Court Date is here!!! HELP ME!
So a few weeks ago I poseted about going to court. Well we ended up getting a lawer (my husbands sisters boyfriend). I suggested the child psychologist thing, but he didnt think that that was a good idea. He thinks that we should ask for court ordered therapy.
Here is a brief background.
Recently married. Two step kids (boy 12 girl 14) one bio son (9). Step kids dont want to come visit my husband because they say he is abusive. They are super disrespectful, cuss him out, girl calls him her "biological component". Last he filed an enforcement for visitation. In november we had an incident where the boy said I forced him to get a haircut eventhough he gets a haircut every time he comes over and the girl physically assulted me. I filed a police report (my husband suggested it). They say they dont feel "safe" around me. Well now our court date is here for this whole circus act. To my surprse, my lawyer says that I have to testify as to what happened that day! I am so nervous and anxious. I didnt know I had to be part of this thing. He even says that I would probably have to attend therapy sometimes with them. I just feel like I am being dragged into this thing that is not my fault. Lawer told my husband that he is going to have to be "disneyland Dad" so the kids want to come over and bite his toung and wait until therapy to address any missbehavior. The kids have deeper issues than that. They have been alienated, they are very dissrespectful, they feel like they have as much say as adults, they dont think the rules apply to them. I dont want to raise my own son in a house where he is the only one being disciplined.
My husband is great and he is good to his kids. The kids are so rude to him and it breaks his heart every time. I feel like we are just giving in to them and their mom's childish bullcrap and no one is addressing the real issues.
I am so scared to testify. I am not good infront of people, I get really nervous . I feel like I was the victim and now I am having to defend my side because of children. I was raised so different and I feel like we are giving these children so much power. I dont know what I am going to do in court or what the outcome is going to be. We have been dealing with this behavior and the kids mother for 2 years and it just gets worse.
Husband thinks that therapy is going to fix everything and that his relationship with his kids is going to be fixed. I want to support him in all of this (and I have been) but I really dont want to testify and I wanted to step away from this drama, not get more involved.
Sorry not so brief.
Is this lawyer a family law attorney?
Because if he isn't, it probably isn't going to end well for your DH. Also, he isn't your attorney, he is your husband's attorney - the court case is between DH and BM. Your name is not on the divorce decree or the custody order.
You do not have to testify unless you are subpoenaed by the court. The lawyer and DH may want you to testify, and you may decide to do it, but you are not legally required unless ordered by the court.
As you already know, therapy alone is not going to fix the issues you describe - especially if the kids don't want to attend. It is possible the judge could order you to therapy, but not probable.
Did you do any research on Parental Alienation as was previously suggested? That is clearly what is happening here. Given the ages of the children, your DH may have not choice but to "drop the rope" and let things be for now. Sometimes trying to force contact with teenagers can make things worse.
yes
we did the research and it is spot on. My husband's lawyer says the court will not go for that and refused to acknowledge that. He said that a child psychologist is to fix the kid not the relationship. So my husband is pretty much going to have to give in to whatever they want in order to see the kids. Lawyer advices him to do anything the court suggests and he is willing. I am not however. I don't think it's fair to raise kids in the same house with different rules. Husband does not want to stop trying. The kids are getting older, smarter and meaner.
and yes he is a family law
and yes he is a family law attorney
Your DH and the lawyer are right
The best chance he has of "reunifying" with his kids is to pursue court-ordered therapy, especially if there's alienation at play, which it sounds like there is. We've been there and done that and it feels awful, but it's the best approach. You need to focus on finding someone with experience dealing with alienation and emotional abuse. We had one therapist (an idiot) who just thought DH should buy SS's affection. That didn't last long, but the difference in rules is still there. Strangely, it's evolved into stricter rules for SS over time.
Courts don't like to deal with alienation as an issue. It's a non-visible form of child abuse and it's very hard to recognize because the judge and attorneys aren't in the room with you guys to see what really happens and most kids don't behave the way an alienated kids does. Courts and court personnel can deal with kids being molested or beaten, but the emotional stuff is really hard because of the subjectivity. To be honest, even our lawyer struggled to see the issues we were dealing with for a long time. He pushed us to negotiate with BM, which only created more conflict and frustration--and then he started to see through her BS. That has helped us immensely.
As far as court goes, all you can do is try to relax. Answer questions, but don't volunteer anything you don't have to. Family cases are normally small, so there's not likely to be a room full of people.
I call bullshit on what the
I call bullshit on what the attorney is saying. If there is a COd visitation schedule then DH needs to nail BM to the wall with a contempt motion any time she fails to deliver the kids as the CO stipulates. Whether it is the kids choosing to skip visitation or not... the CP is responsible for surrendering the kids per the court ordered schedule. The NCP can smack the CP around with the CO over that crap.
We struggled with an idiot attorney like the one you have and had to placate through the whole process ... until... we dumped the placating attorney and hired a no bullshit agressive shark of a counselor who was clear that his job was to deliver what we wanted and not to minimize the issues. His job was to win for us.
We interviewed a number of replacement lawyers after we went through the first court effort when SS-25 was 2yo..
When we went in to meet with the one we retained he asked us some key questions.
1. What is it you want to accomplish with this effort?
2. Are you doing this for the kid's best interests or to get back at bio dad?
3. If I think that what you are trying to accomplish is either unlikely or not the best way to go are you willing to consider my advice?
4. These efforts can be very long, draw out and become very expensive. Do you have the resources and the willingness to see what you want through to the end?
We cut him a retainer check on the spot and he was a key resource in shredding the SpermClan for the next 13 years. When he wrote a letter to the SpermClan and they saw his letterhead they STFU and got in line.
Our last interface with our attorney was when he did the adoption for my SS and I. SS-25 asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen.
While therapy for the Skids should certianly be part of the plan .... smacking BM around in court for failing to comply with a visitaiton order will likely return far more timely and consistent results.
As for you testifying... of course you testify. The SD assaulted you. You are DH's equity life partner, and your testimony could be critical to the right outcome. I testified during our first court activity shortly after we married. It is interesting and infurating that for any other SpermClan related court action over the years I was excluded as "not a party to the case" though the courts were sure interested in my income. The final court action I was excluded from a telephone hearing so we just put it on speaker phone and I fet my DW notes. When I was excluded I gave my DW a note pointing out that SpermGrandHag was involved and should also be excluded. My wife made that motion and the Judge instructed SpermGrandHag to leave the premisis. She obviously didn't but was too dumb to STFU and feed the SpermIdiot notes rather than inject into the hearing. The Judge repeatedly admonished her for not keeping her mouth shut.
I was called to testify by the Judge but made sure not to irritate her by injecting into the hearing by speaking. Not my usual MO as I tend to confront idiots... even the ones with the stupid black robe and Fisher-Price wooden hammer. It has nearly gotten me into trouble a couple of times during the blended family court drama periods.
IMHO of course.