He is going to sign the divorce papers
I really don't know how I feel about it. As crazy as this sounds, I thought he would at the very least, make some attempt to salvage the marriage (not that there was any salvation to be found) but, I wanted him to TRY. I guess I just didn't want to be left feeling like I wasted the last 9 years with him. Maybe because I tried so hard to keep it all together for so long, I expected that for once, he would show some effort... for me. Nope. He tried harder for that psycho BM than he ever did for me, and he claims that he hated her. I guess that must be a fringe benefit of being the golden uterus or something. :sick: .
He left me a VM telling me that he would always love me but, he didn't think he could make the changes I needed him to make. (*Read* Not able to stop kissing his owners a$$es.) LMFAO....'changes I needed him to make.' More like changes ANY self-respecting woman worth her salt would expect.
You know, I think the thing that bothers me the most.... is knowing that those shitty little spoiled brats actually won. I can literally see my in-laws breaking open a bottle of bubbly and celebrating. Hell, MIL will probably be the first to call BM and tell her. It's crazy. MIL hates BM but, she could always control her so that made BM the lesser of the evils I guess.
So, that's it. 9 years wiped away with the stroke of a pen. Still not sure how I feel about it all. :?
- AlreadyGone's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Thanks for the words of
Thanks for the words of encouragement. Time does heal and I know that as hard as this has been, it was necessary. No one is worth my sanity, lol.
I'm really sorry. I know you
I'm really sorry. I know you don't 'want' him, but it's nice to feel like he would have fought just a little.
I think that having kids in a marriage does make some people try harder. I know it was a HUGE factor in my marriage lasting as long as it did.
You know, you're right. I
You know, you're right. I don't 'want' him. Not the way he is, because I can't respect a man who shows such disregard for my thoughts and feelings. But yeah, I guess I did hope that he'd at least fight a little bit. Then again, the fact that he didn't, just tells me that I was correct in my decision. I couldn't keep making him my priority when clearly, I wasn't his.
Thanks for taking the time to reply. I appreciate it.
"I firmly believe that the
"I firmly believe that the way the estranged spouse behaves during the separation/divorce proceedings completely validates the reason the marriage failed."
This is so very true! Never the one to roll up his sleeves and do what needed to be done. It was always better to do the 'easy' thing.... better for him anyway.
Today I am looking ahead, and even though I got knocked for a loop with all of this... I have learned a lot about myself and what I want in this life.
Thanks for the kind words.
Thank you for the
Thank you for the encouragement and support. I was slowly becoming a shell of my former self and no man is worth that!
Amen! Even now I wonder why
Amen! Even now I wonder why he ever married me. I am a straight shooter and everyone always knows where they stand with me. I just wish he had been more honest about who HE really was. Things may have turned out quite differently, lol.
Thanks for the kind reply.
"Isn't the treatment so much
"Isn't the treatment so much better before marriage in most cases?"
It certainly was in my case, lol.
Thank you!
"We want to at least feel
"We want to at least feel they would try." So true!
He tried so hard for the BM even after he knew what she was. If I was supposedly 'the better match' then his lack of trying must mean that I had little value to him from the start. Hmmm... suddenly I feel more grateful than sad, lol.
Thanks!
They say divorce is
They say divorce is equivalent to the death of a loved one .. no matter how horrible or miserable you were in the marriage, you still go through a period of grieving.
I'm happy for you, but also understand why you're a bit disappointed. Just think of it like, sure MIL and BM and brat skids "won" .. but WHAT did they win? A man that made you unhappy, was self-centered, selfish, etc? If so, then they can HAVE him!
Best of luck to you honey!
You know, it does feel like a
You know, it does feel like a death. The death of hopes and dreams that will never be. The funny thing is, I feel like I've been in mourning for a long time already. So, I'll focus on me and getting my life back on track.
What they all win is a man who doesn't make an honest effort with anyone. Throw the money around and pray like heck that you don't have to actually participate in their lives. He should have stayed married to the BM, she was always happiest spending the cash and disappearing in to the night with every man who would have her. LMAO. Neither of them made any effort. They never lived, they merely existed. What kind of a sorry life is that? NOT MINE!
I actually understand what
I actually understand what your STBXDH is doing. My XW and I had issues for the first 18mos of our 2.5 year marriage. At that time I sat her down and asked her point blank "Do you want a divorce." My intent was to shake her out of the constant lethargy she had towards our marriage and her standard answer of "I don't know" when I would attempt to determine what was wrong with the marriage from her perspective. Her answer was as usual "I don't know". So I worked with that and got us moving forward together by setting up marriage counseling, doing more together on weekends and evenings, etc ....
After about 7mos of counseling she walked out of the couselor's office when we started to broach the subject of our intense lack of intimiacy. She stood up and said "I do not have a problem with sex" and walked out never to return to counseling.
About 8wks later she told me she wanted a divorce. I told her to go file. She freaked and started crying "You are not going to try to talk me out of it?"
At that point I was done. I had poured my heart and soul in to a souless and nearly affectionless marriage for 26 months and I was done.
You may want to investigate why your STBXDH is not willing to even try. It could be that his feelings are much like yours. You have tried and tried and are done. Though not reality, maybe he feels the same way.
In my XW's case, she very clearly recognized and admitted that the failure of the marriage was all on her even to the point of telling me "You can have everything, I just want out." Of course when it go closer to the actual divorce hearing "nothing" turned in to a whole lot. But, as they say, that is another story all together.
I am sorry to hear of the demise of your marriage.
Well Rags, your reply is a
Well Rags, your reply is a little confusing, lol. I'm sure this is lack of sleep on my part, so I hope that you will come back and quantify a bit more.
If you understand what my STBXH is doing, I'd sure like a male perspective here. Not that it would change a thing, just curious.
From my own POV, this is what I know. If it's easy, he'll gladly do whatever it takes... if it's a got any degree of difficulty, he will gladly ACT as though he is trying, when he really isn't.
When it came to his adult children, his parents or the BM, he would tell me what I wanted to hear (to the point of agreeing with me 100%) and then go with whatever THEY wanted, and he did this knowing full well what his intentions were. So, basically, he would lie to my face to keep from having to communicate honestly or quantify HIS actions.
Having said that, I asked many times if he really felt that how he was dealing with them was right for him. He would tell me 'no, it was just easier.' My thought at the time, was that if he really believed that he was doing the right thing, then at least own it. If he had chosen to be that honest, I clearly would have known what to expect, and would probably have moved on, since our values are so polar opposite. I felt that there was no point in either of us being trapped in an unhappy situation. He chose to continuously mislead me and when I objected to that behavior, I was met with detachment and silent treatments.
One day, I decided that I couldn't sustain a life with him any longer under those circumstances so I had divorce papers drawn up, (unknown to him.) I held back for another 5 months, still trying to make it work. The last go 'round, I left. Initially, he wanted couseling and then backtracked to make it all my fault. Well, I can't fix something I didn't break. His relationship with his adult kids, his parents, and the BM were broken long before I entered the fold. Why should I continue to suffer at their hands? (rhetorical.)
I never expected him to beg me to reconsider my decision. I just hoped that somewhere in all of this, he would realize what he was really losing, and at least be somewhat regretful. Instead, it is my understanding that HE is taking both of his adult children on vacation.... again! I am but a distant memory and it sucks knowing that I counted for so little.
So yeah, him fighting just a little would have been nice. Considering that I fought so damn hard and struggled the entire time.
What doesn't kill us makes us stronger!
Thanks for your support. It
Thanks for your support. It is kindly appreciated.
So very sorry. I do wish you
So very sorry. I do wish you the best. I understand it's hard, I've been through 2 divorces and never will be the same - but for me, it turned out to be a good thing! Keep your head up and take care of you and it'll all fall into place.
So sorry to hear this, the
So sorry to hear this, the old saying is ture. BEtter to be alone and happy then with someone and miserable. Loveis blind hind sight is 20/20. Now you know what to not get involved with. Good Luck with your new life.
I read some of your other
I read some of your other post and I think the best word here is Congratulations! I dated my ex (we lived together for 3 years), his child, and his child's mother for 5 years before throwing in the towel. I felt every emotion in the end that you are feeling. I dont think I cared that I was losing my boyfriend/bestfriend as much as I cared that all those other bastards had "won". But I tell you, 2 years later not and in the present I am the one who "won" because I do not have to put up with their garbage anymore. The ex and I have not spoken since I moved out two years ago. At that time that breakup was the worst thing that I felt like I could go thorough (even felt worse than when my Dad died) only because there were so many emotions that I was dealing with. Today, I am married to an AMAZING man with two kids and I swear I couldnt be happier! Best wishes to you and just know that feeling of "them winning" will go away as soon as you start enjoying your life without having to deal with their mess!
Many thanks to everyone who
Many thanks to everyone who replied. You have all been so kind and encouraging. I hope that all of your spouses and sk's appreciate the caring individuals, you all so obviously are!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
10 gallonhas a good point.
10 gallonhas a good point. What did they win! Not only that think of what Hs life will be like one day. His kids will be all grown up and living their lives and he will alone.