I thought it was mostly ending... but no...
When we were out in yss13's state in April, I actually had a nice chat with BM. She said that she wanted all the drama to be over, coparent with both of us, yadda yadda yadda. I initiated the talk- I told her -- "Look, I just want to talk to you for a minute and let you know that I have an exhusband too, and I think he is an idiot. I am sure that you feel the same way about DH. I get it! With that being said my kids stepmother thinks me ex is an amazing man, just like I think DH is. I have found it easier throughout the years to do most of the planning, scheduling etc with her. We relate mom to mom and there are no hard feelings over having a bad marriage end. IF you would like, I would be happy to do that with all of us. We just want what is best for SS."
She was totally on board, it was such a nice talk, all about sitting together at baseball games, coparenting, respecting both households, rules, everything. When we left I was so full of hope.
Then the alimony stopped. Then she blocked my number from SS's phone. Then SS didn't call DH for father's day. My husband's heart was broken. He is crushed. I want to fly to SS's state and punch the B in the face- and I am not a violent person!!!
Why, why, why?? I just don't understand why these women who consistantly try and prevent father's from being in their children's lives. Dad's are freaking important!! BM has a (weirdly) close relationship with her dad- why wouldn't she want the same for her son???
I am trying to figure out what I am going to say to her today. But I AM going to text her or call her. I just have to figure out how to do it, without burning the bridge but also reminding her that Aliomony doesn't have anything to do with SS and DH's relationship and that we were both very disapointed that she didn't facilitate a call being made to wish him happy father's day.
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Don't say anything to her.
Don't say anything to her. You are overstepping. The only people that should be involved in that conversation are the parents. If they cant/won't do talk through this, then so be it.
Dads are important, but
When you're dealing with a high conflict person, as you most certainly are, the only thing that matters is causing drama. The only thing you can do is refuse to engage in it.
Further, as as Disney points out, you are the SP, not a parent. BM doesn't have to do or say anything to you--ever. I understand the urge to try to care for your DH, but if you were to reach out to her, it would be *serious* overstepping. More than that maybe is what my DH always reminds me... When you sling mud with a pig, you're giving the pig what it wants and all you're doing is getting dirty.
I've always found with our BM
I've always found with our BM if she starts being nice she is trying to butter DH up for something - she either is going to demand something in the near future, or she is trying to get him to talk for info to use against him. Either way if BM is being nice and sociable - RUN! RUN! RUN!
She doesn't want that because
She doesn't want that because it doesn't benefit her. This isn't about her kid, this is about her own wants and her process to have all the power. She had power before with alimony. Alimony stops and she's feeling a loss of power, so instead she's going to show-boat her control over the contact.
This isn't about your DH's ability as a father, or about SS's feelings or needs. It's solely about BM wanting her power, and her willing to walk all over whoever she needs to get that.
Don't try to communicate with BM, leave it up to DH, he married the narc, so he gets to deal with her crazy. I know your DH is upset about not getting to hear form his son... But I hope he knows that doesn't necessarily mean he's not doing a good job as a father. Just means that BM snapped and is likely influencing for the worse.
If you say something, she'll likely just disregard it and accuse you of being a "jealous and insecure second wife." (newsflash though, you're just THE WIFE who doesn't like watching her DH hurt)
That is very true. This wife
That is very true. This wife actually cares about her husband. I realize she never cared about him. He was always just a paycheck for her. It is about BM. I am also pissed at SS. I am 100% sure that BM's boyfriend had a father's day that SS was a part of. I am 100% sure that he saw his grandfather for father's day. Why, at 13, did he not call his father.
I feel like I am really going to have a hard time being my normal self with SS when he gets here in a few weeks. Constantly hurting my husband is making me feel very over protective of his feelings and I don't know how well my brain to mouth filter is going to work. The snark can be strong with me sometimes... At 13 he is old enough to do the right thing for a father that has always taken care of him and been there for him, even if not phsically since BM moved him 1300 miles away.
Yours is a hard situation.
Yours is a hard situation. You went for custody and the judge kind of just ignored everything... (If I'm remembering correct).
BM may have just been mad so she's demanding all the attention. I know it's rough on your DH
Just breathe and distance yourself when needed! That's been my policy! (normally it's BM I'm distancing from...) I know he should be old enough to do the right thing for his father, but he's also a teenager, and they tend to already be going through a bit of a selfish stage, add in a controlling BM, and it's unpredictable.