Went to counselor
So, DH and I went to counseling today. A man counselor he picked. It worked out really well for DH. The counselor told him that he is in the middle. He cannot draw bouderies with his daughter because she will take away him seeing his grandson. He told me that I should not expect my husband to defend me or stand up for me. He said that we will just have to live seperate lives. He said if I feel that I have been bullied that I have to deal with that on my own. He saw nothing wrong with the mini wife syndrome. If SD calls DH that I am to leave the room and give them their privacy.
I guess that what I found out is that I don’t really have a marriage. That I am just a roommate. I am going to totally give my life to my work. DH can live his separate life with mini wife just as he did when he was married to wife number 2. I am emotionally checking out.
I will stay because I can’t afford not to. My life is about me now! I am done standing up for him also. You don’t have my back I don’t have yours.!
Man, we hear about so many
Man, we hear about so many bad counselors on this site. Makes me sad.
Do you have an extra bedroom
Do you have an extra bedroom you can move into to make your own space? Make plans with friends. Just live the best life you can. You have no marriage to work on.
Your DH will never defend you but you can certainly defend yourself. Not with yelling or cursing - ridicule is often quite effective.
Any counselor that thinks it
Any counselor that thinks it's ok for a child to be used as a bartering chip by his mother is not worth your time. Also using one of your children as an emotional crutch, which essentially what having a mini-wife is, has been called child abuse.
Sounds like you got a real dud of a counselor. Expects you to sacrifice yourself and remove yourself to make DH and SD comfortable? Ahhhhhh, we who choose to be SM's are so worthless as people, huh? Don't deserve the kindness and consideration afforded to others.
However your DH heard the counselor say that you will just have to live separate lives now because you are the Discard of the Family.
I am really curious about your DH's reaction to the counselor.
Is your DH really ok with that? When he wants some nookie....."sorry DH, separate lives. You heard the counselor. It works for you; it works for me."
I think you are wise to emotionally check out, and then see if you are ok with just having a marriage in name only. Some people are ok; some are not.
Yeah- I didn't think I could
Yeah- I didn't think I could afford to leave either, but less than three months later my boss has been brilliant giving me more work nearer my new home, I'm renting a flat, have sold the house we owned together in a matter of weeks, and I've offered on a lovely little house I can just about afford to buy.
What I've come to realise is that I couldn't afford to live one minute longer with a man who loved his children more than me and told me so, and I certainly couldn't afford the fees for the useless counselling we received.
No, I won't be as rich financially as I was with him, but I am so rich right now in all the things that really matter. Just do it woman!
This counselor said
This counselor said WHAAAAAAAAAAT !!!!!!!!!!!.@#$%^&*
Please find a therapist that you can go to alone. This will help you learn to cope better with the SD and DH. Your needs matter.
What is that saying, I heard?
What is that saying, I heard? Friends don't let friends marry men with children. Now we all know why. "Guess that what I found out is that I don’t really have a marriage. That I am just a roommate." Yep. Either SMs start to need to be treated with the respect they deserve, foremost including being treated with respect as a wife. OR, divorced parents need to stop remarrying. A society cannot accept divorce, act like they accept remarriage, and then after the fact act like step-parents don't matter or have no role or have to settle for just being roommates.
I will never figure out how anyone, much less a so-called professional counselor, can think that divorced parents can get off scot-free in future relationships, have their cake and eat it too, but the people they go on to remarry or get involved w/ are supposed to settle for sloppy seconds, all in the name of someone else's children. H-, mom and dad couldn't even suck it up and take it for their own children, so now SM or step-dad is expected to?
And, then, poo whittle bio-dad is in the middle. Yeah, he better be. If he wants to take another wife after 86'ing the ex-, for whatever reason, right or wrong, then it is up to HIM to appease his wife and his children. It is not up to the new wife to go around kissing everyone's butt, and fighting ganged-up-on type battles with other members of his family. DH knows the family rules. He helped create them. He doesn't get to just sit back and drink his beer and let everyone go at it. Wouldn't be permitted nor expected to happen in an initial family, that's for sure. But, in backward Step-world, seemingly intelligent people so often forget where they put their brains. Sad, but true.
I'd recommend that you see a female counselor on your own. The older I get the more I find that men just take being A#1 for granted, and evaluate everything from that me-first traditional male perspective in many cases, without even being aware of how backward or sexist such thinking really can be, and this is even with professionals. See a female counselor yourself and hopefully she'll be able to set you straight on figuring out how to get your needs met with whatever you chose to do.
We took separate cars to the
We took separate cars to the counseling. We we came out I just said to DH that I had things I want to go do,that i would just see him later. I am going to go into my work and stay there late. I am just going to stay away from him.
a month ago I was so frustrated because he was gaslighting me and stonewalling me. I got so frustrated that I kicked the kitchen cub board down by the floor not the door. It didn’t do any damage to it. So, he told the counselor today that he was afraid of me. He did a good job of gaslighting me to the counselor.
I also can really see today how spineless my DH is. I really feel that a man who does not stick up for his wife is not a man. I don’t have any respect for him anymore at all
My first husband was physically abusive to me. I really need to know that my DH has my back. I know now he does not. Oh he played it up with the counselor and told his how sad it makes him to see me hurt but he will not give up seeing his grandson. The counselor said that bouderies for SD are what would be healthily for an intact marriage but,under the circumstances of a step marriage, that he cannot set bouderies with hth SD because she has shown in the past she will pull the plug on him. So if he makes her angry he will not be able to see his grandson.
The counselor asked me if I had any grandkids and I said no and he said I won’t understand until I do.
So he said DH’s only option is to have 2 seperate lives. One going back to the way his kids want it just the 3 of them. I am not to have any interaction with them. If there is a family function where they will be at I am not to go. I am not suppose to talk about them to DH. I am no longer suppose to talk to DH about any hurt I am feeling about it. I am not suppose to ask anything about them.
If I feel that I have been traumatized I need to deal with that on my own and not envolve DH at all.
I told the counselor that I believe that husbands and wives are suppose to stand up for each other. I said if my kids had the disrespect for me and my husband because we are a unit, to treat my husband like that, that I would call them on the carpet and tell them that if they cannot treat my husband with respect , they were not welcome in my life
i actually did do that with my daughter. She thought about it and called DH and apologized to him. She only lashed out at him 1 time in 15 years. It put an immediate stop to it.
The counselor said it didn’t matter what I did with my kids. DH should not be put in the middle and risk backlash from SD.
i guess my kids no longer have to respect or be nice to DH. They still will because that is how they were raised and have never been mean to him.
So I guess you Are right. In this society stepparents don’t matter at all. They aren’t really even real spouses. Stepkids have all the power. They are to be coddled and are free to treat stepparents however they feel. They will never be accountable for any actions. I guess we stepparents really are just dirt.
The counselor said I should not have or ever have felt that Sd should be “punished” for her actions.
Unbelievable. Please try to
Unbelievable. Please try to figure out a way to leave this sham of a marriage. You deserve happiness.
Anyone who doesn't think that
Anyone who doesn't think that SPs are singled out in society and expected to suck it up and take it over and over for someone else's divorce, should read this, "The counselor said that bouderies for SD are what would be healthily for an intact marriage but,under the circumstances of a step marriage, that he cannot set bouderies with hth SD because she has shown in the past she will pull the plug on him. So if he makes her angry he will not be able to see his grandson."
He just basically told you to your face that your role as a wife (to your DH) = nada, and DH's role to his daughter, takes priority over all, even if his daughter is acting like a manipulative a$$ and 99.9% in the wrong. Now, what counselor would ever tell a husband and wife from an initial family that? "Hey, hubby, do whatever your adult child tells you to do and if your wife/ BM has any problems with it, well, that is HER issue to deal with." I'd almost think that your DH paid some actor $500 to play the role of a counselor kissing his butt, but, unfortunately, knowing how lacking even some so-labeled professional counselors can be when it comes to looking at anything from the SP'ing angle, I believe this guy was for real and not just an actor.
So, yep, as far as Am. society is concerned, someone else's divorce in effect takes priority over your marriage in pretty much every way imaginable. So, again, I'll repeat what I said above, either everyone in America needs to start insisting that divorced parents not remarry, or they need to start recognizing that SPs matter and have the same rights as every other married couple. You'd think America would have realized by now that there is no such thing as seperate but equal. It sucked in the past, and it sucks for SPs now. A married couple cannot be seperate but equal, no matter how hard some people try to make it or imply,
Nobody should have to live
Nobody should have to live like this, especially you. You tried, if you need to start getting an exit plan together, do it. That is when your husband will actually become scared of you! In no time at all, your life will improve if he forces you to change direction.
This counselor must be a woosie dadeeee tooooooo....
"This counselor must be a
"This counselor must be a woosie dadeeee tooooooo" Exactly! Lol. And OP, when he asked if you had grandkids and.... I probably would have asked if he was divorced and remarried with kid's (with his ex wife) and told him he wouldn't understand..
Are you sure this was a real
Are you sure this was a real counselor and not some friend of your husband's that he got to help him gaslight you? Because I cannot believe that a professional counselor took he position he did. What an idiot!!
You need an exit plan. And definitely a separate bedroom.
Yes it was at Kaiser
Yes it was at Kaiser permenete. So not the cream of the crop.
Kaiser Permanente
First of all, ask the marriage counselor at Kaiser Permanente to please put his recommendations in writing. Then make an appointment with another counselor at Kaiser Permanente whom you will visit by yourself, preferably a woman who will give you guidance on what to do. Ask for recommendations in writing. I can guarantee that they will not agree. Take both 'recommendations' and file a complaint with Kaiser Permanente, along with copy of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy Code of Ethics. https://www.aamft.org/Legal_Ethics/Code_of_Ethics.aspx
Your DH's 'counselor' violated Standard 1: 'Marriage and family therapists advance the welfare of families and individuals and make reasonable efforts to find the appropriate balance between conflicting goals within the family system.' and
'1.1 Non-Discrimination.
Marriage and family therapists provide professional assistance to persons without discrimination on the basis of race, age, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, disability, gender, health status, religion, national origin, sexual orientation, gender identity or relationship status.'
Your DH's counselor did not strive to find a "balance" between conflicting goals nor did he attempt to be equitable about his assessment. He was discriminating against you as a step parent (relationship status).
When SD had her meltdown and DH ran out the door I called the Kaiser 'help line'. The 'counselor' had her own agenda and prejudices. Her advice was pretty much what your DH's counselor said to you. In fact, she was quite hostile about it - which sent up red flags. I made an appointment with another Kaiser Therapist who completely contradicted what the first 'counselor' had advised.
My 'new' therapist helped me to gain the self-confidence to stand firm and set boundaries with DH. He had a choice of working on the marriage or leaving.
I would also make an appointment with a lawyer and see where you stand legally in the event of a divorce. Your DH probably thinks he has gotten his way and can continue as he pleases. But when he is presented with the possible financial consequences he may change his tune. If you are dependent on him now, you will be eligible for 'subsistence' until you can get on your feet financially and possibly get part of his retirement.
Here's a pretty good article about finding a family therapist: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/rachelle-katz/stepmother-advice-how-ste_b...
sandye21 this is some of the
sandye21 this is some of the best advice on counselors i have read. good links!
I am going to work on my exit
I am going to work on my exit plan. I need to hang in for 1 1/2 years so I will be able to afford it. I have an appt set up with a individual counselor that I trust. In the mean time I am going to start taking care of me.
The funniest part of the session today. DH told the counselor that his New Years resolution this year is to be a better husband. The counselor said that he should make sure that it does not envole anything pertaining to his kids like setting any boundaries with them. That only anything should be attempted with his kids if they come to him wanting a relationship with me. It should o my be done on their terms. But he added that he does not see that happening. I also am going to start a new topic on bullying I really want to get everyone here’s take on that. Thanks for all the support!! It’s the only place I am getting it.
What a day huh? HUGS None of
What a day huh? HUGS None of what this counselor said is normal. NONE
Just curious if the New Years
Just curious if the New Years resolution was for this past Jan 1 or the upcoming one? If it were this past Jan 1, then what would he consider progress he has made? I'd say your DH saying he's sorry you're hurting, but he is not jeapordizing his ability to see his grandson, is not progress. He is thinking of his own comfort and convenience and how to make everything easy for HIM, and you are supposed to be the Sacrificial Lamb who just takes it. So many of us on this site.
It was for this past January
It was for this past January 1. I don’t know what progress he thinks he has made. I agree the only progress he has made is in his own comfort. He now has a free pass to ever holding his SD accountable for any of her actions. He can go back to his marriage model from his 2 nd marriage now. If he thinks he was such a good husband in his 2nd marriage why did it end?
He did today put the blame on his 2nd wife. He said she traveled for her work all the time and he was the only caregiver. From what I see I don’t feel that was the case. The 2 kids are their Mothers little puppets. Especially SD. Everywhere SD and he husband and kid travel SM goes with them. She is SD best friend. She is with her almost every day. I think it is still a compition for him for his kids attention. He missed his weekly visit with SD last week because he had to work. SD sent him a video of gkid playing with his x-wife and stepgrandpa.
So now DH has stepped up his visits.
So back to your question I really have no clue what he actually thinks he has done to be a better husband. He maybe is cooking a little more.
I don’t need that. I need a husband that has my back. That has empathy and really means it. Not just a empty sentence in front of a counselor. I didn’t get married to have a non emotional tie to a roommate. I got married to have a partner, a spouse, I have always stood up for him. I don’t think it is to much to expect the same.
DH is 14 years older than me. Does he really think that his narcissistic kids will take care of him in his old age? His older brother is going thru that now. He is divorced, never remarried. He has 3 adult kids. They all live on other states. They show up maybe once 3 years. Now he has the start of Alzheimers. Last week his middle son came to town to talk to him about what facility they will eventually put him in. These kids who haven’t really given him the tome of day except when they want money, are now in control of when he gets dumped in a home.
He tells DH all the time how lucky he is to have a spouse. I used to feel like I would be there to take care of him if need be. I took care of my Mom for 3 1/2 years with Alzheimer’s. She died in her own home. But now I. Am re thinking that. He won’t stand up for me, so why should I be there for him?
Does he really think mini wife will take care of him?
She is married to millionaire frat trust fund boy with his own plane. She’s not going to be bothered with him. Mom maybe, Dad no way. She will dump him in a home.
It really is too bad. It is really sad that these people have kids, who then feel they own their parents. They feel like their parents life is only jumping thru the hoop for them when they say. I wonder what will happen when SD’s kid or kids grow up. Will she feel that her entire life is now owned by her kids? Will they expect her to never have any life but them?
Smh
And this is why the world is going to hell smh
I agree that nothing this
I agree that nothing this counselor said should be seen as normal, but it is amazing how much his "advice" sounds very much like the slamming adivice we have gotten from many people (mostly non-steps) here. They don't get it AT ALL that step-parents have as much rights to their marriage as any other married couple or SO and SO, and they all seem to wholeheartedly believe that it is "kids first," even when it comes to nasty, bullying, if not downright abusive, adult children. And, the reality is, kids do not come first in pretty much any family. Sure, mom cooks and cleans for them, and wipes their bloody noises, but this is what many a SP does as well, and all without thanks or cards or kisses. No family, intact or not, puts their kids first in the sense that they let them run the entire show!.
What do people think SPs are then? That is what I don't get. If we are not considered to be our DH's wife or SO, then what are we considered to be? Lackeys? Free babysitters? Sloppy seconds? When people give the slamming "advice" similar to what the counselor gave to you, that is exactly what they are saying. SPs are supposed to settle for being family lackeys, free babysitters, free banks, and sloppy seconds or thirds or ___? What woman (or man) would want or expect or settle for that? I mean, don't these people listen to themselves? How ridiculous and then some!
moose no need to jump now.
moose no need to jump now. quietly made your exit plan and dont tell anyone about it.
when you are ready have your husband served. dont look back. having a mini wife is exactly like a man having a mistress.
kudos for getting a counselor of your own. isnt steptalk a wonderful place? hugs to you and be strong.
You must feel so betrayed by all of it.
I am so sorry -- this is the risk of counseling and why they have such a bad reputation. Our two counselors said exactly what you expected your counselor to say: SD needed to be put in check and grow up without her dad holding her hand.
You must feel so betrayed by all of it. Maybe you should seek counseling on your own with someone with whom you can develop trust. If nothing else, it will help you. Maybe when you find a counselor you trust, you can try taking your husband with you just "for another perspective." You are behind the 8 ball now, but a good counselor might be able to get through to your husband.
In the meantime, back away and see if you can get your footing. I'm really sorry.
Thank you so much for the
Thank you so much for the support. The betrayal is what really hurts. I gave my heart to this man and trusted him with it.
If there is a family
So no weddings, no funerals, no birthdays, etc. You know she'll say she's going, even if she doesn't show up, just to keep you away.
Counselor seems to think second wives are really mistresses that need to be hidden.
I'd be so mad that H (not D) would think this is ok that I might send out a mass email to his family that says: FYI, DH and I have seen a counselor. Counselor has said, and DH agrees, that I should no longer attend family functions so as not to upset SD. Thank you for understanding why you will no longer see me at your family functions.
Well, . . . you could send
Well, . . . you could send that. BUT, just make sure you add one more paragraph that says, "And you can all go to hell now, pls. and thank you."
I am so sorry....
What a kick in the gut, first by SD , then by DH, and now the counsellor. Find a good one who can guide you and as you said start putting finances in order to leave. My bet this counsellor has a mini wife of his own, and an angry (and rightfully so) "second"wife.
I had a counsellor who I dumped. It turns out she was a SD. She was awful, she said the same things as yours. Its pathetic.
Best of luck in preparing to start a new and healthy life.
OH MY! I'm appalled. Who gave
OH MY! I'm appalled. Who gave this counselor a license, geez. I'm so sorry you had to endure this.
I lived in a state where a
I lived in a state where a "counselor" could be a LCSW, an RN or other kinds of professionals. Our insurance paid for exH and i to see this lady who was basically a retired nurse with an opinion. My exh had previously went through a health issue so she totally sided with him on everything and I just needed to buck up and take it because he was sick! Shocking that our marriage ended soon after he was given a liscense to be an even bigger a$$.
As an ex relationship
As an ex relationship counsellor myself, I know that there are a lot of rubbish counsellors and therapists around (I have been a client of quite a few!) and it makes me very angry. I would refuse to go to this so-called counsellor any more and start making plans to organise your finances so that you ARE able to leave. At least work towards it.
During the "Counseling" Session...
did the counselor's mini-wife come bursting in, plopping in the counselor's lap to join in on the conversation; then, when the "session" was over, walked off into the sunset hand in hand on their way to the nearest ice cream shoppe for daddy-daughter sundaes?
Too funny
and probably true! Even daddee in counselling others has to abide by all of his mini wife's rules.
Why bother being married if
Why bother being married if you're treated like a sub class human being who has to scurry out of the room when SD calls?! "In the name of SD I banish thee!"
Things are only going to get worse now that DH has gotten a pass to be a disney doormat daddee and SD has free reign for her horrible behavior. If you must stay married to this man then separate lives is the sad way to go. I hope you find peace by completely removing yourself from their situation.
Sorry you got a sh*tty counselor who just exacerbated an already terrible situation.
I feel your pain. DH, BM,
I feel your pain. DH, BM, Stepdad, and me went to counselor together who told me that I was the problem and needed to stay at a hotel when DH has the skids so I wouldn't damage them further.
The counselor admitted that she had a stepmom. It was unbelievable that we were paying this person for advice when she clearly had her own issues with her SM that she hadn't worked through.
Be careful who you see and get your own one on one therapy!
bad therapists are worse than
bad therapists are worse than no therapist at all. the spouse who gets in wrong advice now thinks its ok to make his wife a second class citizen while putting his children on a pedestal. who gives the licenses to these idiots?