BM ignores SKs causing behavioral issues

Forums:

Hi,

Quick backstory... DH & BM had a 50/50 every other week CO until BM had to move a distance away. Since Jan 2017, we have the 2 kids during the week with BM having every other weekend + holiday weekends + split of Christmas/March/Summer vacation. DH and BM are on tolerable but not good terms.

2017 went very smoothly, while it was still an adjustment for the kids. However, increasingly since the beginning of 2018, SD (7) has been acting out and moody. When SD and SS (13) come back from BM, SD is now sullen and quiet. When DH puts her to bed she tells him that she’s sad and misses BM, but that BM doesn’t spend any time with her when she’s there. Without digging, SS continually confirms that they spend their weekends in front of a TV or device while BM spends time with her new boyfriend and his family/friends. Even when he’s not around, the kids are in their rooms alone on devices.

SS was never BM’s favourite, good kid but needs a lot of support in life/academics. He’s used to being ignored/second fiddle with BM and is happy to chill out and play video games/watch movies alone. Under the new CO, the school continues to report that SS has improved substantially in all areas.

SD is another story though. She’s also a good kid who’s intelligent (surpassing her brother in some areas) and wants to be independent already. She was BM’s favourite and always got her way in everything, which doesn’t fly in our house.

SD has taken to using “I’m sad” as an excuse to not work in class, which we’ve told her is unacceptable, that everyone gets sad but we all still have to do what needs done. She’s also been starting fights and following some kids who tend to cause trouble. At home, she’s moody and acts out at her brother at even the slightest glance (while normal sibling behavior, it’s escalated significantly). She has also been trying to fake sick, to the point where we’re having trouble determining when she’s actually ill – we’ve explained The Boy Who Cried Wolf. DH has spoken with her a number of times about all of these things. She says she misses BM and wants the routine to go back to the way it was. He continues to tell her that the routine is not changing and that she needs to talk with BM about spending more quality time together. It’s not within DH and BM’s relationship for DH to make any such suggestions himself.

We feel like SD is taking out her upset and anger with BM on everyone/every other facet of her life rather than confront BM. She’s still so young and we know it’s hard when routines change for children, but we’re unsure how to make this easier for her. It’s also usually bedtime when the “sads” come out, along with all the other delay tactics - “I need water”, “this hurts”, “I’m missing a toy, I can’t sleep without is”, “I need to tell you one more story”, “I need 12 more hugs”, etc, etc, endless etc.

BM has rights to call and speak with the kids any night, but has called maybe 4 times in 16 months. We’ve told SD that she can call BM, but once she gets doing whatever she’s doing, a call to BM is the last thing on her mind.

Anyone have any similar issues or advice?

Thanks!!

I am not sure what else you

I am not sure what else you can do other than guide SD's behaviour in the direction you need it to go. I agree that she may be acting out because of what is happening at BM's house, but the behvaviour is manipulative and needs to be addressed firmly and consistently in your own home.

It is not reasonable to expect a 7 year old to address the situation with BM. No matter what the differences are between them, it is your DH's responsibility to speak to or communicate in writing with BM. He is to make the effort and not palm it off to a child.
Even if they were on the best of terms, what difference will it make? He can not make BM parent her kids or pay attention to them. It is sad that BM basically ignores the kids and has more interest in BF and her social life, but she may turn around and tell DH to mind his own business as to when the kids are with her. This is a no-win for you because some people are just rotten when it comes to their kids.

I hope someone else on this board has more meaningful advice for your situation because you are trying to help the two young ones.

I should clarify "she needs

I should clarify "she needs to talk with BM about spending more quality time together".
If DH sister buys her nail polish or a jewelry kit, we'll suggest that that might be a fun thing to do with BM and have her take it over the weekend. We always follow up that if you don't get a chance with BM, we'll do it when you come home (which is always what happens). Or if there is a movie one or both want to see, we'll suggest they ask BM to take them, but we always end up taking them on our next weekend.

We don't expect that SD will be able to have a heart to heart sit down where she can clearly explain here feelings, and knowing BM, it would just flip to us as putting words in SD's mouth.

This is also part of the problem with DH and BM. DH has tried so many times to be constructive and work with her for the good of the kids, but she's perfect and never in the wrong and how dare you tell her any differently... you'll hear from my lawyer!! When the new CO was finalized, the kid's lawyer and the judge all said to both parties (although, we feel it was more aimed to her) that what happens on one parent's time is none of the other parent's business unless the child's physical well-being is endangered. While we believe that includes mental well-being also, she isn't endangering them. Sending BM a letter to say that SD is sad because BM doesn't spend time with her is the equivalent of telling her what to do and that is a world of hurt that will likely come square down on SD's shoulders - How dare SD tell us anything about what happens on her time, SD is lying, SD is trying to make her look like a bad mother. We've heard these things come back from the kids over the years. It makes it worse than better

Kids don’t need exposure to

Kids don’t need exposure to toxic people. Even toxic parents. That BM doesn’t call is a great thing.

As for SD’s behaviors.... set the standards of behavior in your home and enforce those standards applying escalating age appropriate consequences until she complies.

Keep it simple.