New here...
New to this website but at a point where I would like to reach out for just some positive words.
I met my boyfriend almost 2 years ago. We have an amazing relationship, started out as best friends, started dating, slowly started introducing me to his 5 year old daughter (at the time), and now we all live together in a two bedroom apartment. My SO and his ex wife have been going through the divorce process through the majority of our relationship. It is currently at 50/50, but we would like the schedule to change to one week on and one week off and have parental/educational rights. The schedule is currently wed-sat with us, and sat night-wed am with her BM. SD6 loves everyone, and we don’t wish to take time away from her BM even though she is not good for her. She always talks bad about us, never helps pay for anything, and constantly promises SD6 and then never goes through with it.
I love SD6 and I think she’s a really great kid. She’s about to be 7, and becoming really smart. I came from a divorced family so I’m used to all of this, but not from the stepparent side. It’s hard bc my SO loves his kid, and I would never ask him to pick or choose, but some days are emotionally draining. I feel like my SD6 and i’s relationship is very hot and cold. One day she says she loves me, and wants to be by me and hang out with me. Other days, it’s as if I don’t exist. I help her more than I should as a step parent, but Idk how much distance I should create without feeling super distant. And lately she’s been saying “I wish my mom and dad were together.” It’s understandable since this is still unknown territory, but it still doesn’t feel good. My SO is very patient with me, as I can be an emotional person. But I’m having a very hard time finding the balance of this relationship. It’s very emotionally draining, as I’m sure most step parents put in a lot of work for not a lot of reward. Is this how it’s going to be for the next 12 years?
Again, just looking for some positive experiences. I grew up in a blended family and my step siblings were horrible to me and my mom. I just hope that one day SD6 will be able to fully accept me and my SO are together; and there won’t be days where I feel non existent in my own home.
Oh to just be starting out, I
Oh to just be starting out, I would do so many things differently. And save myself from a whole lot of bullshit at the same time.
Here it is, and I hope this helps you...
1. I would have disengaged from BM 100% from the start. That is DH's problem. He deals with her, all contact through him and only him. And I would only offer my opinion if asked or if the situation would affect MY household.
2. I would take the stance of supportive role to DH as it pertains to skids ONLY. He is decision maker on all. He is the primary caregiver. He does all things skids. If he NEEDS me to step in and HELP then great. But only if and when he asks for it. Otherwise I am only Dad's wife. Unless, again, the behavior affects my household in a negative way and DH is NOT handling it.
3. All court related matters between DH and BM would stay there. Supportive role here but not giving input, unless asked, and not attending. What THEY decide is just that. (unless, again it affects my household in a negative way). Zero involvement from SM in that regards. If you TRUST your DH then let him have that. It will only cause you undue stress and anxiety.
4. Boundaries and expectations. THIS is KEY! You need to sit down with your DH right away and agree on what you both will accept and not accept. And you both have to be on board. Unreasonable expectations are what kills a relationship when it comes to Steplife.
My advise is to enjoy your life. If your SD wants to have an APPROPRIATE relationship with you, then foster that. If she wants to be a snot, then so be it. That is your DH's problem. YOU have all the power here. YOU can do as you please. YOU do NOT have to partake in ANYTHING you don't feel comfortable with. BUT, you need to be on the same page from get-go.
Great Advice
I'm 9 years in with 3 SDs. Don't try and force anything, don't read to much into anything. You can start out great and in a few years when they get older, they could start to dislike you based on what their mother says about you or just for the simple fact that you are not their mother. Just do you and let your DH deal with his own child
Be cautious with your heart.
This little girl will never be your daughter, so don't make room in your heart as though she is.
Based on what you've written, the BM has a stronghold on this girl and is already manipulating her and her emotions. That does not bode well for you. You will ALWAYS be the outsider in this triad, so don't forget it.
And yes, to answer your question, there is a great possibility that everything you contribute to this child will not result in a close relationship with her - thus no "reward" in the long run.
I will advise you like I do others - go over and read some of the entries on the Adult Stepchildren section. You will see that it is extremely difficult for many SMs to make connections with SDs. Especially when BM is stirring up the pot. It is often a lifetime challenge. Be prepared ...
I went through the same thing
I went through the same thing with SS, and even now our relationship fluctuates. When he was younger we had week-on, week-off custody during summer and it made me realize that BM was influencing our relationship A LOT. They first day or two were always difficult and I'm sure it had to do with things BM was saying about me. Once we spent a few days together though, it was like he forgot all of that and started to enjoy spending time with me. It has gotten easier as he has gotten older, mainly because I think he realizes now that BM lied about a lot of things, but it was a LONG process. I think the best thing you can do is try not to force anything, and let your SD come to you. If you guys get week-on, week-off custody who will be the main caregiver?
My SO has 2 little girls
My SO has 2 little girls (oldest is 5). To date BM has been a cooperative co-parent. I'm not there to hear what she says to her daughters when they're with her, but I've seen no indication that she speaks negatively about me or SO. Even so, the older girl has told me I'm not her mother and expressed the desire for her parents to get back together on multiple occasions. I don't think it's personal to me, and I don't take it personally. She remembers her intact family and she wants it back. The little one doesn't really remember her parents living together, so it's never been an issue with her.
I know that I will never be the mother to these children. They have a mother, and she's a perfectly good one. Sometimes I have to remind myself to step back a little. And the relationship ebbs and flows, too - there are times when the kids are content to have me do everything for them and they sit in my lap and tell me they love me. And the next day the older one might tell my SO that she wants him to get back together with BM. It's a roller coaster. I fully expect it will be a roller coaster forever.