Soon to be SM reaching out for help!
WOW - never thought I'd be posting here, but I feel I have nowhere to turn, so here I am. I'm new to this, so please bear with me...
My fiancé and I have been together for almost 10 years and will finally be saying "I DO" in less than 3 months. I have one daughter (23) and he has two (21 & 19). We had a few hills and valleys with the oldest two when we initially moved in together 5 years ago, but the youngest (who is the only one left at home and is only there 1/2 the time) is currently wreaking havoc on our household.
A little history...the oldest (23) has lived on her own for 2 years, goes to college and works full time. The middle (21) secretly got married at 18 and moved to GA with her husband 2 years ago. That leaves the youngest (19) who is the last one at home. After 23 and 21 moved away, 19 started to spiral downward quickly. She got into a physical fight with another girl, posted it on social media, which resulted in charges being filed and 1 year of probation. She dropped out of HS - but later got her GED. She's been busted for smoking marijuana in public, has dated horrible and abusive guys and goes through friends like I go through toilet paper. She has no job and doesn't go to college but somehow finds time to take plenty of selfies and post on Twitter (note the sarcasm). She has broken house rules by smoking in the house (marijuana and cigarettes), drinking alcohol when we aren't home and goodness knows what else! Let's just say, the last 2 years have been painful. My fiancé has gone from being mega-strict and firm to being extremely lenient at the first glance of good behavior - even rewarding her at times. And then she behaves poorly again and the cycle continues. I have stood by and watched as he has become soft with her, encouraging him to stay strong, but he is afraid to hurt her feelings and ignite the fire within her. Because of all of this I have started to disengage and distance myself from her. She has been incredibly mean and hurtful to me, not to mention disrespectful, so I have pulled away and have chosen to no longer let her behavior affect me.
Let me pause briefly by saying, I know 19 is a sweetheart deep down - I've seen it, but she definitely has anger management issues, is manipulative and feels abandoned by her sister (21) and step (23) since they both "left her" at the same time.
Up until this point, my fiancé and I have had a united front with 19 and how to respond to her bad behavior, however he does 100% of the direct parenting and I just stand on the sidelines since she is not my child. But recently 19s behavior has worsened...she has taken my things from our room without asking, is increasing argumentative and is being downright disrespectful to both of us. 2 weeks ago things finally came to a breaking point and my fiancé recommended that 19 stay with her mom full-time. Just last Friday my fiancé went to dinner with 19 to discuss her recent behavior and restate the rules of the house and expectations of her when she is here. Well, while at dinner 19 started the manipulation game...crying at the table and telling my fiancé she doesn't feel welcome in our home. She continued on to tell him that I "irritate" her...more specifically, my VOICE irritates her. She said that I am trying too hard and it bothers her and makes her not want to be around me. She had some other petty complaints about me - all personal attacks - and I'm wondering where this is coming from since I've been part of her life for almost 10 years and this has never surfaced before.
You don't know me, so let me share this about myself. I am happy 95% of the time, so when 19 walks through the door a greet her with "Hi sweetheart! How are you?" in an upbeat and loving tone...and apparently this is the tone that bothers her. I greet her this way #1 because I love her and am genuinely happy to see her, #2 I never know what mood she will be in so I try to greet her with warmth and happiness and #3 I greet all 3 of the girls that way, whether on the phone or in person. It's just who I am.
The problem now? My fiancé is not 'having my back'. He told me the details of their Friday night conversation and conveyed to me how 19 was feeling and how I was making her feel, but he was not allowing me to share my thoughts and feelings on the matter. Instead he expects me to "be the adult" and "fix" my relationship with 19. I never knew my relationship with her needed "fixing" and I don't feel as though I have done anything wrong to warrant me approaching her on the subject.
So my post is two-fold....how do I deal with 19? Do I reach out and try to repair our relationship or will it be a waste of my time since she does not respect me anyway? Do I simply ignore this phase and wait for her to grow out of it?
Secondly, how do I get my fiancé to see my side and hear my thoughts and feelings? Every time I try to express myself he says I'm being defensive....which I suppose I am - but it's only because he is not there defending me!
Any help/advice/suggestion is greatly appreciated!
And here we go again.... the 'yes but' part of the picture
"Let me pause briefly by saying, I know 19 is a sweetheart deep down - I've seen it, but she definitely has anger management issues, is manipulative and feels abandoned by her sister"
No... she isn't a sweet heart at any level. She is of poor character, has issues that are not being consistently or effectively confronted, and she is nasty. Not much sweet about that is there?
I would advise that you stop trying to find the good in this one and just confront her crappy behavior. Hold her feet to the fire with the consequences of her crappy behavior, and quit treating her like a coddled bratty child and start treating her like the criminal, nasty, PITA adult that she is.
Then and only then will she have any chance of pulling her own head out of her butt and gaining some clarity and a chance to possibly become a person of character and quality. It is a slim chance, and one I would not put a whole lot of hope into were I you but... if this doesn't happen then I don't think that there is any hope at all.
First... call a locksmith to re-key the locks and put her toxic ass on the curb. Leave her there and let her navigate the growing up completion process in her own time, on her own dime, and somewhere else. You and your FDH raised her to the launch point. Now light the platform on fire and let her fly or go down in flames. Why invest any more of your own life happiness into this losing proposition?
I wouldn't were I you.
Good luck and take care of you.
Congratulations on the wedding.
Ooops. I forgot the most important part.
Welcome jooleej1107
I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and to pick up some useful perspective from others who are living the dream of the blended family adventure.
It sounds to me that you and your FDH are batting .750 in the successful raising and launch of your blended family children. That is a solid record.
Good luck on this last one though.
I'll add my opinion...
Losing your sisters to the real world isn't easy- I had to do it with mine when I was younger than SD19 and it wasn't easy. However, it seems to me that she has seized her moment and gone full out to disrupt things. I would also tell SO that you aren't sure about getting married just yet. It may seem that she is 'winning' here, but trust me postponing the wedding may send the right signals to SO and give you time to think about these SDs because- they are not going away! Kids come back, or things happen and they deal with them badly- adult skids are just as difficult as younger ones, so I don't agree with the launching thing.
You are right to disengage- stop doubting yourself because this is another tactic used to wear you down. Stay strong and stay calm. Tell SO that you cannot fix what you did not cause- none of this is your fault. She is his daughter and the fixing is his shout- if he backs away don't do it for him or it will be part of those unspoken marriage vows that say- 'I promise to deal with all the shit, even that I didn't cause,' because that's what he thinks you will be signing up for.
Finally, let us know how you get on- you may not like what we say but it is the voice of experience seeing what lies ahead if it isn't sorted. Take care of yourself.
I feel bad for you having to
I feel bad for you having to deal with a disrespectful adult skid. If I were in this situation and had a hateful adult step living in our home while breaking the law and a fiancé supporting this behavior, I would:
- Put the wedding plans on hold and tell fiancé I cannot be legally involved in a relationship like this.
- Tell my fiancé that being disrespected in my home in unacceptable. Either he address it or I will.
- If SD breaks the law in my home again, I will call the police.
- Stop seeing this SD as a sweetheart and come to terms with that she is not a sweetheart and seems to be from what you describe as a disrespectful, law breaking, hateful, toxic, poor excuse of an adult.
- If SD does not have a job and does not pay rent, then request she get off her pot smoking loser butt, get a job, and pay rent. She is an adult now and should be acting as such. If she does not, then she can leave.
- Have a talk with my fiancé and tell him that he should have your back, this is his kid not yours, and he needs to deal with her. You dealing with her is just going to set her off more.
No one deserves to be treated like you have. Do not settle for this and stand up for yourself. I would disengage from the SD. She is not a good person. Young mean adult skids grow up to be even meaner adult skids. I have 3 of these hateful nightmares.