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SD's attitude starting to make me extremely resentful and angry

2ndclasscitizen's picture

Submitted by 2ndclasscitizen on Mon, 04/02/2012 - 2:34pm

If you have read my other blog entry, I am SM to a 12 year old girl who has become increasingly distant every since my pregnancy. Sometimes, it's almost like she pretends that Im not even there. Short summary, I have been in her life since she was 5. I thought that we had a good relationship. I am currently 20 weeks pregnant.

Earlier in the pregnancy, my doctor thought at the 13 week ultrasound that it looked like I was having a boy. SD was not happy, as she claimed that she really, really wanted a little sister. She even pouted about it and made a huge deal. Fast forward to 19 week ultrasound, we find out that it is definitely a girl! Oh good, I thought, SD will be so excited, and finally, things will be back to normal. Well, of course, I overhead SD's grandma ask if she was excited now that we are having a girl. Do you know what the little ice princess said? "I didn't really care either way." WTF?! I couldn't believe my ears.

Adding insult to injury, SD won a contest at school and was put in the local newspaper. I was so proud of her! But, in the part where is lets everyone know who the parents are, she put Dad, Mom and Stepdad's name. Stepmom no where in sight, like I am just an afterthought that doesn't matter after being in her life for seven years.

Last night I lay in bed just fuming in silence. I had planned on including SD in baby preparations such as my shower, and the shopping and nursery setup. Now, I honestly just want to disengage more than ever! I know that I am the adult here, but I am so bitter that she is trying to ruin what should be a very special time for me----my first pregnancy, especially after all I have done for her. DH is oblivious to her cold behavior towards me, and says that she is almost a teenager and that is why she seems distant. He also thought that I overreacted about being upset about being left out in the paper. I disagree! It's so sad that she will have a little sister soon who she will "care less about." Anyone deal with SD cold shoulder treatment and come out alive, or this destined to ruin my marriage and life?

Comments

PeanutandSons's picture

Submitted by PeanutandSons on Mon, 04/02/2012 - 2:45pm

My sd9 is basically the same way. She hasn't aknowledged my current pregnancy but one time..... When the ultrasound tech asked her for the third time if she was hoping for a girl or a boy. Other than that she doesn't aknowledge it at all (ive am currently 35 weeks, so kind of hard to not notice).

She's been this was dvr since I had BS (almost three years ago). She had this crazy fantasy that the baby would be like a living doll for her to play with, and she was quite disallusioned with the reality of having a real baby in the house. She ignores me for the most part unless she needs something, and for the past few months I pretty much do the same. I take care of her physical needs, and she is included in whatever I do with all the kids.... But emotionally I've given up.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Mon, 04/02/2012 - 2:48pm

I don't know.... I think that age is a difficult one. Most 12 year olds are consumed with their friends, cell phones, clothes etc and don't give much thought to anything else. I think she might seem indifferent now, but wouldn't surprised if after the baby is born that she shows more interest. I know it doesn't stop the hurt on your part, but maybe you just need to lessen your expecatations of SD a little.

My skids were almost 11 and 12 when BS2 was born. They really didn't seem to care one way or another what was going on during my pregnancy, and to this day, don't really seem to care much about BS2 (not like they ask about him, or want to play with him when they are visiting etc). It really doesn't bother me at all... as long as they are not being mean to him I don't have a problem with them not falling all over him.

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Mon, 04/02/2012 - 3:04pm

Maybe she feels she will be pushed aside for the baby, and forgotten about by Dad? I don't know. It's worthwhile for DH to sit down with her and talk with her about this somewhere where she'll feel comfortable so she might open up more. He needs to reassure her he'll always love her, and he can love you all equally but show it very differently. I also think DH needs to help her direct her anger and jealousy towards the right people and help her find different, healthier ways of dealing with those emotions. He also needs to make it clear that there will be severe consequences if she's rude or mean to you or the baby. She can always talk with him about issues she's having about this and other situations, but she can't take it out on you, your baby or others and she can't discuss it with him in a way that bashes other people, including you and your daughter.

When she comes to visit, if they have common interests, maybe he could spend an hour or two doing those with her. He should use that time to ask her about what's going on in her life with school, friends, other activities and interests she's involved in, etc. He should also continue spending an hour with her doing things they both like, and using that time to find out about what's going on in her life after the baby is born. And he needs to encourage her to spend time with the baby too, and tell her the baby is lucky to have her as an older sister.

starfish's picture

Submitted by starfish on Mon, 04/02/2012 - 4:44pm

i would make sure that little bitch wasn't included in anything. make sure she is with bm for all your activites: the shower, decorating the nursery, the shopping, baby names, all of it.

i agree, we're the adults. but fuck that. no reason for some little brat to ruin what should be the happiest time of your life.

hope timing goes right so the little brat is gone for a few weeks after you deliver, too.

congrats and the new baby girl!!!!

newmom35's picture

Submitted by newmom35 on Wed, 07/18/2012 - 1:25pm

I just commented on another post you wrote about your SD. It's like we are living the same life. While I was pregnant, my SD was so mean to me. She was 11 at the time. I don't think it is her age, because she has been aggressive towards others since she was 5 (I am told). Now, it seems she is only that way towards me. Not all of the time, but it does she it's face enough. Anyway, I offered her a bowl of jelly beans and she said "don't you think you are big enough?" MEAN! I was only 3 months pregnant, and not big at all at the time. This is just one example of many.

I hope everything is getting better for you.