MIL at it again lately!!!
Ok. So if you have read my stuff I have had my issues with my future in-laws. Things are great with the SIL and FIL and most of the time with the MIL. There are times she drives me absolutely bonkers, she live several states away now. Anyway this is a vent but also kind a question.
Yesterday SIL was over and everyone was video chatting with my MIL. All was going pretty good some dumb comments in there occasionally but whatever. They are talking about coming up for a whole month. They joke about staying with us the entire time and we typically say no you can not stay with us the entire time. My SIL lives alone have plenty of room in her home and only live 30 minutes away. They stay there.
The biggest reason we do not want them at our house is because of our animals. We have a large 85 pound dog who SO had prior so they know the dog and are great with him. We also have two cats and we are going to be adopting another dog in the next few months. We have our house set up so the dog and cats stay separate when we are home and the dog is kept in the laundry room when we are not home and at night. He loves it in there is crate is in there and that is his little home. SO, SS and I are all so use to the routine we thin nothing of it. For those not familiar it can be a lot of work.
One weekend while they are here we will be gone for 4 days because my younger brother is graduating high school. SO's sister said that she would take the dog while we are gone because MIL wants to spend time with the dog. Great we do not have to pay for kennel.Anyway she kept going on and on about staying with us and staying at our place while we are not even home. SO and I both repeatedly said no it is too much with the animals. Our one cat likes to jump over the gate sometimes and the dog will chase after. SO grabs the dog I get the cat have avoided any major accidents so far. MIL says oh we will be fine we can handle it, "NO". You two think I would do anything to harm the animals I would never hurt them. "We know that but it is a lot. If you stay up late and fall asleep on the couch (she does all the time) without putting the dog away and the one cat jumps over what will you do"; It just kept going on and on like this for like 10 minutes. She even said "if it is so much work, why not just get another dog." At that I got mad and pretended to check on the cats and walk away till the call ended.
She does this stuff all the time tries to act like the mother in our house. She asks SS, what size do you where, oh he should be wearing this size he needs bigger clothes. Hey SS don't listen to them pay attention to me. Tells me how to decorate our house, constantly telling my SO about how to take care of himself and be healthy. FYI since he does not travel anymore and I limit the carbs we eat he lost 40lbs. Anyway most generally I can handle it and just brush it off. I just do not understand the complete and blatant lack of respect she has for me and my SO. Nothing we say matters.
Is she just this much of a busy body, does she think because SS is not my bio-child I do not know how to take care of a kid? Does she see SO and I as two children playing house? I get she helped raise this little boy and did plenty of the mother things but i am not stupid. I get she feels left out now and not as welcome and included. They decided to move, she rarely calls my SO or texts him to talk and video chat he is usually the one asking. MIL asks his sister all the time how we are doing, she says call and talk to them. She doesn't. Sorry so long just got under my skin at the complete lack of respect she has for me or SO. Literally said no like 20 times and she just would not accept it and started get all hurt. Anyone else deal with this? Do Bio-moms deal with this as much or is a stepmom thing?
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Board the dog. Get a
Board the dog. Get a neighborhood teen to come in to feed the cats and change the litter box. The lack of aggravation will be worth the cost.
We were going to board the
We were going to board the dog but his mom said she wants to spend time with the dog and misses him. OK great my SIL said she could take him that long weekend since her parents will be there. SIL really does not mind at all. She thought it was great, and so did I. MIL get's time with the dog and we save some money.
My mom will check on the cats for me. She is out my way every weekend to check on my gram who lives 12 minutes from me. So she will swing by one day and make sure they are good.
Didn't your BF and his kid
Didn't your BF and his kid LIVE with his parents for years and years and years? And you can't figure your stuff out to have them for a week?
She kept pushing because she would rather spend more time with her grandson, like any grandparent, and her son can put her up for a friggin week. It's quite literally the LEAST he could do.
Did you not read why we can
Did you not read why we can not have them there for a week? Plus SS will be in a summer program that we will pull him out for a few days but no the entire time they are here or for a week. We have to enroll him for the whole summer full time because we both work and we can not enroll mid-summer. Plus SS loves the program and wants to go.
If we did not have all the animals and there was a set routine all the time for them we would be happy to have them for a week. If they are there and say the cat jumps over the gate and dog goes after him his parents will not be able to get the to calm down. They are older and my SO and I have a hard enough time holding the dog. He is sweet but he sees the cat he runs after it and wants to play. We have to grab him, hold him. He is big and all muscle.
They would be there by themselves while we are at work, I am sure they will be outside, she would literally start landscaping my yard and planting a whole bunch of plants around that SO and I would not want. (I can deal with that a little). They would go inside and dog would follow. We check inside the house every time we come in from outside to make sure the cats on the other side of the gate before the dog comes in. It is a process in our home. We are good with it and happy and we love it. We are also responsible animals owners and we know what to do but visitors do not as much.
These excuses are weak in my
These excuses are weak in my opinion. I have animals. Unless you think your MIL will seriously harm or kill your animals, you are being a tad absurd. Having animals has never prevented me from having visitors. I understand visitors make things harder and I'm dreading an upcoming weeklong visit from my own mother. But she's my mom and she wants to see her grandson. I stopped needing her support at age 18, far sooner than your BF stopped needing his mom's, and it is still the least I could do for all she's done for me. Would you tell your mom she couldn't stay with you? Because...animals? Seriously?
SS won't be at the summer program all night. She would see far more of him if she stayed there than at SIL's.
I would tell my own mother
I would tell my own mother that. When SIL spent the night one night, we were out of town and she was watching SS, we boarded the dog. My mom sees our house and she is around more because she is closer, even she said she would not want to deal with all the animals if she was at our house.
SO know his mother and how kinda absent minded she can be. We both think she would cause harm to them, not intentionally by any means but just because she does not think about what she is doing. SO and I both were like come spend the weekend when we are all home. You are right SS is not there all night but he is there till 4 and goes to bed at 8 even in the summer. That will not change he gets up early and when he does not get enough sleep his is a pain. I fully understand what they want and I totally get it.
SO even more than me both agree it is just too much stress on us while are not home constantly worrying. Even his sister agrees that her parents would not be able to deal with it all or handle it. I know SO's dad does not want to deal with the animals either, and he is totally happy staying at SIL's. It is just his mom who will not accept it.
So board the dog. Kennel it.
So board the dog. Kennel it. Problem solved. What do you do with the dog when you're gone all day?
I'm guessing the dog LIVED with MIL if he's had it for a while? She misses it, so she's had plenty of experience with it.
I get it. My MIL can be a huge pain in the ass. You don't like her and I think you are grasping at straws to keep her away.
He has the laundry room
He has the laundry room/mudroom, with is crate in there. The crate door is open so he can walk around and stretch and get to his water. She does miss the dog, why we said while we are gone the one weekend SIL will take the dog and while her parents are there and MIL would get the whole weekend with the dog. She cat take him for walks, cuddle with him. She will try to train him, her way. He is trained, hyper but a good dog and listens to me and SO really well. We are not going to kennel the dog for whole week just because my MIL can not accept staying with her daughter and just coming over when we are home.
SIL lives only a half hour away. They are welcome to come over for dinner multiple times. We will make a point of spending all the weekends with them doing fun stuff. SS will have sleep overs at his Aunt's while they are up. We are really not trying to keep her away at at. Please do not accuse me of that. SO and I both know how MIL is. Much of the stuff I can deal with and handle. She will rearrange things in my house,(I can put it back). She would go to goodwill buy something like a picture thinks it looks nice and say I should hang it. Only reason she would not hang it herself is because I know SO's dad would not do it and not let her. I can even handle that.
She is really absent minded these days, last time she was up she left the pet gate open, without thinking. Luckily SO was right there told her hey you have to close this gate, the cats will get out. She is like oh just let them go they will hurt the dog before he hurts them. Yeah she says it joking but she just does not take it serious. I know the cats will hurt the dog, they have all their claws. 85 lbs vs 13. I can see her going to the bathroom and thinking oh it is only a minute and not fully closing the gate.
I'm trying to guess what the
I'm trying to guess what the plan is 4 dog if you guys aren't home, with SIL at her house? I get it- I wouldn't want my mom watching both my cat and dog -at least not my big dog. How about boarding the problem cat for a few days and she can enjoy time w/the dog she misses?
He is not a problem he just
He is not a problem he just jumps over sometimes when he thinks the dog is not around. He is kinda dumb but I love him. I have never boarded my cats. I am not sure how that would go and I would probably have to do both of them, so they are with one another. Both of them hate being locked in a room for too long.
I just do not see spending money just so one person in this whole situation gets exactly what she wants. I just do not know why she can not just accept the plan we made and be good with it. It is our house and our animals.
My MIL has similar habits. I
My MIL has similar habits. I've learned to ignore them and avoid EVER being alone with her... I've been lectured on why we "can't ever move," How the girls have "only lived with her for almost 3 years, so it's not fair for us to go somewhere with them," how I should "display a picture of DH, BM, and the skids (in a family setting) for the girls in my house," That I will be "forever unable to protect my family," (who even says that???) and so many other "useful" tidbits of information... She also tried to tell me to let the dogs run free AND not get them their shots because we'd be "vet poor." (Last time I checked, owning a dog is an expense, and I intend to keep them fully healthy and looked after, that includes their shots and flea pills)... She has one opposite issue from yours though, I;ve been cleaning out the skid's clothes, I refuse for them to be wearing things that are too small on them, BM made them wear stuff like two plus sizes too small (too cheap to purchase them ANYTHING, so anything they wore is what she stole from MIL's house one weekend, or what she's refused to send back over time), and SD5 ended up with a severe yeast infection. MIL's just sitting there "well that has to fit them! i got it for them!" (did you know, if MIL buys them clothes, apparently they're expected to fit forever?) I had the girls try them on to prove a point, could even get it over their heads...
She doesn't realize she's overstepping I'm sure. The medlesome MIL seems completely oblivious to that fact. Your best bet is to keep contact with her to a minimum. It's what I ended up having to do for sanity reasons. (Also continuously repeat to yourself that MIL has ZERO control over you and you just need to do you regardless of what she throws at you). I'm sure you're doing an amazing job
Keep those doors locked and don't let her just move-in while you're gone!
Re your MIL... I think that
Re your MIL... I think that all sort of comes with the territory when you are young and a parent is used to taking care of their kid.. like they did for your SO and his child. They are just used to it at this point. I think even in non-step families MIL's can overstep.. but generally it's with good intentions.. but can be annoying.
The only part of your post that made me really question what you guys are doing is the idea of you getting another dog. It seems like with SS, a huge dog plus cats.. that the house is pretty busy and complicated enough without throwing another living thing that may/may not get along with the program. It sounds like you already may have your hands full keeping the dog you have from killing the cat..lol.
I mean, your choice and all... and adopting is nice to help an animal without a home, but it sounds like you have a lot going on and a new animal might not get the attention it needs.
Thank you, This was sweet. We
Thank you, This was sweet. We do have a lot going on, ask me a year ago the answer would be totally no to another dog. After this past year and really settling into our routine, another dog would be nothing at this point. We are looking for a specific dog, one that is being fostered and is already living with cats so we know that dog is good with them.
I probably make our current dog/cat situation sound bad, it is not that bad. We will sit on the couch at night while SO get the dog to lay down with him and just lightly holds him, barely at all. We let the cats our to roam free and they walk by him and around him. The one will has even laid with me. We are still working a lot on getting the dog and cats more comfortable around each other.
Our dog he loves to play and loves attention, when he is with other dogs he just wants to play all the time. He is really good with other dogs. We think he needs a friend to play with and lay with be be around when we are not home. Also just in general. I appreciate your feedback.
This is why we are getting
This is why we are getting our dog a pup :) He is too social, has some seperation issues we were told could help with, he needs a constant friend. The cat won't play back. He doesn't go after the cat but he's had cat around since he was a pup-as will new pup so they are used to eachother. I can't imagine bringing an older dog around an established cat. That CAN be tricky. You are right, if the plan is for SIL to have dog then stick to that for their safety.
I think you need to continue
I think you need to continue to let your SO handle his mom. Unfortunately MIL's have a habit of stepping on toes even when they don't mean to. Stick to your own plans and just tell them that is your preference... period.
Hopefully the dogs and cats will get along. I had both for a while but my dog and cat that grew up with one another realized they hated each other (well actually the cat hated the dog) several years down the road. I think it was because the dog was eating the cat's food and the cat got posessive.
We had a good solution though... my YSD was begging to get a pet at her new house that we were renting to her and voila.. honey.. you can have the cat:). A cat is so low maintenance.. we figured she couldn't kill the cat and the cat couldn't hurt the house like a non-housetrained puppy would.
Thank You, I have been really
Thank You, I have been really good at leaving the room when they video chat and making myself busy. It was a little harder this time and she kept telling her daughter to turn the phone my way and kept saying my name over and over.
I just kept saying no. It is not a good idea not when we are not home. SO said all this before me, she just thought I would give in, I guess. What really got me was when she made a snarky comment about us getting another dog. Yes we kept saying the animals are a lot of work but it is not really for us since it is our routine. It can be a lot for some one who is not use to it.
Thanks, and that was a really great solution.
Agree, pup needs a friend
Good logic. My one regret with my now-senior citizen dog was her being the only dog for too long. She lost her social skills with other dogs & became a real B; bummer but it was my 1st dog so I was ignorant. She's too old now to do any changing!
Are you letting her stay with
Are you letting her stay with you at all if they are staying a whole month?
I think you all need to compromise here a bit. Have them stay a week that you all will be home. You can keep the cats locked in a bedroom during the day while you are at work with a litter box and water. Let SS take a few days off from his summer program to stay with the ILs, and deal with the bit of discomfort that having your MIL there will bring.
I get that she is annoying. Your SO should lay it out for her that she needs to behave during this visit or it will be the only one she gets in your home. Given how much she and FIL helped SO, I think you guys need to make an effort to let her stay. Yes, SS is going to be more of a pain, but every kid is when GPs are in town. Yes, your animals will have a different routine, but they have that anyway when you go out of town and board them/take them to SIL/your mom checks on them. Yes, your MIL will butt in with her decoration suggestions and what it, but it's for a week. So long as she doesn't actually change around everything, let your SO handle her remarks.
I wouldn't want my MIL living with me for a week either, but she is my DH's mother and GM to the boys. I'll tolerate being inconvenienced (though not disrespected) to help them all maintain a good relationship.
Thanks, I could lock away the
Thanks, I could lock away the cats in the basement, in a room down there. A week is a long time, maybe they can stay like a few nights, Thursday go back Sunday to SIL. I am a little afraid that once she is there and staying she will be the type that will say oh just one more night, and keep it going. SO will get pissed and it will be a scene and she will start getting all mad like she did yesterday accusing him, that he does not respect her as his mother, and that he does not like her, and he does not want her around. Again we hardly ever hear from her, he is the one always asking to video chat.
SO and I both agreed to a weekend. We will pull SS out of the program maybe like one day a week while they are here. We only get ten days for the whole summer for him not to go and they won't charge those days but past 10 you pay no matter what. That is how it goes if you agree to full time summer. I get they have to staff.
SO is more about his mom not staying there, than I am. I do not like it and will hate it to no end. He stresses and worries about it so much more. Our house is not very big, you can hear everything because we have hard wood floors. The other big thing about our house is we have a spare room, it only has a full size bed in it. His sister has two spare rooms and one has a queen in it. The sleeping arrangements at our place suck.
She will disrespect me and my SO the whole time. We told her last summer we do not want a lot of plants. Yet she ignored and planted several things. I might go down there 4th of July week I have off work and bring SS down to spend time with them. Her big idea is that SS and I drive back with them in an 18 hour car ride. HELL NO!!! I did not say it like that. I just said no we will fly down. I know it is more expensive but I rather fly and SS gets car sick and will throw up. Always does. She did not accept that answer and I had to say no multiple times.
She does not get the understanding of that word at all.
I totally understand your
I totally understand your reluctance on the house guests - especially in your absence. I think there are two main components to this.
One, you feel MIL is undermining and/or disrespectful, treating you guys like children - so she loses the benefit of the doubt and trust.
Two is the actual issue of the animals. I have large dogs that I brought into the relationship - those are my kids. They are extremely well trained but they are also extremely large (130+ lbs) and just by their very nature a huge liability. Extremely sensitive animals, deep chested = high risk heart and bloat issues. Physically huge prey driven sight hounds. Routine is an absolute must.
We also have livestock. Again, animals I brought into the relationship. Again a huge liability. Attractive nuisance situation for us at the very least. Property damage on the low risk side. Death of human and/or animal on the high risk side.
I get grief all the time about not allowing access via gate code. I see the way MIL adults and I'm not a fan. That aside, she's the type to think she knows best. On everything. She blatantly skirts the rules then feigns ignorance. Thinks we're (read: I'm) overly cautious.
If she could accept that the home needs to be run in a very specific way for the health and safety of all residents - that it is not her responsibility nor liability and so she does not get to call the shots - I may be a little more accepting of her "well intentioned" meddling.
However, since she can't manage to accept and respect boundaries voluntarily, a large iron gate helps.
If you're not comfortable with the woman caring for the home or animals then she doesn't get access, especially not in your absence. Doesn't matter who she is or what connection she has to your life.
You have a responsibility to those animals and the people they interact with. That doesn't change with someone else's wants or conveniences.
" Extremely sensitive animals
" Extremely sensitive animals, deep chested = high risk heart and bloat issues. Physically huge pray driven sight hounds. Routine is an absolute must" Just curious what breed you have? By your mentions I kept thinking Wolf/Deerhound or RR? We own a Weim, I know what you're saying about liability/prey drive.
Wolfhounds.
Wolfhounds.
We don't have any issues (knock on wood) but we have acreage, some of it wooded, and there are critters. I expect my dogs to behave at all times but some of what I ask of them goes against instinct so I do everything I can to not set them up for failure.
It's so simple to keep everyone safe. But leashes and designated areas are just so cumbersome. I'm such a meanie. Lol
I wish my MIL understood this
I wish my MIL understood this. It is not about her not being welcomed at all. It is fully about keeping everyone safe. Yes she was around our boxer. We are going to get another dog and a large one. If we have both dogs when she comes up I know she will not be able to handle it.
She had no control over this dog when it lived with them. She would google training techniques and try out all different kinds. She would go overkill with them and they never worked. He would jump up on her and and jump and jump and never settle down until she walked away or my SO or his dad stepped in. It is funny when she came for x-mas the dog started to get all hyper and jumpy and followed her around. He acted just like a puppy because he knew he could. Watching her try to get him off her is really funny. He never does this with any other people in our house. Some times with us when we play but never with visitors.
Mine lets the skids run feral
Mine lets the skids run feral because that's what grandmas do - or some similarly ridiculous nonsense. Those boys steamroll her because they can. And she enjoys it to some extent but I think there's an element of intimidation there. She likes to parent over SO, too.
Like with the dogs. Very gentle and usually conscious of where their giant bodies are going but they are huge animals and house a lot of power. She likes to think that because we have property it's okay to just open the door and let the dogs out. She likes to think that because the horses are pretty and friendly that she's perfectly fine behaving in whatever manner she chooses. That I can't possibly mean it when I tell her both the dogs and the horses can easily clear that 5 foot fence with the proper motivation. I'm just being difficult.
I have zero doubts that if she had her way she'd be the catalyst to a major accident and the resulting lawsuit. Keeping those animals healthy and safe is my responsibility, I don't care whether or not she likes the methods I employ.
I'll never get through to her, though. Oh well.
These are your boundaries,
These are your boundaries, you and SO have set them up and they work for you.
Keep them. MIL will eventually get it and will hopefully stop arguing with you. Just smile and nod and keep saying no.
Who knows, at some point things might change and you will have them come stay with you but for right now it doesn’t work. There’s nothing wrong with knowing that it won’t work and saying so.
Thank you. I feel bad, I have
Thank you. I feel bad, I have a whole bunch of family coming up for the wedding in October and I do not feel comfortable with anyone staying with us at that point. I think my cousin and her boyfriend might stay but I will be home the entire time as I am taking off a few days for the wedding.
It has been difficult introducing the dog and the cats. It is way better than it was at first. The dog would stand at the gate the whole time and watch and would not eat his food. The cats just hid till they saw him gone. Now he ignores them when he sees the on the other side of the gate and will lay on the chair and not care too much. He even ignores the one that will whine a lot. They go nose to nose at the gate. He does not growl he will lay on his mat we set by the gate. He get down in his play mode when he see the cats. The one swats his paw at him all the time but he does not use his nails. This is the smart cat. He knows he is safe through the gate so he will swat the dog on the nose does not scratch him and will just sit there meowing at him. They play with one another through the gate.
Take that out of play. He get so excited and just goes at them. He is moving slower towards them. When the one got a good scratch in, I mean bloody. He did not get mean or vicious. He is a big softy and sweet heart just does not understand they are tiny and can break easy.
I do not like my in laws staying here either.
Too much to go into. I understand your point of view.
On the dog and cat issue. There is hope that they will all get along and you can get rid of the gates one day. We had two old cats with two new puppies. With working with them they all managed to respect each other. The one cat never cared for the dogs in her space. Before the other cat passed away she was best buddies with the dogs, they even would both clean her ears at the same time. We were all with her when she passed on.
Both cats were declawed on front paws but they still swiped the dogs in the face if they got too close. We did keep them separated unless supervised because the cats were so old. But the cats were loose in the room the dogs would be crated in. I think that helped them get used to each other. Lots of barking. But no bites! And the cats had a condo area they could get to for their litter box and food and some privacy.
Just keep working with them. Unfortunately in-laws are not as trainable as cats and dogs!