Fed up
I had a serious talk with my SO. I had a good stepmom, so I wasn’t afraid of any of this, even though he tried to warn me. His kids are horrible. At least one of them has significant mental health issues, and the other two are lazy, selfish, and rude. I could go on for days, with examples of their behavior, but I’ll spare everyone. I’m sure we all are familiar with the jacked up kids/jacked up ex dynamic.
I thought if I was good to them, like my stepmom was to me, it’d be ok. It’s not. They hate me. I do so much for them, and no one even acknowledges it. I took them shopping for their Halloween costumes, not either of their parents. I took care of their Christmas in our house. Same with Easter, and even Mother’s Day. They need cookies for a school fundraiser? I bake them. Help with a project? It’s me. All of it. Me. I’m also the main person who corrects them. Their mom coddles them and buys stuff for them, but she does not parent them. And my SO has slid into laziness over time, partly because he doesn’t want to be the bad guy in his limited time with them, and partly because I do too much for him.
I’m upset about two things. First, even with all I do, the kids detest me. They don’t even notice I’m the main one trying to help them. Second, somehow helping my SO (the way my parents helped each other) has morphed into me doing his job for him.
During the weeks the Skids are with their mom, my SO and I get along well, have fun, he’s the guy I fell in love with. When they’re around, he checks out, and my life is torture. It’s the no-kid weeks that have kept me here. But I told him our kid weeks have to change, that he needs to do his job, or it’s not going to get done. I’m not picking up a single Skid mess, running a single Skid errand, or anything else Skid-related, anymore. I told him I’m not his wife and I’m not their mother, so why should I get all the crappy parts of those roles, and none of the perks?
I’m newly glad we didn’t rush getting married. It would hurt to leave him, but at least it would be fairly clean, if he doesn’t listen and step up. This is a lot harder than my (step)mom made it look. And I’m sure all of you who read that sentence are now laughing at me. You know what I’m talking about,
- Irene H.'s blog
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Comments
Not laughing but thinking
Not laughing but thinking 'why oh why doesn't anyone warn you what being a stepparent is really like'??!! You don't hear the 'horror' stories until you are knee deep in the shit yourself and then you go searching and find out so many other ppl in your shoes and you wonder 'why'?? Why?? Why?? did I do this to myself??
Seriously. DH was the first
Seriously. DH was the first person I ever dated that had children. I had been married most of my 20s and 30s and so never crossed my mind that I would be a step mom. When I met DH, and met the skids I thought hey, cool! I will be the best step mom. I will treat them like I would my own and we will all live happily ever after. I should have been a fucking comedian! The minute BS8 was born, they turned into to raging jealous assholes and I won't be disrespected in my own home..... and 8 years later nothing has changed.
You do way too much which is
You do way too much which is why your partner has checked out and basically left you to do EVERYTHING. Stop doing for these kids and let him parent. He will never learn how to be a good parent if you continue doing it for him. These kids are his responsibility and all that comes with it belongs to him. Once you stop you'll see how quickly he'll change his tune and know just how difficult this role is. Save yourself the stress and disengage.
You’re right
I really think you’re right. I’m definitely going to try that approach. Thanks for the support.
Four words that should be your mantra
From this moment on you need to remember these four words: "Go ask your Father" any communication from the skids to you, this is your answer. You also need to enforce with your DH, that you live in the household too and any decision involving the skids and DH spending household budget on the skids, needs to be discussed with you first.
My DH would piss through money that was for bills, just to keep his precious princess happy, then when it came to paying bills, he would throw a man-trum because all the money was gone. Don't let yourself get caught up in this sh*tty cycle.
If
DH is not home SK should not be there.. They don’t want to spend time with you so why are they in your home ? If DH is working. He can’t parent.
Even when he’s home, he doesn
Even when he’s home, he doesn’t do much of the heavy lifting, so to speak. His ex is really overbearing, and he’s super mellow, so I think it was easier to just let his ex handle everything, and now expects me to do the same. There are a couple problems here:
1. Ex wants him to suffer, and she’s jealous of me, so she interferes with everything I try to do to help him.
2. These are drug babies (adopted), who are also all puberty aged (terrible time for anyone), and who are now being used by her to cause problems for us.
3. I’m stuck in the middle.
4. I do way more than I should.
I can only control that last one, so that’s what I’m going to do.
Stop overfunctioning. His
Stop overfunctioning. His kids, his problem. Go do you Go shopping, go to the salon, have a girls weekend. Keep yourself busy so you don't have to watch the trainwreck. Either SO will figure it out or he won't. This does not make it your problem.
You're not stuck.
You're not stuck.
You just need to stop doing it all.
If it was me, I'd stop doing things gradually... I'd kep doing the cooking etc... but the extras, like baking... I'd say - I'm sorry, but that's a favor and I don't do favors for people who disrespect me.
Move on to other things... cleaning/dishes? Sorry, I don't think I want to clean up the messes of someone who is rude to me.
Laundry? Sorry, I don't want to clean the clothes of someone who never says thank you to me for everything I do. I'm not your maid.
Project? Go ask your dad.
Holidays? Buy them one small gift from you... and leave DH to do the rest. Don't say an effing word about it, just assume he is taking care of it - just as he's taking for granted that you will. What?! No gifts??!! Dear DH - didn't you buy presents for your children?!
I've said that to DH before - I get all the mom work but none of the mom perks... over time, I started texting DH around noon telling him I didn't think I was up to cooking tonight, because my kids were at their dad's, but since ss is there HE might want to consider what HE planned to feed HIS son, and that maybe him and I can order in after ss goes to bed.... I made it very clear that it was up to him to feed his kid. I'll cook for the family... but I'm not going to cook for ss. I mean, I will if him and DH and I eat... but I won't just for ss, and I won't include him in takeout. Takeout is for adults only, or all 6 of us. It's just how we roll. He can have a freaking pbj sandwich for all I care. Nowadays, the nights only ss is with us, DH takes care of supper.
You're not stuck in the middle - you're cornered into doing the lion's share of the work because you have a lazy man who takes you for granted.
Just tell him... Hey honey - you can have all your parenting responsibilities back. I'm taking a bubble bath now.