Help - I Need Your Support And Wisdom
First, I am extremely thankful for this group and all of the wonderful people that have reached out to me to share their stories and insights. You all are truly amazing and very giving of your support as we all go through this nightmare of step children that can be childish, selfish, controlling, and just plain disrespectful of our marriage, to their parent, and to us. Our only “crime” is that we fell in love with their parent and THEY refuse to “let them go”. It’s so tragic that they can’t just be happy that their parent has found happiness and the love and companionship of someone that their parent has chosen to spend the rest of their life with. It’s so toxic that it infects our spouse to the point where we wonder if they still care about us and why did they marry us to begin with.
Im sure most of you read my entry in this forum about Narcissistic Stepson Ruining My Marraige, so I’ll skip the back story. I have started on the never ending journey of disengagement. I did not announce it to my DW because right now she is still under the effects of the toxic influence of her narcissistic son. But this morning she left to drive 4+ hours to spend the weekend with her 24BD. I was uninvited because of recent events, which I am actually good with because DW has been distant and cold since the last meeting with 30SS Wednesday. In fact I need a break from all the drama for my own mental health.
As I have stated in my other entry in this forum, she is now laying a lot of the blame on me, which I told her is totally unfair and that her anger and frustration are misplaced. I have to stand up for myself and not be subjected to that type of emotional abuse. That is step one of self-care. I have been battling clinical depression since this started and have been following Dr. Steven Ilardi’s program he lays out in his book “The Depression Cure - The 6-Step Program To Beat Depression Without Drugs”. If you, or someone you know is battling this disease, I encourage you to get this book or at least listen to the 22 minute YouTube video he made to highlight his 20 Year’s of research. It could save someone’s life.
Part of that program has specific things I need to do for myself, which I have shared with DW. It would be nice if she were more supportive, but I’m kind of on my own. The other thing I practice is mindfulness and meditation, which really is a solo thing, and I have shared that with her as well. She says “You are doing all the right things.” But that’s really as far as the support goes.
So here is where I need you all to help... She left for her 4+ hour drive and did not even tell me good by. This is the woman that would kiss me goodnight at bedtime and say “I love you”, kiss me good morning, and text me as soon as she got to work. She use to say we would grow old together and still be taking walks, holding hands, well into our golden years. But today, not even an “I’m leaving now”. I went to the door as she was getting in her car and asked “Aren’t you even going to say goodbye?”, to which she replied “I thought you were sleeping.” That has never been a factor before, so I interpret (this is not a good thing to do) that she is mad at me for the situation.
i did not cause the “situation” because I did not raise her son to be a spoiled child who is unable to function in an adult world where social skills are required. I have done the best I can to try to work towards an acceptable resolution, which nobody wants. I admit I had bad days where I was not the supportive husband I was trying to be, for which I have asked forgiveness. But I have been on multiple antidepressants, which alter my mood and brain function. I have been in both couples therapy (because this is OUR problem to deal with as husband and wife) and individual therapy (to address my depression and inability to understand why she can’t just fix it).
I will say I am a stronger and better man for all my hard work. But I feel like I am being punished for something her son brought on that I have a problem with. It’s normal and healthy to have a problem with what is going on. What’s not healthy is the emotional abuse I am facing. When she returns from her weekend with her BD, she and I need to talk about the commitment to the marriage and to each other. After that we will have to see where it goes.
I think you got lots of good advice after your previous post.
There were lots of different perspectives there, and lots of others told you of their situations and what worked or didn't work.
If I may, I'll add my two cents.
This is your side of the story and one that most of us stepparents know all too well. The fact of the matter is that mother-love is the strongest human connection there is. To try and change that dynamic now (when all are adults) is almost impossible. Thus, your only option will be to disengage and come to grips with the fact that your DW will have a huge section of her life (kids, grandkids, etc.) that will take importance over you and to which you will not be included. That is what YOUR disengagement will look like. The majority of her heart and emotional connection lies with people who want nothing to do with you, and probably never will.
The other side is your wife's. You have stated that your depression and medication has altered you causing "mood" and "brain function" changes. If your wife was to describe it, what would she say? Have your changes been such that she might say you are no longer the person she knew/fell in love with? I'm not saying that the depression is something you had control over, but you also have be aware of the effects that may have had on your relationship with her. You should be proud that you are aware of it and are getting treatment.
You seem to be a very self-aware person and you are to be greatly commended for doing all you can to make sure you are healthy and happy. Your wife should also be on your side - having depression is no different than having a broken leg. They are both conditions that need to be treated and can be healed. When she married you, I am assuming she made a vow of "in sickness and in health" or similar. IMO, she should back you up during your treatment - to include attending therapy if it will help you.
However, is it possible that your skids see your depression/behaviors in a different light and don't think their mother should have to deal with it? Not saying that's a good attitude but it may be how they are responding to it. Just like us here on ST know what you are going through and can comiserate, the skids may have rallied around their mom and convinced themselves and HER that she can do better and deserves better.
As to your question about her leaving without saying anything, I would hazard a guess that her solo trips to see her kids are also weighing heavily on her. She is making a choice that deep-down she knows is hurting and excluding you. Therefore, she probably wants to sneak out as quickly as she can without any emotional upheaval.
As for a four-hour drive of introspection, that may be happening. The biggest question is what inner voice is she listening to? The one that is your wife, or the one that is the mother of those kids/gskids? Which one has the greatest importance? Only she can answer that.
If it's any consolation, I have disengaged and I am very happy I did so. I would rather be alone than be treated badly by skids. I don't waste any of my emotional energy on people who could care less about me. You may find that it feels exclusionary in the beginning, but as time goes by, you will be feeling a sigh of relief that you don't have to deal with such selfish, hateful people.
Keep your chin up!
P.S. If you haven't gone to the "Disengagement" forum on ST, I would encourage you to do so. You will find lots of good information and others with similar problems there!
I am aware
Thanks for your insights. I find all this very helpful, especially factoring in the mother/child bond. My Ex simply walked out on our kids, so I forget that’s not the normal bond. Thanks for the reminder.
I am aware of how the antidepressant meds can change a person and have talked with DW about that specifically. It is also why I am doing everything I can to get off of them. I am having some pretty good results with Dr. Steven Ilardi’s program, which I mentioned in the original post. But I know these drugs make us someone other than we are, so I try my best to keep that in check.
I believe the 30SS got this information and has used it to his advantage to love bomb his mother he “is very concerned for her because she is with someone on suicide watch”. First, I have never been on suicide watch, and I don’t like DW discussing my medical situation with them. Another boundary that needs to be discussed.
I know the disengagement will take time and I am glad to hear it will lessen the feelings of exclusion. I must be consistent and patient, and from what I understand I need to watch for anyone trying to sabotage my efforts.
Do something for yourself
You have received a lot of good advice from people who truly understand what you are going through. It would upset anyone if their partner left for days and didn't even say "Goodbye".
It happened to me the first time I disengaged with SD. DH left for her wedding after we had fought about his lack of addressing her rudeness and exclusion of me. At that time I knew nothing of this site or of the process of disengagement. If I HAD known, I wouldn't have wasted years trying to gain her acceptance, nor would I have put up with DH's lack of commitment to our marriage.
As 2Tired4Drama wrote your wife may be having a hard time dealing with your depression. And the selfish skids appear to be taking advantage of this as an excuse to exclude you and create a divide in the marriage. Just about all of us on this site deal with Parents who have a strong love their children and have problems balancing that with love and commitment to their partner.
As mapitout suggested, give her 'loving' space and time to process when she returns. Continue on your plan of disengagement. As most of us have found it is wise not to discuss disengagement with our partner - we simply do it. In fact, part of disengagement is to stop discussing the skids at all. One of the advantages is that we quit over-alanyzing the situation and let it go. Exclusion by the steps becomes a big plus rather than a 'divider' in our marriage.
Look upon this small separation as an opportunity to breathe without being under the cloud of negativity your wife is connected to. Give yourself a break. Focus on you for a change and make it a point to do something very special - something you've always wanted to do. Visit friends. Go to a community event. Read a good book. Don't sit home and over-think. When your wife returns home you will be able to talk about the wonderful weekend you had. If she brings up her kids say something like, "Hmmm" and change the subject. Let her know you are done with the drama and want to concentrate on the marriage.
Great Advice
Thank you for your suggestions. As I said in another reply, I am doing a bathroom project and replacing the vanities in the master and guest bathrooms. I am done with the guest bath for the most part and will start the demo on the master tonight. I am also planning to have a nice dinner and enjoy the CAPS and PENS hockey game.
So far it’s been a stress free, productive, and happy time by myself. I really did need a break from all the drama. I feel this will get me to a better place so I can offer DW some loving space when she returns.
Be good to yourself this
Be good to yourself this weekend. Keep busy, and do things you enjoy.
But on Monday, please schedule a consultation with a good divorce attorney. Find out where you stand financially -,just in case. Start putting your ducks in a row. This also falls under the umbrella of self care.
Setting yourself up
Setting yourself up financially and preparing to totally take care of yourself is a proactive move. It never means you have to leave or divorce. It gives you individuality and security. It will help you mentally. At the beginning of my disengagement, I made sure I took care of myself, so if it came to splitting, I could do it. I set boundaries for myself and made them my goal to healthy living, for me.
The emotions you are experiencing are normal with disengagement. I was very frustrated in the beginning of my disengagement from my grown SD. The more I wanted to disengage, the more I expected my DH to understand, which he did not. With disengagement comes disengagement from your DW, in regards to your Skids.
The positive began to happen when I "honestly" didn't care any longer what they did, what they said, or how they felt. I didn't ask or discuss my SD with DH. My DH can go and do as he pleases anytime with SD and her family, as long as it doesn't not interfere with plans we have made. I never discuss SD nor her immediate family, I never ask, when DH visits with them, and after 5 years, I go days and days and don't even think about them and their relationship. I just don't care.
With all of this said, it is the most difficult thing I've done in my life (taking care of myself first). I've always been a giver; but you learn to put yourself first and it gets easier. It has been 8 long years, since I began my disengagement, with the past 5 years as total disengagement from my SD57, after 30+ years of tolerating her bad treatment. It is a struggle, but I have a life of my own with hobbies, friends, and my own finances. If DH wants to join me, he is welcome; if he does not, his loss.
Our marriage is very different, our retirement is not what I expected, but it is all better. I say "better", because I do not have to be the target of my SD57 ever again. It is good for us and I wish I had disengaged years and years ago. Hang in there. Take it slow and one event at a time; it is a very slow process. Have patience.
I'm sorry you are experiencing this; it is very difficult when you love someone and they put you on the back burner. Change "your" interest, hopefully your DW will see you as an individual again. Drop her part with her kids and make your own life with her. If it doesn't work out, you've honestly tried. I didn't think my marriage would survive disengagement, but it has. I took my own life back and I am in control of "my" life. Never try to control the actions of others.
(((hugs)))
Weekend Update
it has been a very relaxing, productive, and stress free weekend. I have to say that I have really enjoyed my time by myself. Not waiting (or hoping) to hear from the DW since she is having her weekend with the nicest of the 3 skids. But even 25SD has her moments and can be somewhat controlling of her mother, but overall has been hospitable towards me.
I honestly believe the narcissistic 30SS has control iver all of his siblings, which makes some sense. He viewed himself as the alpha male of the family when his BD left 11 years ago. So I am obviously encroaching on his “territory”. He absolutely has taken on the role of mini-husband.
My plan is to have DW spend as much time, for as long as she want with him. In fact I am going to suggest she go spend Mother’s Day with her kids just so I can get some more stress free time. I can find lots of things to do.
So overall a great weekend. Guess we’ll see what kind of mood DW is in when she gets home.
DW is home and miserable
So, DW is home after 5 hours of driving. I simply said “Welcome Home” and offered her dinner that was leftover. She mumbled something about not being hungry and had not eaten lunch or anything on the road. Then sat stoically next to me as I am watching the Stanley Cup playoffs and didn’t utter a word. She was noticeably miserable.
My 23BD called so I talked with her as she just got off a 13 hour shift. All very positive and upbeat with her, so I am totally disengaged from my DW’s trip and did not ask about any of it. She went up to bed and left me to enjoy the rest of my night.
I did my best to welcome her home with loving kindness, but she was having none of it. I’m not going to react to any of it because I’m in a really good and healthy place right now.
Is this normal? I’m not sure I’m doing this right.
You are doing well. Just don
You are doing well. Just don't ask and don't get caught up in the drama. Your DW didn't have the peaceful weekend you did. She was probably confronted with all types of drama, while you relaxed. Just take it a day at a time. You are doing well. Keep busy, build your own life and invite her to join you, when she wishes; don't pressure or try to control her feelings. If she doesn't join you, her loss. The greeting you gave her was good; you are showing respect and kindness.
When I stepped away and disengaged from SD and DH's relationship, my DH was miserable. His DD wasn't all she is presenting herself to be. I am over it all and DH knows this. Now he doesn't hear from SD, nor does she care about taking all his time, since I've handed them all they time they wish. They used that for years as the excuse why they didn't spend time together, I was to blame. Well, guess what; they know now I don't care and was never to blame. There narcissist relationship was developed before I came into the picture.
You both will need down time and this weekend was good. DH and I are doing much better, since I've let it go and moved forward; he joins me more every day (he wants to know what I'm up to). Stay here for the excellent support and don't break the boundaries you set for yourself.
Thank you sammigirl
I don’t know what I would do without this site and people like you. As an empath, I feel things very deeply. I also want to talk about the problems and try to work it out. That is how I am wired, but not how my DW is wired. So it helps to come here for the support, understanding, and guidance that I so desperately need right now.
You are very perceptive and I think correct that I am the only one that had a relaxing weekend. Even though she loves her BD, I can see that her weekend was anything but relaxing, even though it was her choice to go alone. Maybe she was expecting me to be upset when she returned and because I wasn’t, she is somehow resentful?
I wouldn’t wish this stuff on anyone, but knowing your DH was miserable when you disengaged tells me this is “normal” in this situation. Deep down, I know that DW knows all of this is wrong and she has no idea of what to do. I cannot help her with that because she has created the situation and I cannot be responsible for it. Only she can resolve her issues as I am no longer part of it. I wish she could find the help and support she needs, and I am sad that it cannot be me. I have tried and have gone as far as I can. The rest is up to her and her disfunctional family.
The bad part for me, and this is one of the side effects of clinical depression, is the insomnia. I often wake up (when I do sleep) from vividly bad dreams. It something I have been actively working on through the program Dr. Steven Ilardi (The Depression Cure) has put together. But that too will take time because as an empath I feel things deeply, and watching DW go through this is very upsetting. I am sure with detachment and time this too will resolve itself.
I will be strong and stay true to myself and the boundaries I have setup. I will keep coming here for the support I need. I will continue to act with loving kindness towards DW so that hopefully in time she will see the man she once fell in love with. I will not try to control her feelings or engage in conversation about her family since that only brews tension, anger, and resentment. This is incredibly difficult for me, but I know it is for her as well. But anything that is truly important is worth the effort.
Thank you all for your love and support. I hope that one day I can help others the way you all have helped me.
Good going!!!
You did all of the right things. You were very generous and considerate when you offered her dinner and did not bring up her family. If she is resentful because you had a good weekend and she didn't, that is something only she can deal with. Removing yourself from the drama is very wise. She has some decisions to make.
Whatever the outcome, you can move forward in being good to yourself first and foremost - you deserve it.
You are already helping others. Someone will with similar concerns to yours will feel the desperation that we all feel when all of the hurt and frustration is fresh. Your words will be an inspiration to them - as it is to me, knowing that I also did the right thing 7 years ago. Thanks!
You need to address this
You cannot go on living separate and apart yet under the same roof. Consider seeing a counselor together ASAP. Otherwise you will be living the Cold War. It won’t work.
if she won’t go with you, go yourself.
My heart is with you. I have been there.
I am already doing therapy
Thanks for you advice. I am already in therapy for myself. We tried couples therapy in the beginning, but she was not really getting anything from it because therapy is not something she is comfortable with. I know that if you aren’t receptive to therapy, you won’t really benefit from going.
Maybe in time, she will have a change in heart and be open to it, but bringing it up now might come across as me trying to “fix” her. I know it is for the both of us, but I am able to see it that way because I feel pretty clear headed, and at this time she is very conflicted.