He is always one breath away from being her only living parent. If that is too much for you to cope with then break it off and stick to your decision to only get involved with men who donot want children.

I am not saying you are evil because you are not. But this man has the one thing you cannot and do not want in your life. A child. Yes, one day she will grow up and away. But right now he is stepping up and being a father to his daughter which is admirable in this day and age. She is his future for his genes. She carries half his DNA. She is important in his life. You don't want that kind of relationship then set him free to find someone who is more than 50% engaged in his life.

And just because YOU want to cope with her this way does not mean he should fall in with your plans to keep you around. I am sure he thinks once you meet her you will warm to her because she is important in his life. I didn't warm very quickly to my ssons. But if I wanted to be in their fathers life I knew I would have to change my attitude and see the beauty in these boys. And there is beauty in them. We grew to love each other.

But this is not the life you want. So break it off and wish him well to find someone who is more accepting of his daughter. As I said at the beginning, if his ex died tomorrow he has her 24/7. And I don't thin that is something you can live with.

It seems as though your solution is staring you in the face.  He is not the one for you.  It will never get easier to break it off than it is now.

I don't think it's selfish. It's unrealistic, but not selfish.

You need to really think about all the incidentals that could lead to you having to deal with his kid. Yea, BM could die. Their house could burn down and of course, he'll want his darling with him. You could be ready to jet for a weekend away, something happens and he's going to ask you to pick her up or sit with her.

He's TELLING you he wants you involved. And while you have every right not to be, things don't always work out the way we plan. I think it's smart of you to set the boundary now, but don't expect that you can be married to this man and not deal with his baggage at all.

You are at an impasse and I think you don't realize it. If you marry him, you'll be on the hook whether you want to be or not. The question isn't whether you're delusional. The question is why are you buying a fish when what you really want is a bicycle? If you want a man without a kid, MARRY A MAN WITHOUT A KID. Marry a man with a kid and YOU GET THE KID in the package.

Your life sounds great. Why mess it up now?

Personally, with the strength of feeling you have about his daughter, I would be inclined not to marry, but to maybe get your own place near him and just have a relationship with him when his daughter is not around.  But it sounds like he is pushing you to be involved and I hear from you that this is never going to happen.  So maybe you owe it to both of you to not embark on a LTR that is going to be difficult for both of you from the outset.  The terms have changed since you started with him and maybe it's now no good for either of you. 

The problem is you compromised on your own standards- you know you don't want children with him (or anyone) you didn't want a relationship with a man with children (and this gets harder as we get older) but yet you justified this by thinking he didn't have much to do with her. Maybe she was just something in a closet he would take out now and again and you could live with that, right? Now you are tied into a commitment to need him because you see a life for yourself in his country and you can't have that without him. Now that thing in the closet seems to be being taken out more and more and sometimes it has baggage with it too, and heaven forfend may at some time not be put back again.

You seem very self aware and I applaud that- you have so much going for you that I feel confident you will sort this out in your own head and heart.

He's a cool and amazing man you think the world of, and you say he's the best. Those kind of justifications at the start of a vent on here tend to ring alarm bells with us. There are lots of cool and amazing men out there and some of them don't even have children.

You don't want to come second, but you are feeling that reality already- it is what you will be over and over if you contimue. I think you have already talked yourself through this and this man has a lot to lose if you walk away.

You are a cooler and more amazing woman, you deserve someone who thinks the world of you and thinks you are the best too. With him, there will always be that thing in the cupboard- go find someone with an empty closet and be happy.

As great a guy as you think he is, you aren't compatible. Move on. This relationship will just cause heartache to all involved. It's not fair. He should have a relationship with his daughter, it seems like you realize this. I don't understand how you can't see that you guys are fundamentally incompatible on evey level. It won't ever work. Move on.

You definitely need to move on. If you're refusing to meet her at all then you're essentially asking him to choose one of you and that's not fair. Like other posters have said you never know what will happen. My SD lived half way across the country and they hasn't spoken in months when we met. I never wanted to be with someone with kids. Six months later after we've moved in together he gets a call from BM saying they're moving back to our state. I was way more open minded then you and it's worked out well over all.

It's is so unrealistic to marry and move in and expect not to meet her. There may be a time she gets sick at school and needs him to pick her up or spending holidays together or we've ended up with SD for longer periods when she's not in school.

Also it does sound like he's probably secretly hoping that you'll change your mind or that once you meet each other things will all work out.

I think you are pretty selfish in refusig to meet his child - would you meet his brother or mother or any other family member? But frankly, I would drop anyone who refused to even MEET my child. 

If you want to come to our crazy country and go to University of New Orleans we welcome you with open arms! NEWSFLASH: you don't have to marry an incompatible man to do it. Just come, we need more awesome women here and who knows, maybe you'll meet a man more compatible who you can build the kind of life you want with.  

Parenting is upredictable and you never know what will happen from day to day. Echoing what others have said, I've seen non custodial parents become the full-time parent overnight. BM could get a different job, she could get remarried/divorced and decide that daddy should take more of the responsibility. The possibilities are endless and the daughter will always be in his life, even and probably especially when she's an adult. It never ends.  When DH and I got married his 29 year old son decided he needed more time and support from dad, not even kidding. It took years to wean him back off the teat and get him out of my house. 

Beware and follow your brain, not your heart ;)  

1) You're not evil. So many people have been where you are. I was somewhat one of them. The details were a little different, but many of the attitudes are the same. From my experience, this won't get better. You know you're not an evil person. All of us here see you're not an evil person. Your partner will think you are one when he sees that you're not going to change your mind on this stuff. (My husband calls me evil all the time for this.) 

2) so many non-custodial dads (this may apply to non-custodial moms, too, but I don't know any personally) idealize their kids and think that if anyone doesn't like them or want to be around them, all they need is to be around them more and then they'll fall in love with them. Of course, this has the opposite effect. My husband was like this. I said, "I really am having a hard time with your son. His personality type is one I've found distasteful all my life and he's too hyper. I need a way to escape from him when he's here." (I wanted my husband to keep him out of our bedroom. He wouldn't.) He responded to this by making sure I couldn't get a moment's break from his son, tagging me in pictures of him all over social media while I was at work, and talking nonstop about how great he is. I came to hate the kid's entire existence very quickly because I asked for space and he jammed him down my throat. I've heard this so many times and it could happen to you. 

3) He will want custody. Every non-custodial parent has this fantasy that their kid will decide to come live wirh them one day. Some of the time, this actually happens. You don't want that. My husband got 50% custody last year and I bawled when the judge handed down her ruling. Everyone thought I was happy, but i felt like I died. It's been even worse than I imagined. Most dads want this, or nearly this, and increasingly, they get it. Don't put yourself in this position.

4) Being a stepparent is a life where your priorities are inherently at odds with your partner's. They want that kid there every minute they can be. You will want them to go home from the minute they arrive. 

5) If the other parent dies, you're screwed. My husband's ex has a strong family history of early onset cancer and is the same age now as her parents were when they died. I pray for that wretched woman's health every day of my life because she needs to raise her own brat. My husband fantasizes about her death so he can have sole custody. The fact that that could realistically happen is so scary.

TL:DR RUN. This does not get better.

I totally understand your feelings.  That was me in my youth.  I never wanted to marry a man with kids and so I didn't.  I had a great relationship with a great guy when I was in my mid 20s.  I can look back and see that I was not fair to him at all.  I loved dating him.  It was a lot of fun.  We were so compatible - but I knew I could never marry him - but I think I forgot to tell him that.  He had a daughter who was about 9 I think - I never met her even though we all lived in the same area.  He would have been a great husband - but I dismissed him because of the child.

My current DH has a grown son - a worthless POS.  But as we are older (retirement age) I basically have NOTHING to do with his stupid crotch dropping.

I am glad icanteven's post has given you food for thought because there are things in it that are common to most of us here.  The fact that Dads think their kid is the best thing since sliced bread when in reality they're spoiled, entitlted, difficult brats.  The wanting more time with them, when you don't.  The bigging them up all the time, including on social media.  My DH talks about his daughters in glowing terms and even a tiny achievement of theirs is talked about as if they've won the Nobel prize.  He does it more over the years and can't see how it's achieving the opposite effect from the one he wants, ie for me to like and admire them more. 

Rainy you come across as a very caring, inteligent and creative person. You have so much to offer, and so much of a life to live. I'm only saying this because, at almost 61 years old, I am re-starting my life after walking out on my SO after nine years. When I met him I was very vulnerable, and he  seemed to come into my life at the perfect time. I didn't move countries, but I did move away from family and friends and put all my energies into making our home and garden a lovely place to live. When he admitted that our home meant nothing to him I left.

I also sometimes wonder if Steptalk caused me to leave a relationship I thought was forever, but no, no, no, I came here because things were very wrong and I felt that I could at last, see things much more clearly for what they really were.

You do not have to justify your actions to anyone- you have a life to live and a responsibility to yourself to live it as best you can. I really hope that all the other doors in the house of your life will now open to you and you will step through them and be happy.

I don't regret my relationship, it has made me a much more caring and a kinder person, and I am looking forward to a future free of toxic people whose problems were not of my making, but became an intolerable burden for me to bear.

Keep us posted and let us know how you are getting on.

is right on the money.   The old adage "blood is thicker than water" is true.  He is already waving red flags in your face by subscribing to the "one big happy family" model. (TM)

Save yourself hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades of pain, hurt, tears, frustration, angst, worry, aggravation, anticipating the fall of the second shoe, misery, heartache, disrespect all the way around, immense health destroying stress, loneliness, hatred (towards you by none other thsn the "love of your life"), coming in 2nd every.single.time.

And what about money?  How much child support ( CS) does he pay?  Will you be expected to pay it for him should he lose income?  Will you be supporting him indirectly (we all do) while he supports the mother of his child?  Canada has some of the most draconian CS laws on the books--the U.S. does as well.  If you like to see your hard earned money fly out the window over to the BM's house than you're in for a treat.

RUN!!!

The two of you are not right for each other.

I promise you in a few years (or sooner) when you're happily traveling and waking up to peace every single day, you won't barely even remember their names or what he looked like...

I left and found a great guy with no kids at age 48, so it'll be asy as pie for you when you're ready.  I literally thank him almost everyday with a comment of "did I tell you today how happy and thrilled I am that you don't have kids?". You have no idea what really awaits you, it's awful almost 24/7.

and here's a glmpse into the future..because of my NOW life, we are currently planning a leisurely 4-6 MONTH RV trip around the USA and Canada!  You know what I'd be planning if I didn't leave?  To put an icepick into my head at the 25th baseball game in 40 days in the awful humidity and getting treated like a second class citizen, and oh by the way "got any money for the kids' concessions?"  (that they won't appreciate)

PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS TO YOURSELF

If this kid just came into his scene in a significant way, you can't really be sure how your BF will settle into parenthood -- he probably doesn't know himself. You must invest a few more years of dating to see how this will play out before you commit.

But I'll tell you this -- as you acknowledged, he's already telling you what's in his head. If you ignore that, it's your mistake to make.

I respect that you are clear and firm about what you want and don't want. All the signs of trouble ahead are there. You'll get no pity if you plow forward anyway -- everyone will say, "You knew he had a kid when you moved in with him!"

You are a GF. She is a daughter. GFs can go away and find new BFs without kids. But trust me, that kid is going nowhere. You ain't gonna win that battle.

Think for yourself -- don't count on BF to clearly state his bottom line regarding his future with the kid. He might not know his bottom line, he's surely thinking you will melt when you meet her, he might not be that smart, or he might be thinking HE'LL just plow forward with you and MAKE it work in spite of all the signs of trouble ahead.

You are allowed to want the life that you want.  You are ALLOWED to want a life that doesn't include children.  And believe me, a life with a man with a child means that your life WILL include his child.  You can't get around that.  You just cannot.

He is allowed to want a woman in his life that will accept his daughter.

He is not your person.

First, I agree with the majority of the commenters here.  Your insight to your situation is admirable and there is nothing healthier than being objective to this situation and thoughtfully considering what is best for all parties.  It sounds like you might choose to not pursue this relationship, which might be the kindest sacrifice ever.  But, have you considered just extending the engagement? Perhaps maintaining your long distance relationship for another six years until his daughter is of age...that way you maintain your independent freedom, he can have both loving and supportive relationships with the two girls he loves, and his daughter won't be thrust into the throws of a blended family at such an emotional age?  If you truly love him maybe time is all you need until the situation is more suitable to your lifestyle?  Just food for thought.  I think you're great...I'm jealous that you have the ability to be so grown up about the situation.  Best of luck!