and 'Mom that' would drive me a bit nuts after about an hour. I'd have no troubles telling kiddo time to change the subject. If you have her something like EOWE, I'd be a bit more tolerant (depending on what she is yakking about Mom').
Again, not sure how often you have her. If she was one of the skids that comes basically all summer and very little during the school year (long distance, example) I'd assume the kid isn't meaning any harm , just really has little else to rattle about. In those cases and her age of still eleven, she doesn't have much of a social life yet and her majority of time is spent with the person she's yakking about.
With all that said, for me it mainly would depend on what she is saying. If she's telling you you do this and that 'wrong' because Mom does it blah blah, she'd be told (politely) to STFU.
Or if the kid is solely purposely doing it to annoy you (knowing full well you don't want to hear about GUBM and what a MOTY she is) I'd look at Sd and say 'Sweetie, breathe, you'll pass out from lack of air intake' and then walk off until her topic became suitable for the setting she is in, your home.
We live far, FAR away from
We live far, FAR away from skid and BM, so skid is here for summer visitation. Summer visitation is supposed to be 6 weeks, but it ends up being more like 8+ weeks. We have her every Christmas break, too, for 3 weeks, when it’s supposed to be every other Christmas, but you know... BM lives for her skid-free time as much as humanly possible - even throughout the rest of the year.
Skid is VERY socialized. This, too, keeps skid out of BM’s hair.
And it’s not a matter of skid missing BM (because that concept has crossed my mind), because skid starts right in the moment her plane lands till the moment she leaves.
It’s weird. I think a lot of it is intentional and it frightens the living daylights out of me to think what it will be like in the years to come. It’s like she doesn’t want my DH to forget about BM, oddly. I don’t know how else to explain it.
Oh, that's right. Your the
Oh, that's right. Your the one with the SD who is a secret she's on her way or when she is to arrive and she gets transported by the paternal grandparents. Correct?
Meh, go with STFU. She's there to visit Dad and your home. If you wanted to hear about non-stop BM, you'd invite her for the six weeks too.
She'd get a couple of days to rattle on and then my patience would go out the window. Every time she brought up Mom, I'd talk right over her about 'you know your father and I always go/do _____ which is sooooo much fun ' , 'baby sibling is going to start ______' Bore her to tears with nonsense chatter. Let you see how annoying it is.
I don't mind white noise. I am ADD. I can tune it right out. But even I can't shut out certain subjects that are repeatedly shoved in my face and rattled on and on about.
Yes! I used to know, and be
Yes! I used to know, and be included... mostly, but now I’m not - since I’m disengaged and all. It’s a withholding game to my in-laws.
I wish I could tell her to STFU, or that no one hear cares to hear about BM, but my DH would lose it, unfortunately. My in-laws would come unglued, too.
Let them come unglued. It
Let them come unglued. It won't kill them. Are you afraid of your DH? Why? Do you have to say "how high" when he says jump?
Believe me, I want to,
Believe me, I want to, because seriously what’s the worst that can happen?
At best, it would be the final straw in my riff with my in-laws and they’d not want to come around so much anymore - if at all, making disengagement all the easier. That would be an absolute win for me. DH would be pissed, but at that point it has been said and there’s no taking it back. Maybe then he’d come to grips that I - AM - DONE.
No, I’m not scared of DH. I’m just respectful and considerate of others to a fault, even if it means I suffer somehow in the process. I also try to pick my battles carefully.
You have to get DH to wake up
You have to get DH to wake up. Skids used to do this and he had a talk with skids. They haven’t done this since. The reasoning is that skid needs to realize that she has two families. This family does not need to hear about her mother.
Thanks, Areyou!
Thanks, Areyou!
DH has addressed this, several times if not more since I’ve come into the picture. So, she ultimately knows. It’s as if he’s throwing his hands up in the air with this lame excuse, though, and it sucks.
Momjeans so sorry that she
Momjeans so sorry that she continues the behavior despite it being addressed several times. You need to do something drastic to make her stop. ugh!
"That's nice." "That's nice.
"That's nice." "That's nice." "That's nice." "That's nice." Ad infinitum
After my GU text
I got blasted by said HC GU BM, and after inquiring as to HOW exactly she can possibly accuse me of Child Abuse, it came out that I had mentioned how I did not really appreciate Munchkin SD12 talking about her mother. I asked SOs opinion and he felt like it WAS a form of abuse that hurt the child that she couldnt feel free to talk about the same woman that beat her sister in front of her, spends all her time texting to and talking about her many men, who has told me and SO over and over again over the ENTIRE 4 years what a horrible person I am.
I disagree. I dont really want that horrible woman to have any airspace in my home, I think its really basic or at least it should be. And I am not backing down after this horrible person just recently called me a c#nt and b!tch. I REALLY do not want to hear any awesome stories of the GOLDEN UTERUS (there I said it and am not sorry!).
So these are all great ways to deal with it, if there hasnt realy been any letup, just interrupt with your own stories of whatever.
I often wonder if DH is
I often wonder if DH is afraid of getting blasted by BM, as she is the queen of sending wannabe scathing emails. I get a kick out reading them, but I know he dislikes receiving them. I can totally see the act of trying to shut it down upsetting skid, and skid telling BM. BM would then try to pull the whole “You must have skid believing I’m still relevant, out of respect to me, and her!”
BM is a high conflict, golden uterus having queen B. DH cannot stand her in the least. He thinks she a terrible human being.
Preteens are not too young to
Preteens are not too young to get schooled on what is appropriate conversation and what isn't. What, does she intend to prattle on about her period endlessly when she gets that, too? (Or if she got her period already, does she go on and on about it?) I don't talk to my boss about my sore boobs because that's not appropriate. Skid doesn't need to talk about BM on and on because it's not appropriate. Your DH should consider this a learning opportunity.
Preteens are not too young to
This is my opinion on the whole thing, too.
At skid’s age, I was not above reproach to be told how something is. Especially when it was coming from my mom or dad. Sometimes my maternal grandmother.
They all handle her with kids gloves, for their own varying reasons. In the big picture, and in a roundabout way, they’re creating a monster. BM is a monster, and I have zero desire to relive the epic BS she has pulled and got away with.
Have you tried this? When you
Have you tried this? When you are alone with her and she starts up the mom talk, shut her down, telling her to stop, YOU don't want to hear about her mother, then when she brings it up to DH, deny you did it, because you wouldn't do that because HE told you not too????? Skids pull that crap all the time. If you could win at that one, it would send a power message to SD, and that is that she just lost some.
I’m rarely alone one-on-one
I’m rarely alone one-on-one with her, but it has definitely crossed my mind to heed the moment to shut her down in a firm way, if I was and she brought up BM. And I’d totally deny it to DH, too. I look forward to doing this one day.
What would you have him do?
What would you have him do? "Daughter you’re not allowed to talk about your mom."
Seriously I don't see you being able to discipline this out without being a bad guy.
Practice these words, “That’s nice.” Then move on. The child’s 12 and in at an age where identity is being formed.
You say mom is only a noun and not an action? Does that mean mom’s not involved? Wow that must be hard on a preteen girl.
Does she stay with mom and mom does it one way while you guys do it another? “That’s nice honey but our home our rules now behave or else”
You just don’t want to hear about it? Well to a degree you’re going to. It’s fine to divert the conversation to something else or start to have some serious conversations. I don’t know it’s kind of hard to tell what’s going on.
What I will say is that you do have a problem with your partner. The fact that you have no say at all is an issue. This whole “my mom” thing seems to be the scapegoat instead of dealing with the fact that you’re not satisfied with how your home is being run. If you’re not able to parent then your partner needs to do it all and you need to disengage. If that’s impossible then consider if you this is the way you want to live.
I’ve addressed a lot of your
I’ve addressed a lot of your questions in my above responses.
Without a doubt I have a spouse problem. What I would “have him do” is respond to her like he has in the past (also see above), but that has gone by the wayside for whatever reason.
And no, I really don’t want to hear “My Mom...” in the home that I keep when I am not extended the respect and courtesy most emotionally grounded spouses give to one another. My DH is well aware where I stand. He’s just choosing to bury his head in the sand, playing the “She’s just a child” card. I can see where he’s hoping to go with this. Probably for years to come, too.
I would so want to say "Let's
I would so want to say "Let's talk about something interesting" every time there was a mention of Mom.
Momjeans, I wish you luck this summer. Between the in-laws and the skid, I don't know how you do it.
That’s a great response to
That’s a great response to use!
I might be weird, but this
I might be weird, but this sort of thing amused me more than it bothered me.Maybe my SD didn't do it as much as yours but I just never cared. It was actually quite hilarious when she would say things to suggest how smart her mother was. And sometimes, she told us things that I'm sure BM would rather she had not, which was very amusing. Nine times out of ten, she just reinforced that BM was every bit of a loser as I knew that she was.
One poster once said they would ask their step kid question after question about BM, to the point that it made the kid uncomfortable. Maybe try that.
What kinds of things does she say about BM? She may be trying to create a mother figure that she doesn't really have, but wishes that she did. My SD did that, as well. "BM took me to the park, BM did my nails, blah, blah, blah." Never happened.
In the beginning, it DID
In the beginning, it DID secretly amuse me, because like your experience with it, skid often said things that contradicted something BM said or did, or was something BM most likely wouldn’t want DH to know. Most of it, though, was just seriously contradicting to BM’s MOTY shtick. Skid was very forthcoming with how much BM pawned her off, in the most innocent, sharing of info way.
When it comes to what she says now - it’s literally anything under the sun.
“My mom...
says, does, wants, thinks.”
And I think that’s the part that makes me feel it’s an intential “never forget Mom” dig around DH and me. Because we ALL know the least amount of parenting, guidance, entertaining, etcetera that BM can get away with, the better.
A handful of blog posts back I blogged how BM told skid to call and ask her dad all her questions in regards to getting her menstrual. Yes, you read that right. BM could not be bothered with that discussion. So, yeah, I guess it is plausible that skid is trying to paint a perfect picture of a less than mediocre mother.
I think I’d bring up all the
I think I’d bring up all the crap BM said/did every time SD mentions BM.
”My BM says . . .”
”Oh, really? Does she still want your Dad to talk to you about having your period? Is she still going out every Saturday night and leavening you home alone?”
Bring up every bad habit, every bad action, every nasty bad thing BM has done in the past. If SD wants to talk about BM and keep her relevant in DHs world, just make sure it’s all the bad stuff that’s remembered.
If you’re right and the kiddo
If you’re right and the kiddo is doing it to get under your skin, then the best thing to do is not let her see that it’s working. If she can tell it annoys you, it gives her incentive to continue doing it, assuming that you’re right. If she’s just talking about BM because BM is a person in her life then probably the best thing to do in that case is to ignore it as well because it clearly irritates you. Ignore it, tune out, walk away, “mhm. That’s nice”, go to the gym... whatever you have to do to ignore.
Just to add... she might be having some internal loyalty conflict and talking about BM is how she resolves that inner conflict. Just a thought.
Along with the "that's nice"
Try complete silence.
Then when she says something personal, try looking at her with big eyes when she mentions her mom... say, "Ohhh honey that's gossip. I would be so upset if MY daughter were gossiping about me to people I don't know. What would your mom say about you sharing all her business? Gossip isn't nice."
Stepdaughters. Ugh.
I always thought this "My Mom
I always thought this "My Mom" thing was because skids are very insecure with their relationship with Mom. BM used to dump her kid on anyone she could find - Except Dad who wanted her - because he must pay. I found it sad.
Thanks for your response!
Thanks for your response! This theory seems to be the most likely case with skid.
My exHs BM is a narcissist.
My exHs BM is a narcissist. When he was going to his Dad and stepmoms house BMs name was never to be said.
Stepmom made it a rule after the first couple of visits. She put her foot down and his father followed along. The kids were a little upset in the beginning but it became a relief for them.
After every visit to their Dad they got interrogated by BM when they got home. Her chief interest was to know what was said about her. When she found out they couldn’t even say her name she initially lost it but SM held firm and eventually BM had to let it go.
The kids were better off because they didn’t have anything to report back to BM.
It's AMAZING
how "they're just children" (TM) instantaneously flips a switch to "well they're too old to learning anything different now" (TM)
apre damage.
Example Retorts:
"Well MY MOM won the nobel peace prize 3 months ago...let me tell you about it. It was an unusually warm day April day and I happened to read in the newspaper. . .blah blah blah....that's just how MODEST MY MOM is."
"Well MY MOM invented stockings...let me tell you about it. ...blah blah blah"
"Well MY MOM was invited to the moon landing..let me tell you about it. ...blah blah blah"
"Well MY MOM is the CEO of Dunkin Donuts...let me tell you about it. ...blah blah blah"
"Well MY MOM invented the gel manicure; let me tell you about it. . blah blah blah."
etc etc
"That's nice" is good.
"That's nice" is good.
"Why would you think I want to know about your mom? Does she want to know about what I do?"
"who are you trying to impress?"
"honey, I don't care what your mom does... you care... so here's a pad of paper where you can write about your mom asa much as you want."