You are here

Stepkids vs My friend's kids

round2's picture

Submitted by round2 on Thu, 07/19/2012 - 4:12pm

Have you ever wondered why it is so easy to love your friend's children and not your stepkids? I have two very good friends whose children I love like my own. They are welcome anytime, they stay with me and I have even taken one set on vacation with me when my friend got into a bind at work. I adore these kids and would do anything for them.

I have thought a lot about this because I really wanted to feel the same way about SD8 and I just can't. I decided part of it is that the moms and I care about each other and willingly share our kids with each other so the kids respect me and behave when they are at my home. They are good moms who I have a lot in common with including parenting styles so the kids are used to a similar set of rules, etc.

Like most BM - my FDH's ex-wife is nasty to me and speaks terribly about me and him at any chance she gets. So the kid comes into my house with a preconceived notion that it is ok to act like a shit because it is okayed by mom. Lump that with all the normal crap that goes on when parents get divorced, a guilty daddy who started parenting instead of playing when I came along and guess what - a kid who hates Stepmom and misbehaves when she is at the house.

No great revelation - I just wish things were different especially when I know I can deeply love kids that are not mine - I am not broken in that respect just my relationship with SD is broken.

Comments

round2's picture

Submitted by round2 on Thu, 07/19/2012 - 4:33pm

OMG - that is so funny! I have a deal with one of my friends that she can beat my kids and I will beat hers. We totally treat them like we birthed them. Too bad all of our kid relationships are not that easy.

3familiesIn1's picture

Submitted by 3familiesIn1 on Thu, 07/19/2012 - 8:36pm

I always wondered that too. The fact that I can love my BD8's best friend and love having her here was the reason I knew I wasn't really broken in not loving my skids. So its not just me being some cold hearted person - I love BD8's BFF and enjoy having her here, will take her anywhere anytime.

When I had that realization for myself, I decided that it was ok that I didn't love my skids and stopped beating myself up and really stopped trying to force it on myself. I figure, it is what it is - so be it.

momof5_1969's picture

Submitted by momof5_1969 on Fri, 07/20/2012 - 12:46am

I was wondering the same thing myself the other day. I babysit about 5 different children each week, and I love each of them so much! And yes, I discipline them when needed and they respect me. And amazingly, they say THANK YOU when I do things for them! And these sweet little babies are ages 2, 3 and 4 years old! My SS19 and SD17 and SD23 cannot even do this! Pretty amazing really.

This is why I think it is easier to love them -- they give love to us, we in turn love them back. They respect us, they listen to us, and they don't have barriers up like our skids do.

Anyone else have thoughts on this?

Doublehelix's picture

Submitted by Doublehelix on Tue, 07/16/2019 - 2:06pm

So true...I love my BFF's daughter and my cousins' kids and I don't even spend that much time with them. But it's just so much easier to love them too...I don't get into disagreements with my friends and family about their children, I feel like they are genuinely appreciative when I pay attention to their kids (vs it's my "job"), and I love them for the extension of their parents that they are.