Tell IH he is beyond full of f-cking s*** first off. If all marriage was is a financial contribution then he's sucking at that too. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Which means BOTH participate in household chores too. BOTH take care of the kids, and BOTH contribute financially.

You seem to be giving everything you can financially. You took the lower paying job for the sake of the kids (you're a better person than I, FYI). So anything he's paying finanically you're paying for 10 times over in how hard YOU'RE working.

I get it. FInancially I'm doing the main supporting right now, and I admit DH does do a large chunk of the household chores, BUT, when I am home, I'm working on stuff, or helping get dinner, or getting kids places, whatever I can do to help lessen the load. Because he works all day too, he's not just sittin garound on his a$$, he's at school and then with the skids. So I split other things with him. I may be the financial contributer, but it's only even because we're both working hard in and out of work and school. A household can't be carrie don one person's back, and if he's so gung ho about his finances, then I guess he needs to hire a dang maid to do his share of the household work!

I'm sorry he's being so stupid, he deserves a kick up the a$$.

As for his debt. I made it VERY clear to DH, I understand that all his debt was caused by BM, BUT, I'm not paying a penny towards it. Everything for that is to be paid by HIM. Because he was the one that made the stupid decision to marry a psychotic wh0re. So don't pay his debts. That's not fair to you. (Also way to go on the credit cards! I avoid those like the plague too!)

He sounds awful.  So he basically goes to work and then comes home and plays on his phone and ignores everyone else in the house?  My DH is disabled and does more than your DH does.  He doesn't do a ton, but at least he'll vacuum, he picks BS8 up from school, he'll hang out with BS8 if I want to go somewhere etc.  I will say that it wasn't that easy when BS was a baby.  DH was just not a "baby" guy.  He was "daddy day" care though, so he watched BS while I was at work, changed diapers all day, entertained etc.  But when I would get home from work, BS was all mine lol  When BS got to be 3 or so, things got easier and better.  Maybe your DH will get better as your kids get a bit older and he can actually do things with them and not just "babysit"? 

I would point out to him that while you might financially contribute 1/3 of what he does, you physically contribute 100% of the household upkeep (cooking, cleaning, working and taking care of kids etc) So you're pretty much even here.

First of all, I don't understand why you don't pay childcare and TV/phone/internet with the household account.

I am so angry on your behalf! If I were you, I would start by adding up the things you pay that is an «ours» expense (that your IH should pay half of), and then I would calculate what you paid that was entirely «his». When you show him the figures, that should shut him up about your contributions.

Not to mention that he doesn't seem to be able to parent! Clearly, if you weren't doing all the heavy lifting, he would be in deep trouble.

I am so sorry you are dealing with an idiot husband.

My DH and I joke about our roles, which are very much not traditional.

I make more money than he does, so pay more towards bills, but he pays his share, and he does a lot of crap that I hate to do, like cooking and the laundry. I do a lot of crap that he doesn't like (or isn't good at), like taxes and actually dealing with the bills (or any paperwork!). We both clean. Overall, I think we contribute pretty equally and neither of us feels used.

When his daughter was young (she's 26, now), he took care of all of her needs and did not expect me to cook for her or babysit her. He's very nurturing and a great caregiver.

You seem to contribute quite a bit, financially, but if he is contributing more, and using that against you, that is a form of control and manipulation. Emotional abuse. Not to mention the fact that you seem to  take care of EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY.

I would feel used, also.

I don't see how, in figuring out the financial contributions, you don't include child care and insurance.  Taking that into account, it sounds to me like you might be contributing MORE than he is financially.  And your non-financial contributions are huge.  He is definitely NOT pulling his weight and he has a lot of nerve talking to you as if you are not an equal contributor.  It certainly sounds to me like your contribution is the larger one.  Do not let him get away with that.

I'm not married, and SO and I have separate houses even though we're now pretty much living in mine, so our finances are separate.  Our household chores are much more fairly divided than yours, though.  We both do dishes, we both do laundry, we both pick up.  I do most of the non-grill cooking and the grocery shopping.  The kids are his, so he does the heavy lifting there, although I certainly help out a lot with them.  No one gets coffee in bed!!  He probably does a little more of the outside work (mowing the lawn, taking trash to the curb, etc.), but we both do it.  I guess it's kind of who is around and has the time when a task needs to be done.  

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Re-read your blog.  Then ask yourself why you were defending IH earlier.

I get it, he is a PITA and a useless waste of husband skin but he is YOUR PITA useless waste of husband skin.  Human tendency is to embrace our own brand of pain because by heavens, it is ours.

Don't get me wrong, I get the men are from Mars and women are from Venus thing.  There is some accuracy to that.  However, in life, spouses should be equity life partners. That does not mean that there is a balance sheet where "equity" is tallied up with the financials, non financials, time, etc, etc, etc... but is is one of those things that you know it when  you see it.

I don't see it from your sharing of your life with us.

And I am a man for F sake.  Of course I don't intuitively see the same things that my wife notices. Many of the things that drive her nuts don't even register on my RADAR screen.  But.... I get that I have far more responsibilities to deliver on than just income in order to be her equity life partner.  So, I make it a point to clean up after dinner. I make it a point to schedule dinner upon occasion and just make it happen so she doesn't have to worry about it, I will upon occasion just book a trip for us without asking her a single thing about it or to do a single thing.  I just tell her that we will be gone from date X to date Y and a few days ahead I suggest the conditions she should pack for.

Yes, historically I make 70+% of our household income and for the past 7 years I have made 100% of it. Though that is about to change. She will be re-engaging her own successful professional career fairly shortly.

However, she is the one that generally manages our home, our life together, our social life, our finances, is responsible for our ~849+/- credit score, manages our joint health efforts, etc, etc, etc... so for damned sure I can clean the kitchen, wash the dishes, take out the garbage, do my own laundry, take some of the pressure off of her by just doing things before she has to ask me to do them (I fail at this one quite frequently but... i do make an effort),  recognize how amazingly she manages and cares for our life together, and make an effort to do "random" things like research cars to an adnauseam level and take her to test drive a selection so we can buy her first car in more than 7 years, bring home flowers, just grab her by the hand and spontaneously take her shopping for an amazing purse or pair of shoes she has repeatedly pointed out in one of her plethora of chick magazines and just crush on her blatantly so she gets what she means to me, to us, to our son, and to the extended Rags clan.

Even then... I fall far short as her equity life partner.

Your IH isn't even trying.

Take care of you and the kids. Let this one figure the rest out on his own with whatever  he has left after paying a crap-ton of CS.

IMHO of course.

MONEY
DH and I split the household bills. Our personal bills are exacty that - his and hers. I don't pay his; he doesn't pay mine. We will, on rare occasion, loan each other a bit of money that is always paid back on payday (our companies have different pay dates). When we were single, we just did without. He pays for the skids. I have here and there, but they were things I offered to pay for up front. But we do not - and never have - fought over money.

CHORES
I have a desk job. DH has a VERY physical job. Because I sit on my hiney (too much), I do more household chores - dusting, vacuuming, laundry, cooking (except for skids - DH cooks for skids)... I LIKE doing these things AND it gets me off my rearend. DH does more physical chores - lawnmowing, yard work, takes out the trash, cleans up after the skids, cleans the bathroom, mops the kitchen floor. While this may not SEEM like a fair split, this is our agreement and we are happy with it.

Your IH is being a big ol' poopie head.

Chef had this thought that because he knew how to turn a wrench, he was god's gift to women and that I was the slacker:

THEN:

Chef worked a full time job just to pay CS.  I worked a full time job and jobs on the side to pay all the household expenses, do all his legal paperwork, the taxes, the bill paying, the filing, the pet care, most of the cooking only for him to imply I was "not pulling my weight."

NOW:

Chef works a part time job on the weekends so that CS will have something to pull their almost $200 a week from.  The rest of the time he has his own business which I do all the paperwork, accounting, bookkeeping, taxes.  He basically works non-stop 7 days a week but is home earlier than me so he now does 90% of the cooking, grocery shopping and cleans the kitchen, sweeps, takes out the trash.  He does 99% of all the fixing/repair at the house and does most of the bringing in of the wood for the two woodstoves.  He also does most of the wood chopping, splitting and stacking in the summertime.

I work full time plus side work, pay all the expenses, do all the pet care, clean the bathroom(s), window washing (we have three exterior french doors--Spring/Autumn cleaning)  do the laundry, make the bed, dust, do the hottub chem-ing and maintenance, yard work in the summer/lawn, do the plant care.  He no longer implies that my duties are a "cake walk."

Your husband needs to wake up and smell the appreciation (or lack thereof)

You need to write down everything you do on a spreadsheet and find out the costs for services. Cleaning, cooking, laundry, daycare, mileage for dropping the kids off at daycare. As for the cooking don't go by what any short order cook would get paid, if you IH likes the food you cook, then figure the cost of a chef. Once you have the spreadsheet with all the costs that should be shared by him, show it to him and ask him if he would like to contribute to raising his little girls, or if he's going to be a deadbeat , like his ex. 

Also show how much you spent on the closing costs of your home, paying off his credit debt, and his storage rental. If that doesn't shut him up, Tell him, that a better man would not disrepect the mother of his 2 little girls that he totally ignores. I personally would hand him the bill for the storage and the debt that was his that you paid off.

Do a new household budget and include ALL the costs -- storage rental,daycare, etc.

It takes way more than money to run a household and raise kids. Your asshat DH doesn't get that? He'd be taking care of everything (except the kids, but he doesn't do that anyway) if you booted his ass. And I'd consider it.

I'm the higher wage earner; DH is retired. He takes care of the cleaning (he writes the check to the house cleaners), takes care of the lawn (writes a check to the lawn guy), does most of the laundry (except for most of my work clothes because he's not careful). He DOES handle all the various service people that need access to the house -- plumber, roofer, those kinds of things that happen occasionally. He also does most of the grocery shopping; I go with him maybe half the time. We both do dishes and cook, but I am almost always the one to unload the dishwasher. He does all the gardening, hedge trimming, anything but cut the grass. I pay the bills and handle vet appointments for the dogs. He asks me every day if there is anything he can do for me, and on the rare occasions there is an errand to run or something, he does that too.

Lilywen, if you're just venting great, get it all off your chest. If you want things to change, however, you need to start by owning your part in this unfair dynamic. This man is taking advantage because you let him and enable him.

Why are you making his lunch, laying his clothes out for him, and serving him coffee in bed? Is he disabled? Mentally challenged?? Incapable of cooking, doing laundry, or dog walking? Is he lazy, have you marginalized him, or is the truth somewhere in between?

Yes, your marriage needs to be recalibrated, and there are many ways you could restructure the division of labor and finances. But you need take a hard look at yourself and be willing to embrace change even when it feels uncomfortable. If you are a perfectionist, have control issues, or are just a garden variety martyr, you should deal with that first so that you'll be able to negotiate a successful, more equitable arrangement.

Finaces are easiest to address. You could  create a spreadsheet of your family finances, including childcare and insurance. Show what you pay vs what your H pays, and tell him that starting on X date, he needs to increase his contribution by $____ to cover his share.

Next, draw up a list of chores and responsibilities. Include columns showing who currently does them, and a blank one for revision. Hopefully seeing the breakdown in black and white will wake your H up, but you'll need to be willing to let go, step back, and let him perform tasks his own way. I think if you approach him without blame, and instead admit that you've taken on too much and need his help, you'll get a better result.

Lastly, I want to touch on parenting. Kids need their fathers to be present and engaged, especially girls. Men do parent differently, and many lack the attention to detail we women have,  but  it's in your  daughters' best interest to spend time with their father. Instead of showing him that you don't trust him around his own children, start showing him that you do.   Set their relationship up to succeed by  finding ways to bring them together. He can't learn to think like a parent without practice.

I hope you are getting paid for your work as a servant... I'm sorry, but I stopped reading at "I lay his clothes out for him". 

I would stop doing so much for your H.  Wow.

My DH makes 3x as much as I do.  We have 3 little boys together, and I thought he did little with them, but compared to your H, mine is amazing.  My DH does his own laundry while I do the rest of the household laundry.  I stopped making him dinner during the week when he refused to give me an idea of when he would come home from work.  My DH won't put the kids to bed at night ever, but he will "watch" one or the other on weekends if the others have things going on.

I think what keeps me sane is that I get a babysitter once a week for me to play tennis.  Take the money out of joint account, and have some regular time to decompress.

a child from birth to the 18th b-day as $233,610.

Historically, quoting this number in blended family communities online draws a ton of fire but... it is fairly accurate IMHO.

Though I am on the CP side of the StepParent fense I do tend to be somewhat sensitive to the insanity of the lack of accountability in how CPs use CS I also don't have much regard for NCPs who complain about having to pay a few $hundred a month in CS per kid.  When you consider food, utilities, clothing, transportation, shelter, insurance, medications, education, etc, etc, etc.... CS is and should be manditory. 

I would be a proponent of taking the $233K, anualizing it, then applying that monthly number to determining CS at the disolution of the adult relationship by dividing that responsibility equally between the BioParents for the remaing months until the kid turns 18  . Make it purely math based and pull judgement out of it. e.g $233K/18 = $12944/yr/12=$1078/mo which is the total monthly number to support a child per month from age 0-18.  Divide that by 2 and you get $539/mo in CS obligation owed by the NCP for each child in question.  From that point the Judge only needs to decide who has the best case to be the CP.  Ideally there will be a 50/50 agreeement between the parents, no one pays anyone anything and the adults are each responsible for the support of the child when the child is with that parent.

If the parents want to fight... they know the number they risk getting stuck with before they even start the fight.

Simple, straight forward and effective.

The USDOA number does not even take into account college costs that family may contribute.

My SIL (DW's youngest sib) is one of  those morons who spouts that it costs no more to raise two kids than one. All while scamming $tens of thousands out of family over the years through veils of "my kids are starving" tears.  My DW and I just tell her... "you bred em so  you feed em, you house em, you clothe em" while much of the rest of my IL clan keep flushing good money after bad bailing her out.

Keeping it simple makes life a whole lot less dramatic IMHO.

My DH is NOT the primary household caretaker.  I accept that about him and we have regular discussions about it.  I'm clear on what my expectations are and he lets me know he appreciates that.  That's #1.  I am better at it.  DH is like the absent-minded professor, super smart but cannot organize for the life of him and his house repair skills are lacking; and I enjoy doing it more.

When DH becomes busy, like working every day, I do tend to short circuit since he assumes I will "cover" for him, um, no.  I still expect him to take at least some time out of his day to clean up his mess in the kitchen, put away his laundry and take out the trash. 

I've also decided to hire a once a month house-cleaner for sure.  DH is making good money at this time and dammed if I'm going to take up all the housecleaning slack while I still work full time and we have two SDs who are not required to help with the household in general.  I've already hired people and had the house worked on this month for upkeep and I'm going to contact my neighbor for her housecleaner's number.  DH already pays for the SDs bathroom to be cleaned once a month.

In summary:  your DH should know what each of you will do and what happens if it's not done.

I haven't even got into the money issue b/c that's not a big problem for us.  We have separate accounts, one shared "house account" from which all house general expenses and fixes are paid from.  He pays for his personal expenses and me, mine. Groceries are a little more contentious but that's an ongoing conversation for us.