Splitting Up Together: A fantasy “rom.com” Where Mom and Dad Get to Still be Together While Spawning Up River?
Wow! Talk about newly divorced parents’ fantasy, or should I say society’s fantasy? Apparently in this “rom.com,” as it has been so-labeled:
“Lena and Martin were once madly in love. But, like many marriages, time and circumstance eventually took their toll. . . they decide that everyone's lives would be better served if they got a divorce. Still wanting the best for their three kids and facing a daunting real estate market, the couple decide not to sell their house and to "Bird Nest" instead. One parent will live in the house as the "on-duty" parent taking care of the kids, while the "off-duty" parent will live in the detached garage, doing whatever he or she pleases. They will switch off every other week.
As Lena begins to dip her toes into the dating waters, Martin begins to see his own culpability in his marriage falling apart. When Martin realizes that it all began when he refused to dance with Lena at their wedding, he wants to atone for it. He secretly takes dance lessons to surprise Lena by dancing with her on what would be their upcoming wedding anniversary. Could being apart ultimately lead to them getting back together?”
OK . . . . Well, isn’t that nice!? I bring this up because I just saw an ad for an upcoming episode where apparently BM gets to scrutinize/ grill one of dad’s upcoming tryst- dates. Sweet. First of all, who would be insane enough to date anyone in that type of ‘mom and dad are still ½-way married’ situation? Yes, marriage is a role, a show just as much as it is a feeling. And, secondly, how demeaning to act like mom and dad could still get back together, while at the same time showing them dating and apparently rabbit-hopping with others? Are these dates just for fun for either mom or dad or just for show? These dates are apparently just fine being dad’s or mom’s flavor of the week or month? That is, if they are even informed of mom and dad’s “Bird Nest” parenting. (Calling this Bird Nest parenting is like calling a prison dorm-style living.)
And, supposedly the main reason why mom and dad did this is for their children. Their children won’t be confused by all of this, or will be just fine watching mom and dad date and discard, and still give googly eyes to each other as they cross paths? Mom and dad can cheat ‘legitimately’ and yet still try to romance each other in front of the kids. No confusion there. All fun and games. I’m so glad that mom and dad decided to put their kids (and not themselves) first. Gag. Might wind up being the next best trend. Sad thing too, is that there are going to be people who are going to buy into just that.
I know, I know. It is simply a new rom.com and so what if they stretch things a bit, yada, yada, yada. But, as a SM, I know I started out on my mountain climb to being a SM on the first date with my DH (I’m still climbing). AND, personally, I get sick of all of the attention in a divorce situation always being on mom and dad, and how they might get back together or might really still be in love. Meanwhile, the people they date and mom and dad’s children are left wondering what the H- is going on. Maybe what they should show instead is the reality and pain of BM’s and bio-dad’s dates being rejected because mom and dad can’t keep it in their pants or move on, and show how the children start to get so confused by all of the comings and goings that they start to not care about anyone, including themselves. No stability for these kids. Just the taunting carrot of stability thrown their way every now and then.
Anyway, watch if you dare. I may even watch just to see how wacko it gets, but I doubt anyone other than maybe someone who has been in that situation before, where they are expected to be sloppy seconds in an even sloppier divorce situation, will have much empathy for either mom and dad’s flavor of the month-only dates or even mom and dad’s children. It’s all about the divorced couple finding their way back to each other no matter what the cost. How sweet. It’s just too much fun watching mom and dad play at getting back together or wondering if they will or if they won’t. And, I’m sure the network will be smart enough to keep STDs or worse out of the picture. Definitely a real possibility with that type of living, but not fun enough for prime time.
"who would be insane enough
"who would be insane enough to date anyone in that type of ‘mom and dad are still ½-way married’ situation?"
I've read on this site about women who are dating a SO who is still married to and sleeping at BM's home...for the sake of the kids of course. Noooothing is happening because they have a sexless marriage, according to the still married man. Wasn't there one gal who lived in the same apt building w/her SO while BM and skids lived across the hall. I believe Ivana trump still lived in the Trump tower after the divorce and Ben Affleck lived on the same property after he and his wife split.
So apparently there are lots of people who dive right into these kind of high drama situations.
Yep, Bird Nest Parenting. . .
Yep, Bird Nest Parenting. . . Where mom and dad get all of the benefits and their dates/ SOs get none. Usually in those cases, other bloggers here point out to them that they are basically settling for being free-babysitters with added benefits for dad, and not much else.
I had similar thoughts when I
I had similar thoughts when I heard about this show... It's ridiculous... I get TV is supposed to be a kind of alternate reality... But for me, this is going too far, my first thought is that it was written by someone who 1) couldn't keep it in their pants but still thought they should be with their ex, 2) Someone who still thinks they're in love with their ex, or 3) a hopeful skid that thought their parents shouldn't have ever broken apart snd their parents gave them false hope so they're living out what they thing should have been the end result... All of which are unrealistic expectations...
One of the things I told my cousin when he got divorced and told me "don't worry! We'll still be doing "family outings" two times a week, was that he shouldn't. DH and BM didn't even do stuff together, but BM throwing things at the skids, has caused nothing but confusion for them. It's really twisted to give the kids hope that they'll get back together, when let's be real, marriages die for a reason, if it ends, maybe everyone needs to learn from why rather than focus on why they should just magically get back together, they shouldn't be giving them false hope, instead they should focus on the kid being in two productive family situations, where they can feel love from both, but seperate themselves. I think false hope is one of the cruelest things you can do for a kid. Just my opinion though.
You would be suprised... I
You would be suprised... I have a few girlfriends doing the dating scene. I am flabergasted by these disney dads. One, wanted to see my friend after 10, why? because he still had dinner at BMs and put the kid to bed every night. Said kid was 13. Another cancelled 15 minutes before the date due to kid wanting to go to McDonald's for dinner - kid was @ mom's but mom refused to take her. Dad didn't understand why friend wouldn't reschedule.
Wow....men are so clueless. I
Wow....men are so clueless. I hope your friends pointed out to both men that they don't need to be on the dating scene.
Just another reference point
Just another reference point for people who cannot respect boundaries. Bm wanted dh to stay st hers every time he went to her town to visit ss9, so they could play happy family and pretend pixie and ds didn’t exist. These types of people (delusional bms and those who worship the holy first family) do not believe that divorce is the end of a marriage, rather just a rearrangement where mommy and daddy still love each other but live in different houses.
Ew.... Bleck! And this is why
Ew.... Bleck! And this is why SMs can't get respect. *eye roll*
Divorce = TOTAL disolvement of FORMER marriage to the point it no longer exists... A total seperation.
NOT: Mom and dad just live in different places, but totally still love each other and it's basically like they're married, just not legally... And any other person who may get in a relationship with the NOT married individiauls is now a second class citizen who needs to suck everything up and take all the punches anyone throws at them. OH also the "holy first family" is totally the only one that matters and clearly the actual spouse is the only thing preventing that bond...
I don't even get why society has this view that divorce is going to destroy the children... I think you're doing more damage pretending you're still happy go lucky and giving the kids false hope, than you would by just going your seperate ways and making sure the kids feel loved by BOTH homes and BOTH families, rather than giving them this twisted view that it's just one family and confusing them.
My DH and I came so close to
My DH and I came so close to not making it when he originally told me that he still loved both of his ex wives. Do you have any idea how that did NOT go down with me. I now know realize that he meant that he did not hate them nor did he wish them ill will, but I did not take that well. AT ALL.
He truly has no desire to even be friends with either of them. But it took me a long time to accept that after his stupid statement. He's lucky I did not dump his ass.
Wife #1 was someone he married after a ONS where she got pregnant. They were both horrible for each other and it was never a true marriage. She cheated, but he ignored her. They were both responsible for the end of their marriage which should never have been.
I know that he loved wife #2 but she was a nut case that even his best friends told him not to marry. She married DH a few hours after her divorce from her cheating DH. And 15 years later divorced DH to go back to the cheating bastard first husband. I have many mutual friends with her - they all think her DH is a total ahole.
It really bothered me at first when DH said he still "loved them" but I realize that he meant that that he didn't wish them ill.
I hear what you are saying, but
I hear what you are saying, but there is a difference between loving your ex- because she is the mother of your children and loving your ex- because you never got over her and want to, on the sly and while you are dating other people, attempt to get back together with her. Wa-a-ay too many people don't know how to distinguish the two, and unfortunately the media, in particular, seems to forever want to imply that by virture of having children together, parents will always have a thang for each other and always, secretly, want to dump their respective SOs or spouses for each other and get back together. Yuck!, is all I can say. That attitude is just plain unhealthy for all.
The Parent Trap
One evening, during a movie night, it was my turn to pick, so I picked "The Parent Trap". My bad. It was a little awekward when I realized that Munchkin could possibly harbor thoughts and hopes of her parents getting back together. This show - I think I saw a advertisement for it and it made me sick to my stomach. So NOT funny.
I just watched that episode.
I just watched that episode. My dad recorded it and we watched it Sat night. The only one I have watched and the only one I ever will watch. Not that the acting was bad. But the story just chapped my ass. Even more the social engineering manipulative aspect really pissed me off.
Dad was an idiot who didn't feel passionate about his wife any longer, mom was a liberated re-empowering woman humping her new BF in the car in the driveway while her kids were being cared for by her sister and their dad.
The kids were just fine with the whole thing.
I wanted to puke.
My XW was a nut job like this. She proposed during a mid divorce lunch meeting that we could date and I could even stay with her when I was in town going forward. "And we can even have sex.... if you wear a condom". I laughed in her face stood up and left her with the lunch check. That was also the lunch meeting where she tried to get me to buy her a new car since I had just purchased one. "You have a new car and I don't. You should buy me one." I responded "When we married I had 4 cars and now I only have one. By your logic you owe me three cars. So, I will gladly let you off the hook for one of those three cars. So when are you taking me shopping for the other two you owe me?"
Sarcasm was lost on her. But I had fun.
I watched an episode too. It
I watched an episode too. It was just really clear that the whole premise of this is that the kids are going to hope their parents get back together and alternately one or the other parents will want it too... the tension.. the hijinks.. ahoy.
This nesting on the surface sounds like a very adult and mature concept. The kids don't have to upset their life moving homes.. the parents revolve in and out of the same home and live elsewhere when it is not custody time. The kids have continuity in friends, school etc... BUT.. it leaves out the absolutely ICKY aspect of what happens when mommy and daddy meet new people and get married.. or live with someone that has kids.
What happens then? Do the new kids get to cycle into this nest? Does the new spouse/SO have to go live with their new partner in a home that is basically shared with the EX? Where is the privacy and boundaries when each parent has access to the same home.
This is just a nope for me.. show and life.
My brother actually dated a woman who was still living in the basement of the marital home because her EX was dying of terminal cancer. Guess what.. the guy actually didn't die and my brother spent a long time dating this woman who was very enmeshed with her EX.. last I heard.. I think the woman and her EX got back together...
Again, a clear sign that SPs are supposed to be invisible.
Again, a clear sign that SPs are supposed to be invisible. Anyone who thinks that our society has no overall problem with SPing, should watch this show, because I honestly think this is how a lot of people, including counseling professionals, would look at nesting: ". . . sounds like a very adult and mature concept." They would think it sounds great! The divorce problem solved!
What a disconnect, and it really isn't even so much about 'what do you do when mom or dad starts dating again.' It is more about everyone wanting to keep up this delusion that divorce is OK or even easy; that children come first when 9 times out of 10 it is really mom and dad that come first; that if you are having maritial problems, it is OK to play the field without suffering any consequences; that only true love produces children, so mom and dad will always have a thang for each other; that it is OK to snag family members, such as a sister, into any and all of your pre- and post- divorce play; that anyone who gets involved with a divorced parent (and not just romantically) is simply in the way and meaningless and invisble, and so on.
Get real, is all I can say!
Seriously. If you want your
Seriously. If you want your kids to not have to split time between homes, don't freaking get divorced! This bird's nest crap is for... well, the birds!