Dear future partner,

*Now I am happily married but after reading tragic stories here I thought I would write an open letter to any man considering setting up home with one of us*

I know life has dealt you and your children some hard blows. However before we dance off into the horizon and sunset I thought I would let you in on a few of my ideas.

I am not a substitue parent for your children. Nor am I an unpaid babysitter. I may not ever love your children like a mother but I may love them for their qualities that I love in you. If they are awful this is not likely to occur... ever... not in my lifetime.

It is not my fault you chose a poor mother for your children. I am sure the beer goggles were firmly jammed onto your head on more than one occasion seeing you had 4 kids with her. So until she is jailed I will not step up to the plate.

First and formost I am your wife. You are my husband. And if you find your 8 yr old daughter is more in need of your undivided attention than me and any conversation pivots asround her then we will remain friends with benefits with separate front doors. If your sons are allowed to fart and belch in my presence and find it hysterically funny and you raise them with the 'boys will be boys' parenting style, revert back to the mini-mum outcome.

If your child has a physical or mental issue that needs attention, do it. Do not hide away and deny your son could possibly be remotely damaged. Get over it. It happens. This does not give you the authroity to inflict your out of control 7 yr old onto everyone else. If he makes disgusting/rude remarks while out for dinner/lunch I WILL leave. If your daughter find it OK to wander around Wal MArt dressed in slut-o-matic gear then we need to reconsider the benefits arrangement of our friendship. If you allow your kids to make tummy noises like Honey Boo Boo, sorry babe, I am GONE!

I cannot live with you/ marry you if you allow your children free run of our home because you do not see them enough and don't want to discipline them. I will not live in a zoo. If I did I would have completed my Masters in Zoological Studies majoring in Primates and be presently running San Diego Zoo. Nor are the children a money pit to constantly shower with gifts for the slightest achievement like using a Kleenex then the Own Front Door policy will remain in place.

I expect table manners, pleases and thank yous for my kindness. I do not HAVE to indulge your daughter's manicure obsession. BUt if I choose to take her I expect some kind of thanks. I expect my personal property (anything that touches my skin like shampoo, hair straighteners, make up, deodorant, clothing, books, kindle, laptop, tablet, my car)to be MINE. I am quite OK with loaning them to others as long as they ask first and accept my answer as it is. Final. And I will tell you if my stuff goes missing. If you only have sons and my lipstick and mascara is missing, we are talking.

If I do choose to repremand your child, back me up unless I am dreadfully incorrect (it happens once in a while, probably 2x a year)or the wrong information was given. If I decide to take care of your children while you run an errand, thank me appropriatley with a kiss and a hug. Your children will not die if you show affection towards me. They may make gagging noises but truely, they are not choking.

If your relatives deign me to be snooty/stuck up/cheap/a gold digger/mean/ evil/ a tramp then you deal with it. I am your choice and if you cannot stand up to your sister when she trashes me on FB then maybe I am not the right person to bring untold joy, happiness and mind blowing sex to your life. If your brother decides that your family should share the women around and corners me at a party and lays a hand on me and he lives to tell the tale, we are done. Your job is to protect me from the family gropers and not excuse his behaviour as "Well it ONLY happens when he is drunk and he didn't mean anything."

If I want a quiet day by myslef that is all it is. We are not joined at the hip. I get great joy in wandering around Hobby Lobby looking for ideas. You get great joy in watching men get exceedingly dirty doing boring Motorcross. SO if I say "Honey, you go and have a good time with your friend." I am not playing some guilt game. I am being nice. And frankly I would appreciate a few hours to myself to get a massage or a manicure or to wander around Hobby Lobby.

If your ex decides to wage war on me for being in your life or even breathing on her planet then you need to sort her out. No defending her and expecting her to 'go away." She won't. Exhibit A: Your 5 prior girlfriends. Honey, the word gets around as to who has the loony exes.

In summary, I can bring great joy to your life if I am treated with respect, you forsake all others including your 8 yr old daughter who is sitting in the living room frowning at me as I type, and realise that hurting my feelings and allowing others to do the same will only make your life miserable in the long run. I will not take on your debt. We will live apart until you get your spending/your ex's spending/your c/card balance under control. If you owe money and have an active plan to pay off the debt and cut back your expenses and make perfectly sure your kids are aware of your limitations then we can move ahead.

Yours......