Parenting habit of mine that I do NOT like
When she was little, I would always remind her of the consequences of things so she would have a warning. "remember, if you hang on that towel hanger that you are holding onto right now again and it breaks, you will be in time out".
Well, this has carried on to tweenhood, including reminders about the phone and internet, and I feel like it is coming across more like threats, which I don't want to be that parent that is always threatening. I do not intend it that way, but I get stuck in it because if I DON'T give her reminder-warnings "remember, logging on to facebook, if you put bad words, you lost it for weekend; if you friend strangers or give out number you lose it rest of the year". Now if I DON'T do that, she will do the things against the rules and feign ignorance "I forgot" "no one told me I wasn't supposed to do that" etc.
So what do you do. I felt bad tonight because her middleschool boyfriend (they only see each other in school, and there is no way to stop them at school they will still do what they want at school and just lie to you about it) - he is posting "I LOVEYOU" on her page and "we 2gether 4 1 month we no each uther so good now huh" (she said she wanted to kiss the little bugger in a couple months when she knew him better, so where you think that camre from...) - SO
I told her she better tell him to calm it down (So I told her that if it did not cool off the "Love you babyyy" "Ur hot" "Ur prettiest". He can say sweet things, but needs to tone it down its getting creepy) or he would push it too far and he would be removed from her friend list and blocked. Both her grandfathers are gagging over it already and messaging me "do you look at her facebook??"...Yes, every single night I look at her GD facebook and check her messages and check her friends list and check what she has spammed out with "share" and "like".. Every.single.night. Yes, I see it, yes I talked to her. I didn't really pay attention to the I love you because all the girls and boys say that to each other every day, creepy there too, but whatever. The girls say "Love you beautiful sissy" to every female friend and "Love you handsome bro" to every male friend.
I know. Gag.
Oy. I could make a "rules" poster then really bite my tongue to not reiterate the "be forewarned" that comes out like a threat. That might work. I am so ingrained into it, I go down the list every time she gets on the computer or walks out the door. "Don't walk off to help any stranger with any baby, kid, or dog; do not go near someone's car; stay with the people you are with; do not walk off alone".
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A tween shouldn't even have a
A tween shouldn't even have a Facebook account..easy fix.
Agree
Agree
That is not helpful at all.
That is not helpful at all. Every kid, literally, in her grade has a facebook. That alone does not make it acceptable for me, but I want her to learn how to be responsible and respectful and safe online, for the future, and not just be restricted and the only one of her friends that is not part of the crowd. Things are different today than they were 10-20 years ago. Also, they will just make secret FB account at a friends house (There is one kid that did that because she is forbidden so she just made a secret one and lies to the parents). This is inevitable with tweens. They all sneak, and those that say "not my kid, MY kid never does aaaanything" are either full of it or blind.
Second, just having no facebook or no cell does not exactly mold and teach the tween how to be a more responsible/manageable teen.
I would rather take the difficult road and work with her teaching her boundaries, respect, and online safety than just keep her off so she can run wild unmonitored at friend's houses and go wild with internet ignorantly as a teen.
I could take the easy lazy route, but she is worth a lot more than that, even if it does frustrate me and wear me out every once in a while.
Make up a contact and have
Make up a contact and have her read and sign it. She reads it allowed, signs that she understands and agrees o the above conditions. Update annually.
At least you check and
At least you check and monitor her FB account, and are trying to guide her to safe use of it and keep boundaries. I deactivated my FB account about a year ago, because my SD15, from the age of about 13, put disgusting stuff on her FB page - pics of herself, and sexually explicit remarks. Neither my DH nor her NPD BM seemed to give a stuff that this kind of thing was taking place, and I got sick of trying to police her account and tell my DH about everything she put on there.
I agree, it's pointless trying to prevent them having an account - they will find a way, and it's better that it's one you know about.
They all write things like ur
They all write things like ur hot and pretty etc. I think you are over sensoring the content at this point. Back off a bit - give her some breathing space.
I agree with 20Years about
I agree with 20Years about over censoring. However, the weird luvy-dovey affection shown by tweens seems to be driven by today's hyper-sexualized pop culture, and I wouldn't want my tween daughter on the receiving end of it. A boy should treat her like a person, not like a new toy. My experience with my daughter (now 17) is that if advice came from me it was dismissed, but if it came from someone else it had her attention.
Since her grandfathers are on Facebook and concerned about the posts, they should say something about it to her. Then your daughter will see that it isn't just you who is gagging, and that the boy's creepy comments are making her look bad to others. You've already given her the tool to do something about it--tell him to calm it down--so give her the breathing space to get there on her own.
The "ur pretty" is something
The "ur pretty" is something I love, but didn't mention that. Its the creepy crap this boy writes that is obviously meant to push her to kiss him. She said she wanted to date him a few months and be 13 and "get to know you a bit better" - so he posts on her facebook "we 2gether 4 a whole month we no each uther SO amazing close now". That is pretty obvious.
Yeah, I will have to give her some breathing space, where I can see her breathing at this point because she just keeps doing things to break the rules.
Her grandfather finally posted "this is really not appropriate, tell the boy its fine to say you're pretty, but the innuendoing and over doing it is not acceptable for your age". He said it on her page, too.
Her father was SUPPOSED to say something to discuss breaking the rules and sneaking, but instead when he got home, he just wanted to "make her happy" because she was sulking about the phone (I was not mean at all, I said -this was your decision, sweetheart, you chose to not only break a rule but tried to sneak and lie along with it and you know the consequence is doubling the original consequence, so the phone is gone all week now". I even thanked her for not lying when she tripped up in her lie and ended up telling the truth (She was stuck). Instead, I made dinner and he told daughter he would put a different vegetable on the stove if she did not want the peas and mashed potatoes that I had made! *I was having Braxton Hicks a minute and had to sit down it was so tight - I said oh hell no to that...*
She punished me by sitting at the kitchen table for her dinner instead of coming into the living room and by sucking up hardcore to Daddy "want ME to make the drinks Daddy? Here Daddy, I will put your laundry in the laundry room. Can I make your plate for you Daddy?" - She was sucking up so bad it was ridiculous. She tried telling him that I was being mean by extending the phone punishment for sneaking and texting the boy on the friend's phone at midnight. Ugh. Good thing is she got over it and straightened up after her shower before I did have to be mean haha. I was actually proud of myself for not going in there and yelling, however.
This....at some point if you
This....at some point if you want her to be responsible, you have to stop repeating the warnings. Trust me, they know, and they didn't forget, not at that age.
She always has played stupid
She always has played stupid SO WELL that we honestly thought she could not remember anything and that she was well, not very smart (per her father not me; I always said she is playing us like a fiddle ages 7-11). Her father especially would always say "SEE she FORGOT she wasn't supposed to text at 1am on a school night, even though you reminded her as she was going to bed to turn the phone off she FORGOT while walking up the stairs!"... yeah. She got away with that.
She pulled "dumb face AKA angel face" a lot too- she gets this innocent angelic (and sort of not-smart-looking) affect (she is very very beautiful and can do that sweet innocent face really really well! --and says she did not know about that rule and either was never told or reaaally forgot. This was believed for a long time until I said look, either fess up to what you are doing, or we are seriously going in for evaluations because I was starting to really worry about her mentality and not in a snarky hateful SM way, but in a "oh god does my kid really have mental retention problems and a low ability to process thought????" feared way.
She still tries with the lying since it worked soo well from age 7 to 11, but we no longer believe any of it. We no longer listen to her "excuses" or "reasons" either, simply you're caught and here's the consequence, Gnight. That is so much better than sitting there arguing knowing they are lying.
Yep, now I see where it is coming from. She got away with it so she is still trying it. I have been trained to remind her nightly of all the rules or every time she logs on to remind her of computer rules, every time she goes to a friends house remind her not to do xyz like sneaking out to meet boys and the consequences of each action. She is 13, she knows these things, she just got me trained to believe that she cannot retain this information or that if it is not repeated to her she shouldn't be responsible. (Also, "Friend's mom said yes and let me" when she knows our rules do not end at our front door, but she "forgets").
*lightbulb moment* This is just continuation of falling for that "playing stupid/forgetful" thing.
I will write down the major rules, along with the consequences of each (and progressive consequences), and have her sign it. No more multiple warnings and threats of what the consequences will be for future infractions. She knows. If she chooses to lose her facebook for the rest of the year for a big infraction or multiple safety infractions, that's her consequence.
That is the craziest part, I
That is the craziest part, I am very consistent with follow through of consequences. If she is given a consequence, it is NEVER rescinded early or dropped for anything. There is no arguing and debating, this action = that consequence.
So she is given warnings, rules are reviewed, consequences are fair and not blanketed for all things (i.e. sending a text at 9:15 being 15 minutes past curfew does not garner the same punishment as texting nonstop sneaking until midnight nor the same as if she facebook messages a stranger; I keep it fair and balanced as best as possible).
Still, she knows the rules, and she does what she wants hoping to get away with it.
Two days ago, I got this feeling that since she had been asking to go on "dates" with that creepy boy that is pushing to kiss her, i just got that feeling that when she spends the night with a friend, she and the friend would try to walk out of the friend's neighborhood to meet up with the boy(s) and have sneaky unsupervised time together. SO, I told her if you do that, it will be the last time you go to that friend's house, seriously, ever - there will be no "one more chance" no "last warning", that friend will be gone.
Guess what, Daughter told me today I WAS right, but it was not HER it was her BFF who spent the night with another of the girls and met her "boyfriend" at the park they texted each other to walk to. the BFF got caught because her DAD was driving down the road and saw her and the boy kissing and hugging all up on each other next to the road at the little park. BFF is grounded for a month.
They are all so freaking sneaky, its exhausting.
She is grounded from the cell phone for double the length now (standard practice for if you sneak or lie along with the behavior/action) and I told her I am taking a break from monitoring her phone and her computer and her social activities for at least a week, which means she has none unless she can convince Dad to sit next to her while she is on facebook and monitor her fully- he looked at her and said "L O L" (literally ELL, Ohh, ELL, he said hahaha) before walking upstairs.
Not a bad kid, she doesn't do half the stuff all her friends do (SERIOUSLY...).
You're right though, I have warned her to death but she used to play stupid so much that we REALLY thought she was stupid - "Did you tell me that, I didn't KNOW that was naughty ooooh gooosh" we don't fall for the "playing dumb" crap any more!