Therapy, stat. This can become a huge issue. He has really unrealistic expectations of you and he needs to get that there are certain things he must do outside the bedroom in order to make you want to be in the bedroom at all.

time to step up and find the intimacy and put it back in the relationship. If there is not intimacy outside the bedroom, there isn't any inside.

you said it ~ "you're young". i suspect your feelings towards this man will change in just a few short years (if not sooner) and not for the good. they aren't your kids, so it's not your responsibility to "stick it out" for their sake.

My husband and I somewhat went through this. It got better over YEARS. Bottom line the only thing that really worked was telling him how I felt in a point blank way (because any of the nice ways he'd just twist it around to what he wanted to hear.). And even then, I had to repeat the message a lot and then it got gradually better.

I just told him point blank I didn't have the sex drive he did, and for him to expect twice a week or so was about where I was. Anything more than that, I had no problem with him taking care of business himself, but the more he bothered me the LESS I wanted to have sex and the more I resented him. Sometimes I will help him take care of himself and I don't mind doing that either.

I also said if he wanted to feel bad about my sex drive, that was his choice, not mine, but I still loved him very much, but I showed it in different ways. And if he couldn't accept that, well, sorry.

I don't know if this was the best way to go about it, but that's what I've done.

I agree with the therapy statement pornography is okay once in awhile but when men see it as an expectationit becomes an issue which can turn a woman off an unbalanced expectation in the bedroom can lead to all sorts of resentment for both of you. Don't learn it the hard way communication is key and therapy can help.

Also a lot of that stuff you mentioned has nothing to do with SAHM/working. It has to do with him being a chauvinist jerk.

:/

I would tell him what I tell my DH anytime he compares *any* aspect of me or our relationship to the Plague or their relationship.

"If you wanted another Plague, you should have just stayed married to the Plague."

I gotta go w/ SYID on this one. I did the military mom thing for 3 years as a single mom. I never got to bed before 10:00 pm S-Th, never woke up later than 4:15 am M-F. My house got cleaned once a week on Sundays. I felt like my kid was always in daycare. Most Fridays we either ordered pizza or did some other fast food; when we got home, I'd fall asleep as soon as my body hit the couch while my daughter watched t.v., and usually didn't wake up until at least noon on Saturdays. I have now been a SAHM since 2010. There is no comparison between working a job that is labor intensive, mentally demanding, emotionally demanding, and time consuming on top of being a parent -and- simply being a parent.

I was a SAHM for several years when my kids were younger. I cooked, I cleaned, I did all the shopping and paying of the bills, and running to sports…ect. I did it all.

And to be honest…I would take it any day over working 50 hours in management.
To me..being a SAHM, was not real easy, but easier than having a very demanding job.
Wish I could go back to those days.

Maybe my thoughts are a little abrasie as well but I feel like a have a pretty good perspective of "both sides" here; I'm ex-military (8 years) and I'm now staying at home with skids 7, 5, and 3. I got out of the military this year and I'll say it's apples and oranges...but I see why you would consider working out of the home more taxing. Honestly, there are some stresses in the workplace (especially military but civilian as well) that cannot be trumped by screaming kids, endless laundry, errands, etc...and depending on your position and miltary branch, an 8 hour work day can be laughable. The day is done when the mission is done. So, yes, a SAHM's hours are from sun up to sun down, but in my experience, there IS a flexibility that is enviable. Maybe it's my hardcore Army time management or something but I have the time to be reading this board at 1:00 in the afternoon...that would be a no go if I had a normal job
And getting a little personal, I know coming home in your unisex uniform, hair pulled back in a harsh bun, and wearing combat boots (that may or may not give you a really attractive calf height sock line well after you've taken them off haha), after a taxing day does not exactly set the mood. Being able to take a moment to check my hair and makeup while dinner is finishing up before DH gets home...it puts you in a different place.
Bottom line, he needs to cut you some slack. Many women have it rough in this department as far as sex drives not matching their husbands, but you have an additional hurdle that's not being factored in, in my opinion.

Having been misunderstood myself I can see where something may have been miscommunicated. I think what Divorced is trying to say is that her experience with military wives and SAHM's on military bases has been more inclined to that list as opposed to all SAHM's and particularly to BM who had all of those qualities inherently because the child was not at home with her. I've never been a SAHM myself, although while in law school I lived with a single mom and was more of a SAHM during that time then I ever thought I would be (she worked full time, I wasn't allowed to until my second year, so I cared for her daughter during the day for extra income). In any case, I think the list seems offensive because it seems to target all SAHM's and I don't think that was Divorced's intent.

Having said that, I couldn't agree more with the therapy statements, and also with the statement that you don't have any obligation to "stick it out" when the children are not yours. I am not saying that your husband is a chauvinist, but he's definitely being somewhat insensitive. If you had cervical cancer and have had to have a life altering surgery as a result, he needs to be more sympathetic to the impact such a change could have not just on your sex drive but also on your sense of self as a woman. I know that probably sounds dumb, but truthfully it can have a horrible impact on how you view yourself (even if you are not aware) especially because you are so young. And that is not a dig at your age, just an observation.

The bottom line is, whether or not you have separate sex drives, or whether or not you are feeling differently about sex due to what you have been through, it's a pretty shitty thing he is doing making this your problem instead of his. He may be doing it because he is young, he may be doing it because you don't share with him your feelings, maybe he's doing it because he is just clueless,or maybe he is doing it because HE is insecure, I don't know, I don't live in your household. But in any case for WHATEVER reason he is doing it, it needs to be addressed before it destroys your whole relationship. You know your marriage better than anyone on here, can you talk to him about this? Is it something where someone else can facilitate it better? I know from being a military brat that it can be somewhat hairy to see a therapist because it can affect so much of your career and there really isn't as much privacy in the military as there is out of it, but the reality is, if this is something that you can't work through together, it might be time to bring in some reinforcements to help work through this problem together.

As for the porn issue, some men like it some don't but if he is using it more than recreationally or has to imitate it in order to feel sexually complete, that in itself may be a larger problem then you are prepared to handle. I am going to tread lightly here because I do not want to accuse him of anything, but if it is something that you are uncomfortable with it might be something you need to address.

DYIS, if you're still reading your own blog at this point...

I had the "You DO realize you're INCREDIBLY fucking self-centered, don't you?" conversation with DH this weekend.

We're dual-mil too (Army, Ft Bragg) although quite a bit further along in our careers than you two. Since we've been married, I've been at the same command. It's time for me to move on, but DH is being incredibly unsupportive. He is laying down ultimatums, and looking out for Number One - when I put my career on hold for over two years while he went to school. It's MY fucking turn to do something, and I had better do it NOW or else I won't get promoted before I retire. That's 10+ years at the same grade - and leaves me with less than half the freakin pension he will get. (I'll tell you right now, I'll demand a halfsies swap on pensions with him if we ever split up; 31.25% of a E9 pension is a fuck of a lot more than 25% of a E7 pension)

Know why he's so self-centered like that? BM was a Sit-On-Her-Ass "military spouse". Biiiiig in the FRG, except for the normal people she alienated by being the bigoted trash she is. Never could get or keep a job. He never had to think about her when thinking about his career. Now he has to, and it's thrown him for a loop.

He also doesn't give a flying fuck about his kid. Yes, she's old enough (16) to be left at home when she's here, but who ended up being a parent? Did he cut his hours at all? Nope - it was SM who cut out of work early, who avoided volunteering for extra duties, who nagged her to clean up after herself (and he's a bigger neat freak than I am - he couldn't NOT see the messes she was making) who taught her how to cook, who took her grocery shopping, who taught her how to crochet (shout out to dtzyblnd), who ACTUALLY SPENT TIME WITH HIS KID.

As far as sex goes - we're old. I'm 37, and he's 40 - I work 40-ish hour weeks on a slow week, and he works 60-ish hour weeks on a regular basis. Sex is for the middle of the day on Saturdays, or if I'm NOT going to work at 0500 the next day.

I was active duty, I understand what the OP is saying totally. I also understand that she is only 24 years old with a lot of baggage and a lot on her plate. The 24 year old me may have sounded similar, but the 37 year old me knows that the world is a lot different. I was also a young (23), working, custodial stepmom...it wasn't easy. I was working 12 hours shifts (6 on 3 off) taking care of kids and BM is getting drunk at the bar 5 nights a week with no job. Oh I get it...totally. I was also a SAHM and I would not trade that time with my son for all of the money in the world.

First of all, I am not military, but I have been through, and am going through some of the things that you have been through. It took about a year of working full-time and being a single mom, and I was severely sleep deprived and didn't even care much about anything else but that. Fast forward about 5 years, my youngest child is almost 6, and I am engaged since Dec. 2011. and have work days that start at about 7:30 a.m. and get done between 4 and 6 p.m. plus commute. I am still sleep deprived and often choose to sleep when I can, and not have sex. Not because I "don't want to" or find my fiance unattractive, or anything else, but I am tired, and feel like I carry the world on my shoulders every day. Since working this demanding job for over 5 years, I wish that I could have the opportunity to stay home with my kids, and just deal with them and the housework. I know it's not a vacation, but my heart is more in my home than in going to a job where no one appreciates me and what I do. But, I digress. My guy, like yours, doesn't want to have sex if I am "not into" it, so laying there and taking one for the team is also not an option. And heavy porn/masturbation WILL screw up your sex life. My SO and I were both on that routine since we were single parents, and when we got together it was not a good situation in the bedroom. Oh, and I am neither young or old, I guess. I am 29. I had my youngest child at age 23, and started experiencing the things that you are experiencing around age 24. I think you have potential to work through your problems as long as you remain honest and keep lines of communication open.

If a stay at home mom has an objective such as getting an education, well it can be a challenge to juggle house work, taking care of kids (yuck) and going to school, but I totally get tired of SAHM's who take on the Martyr persona like their job is the hardest job in the world. Sorry not buying it. Also having kids is a CHOICE not a necessity so if one opt to have them and raise them it is their decision, having to work to put a roof over your head and food on the table is necessity. When at home you opt to do things at your leisure unlike HAVING to get up and work a 9-5, juggle house work, and be a companion to your mate.

I didn't read all of the comments here so this might has been addressed already. But you talking about him being insecure if you don't want to have sex makes me think it's really not about the "sex". He is replacing sex with love. I'm not saying he don't love you, I think he only feels love from you when you want to have sex with him. I think men sometimes see love and sex as one in the same where women don't see that. Well talking about the majority here of both men and women. Anyway, I think he might could use some therapy, maybe together. His ex cheating or maybe something from his childhood has triggered this. Just a thought.