When did you decide you were done and disengaged?
I can honestly say for years I’ve been doing BM and Hs job. Taking care of my kids and taking care of his kid while he worked and while BM enjoyed her free time. For a long time it had been getting to be too much for me but I did it for my marriage. There were times I tried to get out of doing all this but if I every defended myself BM would play my husband against by telling him I hated his daughter and didn’t want to take care of her. These kind of sick games have been going on for years. A few months back I went food shopping and came back with groceries. While making several trips in and out of the kitchen SD ran past me bumping into me nearly causing me to drop my bags. She did this 4 times in like 10 min. I got so angry I cursed under my breath. I can never say anything out loud like go sit down or stop running back and forth because it’s never been my place. She went home and cried to her mother telling her I was a horrible stepmother and she no longer wanted to be alone with me. My husband came home and started accusing me of all sorts of horrible things and told me I didn’t care. I told “where were you when she was running back and forth banging into me while I was trying to bring in heavy bags. Why didn’t you as a parent tell her to go sit down and get out of the way?” “You didn’t because you let her do whatever she wants even if it means knocking me over while I’m bringing in bags” it’s all fine right? He said nothing. In a way I was happy because I was tired of being the free babysitter and tired of killing myself for people who couldn’t care less about me. Since then I have told my husband that I’m done. If you go to work she goes home to her mother. I don’t care about her free time or if either of you think I’m a horrible human being. I have two young children that are my priority and SD is yours and your ex’s responsibility. It’s just a shame the marriage took such a horrible turn. It seems when you marry a man with a kid even if you have other kids they and you just really don’t matter.
So what was your breaking point?
My Point
Was when I realized no amount of asking for changes to be made would do any good. I realized that formerSS13 would be allowed to continue the behaviors (some dangerous to my babyBS) I didn't approve of.
My breaking point meant me leaving. I would not allow myself or my baby to be treated in that manner.
Please don’t tell me your
Please don’t tell me your husband allowed your stepson to do dangerous things toward a baby??? How does it get to that point??
He just refused to believe he
He just refused to believe he 1. Did it 2. Understood what he was doing.
There was nobody else there that could have done these things... and he was 13. A 13 *should know what behaviors are dangerous after assessing them 3, 4, 5 times or more. It was going to be excuses and rediculous stories of how things happened forever.
And that was in addition to stealing, rudeness, laziness and down right nasty hygiene being allowed.
I heard a story similar to
I heard a story similar to this. A woman married a man with a son and had a baby with the man had a son. The step son was doing violent things toward the stepmother even tried to drown her. The father refused the believe it. They are divorced now and I really hope he doesn’t have visitation of his second child. That’s actually sad it’s like they know to do these things while the “parent” isn’t around because they will never believe it.
I definitely wasnt going to
I definitely wasnt going to hold out and hope it got better, infact the behavior was escalating.
Of course my formerSO tried to talk me into going back... somehow he magically thought it would "be better", after all...he "talked to his son about it". [Insert huge eye roll] Major guilt trips about "making our son grow up without a father" and manipulations such as "are you going to let a 13 year old beat you?".
It is his choice to let our son grow up without a father. I wasn't playing a game...nobody was winning. I was just making sure we were safe and not living in chaos.
It’s what a good parent does.
It’s what a good parent does. Protect them from danger even if it means breaking away.
My breaking point was when SS
My breaking point was when SS almost killed himself with crystal meth, and finished up in hospital for three months with untreated HIV and tertiary syphilis.. I went to see him every week with then DH, and couldn't believe the behaviours I was witnessing. Also OSD organised the 'visiting' rota which meant DH was out three evenings a week and at weekends, even though he would take no holidays from work.
The real end point came when SS came out of rehab to a newly decorated place to live, DH doing all sorts to enable precious boy to feel 'loved' and then SS went back to his old habits just a week after discharge. He wasn't a child- but a man in his thirties. I couldn't deal with those damaged people anymore... that was well over a year ago and now I've left it all behind.
It’s good that you did.
It’s good that you did. Better for your sanity but honestly he’s always going to be like that with him because he’s trying to save his life. Unfortunately with a child like that even an adult he shouldn’t be dating anyone he’s always going to coddle him out of guilt of trying to save his life. My younger sister had drug problems (she died 10 years ago) and my mom would do the same thing and I even wondered why she did it. But she felt like she had to do it to save her even though it didn’t work. But she didn’t date. She didn’t want drag anyone into that.
I wish I knew why- I don't
I wish I knew why- I don't know of he was trying to save his son's life- the hospital staff did a pretty good job, but the X told me he thought his son had a death wish- I think he was looking for simple answers. For my X dealing with his children seemed pretty easy- just throw money at them but never talk to them, share simple things etc- it was always, 'Oh poor you, here's some money.' I couldn't get my head around that.
For a while (before he took the overdose) SS lived with us. When the X came home he would make dinner, SS would join us at the table, but there would be NO conversation-none at all. Yet, when SS wanted to go out, the wallet would be produced.
I'm sorry to hear of your sister, and it must have been hard for your mum- tough love is not advocared by everyone, but in my view soft love doesn't work either. I have no idea what SS is doing with his life now, but I suspect he is still being subbed by his dad.
I knew that SS - then in his
I knew that SS - then in his mid 20s was a bottom of the barrel sometimes homeless drunk. DH had asked if I could try to accept him so I did. I have 2 much younger cousins (twins) who have alcohol and life issues, but they are very sweet men who would give you the shirt off their backs and wouldn't hurt a fly. They have never asked any of us (27 cousins) for anything. I always include them in holiday dinners, etc. So I figured I could do the same for DH's son.
Wrong. I soon discovered that SS was just an obnoxious ass who had uncontrollable rage issues. Went to jail for beating up an elderly man who looked at him wrong. Got fired from countless jobs for fights. Beat up girlfriends. Got beat up himself when he messed with the wrong dudes.Trashed apartments. Soon figured out that his modus operandi was to get irrationally mad at some perceived slight and then the fists started flying. He was extremely violent with his mother and father too.
I knew that I would not keep my mouth shut around the ahole and sooner or later he would probably sock me. Seriously. So I just started avoiding him. Even told DH he could not include him in the Christmas dinner for his family at our home. This went on for a few years. I was not engaged at all, but I did somethings like let DH take him preserves I'd made, etc.
Then SS met a girl with a job, home and car (big upgrade from his previous skanky hos). They had a baby. SS even held a job for a year - and he'd turned 30. I was willing to believe that maybe he'd changed. Still didn't like him, but for my husband's sake I had them over for dinner, etc. Bought presents. They never reciprocated with anything but many in that age bracket consider everything a one way street.;
Then we had the infamous home invasion while we were out of town on vacation. DONE. I told DH to just KEEP THEM AWAY FROM ME. And he has. DH hasn't made one peep about me doing anything with or for SS and the baby's mamma. They are just user/loser trash that I do not need in my life. DH can go see him if he wants - which he does occasionally. This totally works for me. I haven't see SS or the GF in about a year and a half even though they live just a few miles away.
I recently bought a new car - same make as the dealership that SS works for but at a different dealership. SS really thought I was going to come buy the car from him. I would have paid extra not to give any business/commission to that ahole. Guess he's still delusional. I'm sure he wanted to beat me up over that.
The Straw That Broke the Camel's Back
was the "diet coke" episode. That tore it!
YSS at the time stb 7 was being his usual annoying self. Chef didn't want him drinking diet coke (I had to tell him why not) but at the time, Chef had some diet coke in the frig for himself. Chef and I were sitting on the sofa when YSS helped himself (as usual) to a diet coke in the frig. YSS stood over us and started shaking the can saying "I'm gonna dwink this diet coke!" very emphatically.
Chef: Hooonnnneeeeeyyyyy put that diet coke awaaayyyy.
YSS: (ignores Chef; keeps shaking can; his pudgy filthy fingers are now on the pull tab)
Chef: Pleeeeeaassse Buuuuudddddyyyyyyy put the coke awaaaaaayyyyy (pleading mode)
Me: (sensing YSS was about to "baptise" us with diet coke, I jumped up and took the can away from him then went to the kitchen saying "YSS, I'll get you some root beer instead")
YSS: (turning on the waterworks dashes to his room red-faced and angry)
Chef (incensed that i DARE take the diet coke away becomes enraged and goes to comfort YSS who is peeking behind the door in "his" room)
YSS: "SHE took away MY diet coke and hurt my hand"
Me: (thinking: what a little BULLSHIT artist)
Chef (comes CHARGING toward me like an enraged bull, grabs my arm and starts twisting it behind me yelling "YOU APOLOGIZE TO YSS!!!)
Me: (I see YSS peering out of the room again, this time smirking because he has gotten me "in trouble" with Chef)
I REFUSED to apologize to ANY disobedient child and the rest is history. I then engaged my disengagement immediately.
Oh my god! And you stayed! I
Oh my god! And you stayed! I’m so sorry that happened to you.
It was my house
and HE left for a week at his brother's house; who only comes around now if he WANTS something--which is fewer and fewer times because Chef has made it known that he will no longer do family favours for free when it is not reciprocated.
TBH I should have told him to STAY at his brother's house!
I started to disengage 5
I started to disengage 5 years ago, when skid was 7.
That year was real ridiculous, filled with skid parroting BM’s demands/wishes/wannabe rules, etc. Once I could see DH and his parents were going to tolerate this BS, I gracefully and quickly peaced-out. Best decision for ME.
I was already stressed
because me and sd share a birthday, and my birthday was ruined for 3 years dealing with something related to her and her bum-bm.
Also, sd had been low key mean to me for a couple of months, which I sucked up because her mom had abandoned her, blah blah blah.
Not sure why the conversation came up, but SO said that if he made more money I would wash his kids clothes. What?! I said, it had nothing to do with money. They were old enough to wash their own clothes. And...I refuse to wash another broad’s underwear...especially because I had just bought little miss her first bra and I knew Aunt Flo was right around the corner. SO insisted I would wash the clothes if his salary was larger. I disagreed, louder and more agitated.
Then he screams at me the words that have been burned across my heart for the last 2.25 years.
“I can’t believe your ass won’t wash TODDLER panties.”
I was literally dumbstruck.
He thought his daughter, wearing a size 9 shoe and standing almost as tall as me, was a freakin’ toddler! No wonder why he took her side about everything. No wonder why he saw me as the big bad wolf for enforcing simple house rules. No wonder why he defended her evil ass when she treated me horribly!
I lost it and went off on him, and said the most vile stuff ever, including calling him female genitalia which I know you shouldn’t call a man. But he was... and I’m not sorry.
That was the beginning of the end. Toddler freakin panties. Can you believe he said that? I disengaged from the kids and from him shortly thereafter.
My formerSO was the same. He
My formerSO was the same. He couldn't picture either of his monster kids as anything but the cute little toddlers they long ago were. Reality was his daughter was 16 and son 13. They were/are horrible people.
I disengaged 3 months after
I disengaged 3 months after my husband and I moved in together. That was 3 years ago. I haven't spoken a word to my stepson since except to correct him when he does wrong. I want nothing to do with him and I make sure to always refer to his mother's house as "home" so that he never gets the idea that he might be able to live here someday.
I disengaged 9 months after
I disengaged 9 months after DH and I moved in together. I disengaged because DH is not a good parent. His kids dont respect him or anything that has to do with him which includes me, my biokids, and my family with DH. Now skids live in the margins of my life. I don’t do anything for them. Everything is 100% for my biological kids and for DH. I don’t buy them anything, don’t cook anything special for them, could care less if they run out of tampons and toilet paper, close the doors on their trashy bedroom, don’t clean up after them, don’t speak to them, it runs the whole gamut. Life is better that way.
How ?
Thnak God SD’ s don’t live with us and I haven’t been near them in 3 years but I always get “ you don’t like my kids “. As if their behavior was my fault! It’s always “You don’t like my kids”. Always my fault!
Oh yea I’ve gotten that for
Oh yea I’ve gotten that for years from BM and H. It’s been years of me being the enemy hating their daughter. Me and my husband have 2 children together. Like it’s healthy for them to see their father constantly accusing their mother of being the devil. But hey it’s all about the step kid.
Check out this Oldy But Goody
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging-male.html
Point #1!!
I really wish I could be like
I really wish I could be like you guys. My SD will be 9 in 3 weeks and she still can’t wipe herself properly and I constantly find shit covered underwear or underwear with piss in it. I can’t just leave it so I usually just throw it away. I don’t even wash it. Plastic bag then trash outside. I can’t leave things around because I’m a complete germaphobe. I anticipate her doing the same crap you guys describe leaving dirty pads everywhere, dirty Laundry. Piss stained sheets. Even when she goes to the bathroom I find feces on the toilet seat and I clean it. I can’t have my kids sneaking in the bathroom and touching that filth and then they put their hands in their mouths.. So I do it not for her or my husband but for myself because it would just drive me crazy. But my husband gets an earful and he complains that every time his daughter comes over there’s a problem. Well if she wasn’t 9 and still shitting her pants and her mother bathed her instead of sending her over here smelling like she hasn’t bathed in a week I wouldn’t be complaining. I bathe my kids religiously 2 kids. BM is too lazy to tell her 9 year old daughter to take a bath or shower. It’s so disgusting.
DH also says I don’t like his
DH also says I don’t like his kids and I just agree with him. I tell him I will never live with his daughter. I also have my own house that I go to when his daughter is over which is every other weekend. This way I don’t ever have to see her and I keep my money to myself.
My tipping point
was in an Uber heading back from the hospital with my sister after having a D&C following the miscarriage of a much wanted baby after rounds of IVF. I have told this story before on steptalk but this is really what tipped the scales for me. The night before, I am in full throttle convulsing on the floor with the pain of the miscarriage contractions . Everyone in the household knew I was in a really bad way. My phone goes in the uber. It’s DH. SD(then 15 now 16) needs picked up from school as she has pulled a sicky. I am delirious still from the general anaesthetic and said to DH ‘she is faking it. Do not do this to me’. The school insisted that she be picked up and DH could not get out of work. My sister and I rerouted the Uber to f**khead’s school. My sister ran in to the school reception to get SD. She trots out behind my sister who is shaking her head on approach back to the car. SHE WASN’T ILL, THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH HER!
It was then that I realised in crystal clear epiphany: SD is and always will be a malignant little b1tch. Pulling a stunt like that on someone is just next level and in my opinion totally unforgivable. SD and SS live with us full time now. I make dinner for everyone but that is it. I barely utter a word to SD. Me and her are finished and her little stunt is something I will never forgive or forget.
I'm so sorry that happened to
I'm so sorry that happened to you, that is terrible and what a terrible kid to treat you like shit after what you'd been through. And your dh should have taken responsibility for her.
Ditto that
Ditto that
Totally agree with you
yes he should have. He cost himself there as he knows not to even ask for the most simple of favours in relation to them. SD needed new school shoes, not my problem, ask your dad. SD wants a haircut, not my problem, ask your dad. Etc etc.
A lot of these kids are just
A lot of these kids are just taught to be selfish and it’s become acceptable behavior. I hear all the time the I’m the adult here. Nope sorry so done with that. That story sounds horrible and I’m sorry you have to live with them and especially after loosing your child. I’m so sorry for that.
Selfishness is definitely a common theme
Stepchildren on balance definitely seem to be much more selfish that the average child in my opinion. They have this idea that they can just sh1t on step parents and we will have endless tolerance for it. Sometimes I catch myself, like today I went to a lovely bookstore and picked up a couple of new things to read. The old me would have picked up a book each for SS and SD, I even looked at things they would like but stopped myself. I paid for my books and got them nothing. Sadly, they just don’t deserve it and wouldn’t appreciate it anyway.
What a terrible thing to do
But stories like that just are not in the least surprising when it comes to stepkids. As you say, it has to be about them ALL the time. Lorlors is very ill with a miscarriage and getting attention? SD thinks ‘I want some of that attention for me so I will pull a sickie from school’.
‘My little sister is having surgery after seriously breaking her arm? Yep, I’ll post a ton of selfies on Facebook just to make sure daddy doesn’t forget about me’.
It’s a joke.
The minute SD got her license
The minute SD got her license was my time to completely disengage. No more having to drive her to school or other events. By that time, I wasn't doing her laundry anymore and had developed the phrase "go talk to your dad" when she wanted something. I learned to stop carrying cash so SD and DH couldn't beg me for money; I separated our accounts so he couldn't pull money out of my savings. And if DH wanted me to sign something for her that he forgot, I signed it Old SM, 2nd wife. Guardian is Dh, phone number XXXXX. pls call him for any questions. That stopped quick, too.
The breaking point was SD bringing men home for sex. One had a criminal record. I told DH it happens again, she's gone. DH told SD next time it happens, she's gone. It happened and DH did absolutely nothing. So I kicked both of them out. DH and I later made up (I'm sorry to say but I did it for my kids) but SD was gone permanently bc she didn't want the rules I laid down. So, at least that was better.
Disengage
I can relate I haven' reaches my breaking point yet, but I feel like it' coming soon. I truly care for my step son, but the changes in his the last year and a half have made it hard. Joining this group is me trying to vent and lwtvthings go so I can avoid breaking and disengaging from him completely.