It is war, IH.
My last post was about what I feel is an unfair balance between IH (idiot husband) and my contributions to our household. To recap, IH and I keep separate finances with IH contributing 2/3 to a "household" bank account and me contributing 1/3. I do 100% of the household chores and childcare for our 2 children together. When stepspawn lived with us, I was 100% responsible for his care as well.
I have been thinking a lot about why I do this. I do feel that my home, my children and even my IH are a reflection of me. My home is always clean, my children and my IH are always in neat and tidy dress and we eat 3 healthy, homemade meals a day. I contribute what I am able financially because I have always been financially self supporting and I go above and beyond what goes into the 'house account' because 1) I like to feel like I give my all and 2) I avoid my IH's mean rants about how much more he puts towards our finances. Except I am not avoiding the mean rants. I can pay and pay and pay but all he sees is this 'household account'. So I contribute 1/3 to the bills and pay bills outside of the account from my own personal account, but all he sees is the 1/3. Example (and this leads to the title mentioned WAR): on Easter, IH spent 2-1/2 hours in the bathroom. Showering, shaving, etc. I was getting DD4 and DD1 ready to go to relatives. IH gets out and dressed and goes to church. I stay home with the girls. He comes home and graciously allows me a shower. Except it is ice cold... We are out of oil. Ice shower for Lily.
We have argued in the past about household duties. I cook, clean, care for the girls... IH usually lists things he 'has to do' but never gets around to. Look, I will make gourmet meals and scrub the house like an OR but I expect IH can at least do mechanical maintenance things like check the oil tank. Fine. Ice shower for Lily. IH asks me to call for oil. Except he takes the debit card for the joint account in his wallet the next day and tells me to pay it out of my personal account. Says it is cheaper if I get cash. Ok. I have cash on hand for the delivery.
Here is where it gets fun. When we first bought the house, IH set up fuel delivery with his credit card because we had not opened the household account yet. After that he would take money from the house account and pay the credit card. NP, I use heat and hot water too. So the fuel company made an error and tried to run the credit card on account instead of deliver oil COD as I had requested. Thats why I ran out of oil... IH's card was declined. For those of you that don't remember from my last post, I just paid off half of IH's (sole) credit card debt a month ago to the tune of over $4,000. But I gave the money to IH, not the card company. How the F did the card get declined?!?!
I am ready to unleash a world of mother forking hell on him when I get home from work... But I think, 'now what would IH spend over $4,000 on?' There certainly isnt anything I have seen around my house to reflect $4,000. I look up stepspawn's Facebook... Guess who doesn't have a job but got a car almost a month ago? Ding ding ding ding!
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OMG, I don't blame you for
OMG, I don't blame you for declaring war on IH...and I see how he got his IH name!!!!! WOW!
Oh, how awful! I don't have
Oh, how awful! I don't have any advice to give but just wanted to say I'm so angry on your behalf!
Unbelievable
I think I would want to kill him - literally. I would be so angry if my DH did that to me.
Let us know the outcome - I will be sitting on the edge of my seat!
I want to kick this man in
I want to kick this man in the a$$. What a jerk.
Oh CLUCK no!
Oh CLUCK no!
Time for no more joint household account. Time to put some bills in YOUR name and some bills in HIS name, then pay those directly. The next time you don't have oil, pack up the kids and stay at a hotel.
This, for me, would be marriage-ending, or at least time for drastic marriage-saving efforts. $4,000 is a LOT of money to give someone for only HALF their CC debt on ONE card. $4,000 is certainly a heck of a LOT to swindle from YOU for a kid that isn't your responsibility.
My first lines to DH?
"So, when I went to pay for the oil, they ran your card before I could hand them cash, and it was declined. I want you to explain to me, right now, how after I gave you $4,000 that your card is back up to the limit. I don't see new furniture in my living room. I don't see new jewelry around my neck. I don't see a new car in my driveway, but I sure see one in SS's drive.
Don't speak. Starting today, I no longer contribute to the household fund, nor will I give you any money. I will pay for all groceries and the oil bill because I will ALWAYS have food and a hot shower for myself and our toddlers. I will remove myself from all other accounts and they will be solely yours to pay for. I also expect a payment plan for the $4,000 I just got swindled out of.
If you don't like these terms, then I suggest you find an apartment and get your stuff out of my home as soon as possible. I will NEVER be taken advantage of again by you. This is your ONLY warning."
And then I would walk away, repeating that none of this is open for discussion. If he can yell and scream, so can you. Don't let this man think he can walk all over you without consequence. You don't need him in your life, but he certainly needs you. Remind him of how pathetic it is to swindle his own wife and what kind of boy that makes him.
Just to repeat, THIS IS NOT OKAY. THIS IS RELATIONSHIP-ENDING BS. CALL HIM ON IT NOW!
There just isn't enough likes
There just isn't enough likes for this.
I agree. OP has a huge
I agree. OP has a huge problem with her IH using her for money and using her as domestic help. She's not a wife.
EVERYTHING Lieutenant Dad said!
What a slimy IH, OMG. that is straight thievery, lies, and betrayal.
Staying tuned, let us know how it goes. Very sorry you are being treated this way and nobody should treat ANYONE like that, especially family.
I am going to write down what
I am going to write down what you replied for my talk with him later. I would like to think that there is some reasonable explanation and give IH the benefit of doubt.... perhaps he wised up and shut his credit card off. Since he racked up over $8,000 in debt with a well paying job and doesn't have much to show for it, maybe he got smart and decided credit isn't really for him. Maybe PrisonBioWhore bought spawn a car.
I want to talk to him first. I want proof that the cards were paid at least down to the tune of my $4,000 plus a sizable amout by him. I am pretty reasonable. I don't live above my means. I have savings and no debt (save the mortgage). I don't believe in spending what I do not have in hand. I am the reasonable one and IH is the spendthrift.
Let's just say there is some explaining to do here.
This needs a LOVE button!!
This needs a LOVE button!!
Oh CLUCK no!
Oh CLUCK no!
Time for no more joint household account. Time to put some bills in YOUR name and some bills in HIS name, then pay those directly. The next time you don't have oil, pack up the kids and stay at a hotel.
This, for me, would be marriage-ending, or at least time for drastic marriage-saving efforts. $4,000 is a LOT of money to give someone for only HALF their CC debt on ONE card. $4,000 is certainly a heck of a LOT to swindle from YOU for a kid that isn't your responsibility.
My first lines to DH?
"So, when I went to pay for the oil, they ran your card before I could hand them cash, and it was declined. I want you to explain to me, right now, how after I gave you $4,000 that your card is back up to the limit. I don't see new furniture in my living room. I don't see new jewelry around my neck. I don't see a new car in my driveway, but I sure see one in SS's drive.
Don't speak. Starting today, I no longer contribute to the household fund, nor will I give you any money. I will pay for all groceries and the oil bill because I will ALWAYS have food and a hot shower for myself and our toddlers. I will remove myself from all other accounts and they will be solely yours to pay for. I also expect a payment plan for the $4,000 I just got swindled out of.
If you don't like these terms, then I suggest you find an apartment and get your stuff out of my home as soon as possible. I will NEVER be taken advantage of again by you. This is your ONLY warning."
And then I would walk away, repeating that none of this is open for discussion. If he can yell and scream, so can you. Don't let this man think he can walk all over you without consequence. You don't need him in your life, but he certainly needs you. Remind him of how pathetic it is to swindle his own wife and what kind of boy that makes him.
Just to repeat, THIS IS NOT OKAY. THIS IS RELATIONSHIP-ENDING BS. CALL HIM ON IT NOW!
Agree with the above
And why did he go to church without you and the girls? Is this normal or he just couldn't help you get them ready so that you all could go?
And $4000 for a FIRST car, I'm assuming? Even if he insisted on buying SS a car, there are MANY other options for less than that. But the point was for him to pay toward his CC debt, so this whole situation is wrong!
Eh. I am not much on church.
Eh. I am not much on church. I go on occasion because IH asks me to join him. DD1 is beyond clingy and will not go to the childcare, so the whole church experience is stressful on top of m=not really being my thing.
It would be a first car. My first car I bought almost 20 years ago, brand spanking new. With cash. Cash I earned. It is my opinion, but $2.34 is too much to pay for a car for an entitled, manipulative, non working man child who is failing out of high school.
I can understand your church
I can understand your church situation now. I also think that if IH bought the vehicle, it was a bad move on his part. Who is paying for insurance? Gas? Repairs/ basic maintenance?
Duplicate
Sorry!
Freakin' unbelievable
I'd like to think that your assumption is incorrect. DH/IH would not be this dishonest. Okay, maybe it's not theft per se ... but it doesn't sounds as if you have a huge slush fund/emergency account set up. So, his beloved wife & 2 toddlers are missing basic services ...
Nothing to be proud of there ---
Lilywen, you may choose to tolerate your marriage because you love him or you made a covenant or he's the daddy of your babies. That's your choice.
When anyone starts to take food from your children's mouths .. or other basic necessities for daily living --- you need to make a different choice. Those little ones only have you to protect & care for them.
Think about what you want to have happen & stand by your word.
I like to think that too, and
I like to think that too, and a "conversation" will be had with IH as soon as we get home. As far as slush/emergency fund, I am a saver. I have an emergency fund, the size of which may be relative depending on the person judging it. We own our home and are comfortable. Running out of oil was more a neglect thing than a lack of funds. Oil was delivered the next day and I had the cash to pay for it. My children have never and will never go without as long as I am upright.
As far as my marriage, I guess he is IH for a reason. I do love him. There are times I strongly dislike and even resent him, but there are many reasons (perhaps which I never post about) that we are together. I would not in one million years believe IH would steal from me... but I could see him asking for help in paying down his debts as we have plans that involve lower debt, then being asked for money from his spawn, feeling Disney Daddy guilty and giving money to spawn, then thinking he could pay down the debt himself before I noticed. 100% could see this. It is not stealing, but it is certainly swindling. He knows I have savings. He knows there is a household budget. He knows there is food in the pantry and the heat will be up and running just as soon as the oil company can get there... He is absolutely an idiot, but he is not stupid nor brave enough to risk taking food out of my children's mouths.
Lying = Stealing
To me, lies are thefts because they steal our ability to trust the liar. My SS does not understand that his lies have stolen my ability to trust him. His lies robbed my home of being the sanctuary of peace and relaxation, now it's anxiety & dread. So I think the lying, which take something intangible without my permission, is theft.
Also, hiding it from you (if he did blow your $$ on a car for SD) means his conscience is alive: hiding the truth is a lie of omission.
Please update us when you can
Please update us when you can. I don’t want to say anything until you know the whole story.
OMG - any man who mistreats
OMG - any man who mistreats me financially is 100x worse than a man who cheats. But maybe that is just me.
Should be AH
not IH. "Idiot" implies plain stupidity. This guy is an Asshole Husband or better yet EH. Evil Husband. Going to church (putting on a show) whilst lying and theiving from his wife and children in order to disney his bum son.
Any updates? How did the
Any updates? How did the talk go yesterday?