Feelings toward communication with his ex
Hi Everyone,
I'm new to this forum and only fairly fresh to the world of step parenting (1 year). My SD is going to be starting primary school next year and as a result all of the applications need to be done and meetings with the school and orientations and walk throughs. I'm just struggling at the moment with the idea of my partner doing all of these things with his ex. I know 100% that his heart lies with me and I knew that this would be a challenge when I signed up but I'm just wondering how all of you cope with being on the outside. School enrolments, parent meetings, hospital visits etc. Occasions where essentially you aren't the 'parent' and you have to just sit back and watch your partner be involved in all of these things with their ex. I know it may seem silly but I can't seem to shake these emotions.
This is the reality of
This is the reality of Steplife- you have along way to go on your journey so I suggest you start now and accept this child is not yours and never will be. The emotions you feel are real and genuine, because this child will always be the reminder that your DH had another life and another family before you- that is what you got into.
Because the child is still young you need to lay down some mechanisms for dealing with these situations- see it as an opportunity to connect with who you are, and were before you got into this. Take that person out and do something fun for yourself.
Also make sure DH is aware of how you feel and even now make some ground rules for the future- I really wish I had done this, but you never anticipate these things at the start. Gien the chance this is what I would have done at the outset.
Are you planning to have children of your own with him? Did you marry a year ago or have you only known him a year. I would read some of the priceless advice here and put your own sense of well being and self worth first.
Coping skills?
Thanks for the advice. I’m fully aware of what I got myself into I guess the reality of it all is only just starting to show. I accept that these situations will occur and have to occur for the sake of the child I guess I’m just wondering what coping strategies everyone uses?
Look at it like his job.
Look at it like his job.
Do you really care about his daily work activities? Yes, you want to know how his day was but you don’t really need the details. Let him do what he has to do and be supportive.
However, when it comes to couples activities, when there’s a play or a sporting event you are a couple and should be treated as such. If it was a work picnic or a fundraiser, you’d be there as a couple even though you aren’t involved in his work life.
I AM RIGHT NEXT TO YOU! I am
I AM RIGHT NEXT TO YOU! I am also a year in with 3 stepsons and I still have these issues. I give myself anxiety about upcoming events. I try to mentally prepare myself for things like birthdays and holidays, school functions and sporting events but it bothers me too that my ex has to go into all these things as still a "family" with his ex.
I just found out biomom is having a birthday pool party for my 6 year old SS next week and I keep wondering how this is going to work. Like is she supposed to or going to invite my DH? Or do we do something with his kid on our own? I have no idea. But from personal experience...it is hard. I wish I had DH ALL to myself but I don't so I too am trying to learn different coping skills to deal with all this.
Do seperate parties, trust me
Do seperate parties, trust me when I say it helps with anxieties... If your BM is high conflict, it'll save you a world of drama...
Also he should NEVER go to something as a "family" with his ex. Ever. Period.
Thank you!
Thank you for helping me feel like I'm not alone in this and I'm not just going crazy! Entering into this I knew that there would be situations that would be difficult but I haven't had to face too many of those 'just yet'. We've had her birthday party but like others have mentioned we did our own thing and her BM did her own thing so it wasn't a big deal. It's only now when the school enrolments start and they have to go to meetings together and do school walk arounds as a little family that I am on the outter, at work, just thinking about it all and working myself up. It has started to make me think about how I'll deal with these situations in the future, hospital visits where only the 'parents' can be in the room, future school meetings etc etc. The events where I can attend (because I am quite involved) don't bother me as much because I can be there with him as our own little family unit but it's the times when I am excluded that really hurt I guess. I'm thinking about going to counselling just to figure out how to manage these feelings and develop some coping strategies so I will keep you updated!
he probably doesn't like it any more than you do
I'm off to family orientation for my son with my ex in a couple of weeks for secondary school. My SO will be at home (I assume). It specifically says only two people per child.
My ex is awkward and awful. I'm only doing it because i have to - and obviously because I want to know what goes down in my son's new school. I went on all the prospective school visits with him, too. It wasn't fun. It just has to be done.
But as horrible as my ex is - at least he is civil - my SO's ex goes around all the parent meetings separately and won't even SPEAK to him in the school setting. It's so bad - the school called in social services to arrange a conference to try to get over it because it was baaaaad.
Wrong post.
Wrong post.
I’ve been in this situation
I’ve been in this situation several times, and the feelings (after 4 years) come and go. I am a teacher, so I am always at school events or meetings. H wants me there because, as a professional that does this all day, I help them with school work and projects. It’s never been up for discussion. He says he doesn’t want to relay the information to me, he wants me to hear it because I will know what questions to ask.
I do hate the ‘we need to do everything together’ metallity the BM has. She just emailed my H about seeing when he is available for well checks for the boys. They’re 14 and 10!!! Why does he need to go to a well check appointment? It’s her just trying to contact him and have him do what she wants. When you realize that, it does get a little easier. I find myself needing therapy for it though, so be prepared for that. Sometimes I just can’t handle the incessant, needless communication. They didn’t talk this much when they were married! He does his best to shoot her down on the stupid stuff (well visit) and he wants me there for the other stuff.
Good luck. It isn’t easy to get over those feelings. I am an XW and I stay sooooooo far away from my XH that it’s hard to wrap my brain around the pettiness of people. I wasn’t prepared that I would still be in this position 4 years in.