O/T I'm so angry right now
I just need to rage. This post will probaby be littered with profanity so I apologize in advance.
WTF did I do to deserve to be disrespected? I don't embarress DH with crazy jealousy...yes I get jealous but I don't freak out and yell at him to just sleep with the check out girl or something. Other than this ONE person I don't tell him who he can and can't talk to. All this woman has ever done is hurt him and try to undermine our relationship and he doesn't get why I'm upset that this bitch is trying to talk to him again. I did a childish thing and blocked her from being able to email him which is why she probably looked him up on facebook. I don't ask for much and I give a lot and all I ask is he not talk to whores who try to break up our marriage. It always starts innocent like "how are you?" "How's work?" etc and then goes into "Don't you still love me?" He says no he's married he loves me...but I feel like him continuing to talk to her he's saying it's okay to behave the way she does. I've told him not to talk to her, I've told her not to talk to him. Nothing works, he doesn't get it. I think he does I think she must stroke his ego in a way that I don't or something. I do not like to deal with stupid BS nor do I have time for this. I'm not going to deal with his crazy fucking ex-wife and my crazy fucking family and deal with a crazy psycho whore as well. WHY does he even want to talk to her? This is a stupid whore who was married and didn't tell DH that she was married. She used money she stole from her husband to pay for an apartment so she could cheat. Then one day DH gets a call from this bitch's husband telling him he wants DH to stay away, she's married, etc. Broke his heart. Then a year later she called and said they were separated she wanted DH back, etc. Then a month later she got back with her husband. WHY would you want to talk to someone who hurt you over and over again? That is why I don't talk to my exes...who cares what they are up to? I'm not angry over being hurt I just feel like if you can do that to someone you love that's not a person I want to know. Why doesn't he get why this bothers me? I don't think DH would cheat. I feel stupid for feeling threatened because she lives in another state. I HATE feeling this way. What should I do?
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You are NOT stupid for
You are NOT stupid for feeling this way. You have every right. And I believe your feelings are right on the money with this one. It would be one thing if they were old friends who hooked up a couple times, and just wanted to "catch up". But it's obvious that this woman doesn't respect the relationship you two have. I don't give a damn who you are, male or female, if you are disrespecting my relationship, then you got to go. Flirting from either of them is a no no. My red flags would definitely go up with this.
I read their email
I read their email exchange...at this point it's been nothing but the casual catch up but this has happened before that's how it starts. I truly believe that if you cheated on your spouse to be with me you'll do the same to me when you get tired of me. I don't talk to my exes...I don't care what they are up to. I just don't understand. In the past when she starts her BS he does tell her he loves me blah blah blah but he continues to talk to her...so it's like okay she's just waiting for another opportunity to dig her claws in. Like when we have a fight or something. I know how a lot of women are...
Why does he want to talk to her at all? My ex emails me from time to time. I just delete it, I never open it. I don't care what he has to say.
Absolutely agree^^^ There are
Absolutely agree^^^
There are reasons we feel the things we feel. Why does he feel that communication with an ex is worth upsetting the woman he's taken vows with & promised to love & cherish?
He's being disrespectful to you & your marriage.
She isn't someone he has to work with. She isn't someone he runs into at Walmart & has some obligation to be friendly with. He's treading in dangerous waters & it isn't necessary.
He's allowing your relationship to be tarnished for what...to hear her tell him she still loves him?
I'm sorry he's being an ass. There's nothing innocent about enabling someone to hurt the person you love.
But how can I explain it to
But how can I explain it to him in a way he'll understand? He either realy truly thinks it's okay because HE isn't do anything wrong or he knows what's going on and likes the attention.
My vote is this "he knows
My vote is this "he knows what's going on and likes the attention."
I'm sure he's soaking it all in, feeling like the man. But his need to feel like the man by some bitch who's trying to sabbotage his marriage is leaving you feeling like shit...naturally.
Perhaps he's completely blinded by being the "prize" & is failing to acknowledge the fact that he's opening up his marriage to shit that doesn't need to be there. Maybe he feels certain he's got it all under control, but he's allowing issues to be there that don't have to be. He's causing bad feelings in your marriage by continuing to participate.
He may play stupid, but it isn't hard for him to understand. He can choose to have a solid marriage & a great relationship with his wife...the woman he's vowed to love & cherish, or he can throw his vows to the wolves, continue to infect his marriage & let this bitch eat away at it until you decide you need to move on.
Ask him to put the shoe on the other foot. How would it make him feel if you were playing chatty-chatty with an ex? If he says he'd have no problem with it, he's not taking you seriously.
You're feelings need to be important to him. Ask if he respects you enough to give you that. That alone should be reason enough to make him stop.
"Your feelings need to be
"Your feelings need to be important to him. Ask if he respects you enough to give you that. That alone should be reason enough to make him stop."
^^^^^^This^^^^^^^
I feel like it doesn't matter what he thinks is or isn't going on...since I'm not some insane jealous nut he should respect me enough to stop talking to her simply because I asked him not to.
I can understand why this
I can understand why this hurts and upsets you. It would me, too! I totally get it.
The thing is, you're trying to force others to do what you want. You told her not to talk to him, you told him not to talk to her, and you blocked her from emailing your husband.
You are causing yourself to come across as a controlling, jealous nutter, and that's not what you want, right? This isn't working. You can't make others do what you want. (Sadly.)
Your issue is not with her. It's with your DH. HE is the one who made vows and a committment to you. She did not. Consider her a non-entity.
I think the only way you may have a chance at getting through to DH is to be CALM, rational, and emotionless when you talk to him. Just let him know in a very short, concise, non-emotional way that this hurts you and causes you to pull away from him.
If that doesn't work, pretend you've found yourself on online hottie who you're talking to and maybe then he'll get it! }:)
That's just it. I don't
That's just it. I don't scream and yell. That's not my thing. I explained to him why this bothers me. He doesn't know I blocked her from emailing him. I was pregnant and emotional when I did that(he hadn't even talked to her in awhile when I did it) I just decided one day that it was easier to do that than deal with that situation and if she couldn't contact him the problem would be solved. When I told her not to call-She called my house after he told her he couldn't talk to her anymore. So yea when I answered it I told her to stop calling.
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I dont think you are stupid
I dont think you are stupid at all for feeling threatened and hurt by this situation. If some ex kept popping up declaring her love for my DH, I would be PISSED. If my DH keep fuelling that OW's interest in him by continuing their communicating then I would be like a rabid dog with anger, and guess what? Contrary to what I have written, I am not a jealous demento
however I will not condone being treated with such disrespect.
I think the key question would be this: what exactly is your DH's aim in continuing contact with his ex?
Its clear he knows exactly how you feel over this, and completely 100% understandably so imo, yet its more important he makes small talk with OW.
Personally I would wonder whether he still has unresolved feelings for her and would question his maturity, given his ego is more important than your feelings. THESE things are troubling.
Have you asked him whether he loves her?
I think explaining things calmly is wonderful, but you have already done this, no need to keep repeating yourself and winding yourself up in the process. Time to show dear ole DH exactly whats at stake, as emotional adultery is a serious thing and in all honesty I do think this is what your DH is partaking in. Emotional adultery does not only have to consist of declaration of love from both sides, or even personal confessions, but can involve an unhealthy involvement. Lets be frank, I think this is unhealthy, if it wasnt so then firstly the ENTIRE friendship would ONLY consist of platonic discussions, it would ONLY take place if there was no history of love declarations when either party were not married and if each other's spouses were okay with the friendship.
You have made it clear to both sides, you are NOT okay with this, and by continuing talking to OW your DH is contradicting and undermining the message he is supposedly sending her and equally the conversations YOU had with her, telling her to do one.
For example, several years back my DH worked for a hotel and it was a hotbed of gossip. One rumour started circulating that my DH was bedding a female co-worker (he wasnt btw) and DH told me immediately about this as he was extremely annoyed and upset over it. Anyway, this female worker began to cry on DH's shoulder over how awful the rumour was. After asking my DH about her, it surfaced (and something DH hasnt even realised until I had pointed it out), said female colleague had only really began to talk to my DH after he became unavailable i.e. married to me. It was subtle stuff that only a female would realise another female was doing to get sexual attention in the hopes it led to something happening, and DH admitted she was well known to have zero morals, that she cheated on people, slept with multiple partners and generally was loose. I pointed out that she likely was "crying" on his shoulder in the hopes that something would "just happen" while he was being nice and talking to her about it. That even talking to someone like her would add fuel to the fire and encourage her further, in the belief she had a chance. In fact I wouldnt be surprised if SHE hadnt started the entire rumour (colour me cynical). I suggested he completely avoid her if possible and ensure he was not left alone with her, for obvious reasons but also because I was not comfortable with him being around her if she kept cracking onto him, knowing her was married ( :sick:). I didnt have to repeat myself and he immediately agreed.
You see, DH didnt want to risk our marriage by putting doubts in my head. He respected me enough to realise if the roles were reversed then he wouldnt like ME doing that.
I think the only thing YOU can do really is the following:
Give DH a taste of his own medicine (even if its a threat or pretence)
Show him with actions how its damaging your marriage i.e. withdraw from him. Shut him out.
you know if he had kids with
you know if he had kids with this woman I would understand that he had to sometimes deal with her. But they only dated never married or anything like that. So there is absolutely no reason why he needs to talk to her.
I'm feeling awfully mean at the moment so I won't say what I wish for your ex }:)
My SO and I went through this
My SO and I went through this about a month ago with a girl he dated before me. He kept telling me that it was innocent and he just wanted to be her friend because he had never done that successfully with an ex (whereas I have several ex's that I am good friends with, mostly because the end of the relationship was an amicable choice and I put a long time of distance between us before we resumed contact). What I ended up telling him was that it was disrespectful to our relationship that he would continue to have contact with her when he knew it was a problem for me. No yelling or screaming, just a simple conversation about how the fact that he could continue to have contact even though he knew it hurt my feelings showed me a lot about how much he cared about my feelings. I explained that if I was doing something that hurt him, something that bothered him in anyway, that I would go out of my way to repair it. Then he told me something I was doing that did bother him, and boom, I fixed it, because in that case he was right. After the conversation he agreed that it was a problem for our relationship that he continued to be friends with her. I told him there was nothing wrong with being friendly (they work at the same place) but that having conversations with her about our relationship or where her car was parked (it was an inside joke from their relationship) meant that he was withholding part of himself from me, whether he knew it or not. Since that time, no more contact between them and we have been very happy. Maybe telling him how it makes you feel as opposed to whether you think it's right or wrong is the key.....either way, I don't think you are wrong for feeling this way. He probably doesn't even realize that it's as big a problem as it is. Because men (most of them) are stupid. Really, really stupid.
Isn't it hypocritical that
Isn't it hypocritical that you maintain close friendships with several of your ex's while you feel it's disrespectful to your relationship for your SO to do the same?
PROBLEM=your HUSBAND Give him
PROBLEM=your HUSBAND
Give him an ultimatum...next time you talk to idiot, I am out. AND FOLLOW THROUGH! Not a threat, because you SHOULD/WILL be done. He treats you as you allow him to treat you. Demand respect or tell him to get the F#$%ck out.
Thank you for your support. I
Thank you for your support. I truly appreciate it. y'all are awesome
I dont think you are stupid
I dont think you are stupid at all for feeling threatened and hurt by this situation. If some ex kept popping up declaring her love for my DH, I would be PISSED. If my DH keep fuelling that OW's interest in him by continuing their communicating then I would be like a rabid dog with anger, and guess what? Contrary to what I have written, I am not a jealous demento however I will not condone being treated with such disrespect.
I think the key question would be this: what exactly is your DH's aim in continuing contact with his ex?
Its clear he knows exactly how you feel over this, and completely 100% understandably so imo, yet its more important he makes small talk with OW.
Personally I would wonder whether he still has unresolved feelings for her and would question his maturity, given his ego is more important than your feelings. THESE things are troubling.
Have you asked him whether he loves her?
I think explaining things calmly is wonderful, but you have already done this, no need to keep repeating yourself and winding yourself up in the process. Time to show dear ole DH exactly whats at stake, as emotional adultery is a serious thing and in all honesty I do think this is what your DH is partaking in. Emotional adultery does not only have to consist of declaration of love from both sides, or even personal confessions, but can involve an unhealthy involvement. Lets be frank, I think this is unhealthy, if it wasnt so then firstly the ENTIRE friendship would ONLY consist of platonic discussions, it would ONLY take place if there was no history of love declarations when either party were not married and if each other's spouses were okay with the friendship.
You have made it clear to both sides, you are NOT okay with this, and by continuing talking to OW your DH is contradicting and undermining the message he is supposedly sending her and equally the conversations YOU had with her, telling her to do one.
For example, several years back my DH worked for a hotel and it was a hotbed of gossip. One rumour started circulating that my DH was bedding a female co-worker (he wasnt btw) and DH told me immediately about this as he was extremely annoyed and upset over it. Anyway, this female worker began to cry on DH's shoulder over how awful the rumour was. After asking my DH about her, it surfaced (and something DH hasnt even realised until I had pointed it out), said female colleague had only really began to talk to my DH after he became unavailable i.e. married to me. It was subtle stuff that only a female would realise another female was doing to get sexual attention in the hopes it led to something happening, and DH admitted she was well known to have zero morals, that she cheated on people, slept with multiple partners and generally was loose. I pointed out that she likely was "crying" on his shoulder in the hopes that something would "just happen" while he was being nice and talking to her about it. That even talking to someone like her would add fuel to the fire and encourage her further, in the belief she had a chance. In fact I wouldnt be surprised if SHE hadnt started the entire rumour (colour me cynical). I suggested he completely avoid her if possible and ensure he was not left alone with her, for obvious reasons but also because I was not comfortable with him being around her if she kept cracking onto him, knowing her was married ( ). I didnt have to repeat myself and he immediately agreed.
You see, DH didnt want to risk our marriage by putting doubts in my head. He respected me enough to realise if the roles were reversed then he wouldnt like ME doing that.
I think the only thing YOU can do really is the following:
Give DH a taste of his own medicine (even if its a threat or pretence)
Show him with actions how its damaging your marriage i.e. withdraw from him. Shut him out.
I gave up trying to get DH on
I gave up trying to get DH on board with me about not talking to a certain "friend" of his.
My DH moved to our state before I did, and cheated on me with the neighbor above him. I forgave him and we worked it out, but he never did seem to realize why I didn't want him talking to her anymore "as friends." I expalined over and over again until I was blue in the face; he *never* got it (I don't think he *wanted* to get it).
When we were moving out of that apartment, I was 6 mo.s pregnant. Rather than help me move and clean, he stood out side talking to her up on her balcony. I was pissed! So I yelled as loud as could, "Stop talking to your whore and get your fucking ass in here and help me!" Her husband (just back from a deployment) and in-laws were standing out on the balcony with her.
Strange, we never heard from her again.