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Help! Unwanted Commets from MIL

lost in longmont's picture

Submitted by lost in longmont on Tue, 07/17/2012 - 10:06pm

So I have learned from DH how to handle SD. He has always supported me (in punishing her) by telling me that I need to follow through on my "threats." First it was time outs, but now that she's 10, it is taking stuff. BM was not very authoritative and DH had a big issue with that, hence his support in my follow through. Therefore, I have an a positive influence on SD attitude and respect and MIL and FIL notice this difference. Every time they come out to visit and see me be authoritative with her, they always say I'm her "real mom." Part of it has to do with the fact that BM was gone for four years so I was the female figure. And now that BM is back in the picture, she is not very authoritative. Anyways, I hate when they tell me that I am her "real mom" because I'M NOT!

And I DO NOT WANT TO BE!!!!!!! It's become awkward because they always have to bring it up. First I was happy because four years ago I tried desperately to prove to SD that I was better than her mom, but now that I've learned so much from my support group. Now I hate it when they say, but how I do I tell them I don't like it nicely? I really like my MIL and FIL but I feel that if I say something they will think less of me ad actually never stop complementing me. I don't know if I should have DH talk to them or if I should be the one do to it. HELP!

Comments

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Tue, 07/17/2012 - 10:32pm

Wow, really? Count your blessings and let this go. You have a DH that supports your parenting style and ILs who ALSO support you? Forget it, say nothing, bite your tongue and be very, very, very thankful.

overworkedmom's picture

Submitted by overworkedmom on Wed, 07/18/2012 - 7:41am

I get the same comments from my parents and the in-laws and FDH. I am the real mom, I know that. The Incubator is nothing to him but the "fun" lady that picks him a few times a year for a day of play. I guess I am just different in that I am ok with it all. I feel like God put me in this child's life for a reason and even though he irritates the crap out me and there are times I just wish I could actually send him to the incubator for the weekend, I can't. He is mine now. I love that kid and he loves me.

lost in longmont's picture

Submitted by lost in longmont on Wed, 07/18/2012 - 9:26pm

I am truly outraged by the majority of the comments posted. Here I thought this was a safe place to come an talk about what is on our minds, and is difficult for us and what saddens up. Yet here I say that this is something that is bothering my and most of you, especially sueu2. To answer Mom2TwinsnTeens, I have to act like her mother because for the past four years she didn't have one and for the past four year I gave everything to this little girl and got evil glances and "I wish Daddy was here," all the time, and fights over every little thing. I have just started disengaging and finally I feel in power of my actions. Before that I was doing everything I thought a mom would do.

The support group I go to is amazing and they have taught me that I am not her parent and her actions are not a measure by which I should judge myself as a person.

I am trying very hard to separate the idea that I am SD mom. I do appreciate that my ILs have noticed the time and effort I have put in to making sure SD is respectful, but it bothers me a lot that they constantly say "I'm her real mom." I do not want to be. I want to be a strong female role model to her, but I do not want to HER mom. I have my own daughter now that makes it even more awkward for me. And it wouldn't be an issue if it wasn't EVERY time they come out here to visit, which is every three months basically. SD does a lot of stuff that bothers me and a lot of stuff that I think DH should deal with and he doesn't, so do not tell me I am her real mom when I have no real influence on how DH is with her. I sure as hell know that I will have an influence on how my daughter is raised, even if DH and I split up.

I didn't realize that if something that makes my uncomfortable I should just let it go, herewegoagain. Is this the principle you embrace in your life? I assume you have a great relationship with your Skids, but mine has been very rocky so your advice is not advice at all really, to tell me to ignore and set aside my feelings.

Sueu2, I am with DH because I love him, not his daughter. Yes that is correct! SURPRISE I do NOT love my SD. I care for her and about her well being, but LOVE is a whole other thing that has be earned in step families. And if all you can do is "spew hate" then don't bother commenting, or I guess in your mind "help."

stepmomto3bioto1's picture

Submitted by stepmomto3bioto1 on Thu, 07/19/2012 - 1:21am

Perhaps when they start in next time, with the "your her real mom" thing, you could say something like "Nope, I'm not her Mom, but I do hope to be a great role model to her, as the years pass". Then tell them you prefer to be seen as a role model (or insert other word or phrase here that you like).